Intimacy, what is it?

[ravendragonwing]

What is intimacy? Not the physical kind, but the kind that is needed for a romantic relationship to grow. I have dated many guys, but they all fail because I fail at this intimacy thing.

 

[Loomis]

I was married 22 years to a NT. It worked really really well for the first half. I am the typical, logical, non-empathetic aspie. My wife was the opposite the kind of person who operates on feelings and emotions. We respected each other and had the same interests. We were compliments to each other as long as we were partners. I gave her an emotional intimacy that I myself did not need and that was not easy for me to give. I listened to her when she talked about stuff that was important to her. She would tell me her problems and I would give her encouragement and support. I would tell her she was beautiful, which was true. I would tell her she was smart and she was, but in a different way than me. I am good at math and science but have only modest writing skills. She was a brilliant writer. She would always ask me to read the stuff she wrote for school. Usually I did not really want to, but I did it anyway because she asked me to. I always tried to make her feel that I would be there for her when she needed me whether it was to change a flat tire or to listen to how she felt she had been mistreated. Emotional intimacy is putting the other person first, figuring out what their needs are and doing what you can to help them get their emotional needs met. It is sharing in their experiences whether they are good or bad and it is about communicating with them. It helps a lot if you are interested in the same things. We both liked going to the theatre (stage plays) and music concerts.

I hope that helps. These are not things that come naturally to aspies. I spent a lot of time listening to her talk when I did not want to. Now, I am telling you what an aspie man does to give emotional intimacy to a NT woman. I know NT men are different from NT woman and I think they need less of the listening from their women and more of a sense that their woman is doing what she can to understand him and help him. It also helps to know what upsets him and to try to refrain from doing things to upset him. You need to be doing it because you love him; it should never feel like you need to walk on eggshells.

I suspect a NT man would want a woman to do and say things that make him feel he is a good man, that he is succeeding at his goals whatever they may be. I think a NT man wants his partner to help him do those things that are important to him.

 

[sixpakal]

I've always seen intimacy as knowing in great detail about someone else. As a person, I have things that I'll let anybody know, things that I'll only let friends know, things that I'll only let family know, and things that I'll only share with someone I am intimately connected to. I searched for a definition online, and I believe this best backs up what I'm trying to say:

"Intimacy is about being emotionally close to your partner, about being able to let your guard down, and let him or her know how you
really feel. Intimacy is also about being able to accept and share in your partner's feelings, about being there when he/she wants to
let their defences down.

To be able to share our 'inner-world' with a partner we love, and to be able to share our partner's experiences, is one of the most
rewarding aspects of a relationship."

To be intimate with someone is to know all about them. As an aspie though, the lack of empathy has made this really hard for me. Needless to say it doesn't come natural, so I basically just open up and hide nothing. I don't produce any "fronts" in relationships and share all that my partner wants of me, and this usually works. I figure if my partner wants to be emotionally intimate with me, then what is important to me must be important to her. I dunno... what works for me might not work for everyone.

 

[killakev79]

ok ... my issue is ... there isn't actually anyone in my life that knows the real me ... that is ... the person I'm able to be when I'm completely alone ... the second you add another person to the mix I become like ... a projection of who I feel people want me to be ... this is all inclusive ... friends family everyone I know in the physical world has one idea of me ... there are people online half a world away that know 'me' more than those that have known me my whole life ... my question is ... how does one have an authentic relationship like that? I'm not the typical logical aspie ... my existence is a constant stream of emotional energy ... one that I find myself taken over by as soon as others are around me ... the first thing people will probably advise is conditioning ... but I've lived an NT lifestyle, I worked, I maintained friendships, I dated ... but at no point did that falseness drop away ... now I find myself not incapable ... but perhaps unwilling to live that inauthentic life anymore ... I've seen psychologists and spent a good 15 years working with meditation and hypnotherapy, among many other natural healing therapies ... so trust me when I say I know all the theory on it, but how do you actually put it into practice for the aspie mind? how do I live an authentic life if I can't have people around me?