Masking vs not masking and other people's response

[vergil96]

I wonder what are your thoughts on that. There was this management class during which we gave oral presentations and got points for classroom participation. In the past, I would bother about seeming the right way in the class, but this time I got comfortable and did it like a total slob in my own mind. I didn't try to seem like I'm paying attention, doodled all the time and played with random things that I managed to get into my hands such as headphones or a rubber.

I've been told all the time that my ADHD is disturbing others, but nobody complained now, not even the teacher. I avoided presenting and when I did, I think I did it terribly, because I did what I used to get bad grades for - talked to walls instead of my audience, but hey, no people in sight - no social anxiety. What happened later was that the teacher really appreciated my engagement, it has never happened to me before, I got negative grades and harsh comments for whatever mistake I made out of fatigue, that I could just try harder.

What is the conclusion? If you lower your standards, you will get praised for trying, and if you try your best but aren't perfect, you will get criticised or even attacked? Maybe she was afraid to attack someone who shows obvious signs of autism such as not making eye contact and fidgeting as opposed to someone who masks but can't do so 100%, because, well, it's acting? It's not like I'm pretending the autism, though, that's what I'd normally do around friends and family. Let's keep in mind that this teacher must have been at least somewhat aware, because I have had some friends get angry at me for "ignoring" them.

So. Thoughts? Similar experiences? Very different?

 

[marc_101]

Hm. Not sure that's the right conclusion. I mean, maybe you could talk to the professor and ask for feedback?

My view is that masking is necessary and ok because we live in a society. Everybody masks, not just autistics. The issue is masking too much and losing your identify or the masking damaging yourself in the long run. Not caring in a class or being disruptive is not respectful towards others and the professor. So why do it? It seems that you have the capacity to adapt, so a little effort could be good for you and others. And over time you could ask others to meet you halfway.

 

[tjlxlh]

Sounds like you might be honing some interception skills, unintentionally. As in that you know this is stressing you out based on physical symptoms.

 

[vergil96]

I'm not disturbing anyone e.g. by making noise, however, some people, especially teachers hate it when you move or when you doodle, because they think you're not paying attention, while for me personally, the opposite is true, I find it way easier to focus when I can have a low-impact activity in addition to listening.

For context, it's not like I'm not trying hard enough. I'm trying to do everything right so much that I get sick over and over and I have perfect grades. I grew up under the pressure that I have to be perfect, because I can easily learn and have straight As, but I don't think it was the right approach, as I'm paying with my health and have been for years. You just have to let go sometimes and what is easy for 90% of people doesn't have to be easy for you and just because something is easy for most, doesn't mean it's neccessary for the person who struggles with it to be perfect at it or as good as everyone else.

 

[vergil96]

maybe you could talk to the professor and ask for feedback?

What do you have in mind by talking? I struggle to grasp what the problem exaxtly is. Also, if she said "no, I actually care that you fidget, and don't look at me" I wouldn't be able to follow it without experiencing either a lot of stress or not being able to follow the class. So it can't be a question whether I'm allowed to do that and if she's bothered.

Ugh, I'm sorry, maybe I wasn't being clear enough in the first post how much it costs me to monitor how I look for so long periods of time. Maybe I feel inadequately guilty for any shortcomings that aren't a real problem due to my past experiences and that is what is reflected in the first post.

I'd be happy to talk to the teacher and be understood, however, I don't know what the conversation should be like or about and I don't want the whole class to know that I have autism, because I don't want to be pointed at as the intellectually challenged person (I am not intellectually challenged, just "weird", as I said, academics are easy for me, comprehension of anything isn't a problem, my problem is constant stress and health problems including autism - for example I'm overstimulated right now and when I went for a walk, I felt like vomiting from sounds, smells and lights, it was too much). In my degree, plenty of people have autistic behaviours, but aren't neccesarily diagnosed, so it's not neccesarily something I stand out with. I also had bad contact with this proffessor. I didn't want to nag her all the time, but I often didn't understand the tasks and relied on others, especially since we worked in groups. Asking too many questions that I think seemed obvious to her could have resulted in conflict, and I don't want conflict. The teacher also seems like she is appraochable and well meaning, however, she has some kind of communication style that doesn't sit well with mine - and probably vice versa. For example, it turned out that she wanted to talk with camera on during an online consultation. Nobody else uses webcams at the university and I don't even own a webcam. It wouldn't be a problem for me to buy a webcam and connect it, but she didn't say anything and I would need to know a few days in advance. I even asked if I should prepare myself for the meeting and she replied that no. I mean, sure, it's obvuous to her, to me it was not. I don't like meetings on teams in general. Or the phone. My hearing is bad, I often have trouble understanding what someone says. The sound quality durung the conversation was good, but there was some good luck involved. She seemed to make a lot of assumptions, and I couldn't debunk them, because I don't know what they are. I didn't want to make fuss about the teams consultation, but I put up with it. I'd much rather write emails, at least this way I can understand without doubt what is going on.

 

[marc_101]

You mentioned that the professor thought you did a good job, but you thought you were not trying. So my idea was to ask the professor for feedback about your performance and behavior. You can tell the professor that you have problems in social situations but want to make improvements so would appreciate feedback

 

[Outdated]

I don't like meetings on teams in general. Or the phone. My hearing is bad, I often have trouble understanding what someone says. The sound quality durung the conversation was good,

That's something I've noticed recently too. I always hated phones and still do because over the phone it's like I'm half deaf. But making calls through Teams and through Whatsapp I have much less trouble. The quality of the sound is so much better than a phone connection.

I would still much prefer to talk to someone face to face, but these programs are a lot better than I expected them to be.

 

[Alexej]

I would still much prefer to talk to someone face to face, but these programs are a lot better than I expected them to be.

Agreed

 

[AuroraBorealis]

To be honest, I don't entirely get the problem. From what I understood, you put a lot of pressure on yourself in the past to "act normal' in class and like you're paying a lot of attention, but have got criticized a lot for small mistakes in your act. Now, you spent a class letting loose a bit, doodling while listening and fidgeting, but doing so quietly without disturbing others (?). And during your presentation you stared against a wall instead of looking at your audience, thought you did a poor job because of that, but in fact got positive feedback.

Isn't that a good result, then? I say, go for your natural class behavior, as long as it doesn't disturb the other students. For instance, you shouldn't move around with your chair all the time or get up every 5 minutes, because that's distracting to the others. But there's nothing wrong with using a silent fidget toy or doodling and not looking at the teacher while listening. If that teacher has a problem with you seemingly not paying attention, it should be fairly easy to explain that, because of your autism (and ADHD?), you can focus and listen better that way, and that it's in no way meant disrespectful or inattentive. Every halfway decent teacher at a college for adult students should accept that some way or another.
And as for staring against a wall during the presentation, I have heard different opinions about that anyway. I've been to several conferences where really respected people have made speeches, and some of those were really quite poor quality, and no one said a thing, either. Just figure out your own best way to give presentations and stick to that. No teacher should fail you for talking to a wall if your overall presentation was good, and there's no use in forcing yourself to look at your audience but then being unable to talk because of social anxiety.

I don't have so much experience with reactions from unmasking because, so far, I haven't consciously unmasked in settings that subjectively could be "dangerous". That is, at school, at uni, at work, with my family. At the places where I have started to unmask (alone, with my partner, with a few very close friends, and in public when I can't help it because I'm overstimulated or have a meltdown), the reactions have been fairly neutral. I guess I would need a clarification in your question to really think about an answer.

 

[vergil96]

I don't know I just wanted to share something I have found surprising and it was exciting for me, especially since I feel a lot of anxiety around some interactions and making mistakes. I guess most people on the autism spectrum have vastly different experiences, can't mask, would want to, are suffering from a lack of social skills, not because they have passed their body's limits to perform and want to survive and not be ill all the time. Maybe it's not the right place to share how I feel about the subject.

Isn't that a good result, then? I say, go for your natural class behavior, as long as it doesn't disturb the other students. For instance, you shouldn't move around with your chair all the time or get up every 5 minutes, because that's distracting to the others. But there's nothing wrong with using a silent fidget toy or doodling and not looking at the teacher while listening. If that teacher has a problem with you seemingly not paying attention, it should be fairly easy to explain that, because of your autism (and ADHD?), you can focus and listen better that way, and that it's in no way meant disrespectful or inattentive. Every halfway decent teacher at a college for adult students should accept that some way or another.
And as for staring against a wall during the presentation, I have heard different opinions about that anyway. I've been to several conferences where really respected people have made speeches, and some of those were really quite poor quality, and no one said a thing, either. Just figure out your own best way to give presentations and stick to that. No teacher should fail you for talking to a wall if your overall presentation was good, and there's no use in forcing yourself to look at your audience but then being unable to talk because of social anxiety.

Thank you for your kind reply and reassurance.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Maybe it's not the right place to share how I feel about the subject.

I'm sorry that you got that impression - I meant in no way that you shouldn't share (and, I'm sure, neither did the others) , only that I didn't quite understand the original question. We are happy to read about any thoughts you have

 

[vergil96]

I'm sorry that you got that impression - I meant in no way that you shouldn't share (and, I'm sure, neither did the others) , only that I didn't quite understand the original question. We are happy to read about any thoughts you have

It's okay, I didn't get that impression from your post, I just got overwhelmed by this thread. I'm glad I'm not sharing anything too outlandish though. Again, I'm not always good at communicating feelings or interpersonal nuance in a way that is easily understood by others, I tend to elaborate a lot and then not get to the point and perhaps not understand what my point was until much later.

 

[Judge]

From my own perspective, that question boils down to the people you have to interact with. Sadly in my case, with my brother and cousin I feel compelled to mask or risk the consequences. The only two persons in real life I occasionally deal with whether in person, on the phone or through email.

With total strangers and being retired, the incentive to mask isn't so pressing for me.