Impenetrable conversational membrane

[clackedions]

Hello. So just thinking about socialising and conversing with others... whereas I feel since early teens/adulthood that I have developed my once non-existent social skills to quite a great extent ie. the ability to 'flow' with coherence whilst conversing, the whole conversing experience tends to create the feeling in my head of drifting out of the room whilst I vocalise my 'well thought out' inner sentences to others. This only tends to happen when I feel like I actually 'want or need' to engage someone, for example, hanging out with friends, listening to what they have to say does not evoke any real need to involve myself in the conversation, making for awkward silences when I personally have nothing to say. Conversation is quite restricted to deep psychological analyses, occasional philosophical topics and music. Small talk and engaging other peoples interests feels like a bit of a chore.

What alleviates the feelings of awkwardness is how well I know the person, even well established friends give me the hot face and frantic darting eyes whilst in the conversational void. People who I don't get awkward around include family members or friends that I've known since birth. It can be deduced now that it takes a rather long time for me to get comfortable with someone unless they are very similar to me (don't mind filling gaps in socialising with sporadic noises and non-sensical yet "hilarious" strings of words..e.g. florrrgen spapitaff randanglidishhhhhhi...! foofoof).

But to go back to the point, any conversation I get into, unless I am intoxicated creates that distance from the moment, snapping back into it when I have finished vocalising and wait for the reply. Before all of my aspergers research, Id have never thought to articulate my feelings toward conversation this way, I have always assumed that I was just distant from everyone, occasionally stressing myself out to no end in the process of trying to force conversation and self development.

This could go on, I'l probably look over this later and think "sh** what are you talking about", I do however currently feel I've conveyed my point so time will tell.

 

[142857]

Let me be the first to tell you that you have conveyed your point very well, in a roundabout kind of way.

Do you get those moments where someone speaks to you and you just freeze and words don't come out? Or where, an hour or a day or whatever after someone tries to engage you in conversation, you realize that you were supposed to say more than just "hi" before walking off?

I wish that people didn't feel the need to be so judgemental of others based on their social skills or obvious lack thereof.

 

[clackedions]

I don't really freeze in normal conversation, maybe I used to, now its more like if someone is being a dick e.g. I had just wet my hair to style it and my housemate comes down when im in someones company and says "is it raining in your room?". I freeze there because I don't have an instant response to ridicule other than thinking "f*** off you absolute arsehole!". The other one, yes =) I used to alot. It manifests now in suddenly going "cool.." and walking away at a highly inappropriate time in a conversation for lack of anything to say and the panic that is involved in that =)