I wanted to know if there are any NT's dating Aspies on here who have confronted the problem of awkward kisses from your Aspie partner. Mine kisses me very mechanically almost as if he is trying too hard to convince me that he is into it. My previous bf was an extremely passionate kisser which adds to the frustration of this new hollow feeling at the moment when you want heartfelt passion the most. I don't want to hurt his feelings and try "training" him to kiss me. Then it would be even more fake. I guess it's just something I need to deal with.
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Kissing
- Thread starter tapian
- Start date
Ste11aeres
Well-Known Member
How would training make it "fake?"
Ereth
Well-Known Member
I think "fake" here is being defined largely as "not spontaneous"---not quite an accurate definition, in my opinion, but I can understand the reasoning behind it. Tapian, you say your previous boyfriend was very passionate. Now, I don't know anything about your current boyfriend's feelings about kissing (you'll have to ask him), but as I suggested in your other thread, he might be unsure about how to kiss you, or what you like, or any number of things.
Maathematics
Active Member
I personally enjoy kissing (both plutonic and romantic), but do not like being kissed (it feels weird).
my last girlfriend (about four years ago) was an Aspie. She liked kissing and all things sexual, but could not bring herself to French kiss for some unknown reason.
my last girlfriend (about four years ago) was an Aspie. She liked kissing and all things sexual, but could not bring herself to French kiss for some unknown reason.
Maathematics
Active Member
Yeah, it is a matter of preference really, I found it odd at the time though. She was the only female I have been with that didn't like it (I originally wasn't into it, but girls kind of insisted upon it). Do try it at least once if you can... it is an interesting experience.
You may be able to tell that the Aspie male is a bit shy to answer questions of this nature, but can also be quite passionate and fiery, or so it seems, he certainly will rise up in defence of his fellow if things become confusing and at the moment it does appear like your issues are going unresolved with your Aspie male.
I am sure that everybody can understand that certain members let their passion overwhelm them at times, which it appears you would like to see in your guy ; ]
Perhaps the advice your being given, as it is mostly from females, isn't as impactful to you being that you are a female yourself and so you possibly would have conceived of the ideas presented and already tried/ rejected them. Truth is that the Advice is sound and from many different persons from as many different nations yet and all seem to follow a common theme, which to my mind is that communication is key, if you want the relationship to work you cant talk to him a hundred times and then wait for him to do something, but usually you have to go to him and talk about it a hundred more times.
I am not saying things have to be all one sided but you have to have tried everything time and again so you know you've done absolutely everything you could, and then some, if in fact things don't work out between you.
You know, I used to complain about my partner all the time, to anybody that would listen, actually, I complain about everything, all the time, to whomever will listen, I am the sort of person that always wants to know how everything works, what makes it tick, why it is the way it is and how it came about, so I thought I was always doing everything in our relationship to spice it up and keep it fresh and would complain bitterly that she didn't do the same.
One day I realised something, that we were still together because we were in fact both working at it but in different ways, she was putting up with my not understanding things and was keeping me grounded, she gave me entertainment and focus and so many other little things I was overlooking because I couldn't see the bigger picture is made up of the little things. I was looking for grand gestures when each day was filled with thousands of little things that amounted to so much more.
Try to imagine why you picked him in the first place, whatever it was is still there, try to see the things he does do for you for what they are, and try to spot the things you didn't realise he does that you possibly didn't even know about.
Also, perhaps you could tell us some of the things he is worth keeping around for and maybe we can get a broader sense of why these things you've already mentioned are such an issue, my personal feeling is that half the fun of physical intimacy is the learning of who likes what, what goes where, how long it should go on for and when can I do it again, and even after many years you can still have that because people are ever changing in every way, and you can be a part of that with him, helping guide him to a better version of himself.
The first thing you might want to try is to never compare him or anything he does [or doesn't do] to anything that has gone before, he isn't anybody but himself and expectations can often be what kills potential, The next thing is that everybody learns everything afresh from every encounter they have, today he may learn to kiss you but tomorrow he wont know that last night you bit your tongue in your sleep and burnt your lip on your coffee cup this morning, so he has to learn all over again. Well you get my drift, anyway, there are other posts waiting to be read so I will let you go but there is no such thing as bad advice, even bad people can give good advice, it all depends on what you take away from it and the same goes for your relationship with your Aspie, it all depends what you take away from the relationship, if you focus on the negative then everything becomes easier to pick apart.
(I hate the way it takes me so long to write a post to my exacting standards)
PS; Reverse the roles and this same advice goes for any man involved with a female Aspie!
I am sure that everybody can understand that certain members let their passion overwhelm them at times, which it appears you would like to see in your guy ; ]
Perhaps the advice your being given, as it is mostly from females, isn't as impactful to you being that you are a female yourself and so you possibly would have conceived of the ideas presented and already tried/ rejected them. Truth is that the Advice is sound and from many different persons from as many different nations yet and all seem to follow a common theme, which to my mind is that communication is key, if you want the relationship to work you cant talk to him a hundred times and then wait for him to do something, but usually you have to go to him and talk about it a hundred more times.
I am not saying things have to be all one sided but you have to have tried everything time and again so you know you've done absolutely everything you could, and then some, if in fact things don't work out between you.
You know, I used to complain about my partner all the time, to anybody that would listen, actually, I complain about everything, all the time, to whomever will listen, I am the sort of person that always wants to know how everything works, what makes it tick, why it is the way it is and how it came about, so I thought I was always doing everything in our relationship to spice it up and keep it fresh and would complain bitterly that she didn't do the same.
One day I realised something, that we were still together because we were in fact both working at it but in different ways, she was putting up with my not understanding things and was keeping me grounded, she gave me entertainment and focus and so many other little things I was overlooking because I couldn't see the bigger picture is made up of the little things. I was looking for grand gestures when each day was filled with thousands of little things that amounted to so much more.
Try to imagine why you picked him in the first place, whatever it was is still there, try to see the things he does do for you for what they are, and try to spot the things you didn't realise he does that you possibly didn't even know about.
Also, perhaps you could tell us some of the things he is worth keeping around for and maybe we can get a broader sense of why these things you've already mentioned are such an issue, my personal feeling is that half the fun of physical intimacy is the learning of who likes what, what goes where, how long it should go on for and when can I do it again, and even after many years you can still have that because people are ever changing in every way, and you can be a part of that with him, helping guide him to a better version of himself.
The first thing you might want to try is to never compare him or anything he does [or doesn't do] to anything that has gone before, he isn't anybody but himself and expectations can often be what kills potential, The next thing is that everybody learns everything afresh from every encounter they have, today he may learn to kiss you but tomorrow he wont know that last night you bit your tongue in your sleep and burnt your lip on your coffee cup this morning, so he has to learn all over again. Well you get my drift, anyway, there are other posts waiting to be read so I will let you go but there is no such thing as bad advice, even bad people can give good advice, it all depends on what you take away from it and the same goes for your relationship with your Aspie, it all depends what you take away from the relationship, if you focus on the negative then everything becomes easier to pick apart.
(I hate the way it takes me so long to write a post to my exacting standards)
PS; Reverse the roles and this same advice goes for any man involved with a female Aspie!
Ste11aeres
Well-Known Member
For all you know, your previous boyfriend could have been trained in the past.
Alabamaguy57
Active Member
This may sound strange, but when I was young I was afraid to even drink out of a glass that any other family member drank out of unless it was washed. Some strange obsession about "germs". But I gradually outgrew that. Never had a real kiss until I started dating a few years ago. I actually enjoyed it!! (My first gf kind of showed me how). Long tongue-sucking kisses really turn me on now...... <3
bentHnau
Exploding Radical
I've had some negative feedback about my kissing skills in the past, and, when I think about it, I see that I actually do not have any idea about the mechanics of deep kissing. To me, a kiss is, move in, make contact, retreat. But long kisses are...well, longer.
I thought it would be fine if I just went with the flow and followed my instincts, but it wasn't fine. Now I'm thinking that it's not totally a matter of individual style, and there are actually some basic, standard moves that everyone is expected to know. So, what exactly are people physically doing when they are kissing this way?
I thought it would be fine if I just went with the flow and followed my instincts, but it wasn't fine. Now I'm thinking that it's not totally a matter of individual style, and there are actually some basic, standard moves that everyone is expected to know. So, what exactly are people physically doing when they are kissing this way?
Ereth
Well-Known Member
I haven't actually gotten to do any deep kissing myself yet (though I imagine my boyfriend will be teaching me how at some point :redface
, but here are some key things to know, from what I understand:
1. No shoving your tongue down the other person's throat.
2. Be mindful of each other's teeth.
3. No slobbering. Deep kisses will inevitably involve some saliva-swapping, but you shouldn't make the other person feel he or she is kissing a dog.
4. Break when appropriate to breathe (and speaking of breath, don't forget to keep it fresh).
, but here are some key things to know, from what I understand:1. No shoving your tongue down the other person's throat.
2. Be mindful of each other's teeth.
3. No slobbering. Deep kisses will inevitably involve some saliva-swapping, but you shouldn't make the other person feel he or she is kissing a dog.
4. Break when appropriate to breathe (and speaking of breath, don't forget to keep it fresh).
The only advice I can give - and you may not be able to appreciate this until you can do it well - is to ignore techniques.
If you're over-focusing on how to kiss, you are not enjoying it. And she/he will be able to tell.
Ereth's points are good. Too much tongue is a no-no. Focus on being soft and tender, if the moment invites more it will be obvious from focusing on the moment.
Just think about what the kiss 'means' - and express that. But remember it's not all about you. 'Meet' your partner, this is a moment the two of you create together.
Sink into the moment and share the enjoyment. And you should be fine.
If you're over-focusing on how to kiss, you are not enjoying it. And she/he will be able to tell.
Ereth's points are good. Too much tongue is a no-no. Focus on being soft and tender, if the moment invites more it will be obvious from focusing on the moment.
Just think about what the kiss 'means' - and express that. But remember it's not all about you. 'Meet' your partner, this is a moment the two of you create together.
Sink into the moment and share the enjoyment. And you should be fine.
Nolan1971
Well-Known Member
Yes ! That has a lot to do with it! A kiss from a stranger or just friend does not have the same effect as someone who loves you!
starfox64_0
Active Member
Well...I am only 15 and may not have a lot of experience in this area, but I have kissed one girl before (my girlfriend ) and she leaves me in a drugged up daze every time so I think it matters on who you are kissing as well. At first she said my kissing skills weren't that good but as we did it more and more (I've kisses her over 1,000 times now. ) She commented on how I was getting better and better and at this point I leave her just wanting more.
) and she leaves me in a drugged up daze every time so I think it matters on who you are kissing as well. At first she said my kissing skills weren't that good but as we did it more and more (I've kisses her over 1,000 times now. ) She commented on how I was getting better and better and at this point I leave her just wanting more. 
I am NT, my girlfriend is an aspie. My experience is just like yours: she tries, but she just doesn't like it, it's obvious to me and pretty awkward, I feel her experience is like having a living fish inside her mouth. My advice: forget about the kissing, there is a lot more to enjoy in sex and intimacy. And please don't say to him: "just relax", there es nothing more annoying. And if you can't forget it, and he can't enjoy it, maybe he's not the right person for you.
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Omg. A fish inside, that just makes me laugh. I feel it's sorta a 50/50 street. You both have to be into it. Otherwise what's the point? I feel it's just one of the many things to titillate your favorite person on the planet. If not that, there sure to be another pleasure spot.
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