Make the effort or give up and accept?

[Skids]

Hello all. Newbie to the forum so please go easy on me!

I've just turned 41 years old, am male and have recently been diagnosed as being 'on the spectrum' with a strong leaning towards a diagnosis of high functioning Aspergers. I have an 8 year old NT daughter and an NT wife.

Currently I am a year into a 3 year wait to see a specialist for help and official diagnosis although preliminary clinical tests and assessments that got me referred concluded I was definitely towards high functioning on the autistic spectrum with suspected Aspergers.

My issue is this and any advice would be amazing and really help me as i'm totally alone with this I feel.

People / Society are my issue. Most people annoy me and due to me having poor social skills and a low tolerance for the behaviours and interests of others then i'm almost gradually becoming more withdrawn and slack in my attitude towards the rest of my life.

Up to now I have managed to live a reasonably 'normal' life but it's been a hell of a struggle. With work in particular and people I work with / for. I find most people self centred, obsessed with trivia like celebrities etc, competitive in how much they earn, where they've been on holiday etc and just really generally uninteresting.

I really hope this doesn't make me sound as though I am some sort of higher individual because clearly I am not. I am just a very humble person who wants to live life in the right way for myself and my family.

I have left jobs I have loved, mainly in animal welfare due to others being hypocritical. They say they are passionate about animals and then when managers tell them to do tasks that are clearly against company policy and against their principles of putting the animal first then suddenly these people don't seem to care so much. When faced with losing their job because of something they stoically believed in that was being compromised they took the easy option and self preserved. I resigned. Nobody else did.

This doesn't make me better than them or anything like that but it clearly creates a difference. I am finding that my differences between myself and most others are too big and too frequent, despite being common sense / black and white to me.

I just find a lot of people lack integrity and clarity and I cannot either trust or predict them. I do feel like an alien and that i don't fit in. This is despite always managing to fit in with any group I come across but when in actual fact I am trying to 'act' NT. It's mentally tiring. The last few years this has made me withdraw from society really and I have suffered anxiety / panic attacks and it's been challenging to say the least. I have always hated social situations and crowds although I can endure them. More recently though I just don't see the point in anything.

In order for me to fulfil myself again and become part of functioning society again then I keep thinking that I need to accept that I am different and accept that although I think many people are stupid and dull, I must join them and accept them because that's what mainstream society appears to be to me these days. Just loads of people glued to their phones looking at pointless social media 24/7, behaving selfishly, being arrogant, trying to outdo one another and all that. Behavioural standards and manners amongst many people I see are absolutely appalling and i'm not talking just one or two. It's endemic.

My brain is always in a state of confusion. I am overweight for example and that is despite probably knowing more about nutrition and how food is produced than many people. It's psychological. I am looking at society as an enclosure that I cannot escape from, rather like a polar bear in a zoo that paces around it's cage all day displaying stereotypies. I now do the same thing day in day out because i'm trapped. I see no reason to lose weight when there is no need for me to do so. Yes I can do it for myself, for my own self esteem but what is self esteem? Where has mine gone?

I do appreciate the irony though as indeed this site is considered social media and here I am using it. You hopefully understand my point though.

Society today is not really one I identify with nor wish to live in but i'm here, i'm alive and I have to make the best of it. So do I accept people and society as it is and try and embrace it although this would mean changing my whole ethos and value systems to that of the more selfish that prevail in today's society.

Or do I play the martyr and spend the rest of my days knowing inside I am right about the world but enduring every single minute of those days battling with my own self importance?

I do have to remember that there are other people I have to consider here such as my kid and partner so this internal everyday battle is a tiresome slog and it's tearing me apart. I have to be the best and kindest person I can be for myself and my family but also for the world so I have to find the best way forward and quick.

Can anyone help? I appreciate it's a bit rambling and apologies for that. Thanks everyone.

 

[Keigan]

Through your post you describe a lot of things going on for you. There seems to be two common factors; amplitude of importance is turned way high and so much focus on what others are doing or not doing.

It is ok to be different.
It is also ok to be indifferent.

You might be able to re-frame the amplitude of importance, don't be bothered by what others are doing or not doing by being indifferent. In that way you are stepping away from that which really bothers you to a posture of not being bothered. Utilize that recovered energy toward something constructive, like towards your partner and family.

Focus on your actions and don't be concerned with the actions of others, again being indifferent.

What I am suggesting won't connect you with society, though it could prevent you from being a statistic of society because if you continue on the path you are on - rage and upset will get the best of you and society will notice.

It is important that you start thinking about self preservation before society determines that you might be a risk to them.

Deep breath, seek calm, practice observing without applying high amplitude meaning to the observations.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Accepting isn't giving up.

Check out the serenity prayer ie accept the things you cannot change.

People don't mean what they say, they use language socially. So in the world of work seeing things in black and white your experience isn't unusual.

I agree with most of what you said.

You create your own society. Start with your family and stick to that.
You don't need to share what you think with others,
A trouble shared is a trouble halved- only works on here for us lot.
It's double trouble out in the normal world.

The hard journey is to be flexible in thought and putting the effort into , not necessarily changing what you think, but rephrasing it so you can remove a large part of the angst.

Stick around, keep reading and writing.. you'll get there.

You don't need to change any part of your value system, just accept your system is for you and your family.
The rest of the world can go to he'll if they choose to do so

 

[Skids]

Thanks for the replies already!

I've done the ager and rage thing whilst growing up and it did get me into some scrapes but now I am more calm and try to not let things bother me however it has tipped the other way where I now find myself more passive and subordinate when faced with aggressive people / drivers etc.

It's been difficult with my kid because I've brought her up from a baby whilst my partner has worked (and I part time) and I've had to y my damned hardest to act and behave as a 'normal NT' would do in order ensure no environmental conditioning rubs off on her. This I feel has been at the detriment of my own health but your kids are more important.

I've had to take her to swimming pools since she was a baby to get her used to water and anyone who has ever been to a busy pool or water park will know what an absolute nightmare it is from a sensory perspective with the noise and the people and the stress.

I've taken her all over and tried as best I could to communicate effectively and clearly with her and engage although I really have had to learn much of that for myself prior and pass it on.

Then there are the kids parties and school events etc which often my partner takes her and I can get out of them but often I can't. I put up with the hell of social anxiety and it's associated symptoms so my kid can do what kids do.

To be honest I wasn't anywhere near as bad 8 years ago when my kid was born, it's only the last few years that the social anxiety has become severe such as physical nausea and panic attacks. Perhaps the stress of having a child encouraged symptoms?

The little things annoy me. Keigan makes a great point about my self importance. For example if I see someone parking in a disabled spot and they clearly aren't disabled it makes me angry and sometimes I ask them why? I go to the cinema and some idiot a few rows down is glaring at his phone screen and the light it emits is putting me off. I have to eventually have a word and I hate confrontation. I don't know how to assertively challenge so I blurt something out and hope it works. If not I've got a problem and I get frustrated and angry but mindful that I have a child with me and there are other kids in the cinema and they don't want to see a grown man start shouting and being threatening so I have to retreat and hope said man suddenly discovers some brain cells so we can enjoy the film.

Little things like this. Apparently some Aspies have a strong sense of right and wrong and for rules not to be broken and I think have this but it's gone haywire. I could choose to ignore every little apparent misdemeanour i witness committed by people but then where does society end up if we all did that?

I think i'm just looking for people to be perfect and to maybe consider others but i'm not seeing that too often. It saddens me. I'm just looking to kickstart my life in a new direction with a new positivity and try and push my boundaries from familiar rigid routine to something that will ignite my desire for life. I haven't found a way of doing that yet amidst the drudgery of paying the bills and keeping a family.

People and experiences you have with them are often considered the most priceless things in life but when you have so little in common with most others then how do you work towards making these happen?

Thanks again for your posts. Appreciated.

 

[Keigan]

I don't go to movie theaters for exactly that reason - I know it will bother me, so I can easily choose to avoid that which would bother me.

We do have importance on the rules, unfortunately that importance is not always expressed well or well received in society or the work place. So we have to be aware and find methods to cope.

Have you considered enrolling your daughter to help you? Does she know that you are on the spectrum?

It might help her greatly to involve her.... which has the potential benefit of helping to simplify some of your activities that are sensory overload.

I've learned to say less and less as I see things that are not following the rules, from the perspective that people over react so I don't need their risk in my life. So I walk away and smile when they can't see me because I'm thinking about how much of an idiot they are - my thinking is, why would I try to negotiate right and wrong with an idiot? They won't get it, and they might fly off the handle and lose it because they do not have the self-discipline that I have.

 

[Judge]

My issue is this and any advice would be amazing and really help me as i'm totally alone with this I feel.

Let's start by pointing out that you most definitely aren't alone. And that being different doesn't necessarily translate into being deficient.

Though it remains daunting for many of us given that we exist as a relatively small minority in a world dominated by a social majority which we cannot relate to on any number of levels.

Welcome to AC.

 

[WereBear]

It's not binary. Those are not your only two choices. Besides, it's not like we can be NTs no matter how hard we try. A lot of the folks you complain about got that way by not thinking. Hard to fake your way into that... it has to come naturally!

I think you have stressed too much over trying to behave like an NT for your daughter. While it was an admirable impulse, you are not being yourself with her, and you are signing her up as a source of stress for you... which she likely does not want to be.

I came to my own diagnosis in mid-life, and suffered a lot because of it. So now, I'm still figuring out who I am; but I do know that is who I want to be.

 

[watersprite]

In being aspie and a parent "choosing your battles" becomes even more imperative and challenging. When you decide there is some activity or situation which is too much stress for you, be glad for the clarity. Cross it off the list. If you create and stick to guidelines for yourself, meaning less stress - it might very well result in you being a much better parent, partner, and friend to your self too. I haven't achieved this yet, but it helps get me refocused when I find myself in a troubled (or even pre-meltdown) state.

 

[Buzzerfly]

Hello,
I came up on a lot of these issues with people and the world around me starting around 2008. I now consider that a time of "waking up". I would say, a lot of problems you have are not your own. Not flaws. I think that it's perfectly reasonable to recognize and be sad about the fact that society is getting worse. It really is. But I wouldn't go to emo here. I'm an NT, and apparently the ONLY one that sees that our world blows. But I hate it, because other NTs are at present deaf and blind to how bad their world is getting. I can't really hang with autistics either, because they are busy trying their best to navigate and accept life as it is...which takes ALL of their time. But anyway, if there is some good news:


at least you are alive now during this time. What if we had to go back to the 90s or 80s or 60s or 70s. Things are so non-sensical and don't function well out there, that people finally have a chance to see that the well intentioned world they built contained both good and evil. And the evil stuff crept up and now has a life of its own. Unlike those on the spectrum, NTs can only see something is happening once it is live and in front of them. And right now, it is! They've just gotta open their eyes somehow.

Keep your integrity. Only accept things as they are RIGHT NOW. And find joy in good things when you can. Also, keep your daughter involved in your life and know that, mothers can shape their daughters opinions of their dads, but not their hearts.

 

[fuðflogi]

Hello all. Newbie to the forum so please go easy on me!

I've just turned 41 years old, am male and have recently been diagnosed as being 'on the spectrum' with a strong leaning towards a diagnosis of high functioning Aspergers. I have an 8 year old NT daughter and an NT wife.

Currently I am a year into a 3 year wait to see a specialist for help and official diagnosis although preliminary clinical tests and assessments that got me referred concluded I was definitely towards high functioning on the autistic spectrum with suspected Aspergers.

My issue is this and any advice would be amazing and really help me as i'm totally alone with this I feel.

People / Society are my issue. Most people annoy me and due to me having poor social skills and a low tolerance for the behaviours and interests of others then i'm almost gradually becoming more withdrawn and slack in my attitude towards the rest of my life.

Up to now I have managed to live a reasonably 'normal' life but it's been a hell of a struggle. With work in particular and people I work with / for. I find most people self centred, obsessed with trivia like celebrities etc, competitive in how much they earn, where they've been on holiday etc and just really generally uninteresting.

I really hope this doesn't make me sound as though I am some sort of higher individual because clearly I am not. I am just a very humble person who wants to live life in the right way for myself and my family.

I have left jobs I have loved, mainly in animal welfare due to others being hypocritical. They say they are passionate about animals and then when managers tell them to do tasks that are clearly against company policy and against their principles of putting the animal first then suddenly these people don't seem to care so much. When faced with losing their job because of something they stoically believed in that was being compromised they took the easy option and self preserved. I resigned. Nobody else did.

This doesn't make me better than them or anything like that but it clearly creates a difference. I am finding that my differences between myself and most others are too big and too frequent, despite being common sense / black and white to me.

I just find a lot of people lack integrity and clarity and I cannot either trust or predict them. I do feel like an alien and that i don't fit in. This is despite always managing to fit in with any group I come across but when in actual fact I am trying to 'act' NT. It's mentally tiring. The last few years this has made me withdraw from society really and I have suffered anxiety / panic attacks and it's been challenging to say the least. I have always hated social situations and crowds although I can endure them. More recently though I just don't see the point in anything.

In order for me to fulfil myself again and become part of functioning society again then I keep thinking that I need to accept that I am different and accept that although I think many people are stupid and dull, I must join them and accept them because that's what mainstream society appears to be to me these days. Just loads of people glued to their phones looking at pointless social media 24/7, behaving selfishly, being arrogant, trying to outdo one another and all that. Behavioural standards and manners amongst many people I see are absolutely appalling and i'm not talking just one or two. It's endemic.

My brain is always in a state of confusion. I am overweight for example and that is despite probably knowing more about nutrition and how food is produced than many people. It's psychological. I am looking at society as an enclosure that I cannot escape from, rather like a polar bear in a zoo that paces around it's cage all day displaying stereotypies. I now do the same thing day in day out because i'm trapped. I see no reason to lose weight when there is no need for me to do so. Yes I can do it for myself, for my own self esteem but what is self esteem? Where has mine gone?

I do appreciate the irony though as indeed this site is considered social media and here I am using it. You hopefully understand my point though.

Society today is not really one I identify with nor wish to live in but i'm here, i'm alive and I have to make the best of it. So do I accept people and society as it is and try and embrace it although this would mean changing my whole ethos and value systems to that of the more selfish that prevail in today's society.

Or do I play the martyr and spend the rest of my days knowing inside I am right about the world but enduring every single minute of those days battling with my own self importance?

I do have to remember that there are other people I have to consider here such as my kid and partner so this internal everyday battle is a tiresome slog and it's tearing me apart. I have to be the best and kindest person I can be for myself and my family but also for the world so I have to find the best way forward and quick.

Can anyone help? I appreciate it's a bit rambling and apologies for that. Thanks everyone.

Be IN the world ,not OF it. And I'm sorry to any that may disagree but yes, in a big way you ARE better in that to you, to us, life is understood to have deeper meaning. And that understanding may just be what the rest need to learn and I believe that may be the ultimate reason for our existence, to teach the world.