My Aspie Boyfriend is addicted to sex and women

[pattid123]

I have loved my Aspie Boyfriend (high functioning) for almost 2 years and it has been on and off again. I can tell he adores me a lot. A couple of times I figured out that he has been out with other women and he denied and denied but I am intuitive and just knew. He actually passed an STI on to me which was confirmation. I was hurt but I will be okay and have let him know that I am not into being with him if he is dating others. Obviously the risk to my mental health and my physical health is not worth it.

My issue is that I am concerned about him incredibly. We had a heart to heart and he said he just wants to have fun. He is 63, is a senior executive, never married and has no children. He says women didn't want him when he was in his 20s 30s 40s or 50s but they want him now. He is obsessed with online dating and he is on his computer every night flirting with women. From the way it sounds, he wants to even the score from his earlier days. I know he has been hurt over and over and over. He opened up to me about the heartache and the pain and how his only want in life was to have a wife and children and its the only thing he never got.

I honestly feel so sad for him because I feel he thinks he in not lovable or maybe he is terribly afraid of being hurt once again. We had something so special and he still communicates with me a lot but it feels like he is out of control in his life. In addition I made it clear to him that it is totally irresponsible to pass on STI's knowingly to other women. He won't talk about that part at all. This is like his dirty little secret. He lies to women about wanting a relationship with them so he gets to sleep with them but he has no intention of having a relationship with them and is only in it for his own gratification...and then he moves on with another woman.

Shall I just leave it alone or is there anything I can do to help him as a friend. I care about him obviously but am moving on.

 

[Panthro]

Hi,

I hope this doesnt come off the wrong way, but the man is 63, leave him alone. He is getting that last chance in to experience life, let him have his fun. Us on the spectrum guys dont often get to enjoy life the way NT guys do. With that said, he needs to stop with the lying, it would be best for you to move on for that reason.

 

[pattid123]

@Panthro

Thank you so much and that's what I needed to understand. I do see where he is coming from and I try to understand that. The lying is hard to take but I guess that's all part of it. I have moved on for that reason. Thanks for helping me to understand this better. You're the best!!!

 

[mw2530]

He missed out on a huge part of life, arguably the only thing anyone ever wants in this life. And he made clear to you that a family is all he ever wanted. I can partially feel where he his coming from. I am 30 and never had a girlfriend, sex, and barely have dated. The pain is extreme and intense. But he's forever lost the chance to have a family and has to live with it. I can only imagine the type of pain that inflicts upon him. I don't really blame him. Heck, NT's do the same exact thing when they are younger. Sleep around, party, eventually settle for someone. The NT's that he is seeing are not any better - probably just like him for his money. He is trying to make the most of it and make up for lost time. Unfortunately, it probably does not give him what he once wanted.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

"Gotta Catch 'em All". Except HIV.

Do you really care? Why would you? He got you infected with an STI, what if it was an incurable one like Herpes or HIV? He lies and gets people to have sex with him under false pretenses. Including you. He is 63 and so irresponsible and silly, he should have learned what is important when he was 15. So let him be and let him waste his last years. Not that you could change it. You can't fix people like this because they are empty, no matter how much sex, drugs and alcohol it never keeps them from going empty again.

Don't take his sob story to heart. People fail all the time, or miss things in life and then cry about it. It seems he harbors some secret resentment against women for not being all over him when he was younger when he probably locked himself up in his basement all day and wonders why some hot girl looking to start a family didn't come crawling through the window. You don't go from ugly 20 year old to hot 63 year old. Maybe he was fat or something, in that case he should've lost weight earlier in life.

 

[pattid123]

You are correct and I have a whole new attitude about it after reading the previous response. He does need to experience what a lot of people experienced in our earlier years. It's hard for me because I see his pain...I am an empath and I have the ability to feel his pain too. He is such a sweetheart of a man. He has opened up to me incredibly which is testament to how much he trusts me. He can be himself around me with no judgement. I adore his enthusiasm and excitement.
I have decided to continue seeing him as a friend if he will promise me to be straight up. I hope he can do that. I am pretty sure he will want that. I have been angry with him for his lies but in reality, he was afraid of my judgement of him. I will no longer judge him and will support him on his journey. He says he doesn't want to be in love. He just wants to have fun. He says he is extremely envious of me because I have a family who love me. He says no one looks at him as a success because at the end of the day he is just a dead branch on his family tree. Because he has no family he is embarassed at corporate functions when people ask him about his family.
He will work until he is 69 and then wants to find a cabin in the woods in Northern Ontario and live out his life. I honestly believe he doesn't think he is lovable which saddens me. If people don't get close to him and he keeps running from woman to woman he can run from facing his challenges.
Your perspectives have been so so helpful for me to understand him...now I will tell him to embrace his journey and go for it. Don't worry about the women wanting his money...he is a Senior VP of Actuarial services and hangs on very tightly...his Mom taught him to never let people get his money. He stockpiles it like crazy. He counts every single penny. LOL

 

[Mary Anne]

I have loved my Aspie Boyfriend (high functioning) for almost 2 years and it has been on and off again. I can tell he adores me a lot. A couple of times I figured out that he has been out with other women and he denied and denied but I am intuitive and just knew. I was hurt but I will be okay and have let him know that I am not into being with him if he is dating others. Obviously the risk to my mental health and my physical health is not worth it.

My issue is that I am concerned about him incredibly. We had a heart to heart and he said he just wants to have fun. He is 63, is a senior executive, never married and has no children. He says women didn't want him when he was in his 20s 30s 40s or 50s but they want him now. He is obsessed with online dating and says he is on his computer every night flirting with women. From the way it sounds, he wants to even the score from his earlier days. I know he has been hurt over and over and over. He opened up to me about the heartache and the pain and how his only want in life was to have a wife and children and its the only thing he never got.

I honestly feel so sad for him because I feel he thinks he in not lovable or maybe he is terribly afraid of being hurt once again. We had something so special and he still communicates with me a lot but it feels like he is out of control in his life. This is like his dirty little secret. He lies to women about wanting a relationship with them so he gets to sleep with them but he has no intention of having a relationship with them and is only in it for his own gratification...and then he moves on with another woman.

Shall I just leave it alone or is there anything I can do to help him as a friend. I care about him obviously but am moving on.

He sounds exactly like someone I know (is his name Chuck?) He is not going to change, for you, or anyone. People in the throes of their obsessions, addictions, passions, whatever....will not change for other people. He is high on the fact that at his age, most men are not getting or doing what he is doing. He is going to enjoy it until he can not longer. No talking sense into his head will do any good. The man I know lies on all his online dating apps...he puts his age at 56 when he is in his late 60s. He lies and lies and gets many dates because he is so buff and good looking. He cheats on his long time girlfriends (at last count he has kept two long time ones hanging in for the past 10 years or more) and he is not going to change. He takes testosterone, and dyes his hair, and he works out, and pops viagra like candy.

As long as there are younger gold digging women stroking these wealthy older men’s egos, and viagra, it’s not going to change.

And this is not an aspie issue per day- other then maybe he is making up for all those early years when he might have been socially isolated. It’s a human issue and it happens to lots of people. I would let him enjoy his life, and move on.

 

[pattid123]

I care because he is an absolutely beautiful soul. Misguided and naive about life socially he is definitely. You are correct...he is empty inside and in a lot of pain. He didn't get it together in earlier life. He has 2 brothers who are aspies too. I am sure life was extremely difficult for him. He is not an overweight guy. He works out every day and is very muscular. You are correct about luring women under false hope. He is much like a teenager for sure. He is afraid they won't want him otherwise...it's true. I have spoken to him about that and have told him how wrong that is.
I never walk away from someone in pain if I see a beautiful soul inside. That doesn't mean I will have sex with him...why would I? As for STI'S...you are 100 percent correct. He has absolutely no right to pass them on to unsuspecting people.
Hey...I have established that he is definitely not the one for me and have moved on and am dating others, but he has become a very dear friend and I will support him in his journey and even guide him on how to do the right thing. Socially he is like a teenager, but career wise he is a genius.

 

[mw2530]

"Gotta Catch 'em All". Except HIV.

Do you really care? Why would you? He got you infected with an STI, what if it was an incurable one like Herpes or HIV? He lies and gets people to have sex with him under false pretenses. Including you. He is 63 and so irresponsible and silly, he should have learned what is important when he was 15. So let him be and let him waste his last years. Not that you could change it. You can't fix people like this because they are empty, no matter how much sex, drugs and alcohol it never keeps them from going empty again.

Don't take his sob story to heart. People fail all the time, or miss things in life and then cry about it. It seems he harbors some secret resentment against women for not being all over him when he was younger when he probably locked himself up in his basement all day and wonders why some hot girl looking to start a family didn't come crawling through the window. You don't go from ugly 20 year old to hot 63 year old. Maybe he was fat or something, in that case he should've lost weight earlier in life.

Yes, people need to take responsibility for the successes and failures in life. But you don't know what he did nor didn't do to try and meet women in his younger years. He is an executive at a company and sounds like he did well for himself. Sounds like he has motivation in life, but simply didn't have the social skills to attract women. Stop making assumptions. I'm not saying what he is doing is right, but as a human I can understand. Sexual drive is arguably the single most powerful drive we have other than the drive for you basic needs like food, water, etc. It is not easy suppressing that drive forever.

 

[pattid123]

No his name is not Chuck. LOL You are right...his career and his power in business fuels his ego. I know he will not change. It's too late for that. He is 63. Yes he is a misogynist for sure. Women are objects of desire for him. He is fixated on his obsessions. I have moved on...trust me...and he is well aware of that. We are friends. He has a beautiful but messed up soul. Yes he is carrying on in his journey and he has a right to do that.

 

[pattid123]

Yes, people need to take responsibility for the successes and failures in life. But you don't know what he did nor didn't do to try and meet women in his younger years. He is an executive at a company and sounds like he did well for himself. Sounds like he has motivation in life, but simply didn't have the social skills to attract women. Stop making assumptions. I'm not saying what he is doing is right, but as a human I can understand. Sexual drive is arguably the single most powerful drive we have other than the drive for you basic needs like food, water, etc. It is not easy suppressing that drive forever.

Very well said and absolutely true. LOL. He is in catchup mode now. He is like I was in my twenties. He is having the time of his life!!!

 

[Mary Anne]

Very well said and absolutely true. LOL. He is in catchup mode now. He is like I was in my twenties. He is having the time of his life!!!

So, I do not understand what you needed in posting a thread like this. I don’t think I could not continue to be friends with a person like him. But he must be a fascinating spirit and keep you “captured” for some reason.

 

[Panthro]

Yes, people need to take responsibility for the successes and failures in life. But you don't know what he did nor didn't do to try and meet women in his younger years. He is an executive at a company and sounds like he did well for himself. Sounds like he has motivation in life, but simply didn't have the social skills to attract women. Stop making assumptions. I'm not saying what he is doing is right, but as a human I can understand. Sexual drive is arguably the single most powerful drive we have other than the drive for you basic needs like food, water, etc. It is not easy suppressing that drive forever.

One other detail to keep in mind is that an aspie at age 63 likely spent the majority of his life being undiagnosed and quite frankly lost in life. Many of us here have gone through that as well in terms of not knowing that we are neurodiverse and how a neurodiverse person is suppose to navigate through life. Not everyone has the benefit of forums like this to provide knowledge on such things. I think we should keep that in mind before we judge him.

 

[Mary Lyn]

A misogynist with a beautiful soul? Sounds more like a narcissist to me.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I suggest moving on. He has to want to change, and it's pretty obvious that he has no intention on changing his habits of deceiving and sleeping with as many women as he can. You can still be his friend, but boundaries need to be set.

 

[Tom]

Surprised you even ask. Lying, cheating and STI ? Come on.

 

[pattid123]

I suggest moving on. He has to want to change, and it's pretty obvious that he has no intention on changing his habits of deceiving and sleeping with as many women as he can. You can still be his friend, but boundaries need to be set.

Yes absolutely

 

[Mr Allen]

If he's cheating on you with other women, get rid immediately, basically, you jump before HE pushes you into Dumpsville.

Harsh I know, but it's the truth.

 

[Judge]

Infidelity isn't a specific trait of autism per se, however unfortunately it is a human trait. The real question is how much of this you want to tolerate over the long haul.

Sounds like a losing proposition for you.

 

[Sid Delicious]

Like everyone else has said, this man isn't worth chasing after. He's been honest that he isn't interested in a relationship, only hookups with random women. If that isn't compatible with what you want, then part ways.