Today I had another assessment. It was probably the best assessment that I’ve had so far. A phone call from a psychologist who happened to also be a Jew, which was something he recognised in me and asked me about; he even wanted to know the name of the rabbi I’d spoken to a few months back because he is based where I used to live. I could detect a little synchronicity gently stroking me.
By the end of it he recognised ASD in me but said that there is a two year waiting list to be officially tested under the NHS. Not enough funding and too many people waiting. So I'm not holding my breath on that one. But more importantly, what I realised in being able to talk to him and feel able to say things I wanted to say, was that for the last five or six years it is clear I have become a lot more autistic. I don’t mean it's getting worse, it's just getting realer. The ability to hide my issues has been dissolving. I’ve been losing my protection.
At first I wondered if what I was experiencing might be senility or even insanity, but now I understand that by letting out what had been hidden, I am experiencing it more fully, and for the last few years I've been living under tremendous anxiety and stress which has played its part in breaking down the old protection structure. And because I don't know how to experience myself properly as my autistic self, having spent so much of my life effectively being somebody else, it has become somewhat overwhelming.
So that was a good realisation and there may even be some support coming. He will get back to me next week or the week after with what could be some kind of therapeutic assistance, even if an actual ASD diagnosis is not going to be forthcoming. He was honest and explained that it wouldn’t really make much difference anyway, and a two year waiting list means there isn't much point in just focussing on that. There may be something else that can be offered. That was about as optimistic as it gets for me.
By the end of it he recognised ASD in me but said that there is a two year waiting list to be officially tested under the NHS. Not enough funding and too many people waiting. So I'm not holding my breath on that one. But more importantly, what I realised in being able to talk to him and feel able to say things I wanted to say, was that for the last five or six years it is clear I have become a lot more autistic. I don’t mean it's getting worse, it's just getting realer. The ability to hide my issues has been dissolving. I’ve been losing my protection.
At first I wondered if what I was experiencing might be senility or even insanity, but now I understand that by letting out what had been hidden, I am experiencing it more fully, and for the last few years I've been living under tremendous anxiety and stress which has played its part in breaking down the old protection structure. And because I don't know how to experience myself properly as my autistic self, having spent so much of my life effectively being somebody else, it has become somewhat overwhelming.
So that was a good realisation and there may even be some support coming. He will get back to me next week or the week after with what could be some kind of therapeutic assistance, even if an actual ASD diagnosis is not going to be forthcoming. He was honest and explained that it wouldn’t really make much difference anyway, and a two year waiting list means there isn't much point in just focussing on that. There may be something else that can be offered. That was about as optimistic as it gets for me.