It’s OK to Be You... but not really

[Reu]

I’ve had a hard time recently with just being me. Well, I guess I’ve had this problem all my life. After being diagnosed with autism, I’m told I can just be me and I shouldn’t be afraid to just be who I am. But it gets me into trouble or I get looked at weird or made to feel stupid for my interests. Talking about my feelings, which I see as truly being myself, seems to get me into trouble especially with the closest people in my life. I’m told I shouldn’t hide or bury my feelings but when I talk about them then I’m wrong or I just don’t understand. I’m struggling with really wanting to be me but being so tired of the response I get. Especially from those that tell me I should just be who I am. I don’t want to go back into hiding but it almost seems easier.

 

[Aspychata]

You are damned if you don't say anything or you are damned if you do say something. That's why so many of us are content to be alone. It's just easier and zen like. Unless you are with like-minded people.

 

[Matthias]

I’ve had a hard time recently with just being me. Well, I guess I’ve had this problem all my life. After being diagnosed with autism, I’m told I can just be me and I shouldn’t be afraid to just be who I am. But it gets me into trouble or I get looked at weird or made to feel stupid for my interests. Talking about my feelings, which I see as truly being myself, seems to get me into trouble especially with the closest people in my life. I’m told I shouldn’t hide or bury my feelings but when I talk about them then I’m wrong or I just don’t understand. I’m struggling with really wanting to be me but being so tired of the response I get. Especially from those that tell me I should just be who I am. I don’t want to go back into hiding but it almost seems easier.

They may be the closest people in your life but if they don't consider you a close friend, most people don't want to hear about your feelings. Occasionally talking about how you feel may be okay but not too often. If you find a girlfriend/partner, they'll be more interested in how you feel.

I wrote a couple guides that you may find helpful:
Knowing Yourself - How to improve your self-esteem
Being yourself - How to act around other people

 

[Mia]

I get that. What you feel is not up for questioning or discussion, unless it's to talk about how those feelings came about, what caused them to happen. They aren't to be judged or changed, they are yours and distinctive to only you. They aren't up for evaluation.

Anyone who attempts to criticize them is wrong, and is mistaken themselves for questioning them. You can't help what you feel, it's a viceral reaction. Feelings, are not subject to someone elses's opinion. Finding and becoming yourself is livelong quest, after being told by school, media, church and family how to act and be.

 

[Matthias]

I get that. What you feel is not up for questioning or discussion, unless it's to talk about how those feelings came about, what caused them to happen. They aren't to be judged or changed, they are yours and distinctive to only you. They aren't up for evaluation.

Anyone who attempts to criticize them is wrong, and is mistaken themselves for questioning them. You can't help what you feel, it's a viceral reaction. Feelings, are not subject to someone elses's opinion. Finding and becoming yourself is livelong quest, after being told by school, media, church and family how to act and be.

I used to often think there was something wrong with how I felt since other people didn't feel the same way and would judge me for the way I felt. I've since realized that all of those feelings were normal. It was my thinking that was the problem. Once I changed my thinking (by correcting some cognitive distortions), those abnormal feelings didn't occur anymore and I now experience the same feelings as everyone else. I wish more people understood that the feelings aren't the problem and shouldn't be judged or suppressed.

If anyone is interested, I wrote a guide on what causes our feelings and how to control them:
Why social interactions are stressful

 

[Jumpback]

I’ve had a hard time recently with just being me. Well, I guess I’ve had this problem all my life. After being diagnosed with autism, I’m told I can just be me and I shouldn’t be afraid to just be who I am. But it gets me into trouble or I get looked at weird or made to feel stupid for my interests. Talking about my feelings, which I see as truly being myself, seems to get me into trouble especially with the closest people in my life. I’m told I shouldn’t hide or bury my feelings but when I talk about them then I’m wrong or I just don’t understand. I’m struggling with really wanting to be me but being so tired of the response I get. Especially from those that tell me I should just be who I am. I don’t want to go back into hiding but it almost seems easier.

I think that developing a sense of how to make other people laugh or be entertained is the number #1 people skill. Straight forward saying these other people are hypocrites or I have these unusual interests tends to make other people mad or uncomfortable, but a little bit of humor or just coming across as interesting mixed in and things are a lot more socially acceptable.

Like if you just tell people they are dumb it ain’t going to work, but somehow this is funny and people don’t get upset

 

[Fino]

It's about who you talk to. Expose yourself to kind people. Hide from mean people. Checkmate.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes we are just brain thought straight to mouth statement. Like the shut off switch that should be in place doesn't exist. At the time it represents the live wire that we feel. But in real-time, it just confuses whoever we are near. But l have learned to flip off. (Myself not others) Our feelings can be quite intense. But my mother seems to be a little more tolerant of this l have noticed.

 

[Thinx]

Well I did a lot of therapy earlier in life, particularly in therapy groups, and that's a place you certainly can bask in your feelings, plus you would be able to explain your dilemma as an autie with a unique take on life.

Unlike what @FormerlyAutistic says, your feelings are not at all likely to change and become like everyone else's. But you might start masking to fit in, I certainly remember doing that to an extent, because I didn't know I had high autistic traits or Aspergers, and so I tried to do and feel what others seem to do and feel.

It made me feel part of the group at the time, but I also felt dissatisfied and puzzled on some level. In retrospect that was because some of the recommended ways to explore and express feelings, didn't work for me, with my different neurology.

Masking is always an option, if you get other useful positives from being around the people you have to mask with to fit in, it's a balance, I suppose. What @Jumpback says is useful I think, about how to be confident about presenting yourself as different but quirky and hey well this is just how I am, folks, love me for myself...

 

[menander]

Absolutely true. It is only OK to be you if you fit "mostly" in what is acceptable and I do get that. Imagine being someone who has traits that are truly bad. Like a sociopath, although they DO seem to make friends a lot! But imagine if you had anger every day or just plain mean. You can't be that.

With autism, I was never mean but certainly bizarre and I learned early and therapists told me I HAD to change! They wanted me to be "normal". I was not allowed to do things outside of the norm. This is a very common thing to happen to me:

1. Someone decides I am different and wants to befriend me, more out of curiosity than real friends. They gather a lot of data and I think we are connecting! I am so happy! They say it's ok to be myself and so I do start to stop masking in increments. (I always regret this).

2. The next phase is where I start to act like me. This is quite immature and excited and overly animated----you all know exactly what I mean.

3. Next phase---they start to gently back off. Calls stop. Emails stop. Then I feel like a little child who has been bad and lost a friend and can't figure it out.

I always regret that I was forced to mask in the first place because NOW it is always the same loop. Keep masking, make tenuous friends, stop masking, lose them.

If I never had to mask, I never would have had those people approach me in the first place! How much pain would have been avoided!

 

[menander]

I think that developing a sense of how to make other people laugh or be entertained is the number #1 people skill. Straight forward saying these other people are hypocrites or I have these unusual interests tends to make other people mad or uncomfortable, but a little bit of humor or just coming across as interesting mixed in and things are a lot more socially acceptable.

Like if you just tell people they are dumb it ain’t going to work, but somehow this is funny and people don’t get upset

This was so funny!!! Thanks for that post.

 

[Rabscuttle]

"Tell me what you really feel" is a phrase invented by people who think that "one size fits all" is just too honest. They say it; they don't mean it. I don't think it's possible to navigate the allistic world without rooting for Bob Cody, even for the allists.

I opted for the "be yourself and let them leave if they don't like it" approach; it makes for a lonely life, but at least you know who your opponents are. And the friends you do have, you know you can trust.

I wish I had a better answer for you.

 

[Shamar]

I’ve had a hard time recently with just being me. Well, I guess I’ve had this problem all my life. After being diagnosed with autism, I’m told I can just be me and I shouldn’t be afraid to just be who I am. But it gets me into trouble or I get looked at weird or made to feel stupid for my interests. Talking about my feelings, which I see as truly being myself, seems to get me into trouble especially with the closest people in my life. I’m told I shouldn’t hide or bury my feelings but when I talk about them then I’m wrong or I just don’t understand. I’m struggling with really wanting to be me but being so tired of the response I get. Especially from those that tell me I should just be who I am. I don’t want to go back into hiding but it almost seems easier.

Let me summarize everything so far. You should feel free to be yourself, and are encouraged to do so, so long as being yourself coincides to societal norms. Being yourself if yourself does not conform to societal norms is an invitation to criticism and ostracism.

Am I the only one who sees a contradiction here? Saying this stuff to an aspie is like saying if you hold a bowling ball over your toe and let go, it will hurt. Painfully obvious in both cases.