I'm jealous of the value NTs derive from "small talk"

[pelecanus87]

We all know that many aspies claim to hate small talk. But I wonder: what's really going on from a psychological perspective?

In truth, I'm actually kind of jealous of NTs who excel in idle conversation. It's like they've developed a special kind of vocabulary of platitudes and one-liners to discuss hundreds of topics in short-hand form. How exactly have they managed this? It often seems as though everyone but me is brilliant at condensing their ideas into these easily digestible sound-bytes. However, I think it may be more likely that a lot of it is just them repeating what they've heard others say.

Also, I've noticed that a lot of good comes from small talk. You gain wisdom, humor, friends, and develop your social skills. People say they find small talk "boring", but it usually only starts out as boring. I've seen small talk go in some pretty interesting directions fairly often. Despite believing this, I still can't do small talk. Rather than calling small talk "pointless", I would say the more accurate way of putting it is that small talk doesn't animate me. Even though I understand that small talk can be a bridge to some valuable and interesting things, my mind just shuts down and disengages when I hear some vapid commentary or boring platitude. It seems as though many NTs can derive real, actual mental stimulation from the prospect of engaging some person who has just uttered one of the most boring, unoriginal opinions ever. THAT is what I don't get. It seems much less accurate for me to say I think small talk is "boring" or "pointless". It's more about the fact that it literally seems to shut me down mentally or on a psychological level.

 

[SusanLR]

I don't feel jealous of what they get from small talk. It just seems rather pointless. I think it may be because my areas of interest are limited compared to a NT and different too. If I hear talk about what seems important to most NTs I am bored because it isn't of interest to me and can't relate. Usually if I meet someone with interests I relate to, I know it immediately and can talk on and on. But, what I call everyday things that interest NTs, just not into it. For me it's like I'd rather say nothing if I can't relate than have try to act interested or try to talk about something that isn't important to me.
If small talk is important to them, that is fine. I'm glad for them. I may not understand what's so relevent about a football game, but they probably wouldn't understand what's so wonderful about what a pulsar is either. To each his own.

 

[Bella Pines]

For me smalltalk analogous to driving a car to a familiar destination.

Numbing.

No neurons fire whatsoever. I can coast along on autopilot. It's familiar, needs no effort or engagement and I retain little memory of the occurance.

I'd bet this is the same for NTs. I bet if someone invented a portable MRI scanner and took a snapshot of someone's brain as they engaged in smalltalk, there would be minimal activity.

The only difference is that NTs are okay with that.

And even for hard-line aspies, smalltalk has a place. If I'm holding a meeting and want to start to time but there is an awkward two minutes to fill, I will talk about the weather. It's almost like reading from a script that says "of course I want to be here with you, let us interact for a short and limited amount of time". I might NOT want to be there, but that's not what the smalltalk message says. If I sit in silence (which I would be happy with), then the NTs would grow uncomfortable and that would adversely effect the consequent dialogue.

I don't enjoy smalltalk persay and assume some NTs do because they seem to frequently engage in the activity. But I wouldn't go so far to say I feel jealous. It is what it is and I'm happy that most humans have such simple pleasures.

 

[WereBear]

I'm not jealous at all; I found so many of such potential friendships would be riddled with boredom.

I am fine with the friends I have who share similar interests, and stimulating conversations.

 

[Mia]

Suspect that small talk is a front, during the banalities it gives people time to decide how to interact with the other person.

 

[WereBear]

Suspect that small talk is a front, during the banalities it gives people time to decide how to interact with the other person.

I'm sure you are right, I just have never seen the sense of making "mouth noises" when it could easily be just a tad larger and more interesting than small talk.

But then, many people are fearful of revealing themselves, lest they be exposed as somehow different or giving another an opening to leave them open to disparagement. It's a form of insecurity... not sticking up for one's own preferences.

 

[Thursday]

Hated it ever since. I survive by smiling and finding parts of the conversation I can be amused with, or bringing up something interesting that's small talk-adjacent.

It seems as though many NTs can derive real, actual mental stimulation from the prospect of engaging some person who has just uttered one of the most boring, unoriginal opinions ever. THAT is what I don't get. It seems much less accurate for me to say I think small talk is "boring" or "pointless". It's more about the fact that it literally seems to shut me down mentally or on a psychological level.

Maybe it's not the mental stimulation but the happy chemicals in their brain that see the conversation as bonding/closeness. For us, this is probably what we feel when we are able to truly engage in worthwhile conversation. I just see it as a mirrored path to the same thing rather than something we miss out on.

 

[Ambi]

We all know that many aspies claim to hate small talk. But I wonder: what's really going on from a psychological perspective?

In truth, I'm actually kind of jealous of NTs who excel in idle conversation. It's like they've developed a special kind of vocabulary of platitudes and one-liners to discuss hundreds of topics in short-hand form. How exactly have they managed this? It often seems as though everyone but me is brilliant at condensing their ideas into these easily digestible sound-bytes. However, I think it may be more likely that a lot of it is just them repeating what they've heard others say.

Also, I've noticed that a lot of good comes from small talk. You gain wisdom, humor, friends, and develop your social skills. People say they find small talk "boring", but it usually only starts out as boring. I've seen small talk go in some pretty interesting directions fairly often. Despite believing this, I still can't do small talk. Rather than calling small talk "pointless", I would say the more accurate way of putting it is that small talk doesn't animate me. Even though I understand that small talk can be a bridge to some valuable and interesting things, my mind just shuts down and disengages when I hear some vapid commentary or boring platitude. It seems as though many NTs can derive real, actual mental stimulation from the prospect of engaging some person who has just uttered one of the most boring, unoriginal opinions ever. THAT is what I don't get. It seems much less accurate for me to say I think small talk is "boring" or "pointless". It's more about the fact that it literally seems to shut me down mentally or on a psychological level.

I've mentioned this on a different thread, but "A Field Guide to Earthlings" was the most eye-opening book for me concerning the true purpose of small talk. It has little to nothing to do with what is actually being discussed. It's all about tribal dynamics, determining basic things (but to complex and nuanced degrees) like friend vs foe, same tribe vs. different tribe, friendly tribe vs. non-friendly tribe, social standing in tribe, social standing compared to you, etc. It's obviously far more complex than what happens with animals, because of the nature of info being passed along can be more complex, also the way in which the receiver decides to use it can be more complex. But what is unspoken is vastly more important than what is said during small talk. It's as though the actual talking is just a ritual - it's purpose is simply to allow for the unspoken exchange and analysis to occur.

 

[Jimbo]

It's always boggled me. I see some guys yuckin it up over sports or hunting and I can't for the life of me figure out how they know what to say. It's almost like they are communicating telepathicly or something.

 

[Keigan]

I know that small talk is important though I've never understood HOW, until yesterday as I watched the US Open golf tournament with friends. I actually enjoyed watching because my friend was teaching me the terminology and I enjoyed watching the players react to the ever changing play. Maybe, it is a moment of special interest that I can actually share with others as small talk. I know I have to express emotion to make that connection, I know I can express excitement on this topic.

 

[savi83]

The way I perceive small talk to be be is like a way of weighing someone up.

During small talk people discover whether they share similar interests, read body language and get a feel for the person that they are engaging with.

It's weird how sometimes a common interest such as supporting the same football team can breakdown barriers and strengthen a relationship as they have a common ground.

I would love to be able to make good small talk and feel at a disadvantage by not being good at it.

 

[pelecanus87]

Another thing small talk helps you achieve is likability and thus, POWER.

I suspect that many aspies just aren't wired to see things in these terms, and thus, are not motivated by the potential power-grab that can result from small talk the way many NTs are.

A message that I always took to heart was to (try to) never be phony or fake. For me, part of that meant not kissing ass or worrying about your likability. I've come to realize that more social-savvy people understand the power that comes with having allies. And they are motivated to achieve th

Interesting example: My mother has repeatedly lectured me on the problem of not being social with co-workers. She's even stated 'that's how you get people on your side if you ever have a problem'. She says all this while seemingly thinking in purely practical (not theoretical or psychological) terms. It seems NTs just seem to internalize these lessons of social power naturally. I had to learn the hard way. And I still can't change, lol.

It's always boggled me. I see some guys yuckin it up over sports or hunting and I can't for the life of me figure out how they know what to say. It's almost like they are communicating telepathicly or something.

Right?! It's like they're following a script! I can only suspect that somehow it's a combination of years of practice coupled with a mind that actually places value (and thus is more likely to remember and replicate)on these inane quips that make up NT small talk.