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Featured "it's who you are and you cant change but also change or else"

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by ghostie, Nov 9, 2019.

  1. ghostie

    ghostie Active Member

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    My autism and (other things) are disabilities to me. I have had a horrible life. I try to be positive but honestly I spent my life in this order of feeling from when I was a kid until now:

    1- hiding who I was
    2- trying to change who i was
    3- trying to end it because I couldn't handle being who I was
    4- and then I found out I was autistic. and my therapist told me it wasn't about changing who i was but just learning to live as i am and I was so happy about that. that was like the best thing I ever heard cause it's what I wanted and felt all along inside.

    but it's not true, at all.

    I'm still always the one who is expected to change, I'm the one who is constantly failing to live up to people's expectations. They tell me to do something, I tell them over and over and over that I can't... I don't even know what other words to use than I CAN'T (which to me seems pretty clear? what word can describe CANT better than CANT?)

    But then I fail to meet everyones expectations again, because I can't, but then they still tell me it's who I am while simultaneously expecting me to be different?

    I don't know what to do and things aren't good and.
     
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  2. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's a bit ironic. It's such a relief to find the reason for why you can't do things. It makes it easier to accept yourself. But it seems we, who are diagnosed, are the only ones it seems to make a difference to. I think we understand the difficulties because we experience it. Others seem to think, "okay, now that you know what it is you can change it." No, you can't. You can understand it - while others still can't because they don't feel it.
     
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  3. Sarah S

    Sarah S Well-Known Member

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    The best advice i can give you is YOU be YOU and if anyone have a problem in accepting that you actually do have certain disabilities that makes you less able to succed in certain things then thats THERE problems not youres.

    All we can do is try our best and to those we trust be clear that we do have this or other diagnosis and therefore were sadly not always able to do what is asked of us but we do try.

    And the only one that counts in disepointing anyone is YOU. It dont matter what the others think
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2019
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  4. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Think you have to straight out tell people you can't change. Think most people already know but we still may hold on to the fantasy that autistic souls will somehow change, but we know it won't happen. Guess you need to release yourself of (drumroll please) - Guilt Feelings. Oh boy, l said it. Don't asborb their feelings of how you should act or reciprocate. If they accept you they will eventually accept that about you. Do you wish to describe any more in depth?
     
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  5. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    to some neuro typicals ‘I can’t’ (they are hearing what they! hear !it is in part bitter ,Insecurity ,arrogance , laziness , Learned behaviour )sounds like I don’t want to help you, it would be more accurate to say I don’t have the ability There is also the answer it is not! possible !for me !to do it .An image they might understand is ,I do not have the wiring in my brain to do that ,wiring!!! might !!!!!help !them !perceive your difference! prepare yourself they do not like being informed that they are not superior or change That they do not like.
     
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  6. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    If you can find a local autistic adults group, it might feel quite a bit better to you. But one person against the neurotypical universe is always going to be lonely and misunderstood.
     
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  7. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Just may be worth considering that being neurodiverse is an important aspect of us, but not everything about us. I have done lots of trainings, therapy and developmental work on myself, mostly before I ever heard of autism, and I successfully changed significantly.

    That's because some of what we are up against is a product of our upbringing, the ways people are in our family and how that affects us, and personality traits or other aspects of self that actually are able to be changed through working on them, alongside others.

    We can't change that we are neurodiverse, and some of what that means, but I would say most of us can change quite a lot about ourselves. A question might be, as to whose agenda is this change that is asked for from you? Perhaps the way they want you to be or develop, isn't a good fit for who you are?

    Can you get a friend or trusted person to discuss the types of things that are being said to you with, as the issue might be helped by you feeling supported rather than interpreting yourself as a failure or a disappointment. Maybe you can be a Swan and not an ugly duckling?
     
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  8. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    It sounds like the problem is that you're seeing other people's reactions as a contradiction to what your therapist told you. Can't it simply be that they're wrong? Let them be disappointed. They'll get used to it.
     
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  9. scorpion

    scorpion New Member

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    One has to live with hisself till the end of life, nobody else or society does not.
    There is no other way than accepting and living with yourself really.

    How hard it may seen, u will have to eventually. Make best friends with yourself first, before anything or anybody else.
     
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  10. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    This is very true! We will always on the spectrum, but that does not mean that we can't or won't change. Everybody and everything will change eventually. Some changes are good and some changes, not so much. There is only one person that we as individuals can change, ourselves. We do have the option to make these changes, good changes. You need to be impressed by these changes because if you aren't, nobody else will be ether. It isn't always easy, but it is always possible.
     
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  11. ghostie

    ghostie Active Member

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    Thanks everyone for all the support and there's so many good ideas here. It's a little much for me to really respond right now but thanks everyone.
     
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  12. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    get used to not trying to change yourself at an unnatural speed ,nature (human body)doesnt give a toss about changing quicker than its prepared to,boy Ive learned and am learning that .
     
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  13. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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    You can always drown out their disappointment with Metal!!!!
     
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  14. AX2XA

    AX2XA Member

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    Something that works for me is mindfulness, meditation, buddhism, etc because it helps still my mind and keep me calm. It helps me to not overthink and to be in the present, to accept things as they are. Because you can't change the past nor the future. I believe it is better to be in the present, instead of being anxious about the future or ruminating about the past.
     
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  15. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    It’s nice to have this forum to turn to. We do understand and know how you feel.
     
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  16. oregano

    oregano really wants a solar panel and a AGM battery

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    I can say that I have indeed changed as a person, but it took me a long time and lots of living life and trying to live it the way other people thought I should live it. It seems that our brains might "mature" or develop slower than NT brains. NT's think that we can change as fast as they do, when we can't. We can change, yes, but just not at NT speed, which frustrates and angers them because they think we are lazy or stupid or arrogant and unwilling to change at all.

    My advice is to constantly put yourself outside of your comfort zone, don't be like some auties who become hikikomoris and lock themselves away from the world and live in one room and play video games for years on end, actually go out and live, and you will change, it will involve a lot of pain and trauma but you will eventually be a better person.
     
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  17. Bronzelincolns

    Bronzelincolns Well-Known Member

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    it's up to you to decide whether or not self-improvement is worth it. if you're okay with where your life is at now than you don't need to change anything. if there is more you want in life, you'll have to do what's necessary to obtain these things, which would involve some self-improvement.

    keep in mind there is no such thing as a relationship that does not have standards, rules, expectations, and boundaries.
     
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  18. SolarPoweredNightOwl

    SolarPoweredNightOwl Walking contradiction

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    You can't change yourself to become neurotypical, nor should you. Instead, you can change your life and how you do things, to be more in line with your natural state of being. I'm self-diagnosed, and had no idea I was autistic until less than a year ago, so I spent my whole life trying to be "normal" (trying to be NT, although I didn't know it), and struggling and failing at almost everything. Once I stopped trying to be what I'm not, and started working with myself instead of against myself, life started to improve.

    I guess that's a long-winded way of saying, do what's best for yourself first and foremost, and if other people refuse to accept you as you are, to hell with them. Most people can't be bothered to understand, and even the ones who try often fall short. If they try, they're keepers. The rest can be discarded. This is your life, not theirs.
     
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  19. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    I lived my life trying to change things about myself without knowing I was autistic until age 58.
    Why didn't I fit in with others, why did they make fun of me, why were there certain things
    I just couldn't change no matter how I tried?

    I've spent my life making myself leave the comfort zone to do the things I felt uncomfortable and
    anxious about. I still have monthly CBT. My therapist will say when I complain certain things
    never got easier to do or very little despite exposure therapy: "OH, but you're doing them!"
    Yah, but, having that much stress takes it's toll on your physical health too!
    It's a hard line to walk. How much to do that needs to be and how much withdrawel from the world
    so as not to make yourself sick.

    I do find meditation, relaxation techniques and mindfulness helps, but, only when I am in that state.
    Some peace is better than none though is how I see that.
    As my quote line on my posts states --- Living on the Edge!
     
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  20. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    This is my sometimes struggle. If my feelings are starting to call to much attention to themselves (the only way l can describe it), then it's time to hunker down in the confines of 4 walls and examine what and why l am feeling this. l actually process now. But when l worked 6 days a week, l had zero time to process and l ran on raw in your face feelings. It's getting easier to get a read on myself. I also call people on their behaviour so much faster. So there is finally improvement.
     
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