Is anyone possesive of their partners?

[AmyLilyAnna]

I'm always so insecure with my fiance hes got female friends and i dont like it, we've broke up about stuff like this in the past and i find it so hard to trust him, I always think he's with other girls. Apparently this is do do with aspergers being obsessive.
I read into things all the time and we can argue over the stupidest things just because of my aspergers, and I misinterpret things so it makes things worse.
Sometimes I get so down about it, that I get it into my head that he dosen't love me anymore, its really stupid I know...

 

[gonzerd]

It's something I recognize, but I wouldn't call myself possesive. Part of it may have an obsessive nature (I find myself easily lost when love comes around, and it might be difficult to differ my thoughts to anything else. Growing more and more aware of it does help though.) I think most of it stems forth from insecurity, from the trouble we have 'reading' other people. When I was still in a long relationship I found it was very confusing to sort of know what she was thinking, what she was feeling. Is she angry? Or sad? Maybe she's just concentrating? Or sleepy? Talking helps of course, but there can be lots of misinterpretations in that area too, and if there are too many misinterpretations, the whole concept of talking in itself becomes a cause of insecurity. All this didn't do my self esteem any good too, and once everything got mixed together, I was more or less in constant fear she was going to leave me. That made me want to hang on more, which would then spark the doubt if maybe I was too possesive. Nothing but insecurity.
Anyway, so far this probably isn't helping too much. I'd say keep talking. Be open about it, about the insecurities, about the Asperger's. Educate each other about each other. Communication is so much more than just talking. Just using the same language isn't enough. It's also knowing how that particular person works/thinks/feels, how he or she communicates.
And try not to worry about it too much, because that only makes it a lot harder than it needs to be. It's in no way stupid, just a normal set of reactions.

 

[SuspiciousOwl]

I can be too possesive over my girlfriend without realising or meaning to. I really love her, and part of that is wanting to keep her safe and have to myself, but at the same time I know that it is really not a good thing to get into with a relationship. I wouldn't want to be suffocated, but I just can't seem to figure out the boundries sometimes

 

[superboyian]

I must admit, I was like that in my previous relationships that I had in the past but only because of the insecurities that I had back in the days and how to handle it.

The love pretty much starts with loving yourself in order to give the same love and respect to get yourself a good and successful relationship as well as being able to trust your partner on the other hand.

As long as you and your partner have this trust, the less you feel the need to be possessive in the relationship.

 

[Sir Les Patterson]

I'm always so insecure with my fiance hes got female friends and i dont like it, we've broke up about stuff like this in the past and i find it so hard to trust him, I always think he's with other girls. Apparently this is do do with aspergers being obsessive.
I read into things all the time and we can argue over the stupidest things just because of my aspergers, and I misinterpret things so it makes things worse.
Sometimes I get so down about it, that I get it into my head that he dosen't love me anymore, its really stupid I know...

It is not very cool to blame this all on having Asperger;'s. You don't trust him because either he is unable to be trusted and you feel this about him for a good reason (in which case find someone you can trust) or you are simply being unreasonable about this guy and you have to sort your **** out.

It is not Asperger's Syndrome that makes you jealous. You are jealous because you are jealous. The person who needs to control this is you.

You know if you fight with him all the time over this and then panic that he does not love you, it may well be self fulfilling prophecy. I sure as hell would not want to be with a woman carrying on like that.

Hope this helps.

 

[kasmanaft08]

I wouldn't say it's Asperger's. I'm not a jealous person, really, but I do have some insecurities. Generally I don't see the point in putting effort into someone you are sure is cheating or would cheat on you. So if you can't trust the guy (or girl) to that extent it's making it unpleasant, I'd say you shouldn't be with the person.

If you know deep down though that you are being irrational, that's really your responsibility to sort that out. I don't think it's an Asperger's thing to feel hyper-jealous, I think it's a security thing. Little things can make me a bit jealous sure- and if it bothers me enough I'll tell the person what makes me uncomfortable or if I'm feeling insecure. Usually it's just wording on their part or a misunderstanding, so it's usually not worth starting a giant fight over.

But there's a point where you have to work out the logic yourself and kind of work out in your head what's rational or not. I think it's the Asperger's, rational/literal side of thinking that has a benefit in that case, to be honest.

 

[2010Dolby]

I can be too possesive over my girlfriend without realising or meaning to. I really love her, and part of that is wanting to keep her safe and have to myself, but at the same time I know that it is really not a good thing to get into with a relationship. I wouldn't want to be suffocated, but I just can't seem to figure out the boundries sometimes

That's a description of me in a relationship. Iv thought about it and I break it down into two reasons. The first one is because I have the deep down thought in my head that every girl will cheat so no girl can be trusted. I know its not true and I know its not fair to think that way but I just cant stop that idea.

The second reason is because of how loyal and trustworthy I am, so I feel like I deserve to get that back. I can kinda see how this is justified. If I'm a 100% dedicated boyfriend then I want a 100% dedicated girlfriend. Makes sense but still a little bit weird.

 

[kasmanaft08]

The second reason is because of how loyal and trustworthy I am, so I feel like I deserve to get that back. I can kinda see how this is justified. If I'm a 100% dedicated boyfriend then I want a 100% dedicated girlfriend. Makes sense but still a little bit weird.

That's sort of my logic with partners who cheat, or flirt or such. I expect a partner to have the same values and honesty in that sense, and if I'm not matched, I don't see much of the point- that's just a weird argument waiting to happen on either side.

As far as taking back someone who would cheat- there are plenty of people who do the "open relationship" thing, and if i'm not comfortable with it- I don't see why I have to make myself tolerate it. Some of it is actually irrational-insecurities.... I don't like boyfriends mentioning their exes (unless it's negative). I won't get mad at it (usually) but I do get really bothered and can easily obsess over it. I'm not saying they can never mention anything, it just depends on context I suppose. I just read into things and get insecure sometimes.

I suppose I am a bit possessive. It can be irrational and a little weird/old fashioned, but I don't think I'm controlling or dramatic about it the way some people can be. I'll completely admit when something is irrational or explain exactly what I'm thinking- even if it's not a flattering thought. I think it's worse to try to suppress or hide it.

 

[ladydragon]

I am very much the same as this. It was part of why my exhusband left me, actually it is the very main reason I think. And since my divorce I have been out with about 3 men and everytime I think I start some of this very soon in the relationship partly because I am still kind of living in my marriage (if that makes any sense). Its like intellectually I know I am divorced and the new guy who comes into my life isn't my exhusband, but I end up treating them as if they are the same person as my exhusband and so I start feeling possessive of them right as soon as I start having feelings for them which is often to soon, then I get dumped for being to intense or something. So I currently have not gone out with anyone for 2 years because I am trying to figure out how not to do that. :wtf:

 

[apassingword]

I do have this problem but I tend to tell my partner outright. That, and I try to give them trust and know that they wont' do anything to hurt me. However if they did, we'd be over no questions. and I would possible do something irrational. I like having solid communication and telling my partner how I feel WITH OUT trying to control their actions or what they do with their body. "you can do this or whatever you want, but it will hurt me and complicate the relationship."

recently the girl I was dating I think wanted polyamory and I wasn't into it so we broke up. I don't even know where to begin on that, she thought it was acceptable and not cheating and that it wouldn't hurt me for to sleep with and hit on every girl she saw. yeah that isn't going to make me feel inadequate or jealous at all. I'm not the type just to think "oh my girl friend kissed a girl that's so sexy." no...that's just going to hurt me.she even wanted us to have a threesome with another girl...I'm just not the type to find that interesting.

and she ended up feeling tied down and losing interest in me because I couldn't see her with anyone else while she was dating anyways, but I'll see it anyways now. (**** yeah jealousy is a *****...a nasty cruel *****.)

what's kind of funny now that I think about we both had our own problems hers were drugs and alcohol, while mine were my codependent feelings for her and how I wanted her to be the source of all my happiness which just isn't going to work and going to end badly every time. that and she mean't a lot more so I was the one of the least interest therefore she had the power in the relationship. and, chose where it was going. and its dead, in a blender burned and its ashes are threw into the sea. XD

@ladydragon, I'm kind of doing the same thing I think...its weird.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

It is not very cool to blame this all on having Asperger;'s. You don't trust him because either he is unable to be trusted and you feel this about him for a good reason (in which case find someone you can trust) or you are simply being unreasonable about this guy and you have to sort your **** out.

It is not Asperger's Syndrome that makes you jealous. You are jealous because you are jealous. The person who needs to control this is you.

You know if you fight with him all the time over this and then panic that he does not love you, it may well be self fulfilling prophecy. I sure as hell would not want to be with a woman carrying on like that.

Hope this helps.

Yeah I agree. I trust my husband completely and I have no doubts so I can tolerate him talking to other women. I usually feel a twinge of jealousy when he does but I get over it because I know I can trust him without question. I think that's instinctive and reasonable but its the acting on it or obsessing part that is your down fall.

Asperger's people can be obsessed with things ... for instance I'm obsessed with weight loss and exercise at the moment. But usually this is not part of it. If you trust your partner then there is no reason to obsess.

Is it natural to think of another woman perhaps moving in on your territory? I think so, even if your man has a quick conversation. But is it a lack of trust if you do more than let this being a passing thought? Probably that is more likely the answer than asperger's syndrome.

Another thought is have you been screwed over in the past enough times to make you hesitate to trust? Is that really your partner's fault? not really. Does that mean you shouldn't learn to trust? absolutely not. Not everyone in this world will screw you over.

 

[Kelly]

Yeah I agree. I trust my husband completely and I have no doubts so I can tolerate him talking to other women. I usually feel a twinge of jealousy when he does but I get over it because I know I can trust him without question. I think that's instinctive and reasonable but its the acting on it or obsessing part that is your down fall.

This is similar to me, I trust my husband 100% it' s a good thing too because I know there are a few of the mums at school who fancy him, I think they are mainly attracted to him because he's such a good dad and their ex-husband's are all losers. There is one mum in particular who barely acknowledges my existence but used to go all gooey eyed when he was around (this was when she first split up with her hubby) I saw her with the exact same look staring at another devoted dad (and then eventually flirting with him, at one point we wondered if there was more to it). One of the other dad's who talks to my husband when he's at school (it's usually his wife picking the kids up) was saying how this one mum (the one I mentioned who used to go all schoolgirl crush style around my husband) was drunk at a charity disco and was flirting with him alot and he said she was all over him only that he wasn't up for it nothing happened (shocking really because she is supposedly best friends with his wife).

There was another mum who got divorced and she started getting very chatty with him and I witnessed her being flirty but he was totally oblivious to it. I know he'd never do anything though same for me I'd never cheat on him, why would I he's perfect and I love him and he says he feels the same about me.

 

[Animal_Girl]

I have a few jealous/possessive tendencies over the people I'm close to, but I don't think it has anything to do with Asperger's. Those feelings started after I found out one of my partners was cheating on me and eventually left me for the other woman.