long distance relationship

[emorjon2]

Hi everybody!

I don't know how to start this so I start with our story so far.

I have been depressed when I was single but now I finally found someone (or actually, she found me :3) who really deserves my love.

it all began with her adding me as a facebook friend. I didn't know her, and I was consious about where she have found me on facebook, but I accepted it, because "YEAY a girl for first time " (earlier only weird guys have added me). I looked at her profile too see if she was a girl I was interested in. at first sight, she wasn't. she was a black person living in Nigeria, a country I'm doubful if I ever want to move to. I saw she worked as a police and I though, based on that fact and her look "oh **** she must be 30 or something :O" so I didn't care more about that and continue with my things.
later I see that she wrote into my facebook log "thanks". I began to be curious about her, because she was actually the first woman who ever wrote thanks to me when adding me. the other girls who have added me used to just add me and then do nothing and some of them didn't even answer when I wrote to her. I saw from that time that she was special.
so I decided to chat to her and say "hi". we began to have a small talk conversation. I showed her an african meme where a rhino hunter got his nose cut off while the rhino stood there with a chain saw. she laughed of course, and said "hey, you are funny".
she told me that she infact was only 17. she was both going in school and working as a police, to suply her and her mother. I am doubing that she is telling me the truth, but maybe it is possible, because in Nigeria everything is possible (except homosexual relationships, hehe) as Nigeria doesn't have as restricted laws as in Sweden.
we began to talk to eachother in two weeks and after that she said that she love me <3 I was doubing because we have only chatted, but I thought for myself "hey, she is nice, she wants me, I should take her, I really think she may change my life".

I really want to have cam with her or at least voicechat but her computer broke and her old blackberry doesn't support skype. she said that we will cam as soon as when she have gotten a new computer.

so now we have been together in three weeks. I really have fallen in love with her, because it feels like I can trust her more than any other person and when I chat with her all my sadnesses of earlier time is gone. she is a girl I should keep, no matter what.

BUT (yeah, there is a huge BUT) there is a big problem. we get very rarely chance to talk with eachother. she normally doesn't come online on facebook before 11-12 pm, and we normally can only talk for a hour or so, because it becomes late in night. some times it can pass several days before she write to me and it is like she is always busy. her mother broke her arm and they are quite poor now. that means that I can forget about her getting a new computer any time within the next 4 months or so. often I cry because that I can't reach her even the same day as I want.I didn't think it was going to end like this, I thought that I was going to talk with her much more.

and you who say that she is fake or that our love isn't real, I'll tell you. I already have been out for many fake girl profiles and I can see that this profile isn't fake. nothing she have said so far is what catfishes normally say. she have been angry on me when I haven't been caring enough for her mom when she broke her arm and such things you never see in a catfish. there may be a small chance that she may be fake, but that will not put me into danger. I have clear for me that I won't send money, sensitive pictures or goto nigeria before we talk on cam and I can be very sure that she is real.

also you simply can't say it's fake love between us. the thing you fall for is the inside, not the outside, and I have fallen for the inside, so to say. I know for myself that there are alot of things I don't know about her now because of out limited contact but whatever I will get to know about her, I will not leave her. she may break up with me one day, but I will not.


so anyone knows how to deal with this? I don't wanna leave her, because I may never get such woman again. I hope people will be happy for us rather than sceptical

 

[Ereth]

I know you said you'd rather not hear from people who are skeptical, but I'm going to be honest with you and tell you that I am, and for very good reasons.

Even if this girl isn't a fake, she is only seventeen. I don't know how old you are, so I can't comment on the issues that arise when adults mess with minors, but I do know that most teenagers hardly know what they want, and they're certainly ill-equipped for any sort of relationship with someone they've met over the internet.

The other thing to remember is that the word "love" is thrown around so casually these days, especially by young people. She might have meant something entirely different than what you're thinking.

You say you feel you can trust her more than any other person after only three weeks of knowing her? That's incredibly foolish and incredibly dangerous. I'd be saying the same thing if you were talking about a girl you met in your neighborhood. but there is additional risk inherent in pursuing an online relationship with someone you've not met in person. I know this to be true because I'm in a long-distance relationship myself, and when I finally got the chance to meet my boyfriend face-to-face, my parents insisted on coming with me.

Be very, very careful. Befriending someone on Facebook is one thing, but you have no business pursuing a romantic relationship with someone you hardly know.

Off topic:

I am doubing that she is telling me the truth, but maybe it is possible, because in Nigeria everything is possible (except homosexual relationships, hehe) as Nigeria doesn't have as restricted laws as in Sweden.

This is nothing to "hehe" about. In Nigeria it is actually a crime to be gay or to even be seen promoting gay rights. It's not funny at all.

 

[Judge]

What's wrong with this picture? See "general requirements".

Nigeria Police Force Is Recruiting - Jobs/Vacancies - Nairaland

 

[Ereth]

I suspected that seventeen was too young an age for that kind of job . . . good find, Judge.

 

[emorjon2]

to Ereth:

me myself is 18 years old.

what I meaned by saying that I trust her more than any other was unwell formulated. when writing this, I was focused on that I could tell her about many things which I can't share with any other. that I know since there are things I have shared with her which I haven't shared with anyone else.

I know you are skeptical Ereth, but I will promise that I will be careful the worse thing that I allow to happen to myself is getting sad if she leave me.

This is nothing to "hehe" about. In Nigeria it is actually a crime to be gay or to even be seen promoting gay rights. It's not funny at all.

I know it is a crime in Nigeria. that was why I said "(except for homosexual relationships, hehe)" and why I said hehe is because there's a humour in that when I said everything was kind of possible in nigeria, everyone would immediately think of the new law against gays in Nigeria and immediately know that I was wrong. that was why I put hehe, and not to be cruel to gays. SO now you know that

 

[emorjon2]

and yeah now I saw the minimum age so I will ask her about that when I get to talk to her.

 

[nowwhat]

Dude, seriously. Slow down. Having feelings is one thing, but your head has to moderate between your heart and any actions you take or plans you make. Everyone has a heart, but only a fool trusts it 100%.

 

[emorjon2]

ok if I tell you like this, those "plans" you talk about is just a vision about the future. and every relationship has to have some kind of belief and hope. I mean, you simply don't come together with someone you know for sure you are going to leave. as I said earlier more or less precicely is that I wont plan a travel to her or anything like that before I know her enough. but I am quite sure that there may be a time point inwhich this may happend. I am talking about what I think may happen later in the relationship if the relationship keeps going. that doesn't mean I know8 for sure this is going to happen. but I have the hope, and all relationships have a kind of hope and vision of its future. I know it's a relationship with bad start and that I have to be careful.
so no, I don't trust my heart to 100%. I often have my doubts about our relationship is going to work in future but I'm not leaving a girlfriend just because of uncertainty. again, she can't do me any harm unless I travel to her, send money to her e.t.c and I won't do that before I know her enough.

 

[Ereth]

Jon, listen. You've known this girl for three weeks. She is not your girlfriend. It's also worth noting that you may indeed be harmed emotionally through your interactions with her. I am not blaming a specific person here, but you have to realize that relationships that happen this quickly don't tend to last---and I'm not even factoring in the part about being on different continents.

I know you're desperate to find somebody. I get it. I know what it's like to be lonely, but please actually think about what you've said here so far. Does it make any sort of sense?

 

[emorjon2]

interesting how almost all replies only have given their critics about the relationship but the only advices here is slow down and be careful. any more advices?

 

[nowwhat]

ok if I tell you like this, those "plans" you talk about is just a vision about the future. and every relationship has to have some kind of belief and hope. I mean, you simply don't come together with someone you know for sure you are going to leave. as I said earlier more or less precicely is that I wont plan a travel to her or anything like that before I know her enough. but I am quite sure that there may be a time point inwhich this may happend. I am talking about what I think may happen later in the relationship if the relationship keeps going. that doesn't mean I know8 for sure this is going to happen. but I have the hope, and all relationships have a kind of hope and vision of its future. I know it's a relationship with bad start and that I have to be careful.
so no, I don't trust my heart to 100%. I often have my doubts about our relationship is going to work in future but I'm not leaving a girlfriend just because of uncertainty. again, she can't do me any harm unless I travel to her, send money to her e.t.c and I won't do that before I know her enough.

I'm old and ill-used. Just playing my role as [voice of reason]. I always hope all loves work out, but I know how this world is. I mean you don't even know me, and I know there's no reason on earth you should listen to me or anyone else here. But just wanted to put that out there in a well-intentioned way.

 

[nowwhat]

interesting how almost all replies only have given their critics about the relationship but the only advices here is slow down and be careful. any more advices?

I didn't criticize your relationship, just cautioned you about what I believe to be true of just about anyone's nature and makeup. Believe me, I've been there. I fly way off the handle when cupid darts me. Not criticizing, or devaluing what you have.

 

[Ereth]

interesting how almost all replies only have given their critics about the relationship but the only advice here is slow down and be careful. any more advice?

If you're asking me---or anyone else here, for that matter---to just sign off on a three-week "relationship" with someone you met on Facebook and send you congratulatory cards full of hearts and smiley faces, you're deluded. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it's the truth, and you need to hear it.

 

[nowwhat]

I would add, that the wording in your post has gotten many of us worried, not that anyone here is in a position to tell you what to do, but there's a lot of experience here, and objectivity, which even you have to admit, you do not possess right now.

 

[JohnnyBravo]

I got into a long distance relationship when I just turned 18, though not as long distance as yours (was within Europe, though 8h of travelling by plane/train). I remember feeling similar to how you feel, and its nice to feel that way. Only advice I can give you is what you have already been given. Be carefull. Try to keep your head straight, especially at this time when there are so many doubtfull factors, even though it's hard for you to see them, cause this is something you want so much. Its REALLY important that you make sure there are no uncertainties left, if you do decide to pursue this relationship. Make you sure you get to know her better, see her on cam, talk to her mom briefly, maybe ask her cell phone nr and call her sometime.

Here is how it went for me:
I met her online in a game, and after we started our online relationship, she was basically all I could think off, I was crazy about her and the feeling never went away in my eyes. I started feeling this way like a week after meeting her, perhaps sooner. In the first 1.5 year of our relationship, I didn't meet her, I did however skype with her and saw her on webcam and before I went there (1.5 years in) I had a conversation with her parents on Skype and she talked to my mom for a bit, or it weren't even really conversations, (just hi/how are you etc). I then flew over there to meet her for the first time and I think it was a good experience, however travelling there for the first time was probably the most nerve-wrecking thing I've ever done, cause of all the uncertainty. Despite talking and seeing eachother countless time online, you cant help doubting. I felt sick to my stumach for like 2 weeks surrounding that (including the week I was there).

All I can tell you is best of luck, and most of all, take care.

 

[emorjon2]

Thanks JohnnyBravo for your advice. I totally agree with you. I also think it is important to remove all uncertanties in the relationship. as it is now in our relationship we have been together since 1 month and 1 day back, and we have talked over cam since a week back (finally!!). I will work hard to know her as much as I can and be very careful.
and to those who claimed that she lied to me, I can tell you that you were right. she lied - about her age. she wasn't 17. she was 23. I can tell you that I became very angry on her, we had a big argue on chat why she lied to me, and many people reading this will think I should break up with her for this, and so did I. but I decided to give her a second chance only because I have heard it's common that women lie about their age. if I find out she have lied to me again then I'm done!. as it is now I keep this relationship only because I love her and don't see any meaning with breaking up with her. also as I have said earlier, I won't plan any journey whatsoever before we know eachother well enough.

and nowwhat, I agree with you that I am not that good with choosing the right words to describe things. in fact that's what I'm worse at when coming to possess stories and experiences, I don't possess all threads, I admit, but I possess most things they write to me here, even if I some time can misunderstand some parts of the text.

 

[Judge]

I can tell you that I became very angry on her, we had a big argue on chat why she lied to me, and many people reading this will think I should break up with her for this, and so did I. but I decided to give her a second chance only because I have heard it's common that women lie about their age.

She lied about her age. She's likely lying about how she makes a living too. Ethical people in law enforcement aren't prone to perpetrate falsehoods online. There's nothing "common" about that. Think about it. You shouldn't walk away. You should run before money eventually comes into the equation.

Relationships built on lies don't work. It hurts to be exploited by people in such a manner. I know, I've been catfished too. But all you can do is to get out...before they really take your money apart from your heart.

 

[Ste11aeres]

only because I have heard it's common that women lie about their age.

I think it's supposed to be older women who do that. Not 23 year olds. Not that it matters.

I think long-distance relationships should be between people who first got to know each other in person. I really can't understand being infatuated with someone you've never met in person. This isn't a long-distance relationship, it's an online relationship.

 

[Ereth]

Aaaaagh.

Don't use a stereotype to justify pursuing a relationship that doesn't friggin' exist. Just . . . don't. You've known her for a few weeks. You don't know anything about her and she's lied to you twice now. Enough already.

I think long-distance relationships should be between people who first got to know each other in person. I really can't understand being infatuated with someone you've never met in person.

I guess I'm the exception to the rule, then. But to everybody considering finding a significant other online, I advise caution. I got lucky and found somebody I can trust without really having to look, but that doesn't happen every day.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I hope this isn't insulting, but I can't help wondering if the reason you like her so much is really simply because you're not used to getting attention from a woman, rather than because of anything that's actually so great about her.