Late diagnosis: How long to unmask?

[Finder]

I am not really sure where my mask ends and I begin. I assume masking is a normal process in communication. NTs mask as well, they just don't work that hard at it. (I tend not to be able to change how I speak to people based on their rank or position.)

I think the hard thing about my mask is that it was developed over 50 years of not knowing I was on the spectrum--autism had not been invented when I was a kid. What further complicated it was I lived in foreign countries. People could not tell if I was autistic or just American, which was great. The US has been the most demanding country to live in. So I have this strangely crafted mask that does not quite fit and has a few cracks.

My diagnosis, which I received in July, has really given my past clarity. It has also given me a way to forgive myself. I don't feel the same type of pressure to conform. But the mask is also useful--I am not sure if I want to let everyone into my world. The other issue is while NTs might be able to conceptually frame autism, they don't understand it. It is not their fault--I can't understand the NT world either, even though I have a fairly good model of it.

I am not sure I can drop the mask--it does have an important function. I do think I can make a better one. One that does not require as much energy and can better reflect my nature. I am not going to get to normal, but I don't want to frighten people either. The mask is the compromise needed for a social life.

Anyway, that is what I think today.

I found this blog post very useful: Acceptance as a Well Being Practice

 

[Au Naturel]

The mask is a mandatory way of life in some cultures.

“Hon’ne” and “Tatemae”: A Basic Explanation For Westerners, By a Westerner.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I think I do "emotional masking".

From grade school through high school, I had a lot of emotional outbursts and meltdowns. I always got very negative reactions from everyone around me. I was ridiculed by the other students as a crybaby and ignored by the adults. So, I started hiding my emotions. I deliberately appear as calm and pleasant as I can.

People at work have commented that I'm the most level-headed person they know and when I say, "It's all an act", they just laugh because they think I'm joking. A good friend at work saw me get angry once after 10 years of knowing him and he said it was quite a shock - that he had never seen me angry before.

I think that I've been doing it so long that I actually don't allow myself to feel certain emotions. I realized this over the last few weeks when I realized that any strong emotion makes me cry. My eyes water when I get too angry, too happy, too anything. My daughter has started noticing it and always asks, "Dad, are you crying?" - because I'm crying over some really dumb part of a TV show or movie that no one else would cry over. And my reaction is to hide it by suppressing that emotion so I don't show any weakness.

I've only just realized this recently. I'm still figuring out what to do with it - like can I gradually increase the amount of emotion I will allow myself to feel and try to get used to feeling it without crying? Or am I supposed to just let the waterworks flow and learn to worry less about what others think? Or a balance of the two? I don't have any answers. Yet.

 

[Finder]

That "feeling" thing is complex. I know when my stress spikes, but I don't know how I actually feel. I know when I am anxious, but I don't really understand the feeling behind it. I too can become overwhelmed by emotions, but it is in context as well--I can be clam with my wife, but be hit hard when talking with others.

I think part is masking. But it does not come from a good mask. I was bullied for most on my first 20 years. One thing you don't show is feelings or fear. I can have a poker face in those situations. The funny thing is, if I don't like something, I can't hide my dislike.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I know when my stress spikes, but I don't know how I actually feel.

I do that a lot. I understand my own feelings better by observing my behavior than I do by actually feeling them. E.g., I will notice that I've been reacting to things as if I'm angry and think, "Am I angry?" Then I'll have to think back to when I started acting that way to realize what it was that made me angry. After I think through it, I can put the feeling aside, usually because the situation has passed, and then start acting normal again.

It's like I only have one tool in my toolbox - overthinking - so I use it to process everything, including emotions.