Hi my name is Coll and I have been in love and with someone who has Aspergers for 7 years. I have PTSD/Depression/Anxiety so you can imagine how difficult it can be for us to relate to one another. I am also an alcoholic in recovery...I think my partner is also an alcoholic not in recovery...I believe it is a form of self-medicating.
I've done years of therapy work on myself and in AA for a number of years and feel that for the most part unless I stop taking care of myself I am pretty healthy. I stopped going to AA for about a year and begin to drink again on a few occasions nothing bad happened. Then I recently relapsed and I ended up making a suicide attempt under the influence I seriously don't believe I would do something like that otherwise.
Prior to my relapse and suicide attempt my love and I had both been going through extreme pressure with our jobs, finances and life changes with all of our kids leaving the nest ect. He had been going through more pressure at work and for a longer period of time. He started to drink first again he had stopped to support me in my efforts to be sober not because he recognized he may also have a problem.
The above is just a bit of recent background information. The problem we have is we can not talk about anything difficult without him taking it as a personal attack he even views it that I am yelling at him. I will admit in the beginning of our relationship before we knew he had Aspergers we would both yell during an argument he would shut down and start rocking. I realized then I couldn't yell at him anymore and really made efforts not to raise my voice. The only time I do that is when he is yelling at me I may yell back.
He has gone to a few therapy sessions with me they all recommended he get counseling himself which he has never done his excuse is he never has the time. A few people have seen these interactions when I am trying to tell him how I feel about something he did and how he reacts by getting furious and yelling at me and then claiming I was yelling at him first. Two therapists witnessed this, my parents, and my daughter and her boyfriend. He sees it as I am attacking him when I am only trying to tell him how his actions hurt me. These actions are usually unintentional but they have merit they are not just some small issue that I am bringing up. I admit I have an emotional reaction to his unintentional actions. In the beginning I broke up with him a lot because I didn't understand his condition.
When I try to talk to him he gets angry tells me I am mean, evil, horrible and he hates me during these times and then breaks up with me. Unless I admit EVERYTHING is my fault we don't get back together and I have done this over and over because these blow ups happen only about once a year and obviously I love him. He can be a very sweet man and a gentleman too. But for a majority of the time I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. He is usually depressed and has high anxiety. I'm always trying to make things better for him or easier on him and I lose myself trying to care for him. I also get exhausted trying to make him happy or content.
I don't want to lose him but this last time that he broke up with me he really did start the argument and he threw my suicide attempt in my face in a very hurtful manner. I had an emotional reaction and told him that maybe just maybe he may have drove me to it. While there may have been a grain of truth to it because that day he had yelled at me and called me horrible names again I felt broken and that I was all those things he said I was. It was my decision to drink and like I said the attempt wouldn't have happened unless I was under the influence.
Currently we are still broke up and I moved out. Is there any hope for us? Please anyone who has advice I am willing to hear what you have to say.
Thank you,
Coll
I've done years of therapy work on myself and in AA for a number of years and feel that for the most part unless I stop taking care of myself I am pretty healthy. I stopped going to AA for about a year and begin to drink again on a few occasions nothing bad happened. Then I recently relapsed and I ended up making a suicide attempt under the influence I seriously don't believe I would do something like that otherwise.
Prior to my relapse and suicide attempt my love and I had both been going through extreme pressure with our jobs, finances and life changes with all of our kids leaving the nest ect. He had been going through more pressure at work and for a longer period of time. He started to drink first again he had stopped to support me in my efforts to be sober not because he recognized he may also have a problem.
The above is just a bit of recent background information. The problem we have is we can not talk about anything difficult without him taking it as a personal attack he even views it that I am yelling at him. I will admit in the beginning of our relationship before we knew he had Aspergers we would both yell during an argument he would shut down and start rocking. I realized then I couldn't yell at him anymore and really made efforts not to raise my voice. The only time I do that is when he is yelling at me I may yell back.
He has gone to a few therapy sessions with me they all recommended he get counseling himself which he has never done his excuse is he never has the time. A few people have seen these interactions when I am trying to tell him how I feel about something he did and how he reacts by getting furious and yelling at me and then claiming I was yelling at him first. Two therapists witnessed this, my parents, and my daughter and her boyfriend. He sees it as I am attacking him when I am only trying to tell him how his actions hurt me. These actions are usually unintentional but they have merit they are not just some small issue that I am bringing up. I admit I have an emotional reaction to his unintentional actions. In the beginning I broke up with him a lot because I didn't understand his condition.
When I try to talk to him he gets angry tells me I am mean, evil, horrible and he hates me during these times and then breaks up with me. Unless I admit EVERYTHING is my fault we don't get back together and I have done this over and over because these blow ups happen only about once a year and obviously I love him. He can be a very sweet man and a gentleman too. But for a majority of the time I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. He is usually depressed and has high anxiety. I'm always trying to make things better for him or easier on him and I lose myself trying to care for him. I also get exhausted trying to make him happy or content.
I don't want to lose him but this last time that he broke up with me he really did start the argument and he threw my suicide attempt in my face in a very hurtful manner. I had an emotional reaction and told him that maybe just maybe he may have drove me to it. While there may have been a grain of truth to it because that day he had yelled at me and called me horrible names again I felt broken and that I was all those things he said I was. It was my decision to drink and like I said the attempt wouldn't have happened unless I was under the influence.
Currently we are still broke up and I moved out. Is there any hope for us? Please anyone who has advice I am willing to hear what you have to say.
Thank you,
Coll
