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I'm at a loss of what to do next..........Help!

G

Grumpy Cat

Well-Known Member
Long story short, I was in a college algebra class and had to email my instructor several questions. He answered all my questions sometimes within 5 min, at any hour (including 1,2 or 3 am. I can't explain why, but I felt some sort of attraction to him right away. After analyzing why, I came to the conclusion that it was because he reminded me of myself - single, smart, funny (in a different way), considerate and especially shy. I don't know why, but I was able to tell him anything in my emails like I had known him for 20 yrs. In class, he actually smiled at me a lot, would answer things in class that were directed to me and my emails (including a joke - that he had to explain of course - that he wrote on the board because I had asked in an email if he could tell more jokes in class). I especially took note to his attentiveness with all of my crazy questions (sometimes 10 -15 a day) that he would answer promptly and the way he would always be avail to answer my questions especially before tests at any hour (he knew I was very anxious before the tests). He very rarely answered anything personal on these emails (which I thought was because he was my instructor). In class, we each had a hard time talking with each other or looking at each other for very long. (Oh, during the class I ended up sending him a total of 224 emails.) Anyway, after the final, I sent him another email asking him if he would like to go out for coffee. He never answered that question. I kept emailing him all my usual stuff (I'm big into world news and economy) saying it was hard for me to just stop emailing him all of a sudden and even asked him if he still wanted to receive my emails. He sent an email back regarding the article I had sent which let me know that he didn't mind still getting my emails. Now, a month after class is over, I'm still emailing him about once a day and in one email I ventured to ask him what his interests are after listing some of my own. He never answered that question either. (One thing, with all the emails he has received from me, he knows ALOT about me as I don't really have anything to hide.) Why is he not answering any personal questions? Someone at work said he may have Asperger's (I could tell that he was a genius in math) and after I looked it up, he does have a lot of the signs. I just don't know what to do with someone who will not answer any of my questions. I even told him that "I'm interested in getting to know the people I like talking to and if they don't answer I feel like I'm having a conversation with myself". The thing is, after reading about Asperger's, I know I have some of the same tendencies so I can kind of put myself in his place on how he is thinking. I wish he would just come out and tell me if he was not interested because I'm feeling like I'm being strung along and I'm beginning to not like it. I usually don't put myself out for just anyone, but I have seen some good qualities in him and didn't want to just give up on him if he is unsure of what to say. Also, he is 10 yrs younger than me if that makes a difference. I don't look like my age though. Actually, it's strange, but we look alike and act alike personality-wise. And he lives right down the street from me. Huh. Someone, please tell me what I should do. I don't want a good thing to go to waste. (That story wasn't too short, was it?)
 
I think the most likely scenario is that he likes you, but he is afraid he would get in trouble (and maybe even lose his job) if he started dating a student, or even a former student.
 
Tell him: Look, if you don't answer, then you will have only yourself to blame if you are left out, to watch everybody else slow-dancing, lovey-dovey, kissy-kissy to celebrate the new year at midnight.

You're a winner for a lifetime, if you seize that one moment in time. Make it shine.

While you see the chance, take it, to find romance.
 
Hmm, I think it's far more likely he doesn't want to get into trouble with his job. He could loose his career because of getting entangled with a student (even an ex one might raise eyebrows)

But, looks like you don't want to hear that? If you continue to not hear anything back, them try and stay a little Objective and consider his pov perhaps??
 
Wasn't there a duplicate of this thread? I believe I posted to that one, but I guess they haven't been merged. In any case, I said this:

Well, I can't tell you what you should do, but please proceed with caution. You have a professional relationship with him already, as a student, and you'll have to make sure not to mix that up with any personal relationship you've cultivated.
Click to expand...

As Ste11aeres and Tarragon have said, getting too personal with a teacher can create all sorts of problems, and regardless of the outcome, you should keep that in mind.
 
I did give him several times to let me know if he didn't want to still keep getting any emails from me, but he never said anything and just sent a few emails in between. I also did consider that he might feel uncomfortable especially where his job was concerned. I would have appreciated if he just came out and told me and I would have totally respected that. I just didn't feel comfortable sending him emails and not getting any response at all even to questions that anyone else would have had no problem answering. This last email I sent was actually a nice one stating why it had to be my last, how much I appreciated everything he did to help me in class, that I would miss him and to take care of himself. He has my email and home number if he wants to contact me again. He will never be completely cut off by me, but he has to let me know that he wants a friendship/relationship. It appears he isn't ready yet to say what he wants. It takes two people to make any friendship/relationship work.
 
Angie, as long as you are technically a student within the institution he teaches at, I'd think he's ethically obligated to say nothing to you outside the realm of class material.

Beyond that point in time, as a consenting adult he'll either contact you are not. If he doesn't, I think you have to respect his decision and simply move on.
 
*Pulls up a chair* Sorry I'm late to the party here (And that I have no real words of wisdom that could be of any use to the situation) but I'm keen to know if there have been any developments in this story since the thread was last posted in.
 
If you know where he lives and works, I suggest cutting e-mail out of the situation entirely.
 
Find out his office hours and meet him in person to talk it out. He probably doesn't want to leave an email trail where he could lose his job.
 
Everyone, it's over. I gave him my telephone # and he can call me if he wants. I had sent a few more emails after the class was over and he didn't respond. I understand that he was my professor and it probably isn't in his best interest to get in touch with me because of his job. I don't blame him for that. That said, I'm not going to pursue him anymore. I'm not desperate. He knows I was interested in getting to know him more and the ball was left in his court. Should he contact me, I would still be interested in going out with him. Don't take this the wrong way (those of you whose mind might enter into the gutter at times), but for him the door is always open - unless I am with someone else. He is a wonderful person and really did help me get through that class, which I will never forget. We just met in unfortunate circumstances.
 
I'm in shock. I just found out some information about my algebra professor. I read on the internet a teacher rating about him from a past student. In the rating, this student said how they found out information on my algebra professor from another student who knew him from their "night life." This student said that the other student even gave them a flyer to a "rave". There was also a name the student wrote in the rating that my algebra teacher supposedly goes by on facebook. I know the name because it is listed on his twitter account as well. I looked up the info on facebook and found more than I bargained for. Evidently my algebra professor has a whole different life. He has a photography company under this name listed in the review. I wouldn't really think a lot about it until I saw some of the pictures. Some were pornographic in nature. No wonder he didn't want to go out with me. I couldn't hold a candle to those women in the pictures! I still can't believe it. I am such a bad judge of character. No one is who you think they are. This is why I don't trust anyone. If it was a legitimate photography company, he wouldn't have to use that fake name he goes under. I could have went out with that creep! I am so sick of people hiding behind stuff. If a person has to hide behind a fake name, then they're doing something wrong! I'm tired of people having secrets. I'm such a fool. I still can't believe it.
 
If I read the dates on your original post correctly, this guy and your desire to post about him might have pushed you to join AC. That was a good thing, wasn't it?
 
I'm sorry - I can't help playing devil's advocate here... I hope that's ok.

You said he was 10 years younger than you, if the implication is that the professor goes to nightclubs occasionally, is that really that bad? And I do me if this is the implication, my thinking is just because the student goes to raves and knows the professor from his/her "nightlife" doesn't imply the professor goes to raves too, people don't who go to raves don't tend to do so exclusively - and also I am assuming the other student would also only have to see the professor once unexpectedly at a nightclub for it to be gossip worthy.

A pseudonym could also make sense for a professor to separate/compartmentalise a photography business from their colleague career, even an above board one. I am trying to get into the business myself publishing some works (100% family friendly) and I am using a pseudonym just because I am a private person and a having a pseudonym is easier than forming a company with its own name and dealing with all the extra complication that would come with that, while still supporting me to claim copyright on my work.

Maybe between this and being your teacher, it does further explain why he couldn't pursue a relationship with you though. And maybe it's for the best to end this more finally given it doesn't seem like he will contact you.

Whatever you decide, I don't think you should question whether he found you attractive, I thought that your earlier posts suggested that he did and until you have an actual suggestion suggesting otherwise I don't think you should let yourself be hurt by the existence of pornographic photos. You should not let this guy hurt your self esteem, especial if he is actually creep, but also because it's doubtful to me that the photos change what someone might have thought of you.
 
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I'm finding out a wealth of information. He did (or does) go to raves, which wouldn't bother me except for that raves are well known for their secret meetings and drug use. I saw a picture of him at one of these raves. I also believe that he is probably gay. I found a picture of him with another guy hanging on him. If I get anything out of this, it's that you never know a person just by looking at them. For those of you reading this, I would add that before you get into a serious relationship with anyone and definitely before you marry someone, be sure to do a background check with a professional. That way you can avoid any surprises and heartbreaks later on. I was a little too "open" with him and confided a lot of information. That is one regret that I have now.
 
Doesn't sound like you really "lost" anything from the experience. But you gained some insight that you didn't have before. I can see you'll use it to your advantage the next time around. Just don't beat yourself up over what you didn't know.

The "love of my life" I lost many years ago has been married three times since she dumped me. Could I have seen that coming? Probably not. No insight for me, just a little hindsight.

Hang in there...and make lemonade out of those lemons.
 
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