Is it truly: better late than never or is it: shameful on you for learning so late?

[Suzanne]

I am 45 and only now, realizing that if I want to be seen as an equal participant in my marriage, that I ought to start joining in paying bills ie writing out cheques and the such.

Mathematics and me are arch enemies and so, it hit me that is why I have shied away so far, because I felt I did not have the right to share the bill paying and because I am not the one earning the money.

Well, it took a lovely lady I know to say that just because I do not go out physically and earn the money, does not mean I am not earning the money! How else does my husband get food and clean clothes and a clean home? He has never given me housekeeping because for one, he says he can't afford to and two: because I do not go anywhere and thus, what do I want housekeeping for? These arguments have rendered me silent, because really he is right! Well right in what he says literally.

He usually says: I have yet another bill come through and I have taken to saying: no, darling: WE have another bill come through!

He actually said the other day: ok so here is an electric bill and why don't you pay it this time? So he showed me how to do it ( because it is all in French) and because amazingly, the cheque is in both our names, means that my signature is as worthy as his!

We had a shepherding visit not long ago, at my request ( elders = priests) and they suggested we sit down together and sort our goings and comings in and so, hopefully that will happen soon.

I just feel at 45, I should be ashamed that it has taken just now, to realize all this!

 

[Spiller]

I see no shame on your part - I still have no idea how to start a relationship at 48, so you're way ahead of me there

If housewives were paid to the value of the work they do and the hours they work they would be high earners. Just because the work you do isn't obvious and the other half doesn't notice how clean and tidy the place is, how there are always clean clothes, food in the cupboards, a meal cooking, that simply means you're doing a fantastic job!

Why do you feel you need to take on the bills, except so that you're competent in more of the running of your household if you should ever need to be?
Does your husband run the hoover round regularly, or cook, or throw a few loads of washing into the washing machine (without mixing up colors with whites..), or iron, in case he should ever have to?

I was married for 23 years, during which I ran my own business, cooked and cleaned and looked after my kids, while my wife literally did nothing other than spend all our savings - I really appreciate the effort you put in to your relationship, Suzanne, I hope your husband truly does too.
We can't be good at everything, though it doesn't hurt to try - something I believe makes a relationship strong.. you both play to your strengths and compensate for each others' weaknesses.

 

[Suzanne]

I see no shame on your part - I still have no idea how to start a relationship at 48, so you're way ahead of me there

If housewives were paid to the value of the work they do and the hours they work they would be high earners. Just because the work you do isn't obvious and the other half doesn't notice how clean and tidy the place is, how there are always clean clothes, food in the cupboards, a meal cooking, that simply means you're doing a fantastic job!

Why do you feel you need to take on the bills, except so that you're competent in more of the running of your household if you should ever need to be?
Does your husband run the hoover round regularly, or cook, or throw a few loads of washing into the washing machine (without mixing up colors with whites..), or iron, in case he should ever have to?

I was married for 23 years, during which I ran my own business, cooked and cleaned and looked after my kids, while my wife literally did nothing other than spend all our savings - I really appreciate the effort you put in to your relationship, Suzanne, I hope your husband truly does too.
We can't be good at everything, though it doesn't hurt to try - something I believe makes a relationship strong.. you both play to your strengths and compensate for each others' weaknesses.

No, my husband thinks that what he does outside means that he has the right to not do anything inside! And I mean even on days when he is not working, because his excuse is: when do I get a day off eh? You get to stay home and can take breaks when ever you want, which to be fair, is right. But if I were to do what he expects, it would mean I am working more than he does, because he thinks I take too much time for pleasure! As it happens I have to take breaks because of wicked circulation issues in my legs!

Not take on the bills, but share the bills, which really is what I should do and because one minute he says that we are broke; we are spending more than we earn and the next minute, he is buying something, that really confuses me!

Oh my! I could never be the way your wife was; it makes me shudder the mere thought of it lol and thank you so much for your kind words to me.

 

[Spiller]

I was worried you might think my post too critical of your husband, Suzanne and I'm glad you haven't taken offence.
I strongly believe in relationships being balanced and equal, especially because of my experience, so I always get a bee in my bonnet when men say their wives don't do much.. or, perhaps, vice-versa as my ex always said it about me.
Having taken care of myself and my kids all my - and their - lives, I know I don't get to put my feet up after dinner - there's still the washing-up, tidying, washing and ironing our clothes for tomorrow, tidying, doing stuff with the kids, fixing the TV signal cos their programs are starting, tidying, stopping arguments, supper, washing-up, tidying, getting the kids to wash, tidying, putting them to bed, having my wash, tidying..
So your hubby is saying you should share responsibility for handling the home finances.. I presume you'll allow yourselves a weekly pocket money allowance - you can save it, go out, do a little shopping (out and online). It's good to know you have a little spending money.
.. I'm a little confused here, though, as it sounds like he has spending money but you don't..?

 

[wanderer03]

I am 45 and only now, realizing that if I want to be seen as an equal participant in my marriage, that I ought to start joining in paying bills ie writing out cheques and the such.

Mathematics and me are arch enemies and so, it hit me that is why I have shied away so far, because I felt I did not have the right to share the bill paying and because I am not the one earning the money.

Well, it took a lovely lady I know to say that just because I do not go out physically and earn the money, does not mean I am not earning the money! How else does my husband get food and clean clothes and a clean home? He has never given me housekeeping because for one, he says he can't afford to and two: because I do not go anywhere and thus, what do I want housekeeping for? These arguments have rendered me silent, because really he is right! Well right in what he says literally.

He usually says: I have yet another bill come through and I have taken to saying: no, darling: WE have another bill come through!

He actually said the other day: ok so here is an electric bill and why don't you pay it this time? So he showed me how to do it ( because it is all in French) and because amazingly, the cheque is in both our names, means that my signature is as worthy as his!

We had a shepherding visit not long ago, at my request ( elders = priests) and they suggested we sit down together and sort our goings and comings in and so, hopefully that will happen soon.

I just feel at 45, I should be ashamed that it has taken just now, to realize all this!

It's perfectly okay - all the issue is is with executive functioning. No shame in that at all. I suffer from much the same affliction. I have difficulty cooking yet I can work some serious magic with computers and servers.

 

[Major]

I more recently got to take over paying the bills and figuring out what monies needed for what also Suzanne. We made a list of all our bills and then on the computer we made a folder that has all the information needed to pay each bill. On pay day I pull up each one on the computer and after its paid I close the window so I know that one is done. Then I figure how much cash both me and my husband will need for our own activities for the pay period and he gets out the amount I request from the bank. Once everything clears he picks a game and I pick a book or a movie and we are set and try not to spend money. (it happens though)

 

[Suzanne]

I was worried you might think my post too critical of your husband, Suzanne and I'm glad you haven't taken offence.
I strongly believe in relationships being balanced and equal, especially because of my experience, so I always get a bee in my bonnet when men say their wives don't do much.. or, perhaps, vice-versa as my ex always said it about me.
Having taken care of myself and my kids all my - and their - lives, I know I don't get to put my feet up after dinner - there's still the washing-up, tidying, washing and ironing our clothes for tomorrow, tidying, doing stuff with the kids, fixing the TV signal cos their programs are starting, tidying, stopping arguments, supper, washing-up, tidying, getting the kids to wash, tidying, putting them to bed, having my wash, tidying..
So your hubby is saying you should share responsibility for handling the home finances.. I presume you'll allow yourselves a weekly pocket money allowance - you can save it, go out, do a little shopping (out and online). It's good to know you have a little spending money.
.. I'm a little confused here, though, as it sounds like he has spending money but you don't..?

You most certainly have not offended me! And no, at the moment I do not have any "pocket money" but he has agreed to 20 euros a fortnight and so, I shall be happy with that!

 

[ChrisC1983]

it's funny.. i've always been great with money management. my grandmother used to manage all of it but when she got sick i started helping and although i don't make enough to cover all the bills, i make sure they all get paid in full and on time. i've always been good with money, possibly because i never had much of it. the only times i've had financial troubles was listening to my family....... because.. you know.. as a kid, even if you know your parents are screwups it's hard to push out the whole "they're the parent, they must know more than i do" so they've talked me into some bad decisions. but i myself.. well, working 1yr (really the only time i worked) i managed to save about 5K, and had 1500 in a 401k fund, and i bought some stuff for me (built a computer, new clothes ect) and bought gifts on holidays AND bought a fridge for the house and helped pay for some remodeling (as well as doing the work) AND i was paying the cable/phone/internet bill at that time (no rent, but that was about 225/mo.. the equivalent of room/board)

as i type this..... i clearly should be ignoring everything people tell me and just do what i want lol. i've been working with family for 3yrs now. i'm in debt, had to sell my car, got yelled at (still.. almost 6 months now) for buying a new TV and the only reason i have $1000 saved is because i was able to sneak it without them realizing i have it or i wouldn't have a penny. i've tried "regular" jobs (cashier/clerk typical starter job stuff) and i just can't mentally handle it anymore but i can do this antique stuff on my own


ok enough "me me me"... sorry, came to a realization while typing lol

what i WANTED to say.... was that just being a homemaker is a job in itself. i don't know exactly what you do while at home. but, for example.. laundry, cleaning the house, cooking, doing dishes, feeding and taking care of any pets.... typical "in the house" stuff... is work. it's stressful, time consuming, and needs to be done. it may not come with a monetary paycheck but imagine if you were not there and the added work he would need to do
my father used to bleach the entire bathroom once a week, mop behind the sink and wash the curtains once a month before he got a girlfriend. now, he spends so much time at her house i don't think any of those things have been done in 6 months or longer and sometimes (which really concerns me) when i go back home the cat will have no food. and the fridge is like a college dorm fridge... frozen hotdogs, some bread, a few cans of food and 3 bottles of alcohol with a bunch of cans of soda. i usually go there every other week.. sometimes the same dishes are still in the sink...... trust me, maintaining a home is work.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

what i WANTED to say.... was that just being a homemaker is a job in itself. i don't know exactly what you do while at home. but, for example.. laundry, cleaning the house, cooking, doing dishes, feeding and taking care of any pets.... typical "in the house" stuff... is work. it's stressful, time consuming, and needs to be done. it may not come with a monetary paycheck but imagine if you were not there and the added work he would need to do...

"Based on the 10 most time consuming tasks listed by more than 6,000 mothers, Salary.com estimated it would cost $113,586 a year to replace them. That's a paltry $624 (0.5%) raise since the same study in 2012.

To put that in perspective, a physician earns about $153,000 for 56 hours of work per week.


Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/value-of-stay-at-home-moms-2013-5#ixzz3jPejB0og"

 

[ChrisC1983]

i've never understood where they get that amount. i guess maybe if you look at it as a 24/7 job, since it's very difficult to get that pay as a career (a police lieutenant earns about 115K)... but yeah, to pay a random stranger to cook for you, wash your laundry and clean your house.. they aren't going to take minimum wage. hell i don't even like to fold my fathers underwear and i HATE cleaning the bathroom (may be a bit better if it was just my bathroom.. but i still wouldn't like it)

 

[JuniperBug]

There's never any Shame in learning and growing as a person. It is healthy to be constantly improving and you should be proud of yourself. You are taking pride in your place in the relationship and taking steps towards positive change. That is never easy and yet always essential.

It sounds like your partner is willing to help you and change the way he sees the relationship as well. Just stay positive and open and communicate well with him and good things will come.