Since early childhood, as far back as I can remember (single digit age) to the present – over 70 years worth, I have frequent, recurring nightmares. Often times a “normal” dream will morph into this nightmare. However, to be clear, I never have “good” dreams, but not always a nightmare.
The nightmare:
A large dark cloud is coming towards me. I try to run away, but I can’t move. The cloud has no shape, but it is totally dark. I am terrified as the cloud engulfs me. I feel a heavy weight consuming me. I am engulfed, weighted down as if I was covered by an unyielding lead blanket. Regardless of effort, I can’t move a muscle. It is engulfing my face and whole body. I am screaming, but no one can hear me and I can’t even hear myself, because I cannot make a sound. Frantically trying with all my effort, nothing comes out, no sound, no movement. All my effort is totally void. I feel I am being eaten by the enormous faceless, formless monster.
I finally made the connection last Saturday at a family gathering. I realized that the dream is my social anxiety. Standing there in the living room surrounded by family members. They were all the cloud monster. I felt extremely out of place. I had no concept of what I should do or say, yet I was expected to do or say something. Their eyes were on me. The weight of all those eyes binding me down. They were the monster eating me. Since birth I have never felt accepted by my family. I have never known anything except being an outcast. I was a resented outcast in my own family. Some of them are nice (social skills), but I still feel that monster in their eyes disabling me.
Making that realization does not alleviate anything or reduce my anxiety, but it is a relief to have finally solved that lifelong mystery. Just helps knowing more about my life. Early in life I learned to avoid family meeting, but that was very hard to do. It always happened regardless of my efforts. Now that I’m retired and elderly and most of my family is no longer alive; avoidance is easier, but not 100%. Still, the more I’m able to avoid family meetings the lower my depression and fewer nightmares.
The nightmare:
A large dark cloud is coming towards me. I try to run away, but I can’t move. The cloud has no shape, but it is totally dark. I am terrified as the cloud engulfs me. I feel a heavy weight consuming me. I am engulfed, weighted down as if I was covered by an unyielding lead blanket. Regardless of effort, I can’t move a muscle. It is engulfing my face and whole body. I am screaming, but no one can hear me and I can’t even hear myself, because I cannot make a sound. Frantically trying with all my effort, nothing comes out, no sound, no movement. All my effort is totally void. I feel I am being eaten by the enormous faceless, formless monster.
I finally made the connection last Saturday at a family gathering. I realized that the dream is my social anxiety. Standing there in the living room surrounded by family members. They were all the cloud monster. I felt extremely out of place. I had no concept of what I should do or say, yet I was expected to do or say something. Their eyes were on me. The weight of all those eyes binding me down. They were the monster eating me. Since birth I have never felt accepted by my family. I have never known anything except being an outcast. I was a resented outcast in my own family. Some of them are nice (social skills), but I still feel that monster in their eyes disabling me.
Making that realization does not alleviate anything or reduce my anxiety, but it is a relief to have finally solved that lifelong mystery. Just helps knowing more about my life. Early in life I learned to avoid family meeting, but that was very hard to do. It always happened regardless of my efforts. Now that I’m retired and elderly and most of my family is no longer alive; avoidance is easier, but not 100%. Still, the more I’m able to avoid family meetings the lower my depression and fewer nightmares.
