"it's who you are and you cant change but also change or else"

[aspieoutlaw89]

My autism and (other things) are disabilities to me. I have had a horrible life. I try to be positive but honestly I spent my life in this order of feeling from when I was a kid until now:

1- hiding who I was
2- trying to change who i was
3- trying to end it because I couldn't handle being who I was
4- and then I found out I was autistic. and my therapist told me it wasn't about changing who i was but just learning to live as i am and I was so happy about that. that was like the best thing I ever heard cause it's what I wanted and felt all along inside.

but it's not true, at all.

I'm still always the one who is expected to change, I'm the one who is constantly failing to live up to people's expectations. They tell me to do something, I tell them over and over and over that I can't... I don't even know what other words to use than I CAN'T (which to me seems pretty clear? what word can describe CANT better than CANT?)

But then I fail to meet everyones expectations again, because I can't, but then they still tell me it's who I am while simultaneously expecting me to be different?

I don't know what to do and things aren't good and.

i feel your pain of that kind.because as an aspie myself,i go through that too.people expect us as aspies how to act,and how to behave.they also expect us to understand,but they don't understand us.that's why we all tend to fly off the handle behaviorally & profanely,also my way of venting.even at people amongst our friends,as well as those amongst our family when they don't understand our behavior.

 

[ghostie]

Just may be worth considering that being neurodiverse is an important aspect of us, but not everything about us. I have done lots of trainings, therapy and developmental work on myself, mostly before I ever heard of autism, and I successfully changed significantly.

That's because some of what we are up against is a product of our upbringing, the ways people are in our family and how that affects us, and personality traits or other aspects of self that actually are able to be changed through working on them, alongside others.

We can't change that we are neurodiverse, and some of what that means, but I would say most of us can change quite a lot about ourselves. A question might be, as to whose agenda is this change that is asked for from you? Perhaps the way they want you to be or develop, isn't a good fit for who you are?

Can you get a friend or trusted person to discuss the types of things that are being said to you with, as the issue might be helped by you feeling supported rather than interpreting yourself as a failure or a disappointment. Maybe you can be a Swan and not an ugly duckling?

I think after some reflecting I realized that actually it was probably my own inner dialogue that was inputting my feelings of failure onto other people's words where it wasn't there. I don't really interact with many people at all, but when I do I have things running through my head after over and over and the message gets distorted until I fill it with the negativity that I usually do.

But I did get a text from an old friend I haven't seen in ages and we went out for a few drinks and dinner last night and it was really good to talk. Also, I managed to get super lucky this morning and find a free resource to help me learn the thing I need to learn which will hopefully get me a job, so I think things are better today.

I guess I just need to buckle in. I thought I was past my "bad days" but I'll just have to be ready for them when they come cause I guess they're here to stay haha.

Thanks again everyone, I really had a lot of support from this thread and I think if I hadn't posted it and gotten the comments from you all that I wouldn't have been up to it to go out last night.

 

[luna88]

My autism and (other things) are disabilities to me. I have had a horrible life. I try to be positive but honestly I spent my life in this order of feeling from when I was a kid until now:

1- hiding who I was
2- trying to change who i was
3- trying to end it because I couldn't handle being who I was
4- and then I found out I was autistic. and my therapist told me it wasn't about changing who i was but just learning to live as i am and I was so happy about that. that was like the best thing I ever heard cause it's what I wanted and felt all along inside.

but it's not true, at all.

I'm still always the one who is expected to change, I'm the one who is constantly failing to live up to people's expectations. They tell me to do something, I tell them over and over and over that I can't... I don't even know what other words to use than I CAN'T (which to me seems pretty clear? what word can describe CANT better than CANT?)

But then I fail to meet everyones expectations again, because I can't, but then they still tell me it's who I am while simultaneously expecting me to be different?

I don't know what to do and things aren't good and.

You are in a double bind. I'm in so many double binds right now. In Buddhism this is called a koan and apparently it's possible to transcend it. I will let you know when I figure it out haha.

 

[Imeguras]

Think you have to straight out tell people you can't change. Think most people already know but we still may hold on to the fantasy that autistic souls will somehow change, but we know it won't happen. Guess you need to release yourself of (drumroll please) - Guilt Feelings. Oh boy, l said it. Don't asborb their feelings of how you should act or reciprocate. If they accept you they will eventually accept that about you. Do you wish to describe any more in depth?

ahaha, i feel your pain
A month ago this friend of mine started hanging out with my close friends group
And suddenly i found myself with her and another friend of mine(she stayed quiet the entire 3-4 hours), She started by telling me, that im unhappy cause i dont have a girlfriend(and sugesting i will only get one when i way older), saying that i boring to listen to(even though she doesnt know me well cause i dont expose my true self unless you're a very close friend and even then its just a slightly modified version of me) even thought we spent till 3 am and most of the conversations had to be started by me else we would start to loop arguments(she got more lost than I which is almost a achievement), Then she told me i was unattractive and i may as well settle down(her best friend has a crush on me, and i feel a blank for her although she is my friend) even thought in the next 30 minutes she tells me she wouldnt mind sleeping with me, then she told me TO BE HONEST and that its better to be a piece of **** and be happy than to be sad and be a saint(every time i have a negative feeling that statement flies to my head like a million times) then she criticizes me for having a catholic belief, saying that i only was catholic to be "special", and saying that its fake and if god truly exists his intentions are egoistic(no i dont mean max stirner, i mean he wants to ****ing torture us with this existance), then procedes to say i dont have to be special and that people will like me if im normal
At the time i didnt know what aspergers was or that i had it
But till now im barely holding on the thoughts of going to her and guilt trip her until she gets depressed and stick a lit ciguerette on her forehead...

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

My autism and (other things) are disabilities to me. I have had a horrible life. I try to be positive but honestly I spent my life in this order of feeling from when I was a kid until now:

1- hiding who I was
2- trying to change who i was
3- trying to end it because I couldn't handle being who I was
4- and then I found out I was autistic. and my therapist told me it wasn't about changing who i was but just learning to live as i am and I was so happy about that. that was like the best thing I ever heard cause it's what I wanted and felt all along inside.

but it's not true, at all.

I'm still always the one who is expected to change, I'm the one who is constantly failing to live up to people's expectations. They tell me to do something, I tell them over and over and over that I can't... I don't even know what other words to use than I CAN'T (which to me seems pretty clear? what word can describe CANT better than CANT?)

But then I fail to meet everyones expectations again, because I can't, but then they still tell me it's who I am while simultaneously expecting me to be different?

I don't know what to do and things aren't good and.

It's such a relieve to hear we can just try learn to live as how we are. Question is, how?

By the way, any example of the expectation that you cant meet?
If you cant, is there any other way you can contribute/help the people around you?

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I lived my life trying to change things about myself without knowing I was autistic until age 58.
Why didn't I fit in with others, why did they make fun of me, why were there certain things
I just couldn't change no matter how I tried?

I've spent my life making myself leave the comfort zone to do the things I felt uncomfortable and
anxious about. I still have monthly CBT. My therapist will say when I complain certain things
never got easier to do or very little despite exposure therapy: "OH, but you're doing them!"
Yah, but, having that much stress takes it's toll on your physical health too!
It's a hard line to walk. How much to do that needs to be and how much withdrawel from the world
so as not to make yourself sick.

I do find meditation, relaxation techniques and mindfulness helps, but, only when I am in that state.
Some peace is better than none though is how I see that.
As my quote line on my posts states --- Living on the Edge!

If you don't mind me asking, may I ask you what CBT things you find it very difficult/stressful to do? I've never been to one, and interested..

 

[Strong Sad]

Just may be worth considering that being neurodiverse is an important aspect of us, but not everything about us. I have done lots of trainings, therapy and developmental work on myself, mostly before I ever heard of autism, and I successfully changed significantly.

That's because some of what we are up against is a product of our upbringing, the ways people are in our family and how that affects us, and personality traits or other aspects of self that actually are able to be changed through working on them, alongside others.

We can't change that we are neurodiverse, and some of what that means, but I would say most of us can change quite a lot about ourselves. A question might be, as to whose agenda is this change that is asked for from you? Perhaps the way they want you to be or develop, isn't a good fit for who you are?

Can you get a friend or trusted person to discuss the types of things that are being said to you with, as the issue might be helped by you feeling supported rather than interpreting yourself as a failure or a disappointment. Maybe you can be a Swan and not an ugly duckling?

This is a great post. Working with my therapist, she has welcomed the possibility that I may be on the spectrum; however, she has also led me to reflect on how other forces in my life - intergenerational trauma, depression - are also acting upon me. ASD may be part of the picture, but not the only thing.

 

[SusanLR]

If you don't mind me asking, may I ask you what CBT things you find it very difficult/stressful to do? I've never been to one, and interested..

For me the difficult part of CBT is to make yourself face and do what it is you fear.
Some of my examples would be to practice driving alone in the city. Going to doctor's appointments alone.
Eating in restaurants alone. Most anything that I fear doing alone I'm supposed to do it.
It is a form of desensitization and I've gotten better at a lot of these things that make me anxious
doing alone, but, never gotten totally at ease with it.

Repetative practice of certain things to do that is to relax myself if I feel overly anxious or a panic
attack coming on were difficult to force myself to do as the panic is very hard to ignore and concentrate
on something else. But, it has paid off and I can now bring the anxiety level down even out in public
by doing certain self talk rituals, and counting, breathing and tense/relax techniques.

 

[ghostie]

ahaha, i feel your pain
A month ago this friend of mine started hanging out with my close friends group
And suddenly i found myself with her and another friend of mine(she stayed quiet the entire 3-4 hours), She started by telling me, that im unhappy cause i dont have a girlfriend(and sugesting i will only get one when i way older), saying that i boring to listen to(even though she doesnt know me well cause i dont expose my true self unless you're a very close friend and even then its just a slightly modified version of me) even thought we spent till 3 am and most of the conversations had to be started by me else we would start to loop arguments(she got more lost than I which is almost a achievement), Then she told me i was unattractive and i may as well settle down(her best friend has a crush on me, and i feel a blank for her although she is my friend) even thought in the next 30 minutes she tells me she wouldnt mind sleeping with me, then she told me TO BE HONEST and that its better to be a piece of **** and be happy than to be sad and be a saint(every time i have a negative feeling that statement flies to my head like a million times) then she criticizes me for having a catholic belief, saying that i only was catholic to be "special", and saying that its fake and if god truly exists his intentions are egoistic(no i dont mean max stirner, i mean he wants to ****ing torture us with this existance), then procedes to say i dont have to be special and that people will like me if im normal
At the time i didnt know what aspergers was or that i had it
But till now im barely holding on the thoughts of going to her and guilt trip her until she gets depressed and stick a lit ciguerette on her forehead...

What an absolutely awful person... I never would have heard half of that bile because I would have walked away from her the moment she said I was boring to listen to. Rude people make me incredibly angry.

 

[Imeguras]

What an absolutely awful person... I never would have heard half of that bile because I would have walked away from her the moment she said I was boring to listen to. Rude people make me incredibly angry.

The problem is that the only thing i feel when in front of other people is anxiety or neutral so either i get incredibly anxious or ill smile/no reaction. (at least its the pattern ive denoted so far)
She is not an horrible person, the problem was she saw a stereotype of me(cause she didnt know me well enough) and she is really vocal about self improvement(which i find infuriating and a bit entitled) and everything that she finds unatractive in your personality
But i cant talk too much about who is a good person and who is not since anyone that truly meets me finds me the kindest human being on earth and the worst person on earth too(depends on the day)