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Is it weird that I consider the idea of me making new friends not realistic?

A

Amethystgirl

Well-Known Member
When I talked to a close friend on the phone today, she mentioned that I could have my support worker talk to me/help with making friends. I just don't find that idea realistic since I haven't made any new in person friends (not counting online friends) in over 10 years. Do any of you feel the same way?
 
Amethystgirl said:
Do any of you feel the same way?
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Yes and no. If I go out looking to make friends I will fail hard. HARD. If I go out and hang out with people who share my interests such as bushcraft cooking, paddle boarding, and photography, I come back with new friends. I made a surprising number of new friends last year and I still have most of them.

My advice is this: Go out and have fun doing something you like with others in your area and good things will happen.
 
velociraptor said:
If I go out and hang out with people who share my interests such as bushcraft cooking, paddle boarding, and photography, I come back with new friends.
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Lately, that often hasn't been working for me. Actually, it has been a social disaster. I don't care what they say, introverts are not compatible or related to autistic in any way, even in shared interests.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
I don't care what they say, introverts are not compatible or related to autistic in any way, even in shared interests.
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You have a habit of making sweeping statements for all that have limited basis in reality. Just because you have a problem with something does not mean the problem is universal or even common with others. Introverts, extroverts, and those with ASD can co-exist peacefully when an emphasis is placed on kindness and courtesy. Of course, you'd need to put the needs of others before your own and this is not something I have witnessed from you yet.
 
Amethystgirl said:
...she mentioned that I could have my support worker talk to me/help with making friends.
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Why not at least hear how she may be able to help and see if she has any ideas that you have not tried yet?

Not wanting friends is absolutely fine, but you bring this topic up frequently and that makes it seem like perhaps you do like the idea of having friends to some extent.
 
velociraptor said:
You have a habit of making sweeping statements for all that have limited basis in reality. Just because you have a problem with something does not mean the problem is universal or even common with others. Introverts, extroverts, and those with ASD can co-exist peacefully when an emphasis is placed on kindness and courtesy. Of course, you'd need to put the needs of others before your own and this is not something I have witnessed from you yet.
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Agree.

If everywhere you go you have a problem then guess what?
 
Amethystgirl said:
When I talked to a close friend on the phone today, she mentioned that I could have my support worker talk to me/help with making friends. I just don't find that idea realistic since I haven't made any new in person friends (not counting online friends) in over 10 years. Do any of you feel the same way?
Click to expand...

I won't try to conditionally provide an answer. Instead to simply explain my social reality:

I've made friends online, but in real life my very small social circle really hasn't expanded since 2008. Though in my own case it's a personal choice. Especially having learned of my own autism, circa 2013.

Though I freely admit that living in a form of near-isolation isn't for everyone, whether you are autistic or not. Once or twice I have pushed myself to be more social, and for a time I was ok with it. Until I realized that I was just doing it for the sake of pushing myself. When I stopped attending club meetings that brought me no joy. I still have mindless conversations with store clerks just to keep in practice...which isn't difficult at all for me.

Is this "weird" ? I wouldn't care if it was. It was a long time ago when I felt somewhat differently. Other than interacting with people online, I live quite a life of solitude. With few complaints.

So if you feel in a similar way, well IMO....it's ok if you do. If not, perhaps you really do need some formal help in determining what it could be that you may be doing wrong with social interactions in general.
 
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Amethystgirl said:
When I talked to a close friend on the phone today, she mentioned that I could have my support worker talk to me/help with making friends. I just don't find that idea realistic since I haven't made any new in person friends (not counting online friends) in over 10 years. Do any of you feel the same way?
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As most people get older, we tend to have fewer and fewer friends. I think this is normal, especially above 40. Throw in the autism component, and this becomes quite apparent. If we have people in our inner circle, it's very few.

I am nearly 60. At best, I have friendly acquaintances, mostly coworkers, but no true friends. I think the last time I had friends, per se, was as a child. I had a few people I "hung out" with in high school, but to put things in perspective, my "best friend" in high school had a "best friend" and it wasn't me. So, I did get left out sometimes. Plans were made and I wasn't aware. That sort of thing.

Personally, having grown up before the internet and social media, I would never consider anyone online as a "friend". A true friend is a rare, special, and precious thing. I can't say that I've ever experienced this in anyone but my wife.
 
Neonatal RRT said:
As most people get older, we tend to have fewer and fewer friends. I think this is normal, especially above 40
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My number of friends has actually been creeping this past year. I lost my best friend to cancer last year and made a decision to be more fearless with going out and doing things, and now I have more people wanting to hang out with me. I tend to be a solitary person so this is new territory for me.

Neonatal RRT said:
I would never consider anyone online as a "friend"
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I don't have a problem with this, but this is often because there are so few people local to me who share my interests or who operate at the same level I do in the hobbies I'm good at.
 
Talking to women like an normal person actually work's. Went to two meetups yesterday I sat next to one and had an normal conversation.

Today one came up to me taking the subway home. Normal conversation like a person. Was not shy or nervous.
 
I have lots of friendly acquaintances like @Neonatal RRT . It's surface level. I meet new ones all the time. I have friends in the common meaning of the word, but they're not the type with whom you sit the whole evening with a beer and talk about life. Develop a connection. I had more friends like that when younger, partially because I needed it more.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
Talking to women like an normal person actually work's. Went to two meetups yesterday I sat next to one and had an normal conversation.

Today one came up to me taking the subway home. Normal conversation like a person. Was not shy or nervous.
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My experience, as well.

I live in the "estrogen ocean" at the hospital. In that environment, my interactions are more or less professional, although I do have many good acquaintances that I will stop and have conversations with. I think where some women get a bit distant, put up their defenses, or even rude, is when they, right or wrong, perceive there may be some "intent" other than simply having a simple cordial conversation.

Sure, every woman would love to have that 1:1000 man. Men would love to have that 1:1000 woman, too. I think both tend to put up their walls and not really give people a chance by simply having an innocent, light, cordial conversation with no "intent" other than to just take a few minutes to get to know someone a little better.
 
I am rebuilding my self-esteem after what that Café did over the summer last year. Wish pray whatever you believe in
 
Tony Ramirez said:
Went to two meetups yesterday I sat next to one and had an normal conversation.
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Fantastic, that's a good start. A suggestion... When good things happen I write them down on a slip of paper with the date and put them in a box. When I'm having a bad day I can open this box and look through the good things that have happened in the past to remind myself that things have been okay before and can be again. Perhaps something you would find helpful?

Cheers.
 
velociraptor said:
Fantastic, that's a good start. A suggestion... When good things happen I write them down on a slip of paper with the date and put them in a box. When I'm having a bad day I can open this box and look through the good things that have happened in the past to remind myself that things have been okay before and can be again. Perhaps something you would find helpful?

Cheers.
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My yoga teacher told me to do the same exact thing.
 
Amethystgirl said:
When I talked to a close friend on the phone today, she mentioned that I could have my support worker talk to me/help with making friends. I just don't find that idea realistic since I haven't made any new in person friends (not counting online friends) in over 10 years. Do any of you feel the same way?
Click to expand...
Making friends start with meeting people and if your support worker is any thing like they are here, then I think it is worth at least a chat to hear what help you can get from the person.

I'm meeting in a social group (not only for people with asd) every week, and it's not uncommon that people are followed by a support worker in the beginning. My support worker doesn't follow me there but helps me stay motivated to go there. And being in the first group, has led to me trying out a new group this week, this new group is for sewing, knitting, crochet etc. where the first one is more generic socializing..

Your support worker might also be able to help you with what to say or do to build friendships, but it probably depends on you speciffic support worker, but yeah, if you want to meet new people it can't hurt to talk to your support worker, and I think it could lead to new friendships...
 
Amethystgirl said:
When I talked to a close friend on the phone today, she mentioned that I could have my support worker talk to me/help with making friends. I just don't find that idea realistic since I haven't made any new in person friends (not counting online friends) in over 10 years. Do any of you feel the same way?
Click to expand...
Exactly the same way. For me, making new friends is definitely not realistic. I wish I could, though. You all know about this.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
Talking to women like an normal person actually work's. Went to two meetups yesterday I sat next to one and had an normal conversation.

Today one came up to me taking the subway home. Normal conversation like a person. Was not shy or nervous.
Click to expand...
yeah, conversation is everything, and men do need more communication training than women do, and i know many people will say so what or who cares. Men are also the only gender that were meant to have a mentor or have mentors it seems
 
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