Moving on from a special interest???

[LittleFiddle05]

Hey, I'm sorry if a thread like this has existed but I couldn't find one...

Does anyone have any advice on moving on from a special interest that you're not ready to part with? I tend to treat friendships like special interests, and my only friend has been not just a friend but someone I talk to constantly. Now we're trying to part ways for a few months, to give each other the space to work on our individual mental health without worrying about one another. This should be manageable, but for me it's completely disrupting my structure; my expectation is that every day, my phone is constantly with me and we're always texting. I should be talking to him, I should be worrying about him, and I should be feeling I can talk to him. Anything else I do with my day should feel like busy work, and my focus should be on this friendship. But now, I can't even ask how he's doing. My parents are trying to insist I do something with my day; they want to clean, or go for a walk, or anything. I desperately want to stay in bed. I don't know if this is really an aspie thing or just an "I'm losing my only social network" thing, but if anyone's ever had to relinquish a special interest for any reason, any way that has helped them cope may be something I can apply to my own situation to maybe handle this in a healthier way?

 

[mama_lotus]

Yeah, I don't know. I feel like any advice I give you will be bad advice. I get wanting to work on your own individual mental health, but I also believe humans are social beings and especially Aspies should take all the social network we can get. I wish I could help you more.

 

[LittleFiddle05]

Yeah, if he weren't the one pushing me away it wouldn't be happening, which makes it that much harder because it's not like I'm here able to remind myself "This is for your own good" or anything, it's "He doesn't want you" and that's so much harder to cope with.

 

[Manuheleku]

I tend to bounce around with my special interests, so I have lots of them. I may be into my electronic projects one week, playing with puzzles the next, then engrossed in music the next. Maybe you could branch out from your interests and then when one isn't panning out or becoming something that you don't want to deal with, pick up on one of your other special interests.

 

[mama_lotus]

Yeah, if he weren't the one pushing me away it wouldn't be happening, which makes it that much harder because it's not like I'm here able to remind myself "This is for your own good" or anything, it's "He doesn't want you" and that's so much harder to cope with.

Ooh. I'm sorry. When I was younger I could get very much like this with friendships or romantic relationships. Very intense and then if it ended for whatever reason then I was the same as you. Give yourself a day or two to just lay in bed. If you've already done that, then you do need to go do some "healthy" stuff. Exercise, yoga. Can you turn your phone off and leave it at home for small chunks of time? Feels weird but you get used to it and after a couple days appreciate the break from it. Also throwing myself into books helps a lot. Fiction, non-fiction. Books easily become my special interest, so I highly recommend that. Have you read any of Rudy Simone's books?

 

[LittleFiddle05]

Ooh. I'm sorry. When I was younger I could get very much like this with friendships or romantic relationships. Very intense and then if it ended for whatever reason then I was the same as you. Give yourself a day or two to just lay in bed. If you've already done that, then you do need to go do some "healthy" stuff. Exercise, yoga. Can you turn your phone off and leave it at home for small chunks of time? Feels weird but you get used to it and after a couple days appreciate the break from it. Also throwing myself into books helps a lot. Fiction, non-fiction. Books easily become my special interest, so I highly recommend that. Have you read any of Rudy Simone's books?

Thank you, I'll try to take your advice. Unfortunately, my parents aren't letting me so much as sleep in, let alone spend days in bed; I found my roommate after she committed suicide nearly 9 weeks ago, and then on Friday the friend who's distancing me actually called cops to come check that I was okay (he actually wanted them to bring me in for evaluation, I guess he was pretty worried about me... which is frustrating because he put me and my family through all that AFTER he was the one to end a conversation, yet 2 hours later rather than asking if I'm okay he decides to suddenly be very worried...??), so for the last several weeks it seems nothing I do is right to my parents; if I stay in bed all day, then I'm "bullshitting" myself into being depressed; if I socialize, they're angry about how late I get home or what friends I choose (spent yesterday with an old friend from high school - my own attempt at getting out) and won't accept that as an aspie, that type of going-out-and-actually-socializing experience means I REALLY want to take the next day to recuperate. I suppose that's half the trouble right now; I've been pushed out the door daily, I've made the effort and I've been either befriending my boyfriend's friends or getting back in touch with people from high school, and my parents won't let me take a day to recover. They're alarmed by me "treating this like a vacation" and pushing me to find a job NOW (Which is fair, but when I'm so overwhelmed from all the socializing and trying to deal with my newfound diagnosis and my roommate's death... I know 9 weeks seems like a long time to spend reading or knitting or messing around on the piano or socializing when I have student loans... well, it feels like I'm due for a break, not at the end of one!) and it's just impossible to explain to them that if they expect me to go out and socialize all week, then they need to give me a day to recover once in a while. When I explain that being overwhelmed by such things is common for aspies, they say that's why I have to learn to deal with it, having the diagnosis means I can't let myself take that time; I'd been under the impression that having the diagnosis should mean learning what I need to do to be able to function comfortably, not that I should learn what those needs are and make a point of ignoring them, but okay?

Sorry, I'm venting a bit. It's just frustrating. I'm 20 years old and attending university a 10 hour drive from my home; I've become very accustomed to being able to hide away in my room whenever not in class or working, and prior to receiving my diagnosis and finding my roommate and ex-friend's call to the cops, I could get away with keeping to myself when home as well; now my parents expect constant contact, constant conversation, and constant activity, and I'm just so thoroughly not there yet. I hope it's okay my using this thread as a dumping spot for all this; considering it's due to a lack of my one friend that I'm in a place where I have stuff to vent about but no one to vent to, it seems relevant enough. But I will certainly try to find a way to take some time to breath, and then ease myself into activities like yoga and reading. Books were a special interest for my entire childhood, maybe I can find that passion again...

 

[Fox]

I think the first step you need to take is to talk to your parents about what happened and what you're feeling. They might not even realize what they're doing to you, and what you've been through is so incredibly traumatic. I'd also reccomend talking to a mental health professional, it sounds like you've been through a lot lately and having an unbiased party to talk to can help with your separation anxiety.

As for getting past a special interest the best I can suggest is explore new ones. If you explore new interests or delve Into some old ones more intensively and try to get your mind off of things that could help you stay occupied and distracted so the separation isn't so bad.

That's really the best advice I have for you at this moment. I hope you're able to keep your mind off of your friend and focus on you because that sounds like what you really need right now.

 

[Structrix]

OP are you feeling depressed?

 

[watersprite]

Hope you find some great books - sometimes the search is almost as much fun as the reading.

I agree strongly with Fox, above; could you find a counselor or therapist who is knowledgable about autism, Asperger's and who you're comfortable talking with. I know that such a person can be hard to find, and introduces a whole new activity, but it's important. It doesn't have to be long term. They could help you with the recovery from your room-mate's suicide, as well as navigating and negotiating with your parents.