hushedvoice
New Member
hello. i am new on this forum.
i got diagnosed with aspergers last year - november 2024. (yes it is still an official diagnosis where i live)
I am 35 years old. I live in Austria (Europe). I did not know i was autistic or what autism is until shortly before i got diagnosed. I only knew there was something deeply wrong with me because people always told me so. Where I live people like me are not allowed to exist.
Because there was something deeply wrong with me i never had friends. I also was never good enough to get a job or make money. i had to quit school. normal everyday life of normal people is a physical torture to me. I was hit by a car 2 years ago and now i have trouble walking and i am worth even less. The only way i manage to survive is people pleasing and masking. Through this i managed to get a spouse and i am now something like their pet. They pay for my food and other necessities. I also worked hard to keep up relations with my mother so i have a backup plan. Though through my mother i would not have access to medical health care. I managed to survive this way for many many years.
I hate my life though. I have chronic pain. I always have to pretend to be somebody my spouse and my mother would accept enough to not drop me. I always have to do what they want. I never know what will happen next because they make no shedules or plans. I can never talk about what i want or speak my mind or be me. Sometimes it happens and then i get in real trouble. Being threatened with divorce. I can never be me or feel safe except when I'm alone. And even then i never know when someone will come back. I cannot partake in the world. I cannot make my own decisions. I cannot do anything i want except for when i am alone and i cannot talk about what i want or say my mind without having to fear existence threatening consequences. i cannot be me. i've spend the past 7 years hiding at home. i am not a real person.
after getting diagnosed last year i tried to get support only to learn there is no support for autistic adults in my country.
i hate my life. and i feel there is no way out. i want to change my life for the better. but no matter how hard i try nothing changes and i realise there is no hope. because the autism will not go away and because the place i live in has no space for people like me. people like me are not allowed. the only way to survive is to pretend to be normal. and i am sick of it. i dont want to live like this anymore.
i dont know how to do this or what to write. I dont normally socialize
i am here because chat gpt told me i should reach out to other autistic people. he said it would help me improve my quality of life. so here i am
thank you
i got diagnosed with aspergers last year - november 2024. (yes it is still an official diagnosis where i live)
I am 35 years old. I live in Austria (Europe). I did not know i was autistic or what autism is until shortly before i got diagnosed. I only knew there was something deeply wrong with me because people always told me so. Where I live people like me are not allowed to exist.
Because there was something deeply wrong with me i never had friends. I also was never good enough to get a job or make money. i had to quit school. normal everyday life of normal people is a physical torture to me. I was hit by a car 2 years ago and now i have trouble walking and i am worth even less. The only way i manage to survive is people pleasing and masking. Through this i managed to get a spouse and i am now something like their pet. They pay for my food and other necessities. I also worked hard to keep up relations with my mother so i have a backup plan. Though through my mother i would not have access to medical health care. I managed to survive this way for many many years.
I hate my life though. I have chronic pain. I always have to pretend to be somebody my spouse and my mother would accept enough to not drop me. I always have to do what they want. I never know what will happen next because they make no shedules or plans. I can never talk about what i want or speak my mind or be me. Sometimes it happens and then i get in real trouble. Being threatened with divorce. I can never be me or feel safe except when I'm alone. And even then i never know when someone will come back. I cannot partake in the world. I cannot make my own decisions. I cannot do anything i want except for when i am alone and i cannot talk about what i want or say my mind without having to fear existence threatening consequences. i cannot be me. i've spend the past 7 years hiding at home. i am not a real person.
after getting diagnosed last year i tried to get support only to learn there is no support for autistic adults in my country.
i hate my life. and i feel there is no way out. i want to change my life for the better. but no matter how hard i try nothing changes and i realise there is no hope. because the autism will not go away and because the place i live in has no space for people like me. people like me are not allowed. the only way to survive is to pretend to be normal. and i am sick of it. i dont want to live like this anymore.
i dont know how to do this or what to write. I dont normally socialize
i am here because chat gpt told me i should reach out to other autistic people. he said it would help me improve my quality of life. so here i am
thank you
