Mixed Feelings

[AmberOpalite]

I have such mixed feelings, regarding dating. I just turned 32 and most guys I know (who have interest and stuff in common with me) are in their to mid 20s and want someone also within that age range. To start, I can understand that. I would prefer a guy in his early to mid 30s.

I am currently trying to lose 20 to 30 pounds and start with a personal trainer this Fall. I’m not doing it for guys. I’m doing it for me and I miss my high school physique. What I’m trying to say is, dating in my early 30s is rough. So I’ve thought about just enjoying life for what it is. I like having my solitude, but I also feel like a relationship would make life easier.

I like focusing on myself, but I also see couples in my city and wonder if I’m making myself even more socially awkward by going to the coffee shop alone.

Who else feels this way?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am nearly 60 and have been married for nearly 40 years. All I can say is that the attitudes towards dating, marriage, and solitude have significantly changed over the decades. I have 2 sons, one married, and my eldest was married and divorced within a year (she had been cheating on him) and it damaged him enough I don't think he will ever get married or even date again. It really messed him up in that regard.

Amongst many young men, marriage and family is often seen as a huge risk to their well-being, a combination of financially, mentally, and emotionally. As a result, commitment is a huge issue, mainly because of the risks involved with it. "Casual relations" is something that has become more acceptable for single people, whereas there used to be rules and a stigma associated with it. Women and men are different these days. A huge topic.

I am glad I am married, because she is nothing like many modern young women these days. She's an "old school" feminist, strong, independent, has a career, makes decent money, and for the most part, doesn't "need" me. I don't "need" her either, but the two of us find that we are better together. We both came from generations of parents and grandparents that never divorced, and as such, both grew up with examples of people who knew how to settle their differences, even if it meant agreeing to disagree, without it leading to destructive results.

At any rate, I agree and like the idea of self-improvement for your sake, not someone else. Granted, it does present as better "bait on the hook" when fishing for a partner. Both men and women would prefer a youthful, healthy appearance in their potential partners.

I also agree that just because you can live in solitude, that sometimes having a life-partner can make life a lot easier. My wife and I compliment each other. I joke that the two of us make one good person.

It seems logical that putting yourself "out there" in public increases the likelihood of meeting people. There's something a lot more personal and emotional about meeting someone face-to-face, getting to know them, and then over time being able to decide if the two of you are compatible or not.

I know some people think the whole dating app scene is more convenient and perhaps gives more opportunities to "weed out" people, but on the other hand, it seems to be a very toxic environment and it is heavily biased against males. Men may struggle for a long time to find a single match, while women are able to receive several matches and be are able to choose. Most men often times, are just happy to receive any attention, while most women often times have a long list of criteria to meet. It's an entirely different situation where many women are competing for the 1% of men out there, leaving the majority of men without a chance to even participate in the process. If you're one of those 1% of men that women are fighting over, well, you might be cast as "a player", able to have relations with several women, and you might not "settle" on anyone, either. Multiple women sharing the same man, but he might just find it fun and exciting and NONE of the women are able to have him exclusively. It doesn't bode well for stable monogamy and long-term relationships.

 

[Stardust Parade]

I’ve had no interest in dating since my boyfriend died 3 years ago. I just don’t really care anymore about being in a relationship.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Your experience makes me sad. I understand your feelings because I have had to examine my life during Cognitive Processing Therapy from old hurts when I felt socially isolated. I had normal desires for belonging and a relationship with no social skills, so as a consequence could see life passing me by. I was convinced to grow a bit because at a time I never felt noticed, a nice woman had kind words for me. So I took stock of the little victories I was having and began liking myself. By 26 I was joining outings groups and met some nice women and used the experiences to practice being social. I still enjoyed the cultural, like theater and had no issues going alone. By 28 I met a good woman four years my senior, and she was kind and patient with me. Her character was far more important to me than any age difference and I enjoyed that we had harmonious interests. Plus, I felt safe with her. We have been good for each other for the past 47 years we have been together, married for 46.

 

[VictorR]

Amongst many young men, marriage and family is often seen as a huge risk to their well-being, a combination of financially, mentally, and emotionally.

Those concerns are pretty universal, regardless of gender.

And single parent households are disproportionately women lead, and not uncommonly with the father being absent, and so I would say that it is young women who have more at risk when entering a marriage.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Those concerns are pretty universal, regardless of gender.

And single parent households are disproportionately women lead, and not uncommonly with the father being absent, and so I would say that it is young women who have more at risk when entering a marriage.

I am not getting into a pissing match here as to who carries most of the risk, but at least here in the US, there tends to be a heavy bias within the court system towards the woman when it comes to who gets the children, the house, the car, etc. in a divorce. The divorced couple rarely gets the 50/50 coparenting deal from the courts, it's more like the father gets the kids one or two weekends a month, and is often alienated from them. It wipes the man out, and furthermore, at least statistically, when divorces occur later in life, say in a man's 50s and 60s, there can be a hefty retirement account and investment portfolio that gets destroyed, all at a time, when his earning potential is then limited...and now is wages are being garnished. His purpose in life and finances are wiped out, depression sets in, and there is a disproportionate amount of suicide. My sister's ex committed suicide about 2 years after the divorce.

Now, I can't get into all the reasons why a father may decide to be absent. I can't speak to that, as it's not in my nature, nor would it have been, that is unless the court system screwed me over and my wife was constantly bashing me in front of the kids when I wasn't around making the kids hate me. In that situation, I might as well stay away as I've lost that war.

All I might say, is that I do agree with your first statement, that everyone loses in a divorce in one way or another.

A huge topic, but not what this thread is about.

 

[ManuelXX]

I understand you because I'm in a different but similar situation. I have a girlfriend but the problem is with friends. I have a lot of friends but not always I want to stay with them, so I also have mixed feelings.
I suggest you to find also in the websites and applications for meetings: you will have the chance to try to meet the right person for you, and if you find a person who is not perfect for you, you will have the possibility to continue your life searching for a person on the web only when you want, when you're prepared to to that.

 

[VictorR]

I am not getting into a pissing match here as to who carries most of the risk, but at least here in the US, there tends to be a heavy bias within the court system towards the woman when it comes to who gets the children, the house, the car, etc. in a divorce. The divorced couple rarely gets the 50/50 coparenting deal from the courts, it's more like the father gets the kids one or two weekends a month, and is often alienated from them. It wipes the man out, and furthermore, at least statistically, when divorces occur later in life, say in a man's 50s and 60s, there can be a hefty retirement account and investment portfolio that gets destroyed, all at a time, when his earning potential is then limited...and now is wages are being garnished. His purpose in life and finances are wiped out, depression sets in, and there is a disproportionate amount of suicide. My sister's ex committed suicide about 2 years after the divorce.

Now, I can't get into all the reasons why a father may decide to be absent. I can't speak to that, as it's not in my nature, nor would it have been, that is unless the court system screwed me over and my wife was constantly bashing me in front of the kids when I wasn't around making the kids hate me. In that situation, I might as well stay away as I've lost that war.

All I might say, is that I do agree with your first statement, that everyone loses in a divorce in one way or another.

A huge topic, but not what this thread is about.

It sounds like you and I have seen very different ends of the spectrum, as sometimes happens.

In my work, I've frequently encountered younger men (e.g. 20s-40s) who are on their second or third marriage, and have more or less abandoned their prior families financially and emotionally, and that makes me very sad.

I concur with returning the discussion to the OP's points and ending the tangent with this post.

 

[VictorR]

I am currently trying to lose 20 to 30 pounds and start with a personal trainer this Fall. I’m not doing it for guys. I’m doing it for me and I miss my high school physique. What I’m trying to say is, dating in my early 30s is rough. So I’ve thought about just enjoying life for what it is. I like having my solitude, but I also feel like a relationship would make life easier.

I like focusing on myself, but I also see couples in my city and wonder if I’m making myself even more socially awkward by going to the coffee shop alone.

Who else feels this way?

I think it's great that you're content with yourself and doing things that you like, for you.

Too often, I see people rush into a relationship for the sake of it (be it FOMO, or peer or familial pressure), which can end in one or more parties getting hurt.

There are definitely some activities like dining out which are more commonly done in groups, for which a significant other is often a convenient partner.

Something I'd encourage you to ask yourself is what parts of a partnership you like, and if those parts can be satisfied through other means (e.g. activity or intetest groups).

Contemporary North American society places significant emphasis in romantic partnerships, but plantonic relationships offer significsnt value as well and are often overlooked.

 

[Jonn]

Amongst many young men, marriage and family is often seen as a huge risk to their well-being, a combination of financially, mentally, and emotionally.

Indeed...

 

[Jonn]

I would prefer a guy in his early to mid 30s.

Spoiler: joke

Mentally, I am 35.
Does that count?

To be clear, my dating days are over.
I have suffered enough.