Lying and Aspergers

[SusanLR]

I'm just usually so open and blunt when asked something it can be too much for the person to handle.
I can lie if I think it will benefit the situation, but, this rarely is the case.

 

[Giraffes]

I'm in the honest camp but my daughter will lie to advoid conflict and protect her choices and way of being, my partner using deflection to avoid change and also transference to maintain he's balance, wants and needs, i remember when we both worked full time and i was doing almost all the house-hold tasks, i made a cleaning costa, no way was he willing or prehaps? able to share the load, so this blog with other stuff remains regular conflict, to spies like ourselves living a life together equals tricky, you need as others have shared to take responsibility for the effect you have had on your wife, sounds like that's what you want so 'good on ya' and good luck.

 

[Joopsman]

Thank you @Nervous Rex

As you've experienced (and countless other members, myself included), therapy is helpful for a whole range of issues.

I had a 'friend' who was a pathological liar. Just like the OP, the lies were about big and small issues. She had extensive therapy and was later diagnosed with a personality disorder.

@Fino - the fear of conflict with lying as a coping mechanism is a really good point. It didn't apply to my 'friend' though; she thrived on conflict and loved drama. Cutting her out of my life was very cathartic.

Pathological Liar: How to Cope with Someone’s Compulsive Lies

I worked with a guy that was a pathological liar. He was a friend and an on-again, off-again boss at a place where I used to hang out and also work sometimes. Some of his lies were very entertaining. I remember he had a lie of a whole life that he had and claimed to have lived in San Diego (why SD, I am not sure other than another of our friends/hangers-on was from there). The lying friend/boss then met a woman he was very interested in and she was actually from San Diego. He had already lied to her about having lived in San Diego so he had to either cover himself really well or admit the lie. Well, our friend who had actually lived in San Diego gave him a crash course on San Diego, pulled out maps to show him main streets and the lay of the land, pictures of places he knew about, etc, etc. The liar eventually married this woman from San Diego (super nice gal, by the way). Not sure if he ever came clean about his fictional life in San Diego or not. I seem to recall that he sort of backed out of it by telling her he hadn't spent as much time there as he made it sound like and wasn't all that familiar with the area but really enjoyed his time there or something to that effect.

 

[Aspychata]

I worked with a guy that was a pathological liar. He was a friend and an on-again, off-again boss at a place where I used to hang out and also work sometimes. Some of his lies were very entertaining. I remember he had a lie of a whole life that he had and claimed to have lived in San Diego (why SD, I am not sure other than another of our friends/hangers-on was from there). The lying friend/boss then met a woman he was very interested in and she was actually from San Diego. He had already lied to her about having lived in San Diego so he had to either cover himself really well or admit the lie. Well, our friend who had actually lived in San Diego gave him a crash course on San Diego, pulled out maps to show him main streets and the lay of the land, pictures of places he knew about, etc, etc. The liar eventually married this woman from San Diego (super nice gal, by the way). Not sure if he ever came clean about his fictional life in San Diego or not. I seem to recall that he sort of backed out of it by telling her he hadn't spent as much time there as he made it sound like and wasn't all that familiar with the area but really enjoyed his time there or something to that effect.

Married to one of those. It really destroys trust to have someone lie. I think l was more in shock when l discovered how pronounced the lying was. I expect a little duplicity in life- people are human. But this was complete disregard for truth. It felt very impossible for me to accept.

 

[Juliettaa]

Some of his lies were very entertaining.

I imagine the lies weren't entertaining to the person on the receiving end.

Married to one of those. It really destroys trust to have someone lie. I think l was more in shock when l discovered how pronounced the lying was. I expect a little duplicity in life- people are human. But this was complete disregard for truth. It felt very impossible for me to accept.

I'm sorry you married someone like that. As you speak in the past tense, I hope that means the liar is no longer in your life.

Without trust and respect in a relationship, there's no solid foundation.

 

[Rectify]

Lying is a human trait. Not confined to any particular subgroups.

Absolutely @Joopsman it's not to do with autism or aspergers it's humanity. What you're doing though is a problem not just for youself but for others also. It's creating more trouble when what you want is less trouble. I suggest you get someone to help you change your habit. I agree with prior discussion that the suggestion of therapy is no flippant insult but rather a serious and heartfelt suggestion because (if you find a GOOD therapist) it can be so beneficial. I wish you all the best.

 

[Aspychata]

Feel it's a coping defense because you can avoid issues by lying. So you really have to look at these issues or things that present as issues to the point that completely avoiding them is better. I did the denial thing which isn't lying but it's not a healthy response. When l talk about things, then people deny me and my emotions which isn't always a bed of roses either. Finally got to a point of talking truthly about things but my existance and feelings are meaningless because l don't have anyone that has my back so l need to keep to myself with my feelings. I need to adult alone. Lol

 

[ZebraAutismo]

I am pretty much unable to lie. So are a lot of autistic people.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes l have some support. But l have to stand on my own two feet.

 

[sidd851]

Hi! I need help with lying. I am a self diagnosed, 55 year old male in the US. My marriage is in serious trouble. My son thinks that I do not love him. All of this is because of my lying.

I lie about stupid insignificant things to avoid the most minor of conflicts. "Honey, did you clean the litter boxes?" "Yes, dear!" (Knowing I hadn't, thinking I could get away with it or my wife would not check before I could do it sneakily.)

I also lie about big, important things. Life plans like changing jobs and moving to another state. I don't follow through with what I promise that I will do (look for work and housing, etc.). I just want to settle into my daily routines and keep doing things like I always have done them. Get up in the morning, do my routine, go to work, do my routine there, come home, do my afternoon/evening routine, then my get ready for bed routine. It doesn't seem to matter to me that others in my family are miserable because of where we are living or their work or school situation. I just put my blinders on, tell my lies to protect my routines and avoid conflicts (which are always FAR worse in the long run), or protect my little secrets.

Is lying an Aspergers trait? I know NT folks lie too so it certainly could not be considered exclusively Aspie. Does anyone else do this? What did you do to stop lying and make things better in your life? My marriage is a wreck because there is no trust anymore. I have had to come to terms with some ugly truths - like the I am responsible for all of the damage in my marriage and my wife is just reacting. That's hard to accept.

I have this belief that I am a "nice guy" - I am not. "Nice" people don't do what I have done. I am desperate for answers and to make immediate changes. Thank you in advance...

You lie, because you are uncomfortable with answering the question truthfully.
You have allowed it to become such a fear, that it activates the fight or flight response, and you found long ago that a lie "worked", ie, you avoided detection. Since, you have attempted to recreate that avoidance, but, it was not so much you that created it, and, you weren't suspected then. If you have lied for a long period of time, you will have to train yourself NOT to lie.

Your freedom lies in uncoupling the fear-fight or flight response, when asked a question. Realize that you can say
"No, I didn't empty the litterbox, but I will right now."
You can even walk away, go to do it before they reply.

I don't know why you fear responding to the question, or the question itself, but the fear, nonetheless, is the root of your problem.
It is so great, that you will attempt anything to avoid it.
Even lying to your loved ones.
Even knowing that it is destroying those relationships.

Regardless the cause of the fear, it is none but yours, the responsibility to ferret out the cause, and correct it.

There is no pity that will excuse it, or the refusal to change it.

You have fooled yourself into believing that lying is an acceptable defense, at the expense of your family, and of yourself.

Your family knows that "If a person will Lie to you, then there is Nothing that they Won't do to you."

Any fantasy "happy ending" that you may be dreaming of that includes lying is a delusion.

You have some difficult choices to make, my friend.

May you be well.

sidd

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

It's all coming back. Because initiative was too intense (self-consciousness) for me (a low performer at practical things) from my mid teens onwards, I would try to avoid issues in conversations.

I almost can't lie but I suppose I sort of did - I didn't use the diplomatic "I might as well do it right now" solution recommended here.

After my mid teens the stress had so got to me. It was a sort of slow motion nervous breakdown.

My parents had tried to shield me from shame (poverty, slight disabilities, multiracial and serially multireligious, second and third generation migrants, early bereavals, missing relatives - all very normal and ordinary stuff) and we did have some happiness and a broad outlook but I was in certain ways less "able" than my siblings and though everyone was ostensibly patient with me I felt shame by the time O levels came. There was also the bouts of bullying.

I brought these problems into my years of employment, and when we fortuitously got a coach I started to unwind and at least be realistic about myself.

I'm not married. But intermittent drinking meant I didn't have real hobbies. I "mixed" at a weird cult.

Yes by the time one is a grown adult it is "living a lie" so it's great to get little ideas about little steps. Don't overload yourself all at once but perhaps like someone just said you can make quick and permanent gains to gain confidence from yourself as well as others.

I picked up my hobbies after a 40 years gap. Then I threw my weight around in the cult and that's a whole other entertaining story.