Living in an abusive environment/toxic family

[agenderbeing]

Advice?

 

[Rodafina]

I suppose the answer would depend on what specific problems you are experiencing with your family. Here's a few threads related to overcoming difficult family situations that could possibly be helpful.

How to Say No to People Fellow People Pleasers

I'm Feeling Conflicted and Unhappy with My Family Situation...

Mental Health is Suddenly Rapidly Declining...

 

[AspieChris]

Abusive and toxic families seem to be the norm nowadays. Finding one that isn’t, is like finding a 4 leaf clover.

Mine was horrible too. It’s why I haven’t had any contact with anyone in my family since I was in my 20’s (I’m 50 now).

Sometimes you need to amputate, in order to save the patient.

 

[Shamar]

Sometimes you need to amputate, in order to save the patient.

Well Said.

 

[Hypnalis]

Advice?

In 2024, "abuse" and "toxicity" come in many shapes and sizes.

There's only one answer to that one word question: leave immediately.
Within 24 hours if possible. Never look back.
Don't signal anything at any point. Talking is potentially dangerous.

There's probably a checklist online, but the big things:
* Go as far away as you can.
* Money is better than things. Travel light.
* Family can use the police to find you. Tell them at your destination, and they'll act as a cut-out instead.

Of course there's another possibility ...

If a one-word question wasn't enough, fill in the gaps.

 

[Cryptid]

Get out on your own at the first opportunity.

No, I don't mean "run away from home".

I mean, as soon as you are able to support yourself, move out and get a place of your own.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Counseling likely saved my life, or at least kept me out of jail. One thing I learned was about hubris and the chalice that is being jostled.

The chalice represents my own person, and when the abuser is trying to provoke me, that's them bumping the table "accidentally on purpose". They get a kick out of it. Ignore the motives of malice, hopefully you won't understand why someone is being mean anyways. Just remain within the cup.

The temptation is to call out the abuser and to call out the lies and complain about it. They aren't ever going to change though. What you get by forcing a confrontation and accusing someone of theft, and dishonesty is a more dangerous enemy. The abuser now is going to be more sophisticated in their attempts at deception and manipulation. That makes your abuser more dangerous. The desire to win an argument is hubris. The prize you get for winning is a more dangerous opponent.

Echo on the above, escape, with a gentle caveat. Plan it out. Get people here to help you. My first help to you is get another phone and ship it to someone somewhere, who is near where you are going to land. But don't rush an exit from wherever you are. Finding new shelter, qualifying for assistance, getting enough income to survive, all that stuff can be hard. Fools rush in.

Don't underestimate your enemies.

 

[MNAus]

If you are in an abusive environment you need to act to preserve your own safety. If you are in imminent danger from physical abuse, please do take immediate steps to protect yourself.

I'm not sure where you live nor your age, so unsure what resources there may be available and whether they would be suitable. If you are older there may be emergency accommodation available and organisations you can call for confidential advice. Use incognito browsing on your phone or computer if you are worried about someone finding out about your searches. If you are a minor there may be youth support services available. Again, use incognito mode on the browser.

It's important to remember than no-one 'deserves' abuse, and that you are not at fault if you are experiencing abuse. There are laws against abuse, and these are there for a good reason. But please do seek help if you can, even if it's just talking to someone you can trust for now.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

My dad’s secretary who helped raise my sister and me was extremely toxic towards the end of my relationship with her and she was getting more and more abusive towards me and I was conditioned by her into thinking that I deserved to be hit when I didn’t “behave” and that it was normal to clean her entire townhouse without any sort of compensation other than some tv and Internet time. My sister I think managed to escape being a target of abuse because she was almost eight when my abuser came into our lives but I was almost four and didn’t know any better and thus was easier to manipulate into acting a certain way because I wouldn’t question her. Only reason I managed to escape from her after she physically assaulted me was because she had a broken foot and couldn’t run after me when I ran away from her after she had grabbed my coat and tried to pull me back inside her house and I screamed for help which frightened her because she knew getting the police involved would jeopardize her job at the autistic school. That’s right. She worked in a school for autistic kids as an aide and somehow never hit or screamed at any of them out of habit while they were having a meltdown or didn’t behave the way she had wanted them to behave. And she was drinking every night after work on top of that.

 

[Misty Avich]

Abusive and toxic families seem to be the norm nowadays. Finding one that isn’t, is like finding a 4 leaf clover.

My family isn't. Well we've had hang-ups over the years about different things but nothing that would suggest toxicity or abuse. While I do sympathise with those who aren't so fortunate as I was/am with family, I do feel like I'm the only person on these forums who isn't from a toxic narcissistic family.