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If you love someone, what would make you push them away?

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PetraTAYLOR

Active Member
I thought I’d Pose the question above as this is what my HFA man seems to do (assuming of course, he loves me but that’s another thread!).

Thoughts?
 
Actually push them away or give the impression of pushing them away (possibly by accident)?
 
I would push them away if (assuming it's not physically pushing them):
- I was going through something tough eg. mental illness like eating disorder, depression etc. I'd do this because I'd want some time alone to be caught up in my misery :confused: or I don't want them to worry or get upset about my troubles
- They were being too pushy or forceful and intrusive
- They annoy me
- They don't respect my opinions or beliefs

(This is just in my opinion and for me- I'm not sure about your situation) :)
 
I don't know what you are defining as pushing away. This could be a response that hasn't got anything to do with you or the relationship and an inability to ask for support or to know what kind of support he needs, or a need to be alone to cope. It may not be deliberate and he may have no idea this is how you perceive it.

Depression can result in a noticeable withdrawing from people the individual is normally close to and so can losing interest in a relationship but not having fully comprehended that or not knowing how to communicate that or what to do next.

He could be overwhelmed/exhausted/burnt out.

I think there are too many possibilities and you will just have to ask him.
 
If can define "pushing away" as being distant, then, from my experience, he just has to continue existing and I'll find some reason. :rolleyes:

This thread reminded me how glad I am that I haven't dated in almost five years! :D
 
People may think I’m pushing them away when I just don’t want to do what they want to do.
I don’t want to go to a movie, the mall, a bar or a BBQ. I’m not pushing them away, I just don’t enjoy stupid stuff.
If they don’t understand that then....
 
I would probably push someone away if the relationship were fairly new and saw red flags that indicate
it isn't going to work. An attempt to prevent hurt before it gets too far out of hand.

Same if wanting to end a relationship. I will do things I know will annoy them.

Also if I am just miserable over something and want time alone and really don't want to talk about
it. If they start wanting to know what's wrong or expect me to be happy when I'm not.
To just tell them I want to be alone right now usually incites a sense of pushing them away that they
don't understand.
 
Not sure how you are defining 'pushing away'...

If you mean being distant for short periods of time then it would probably be due to social burnout (i.e. being too stressed and exhausted to interact with anyone no matter how much I love them), or possibly some negative feelings (e.g. annoyance, hurt) caused by/in response to the person which I needed some time to process before addressing it with them. Actually, another likely situation is that I was simply too absent minded to realise I was being distant at all. I get distracted by special interests and forget to interact with people sometimes.

If you mean permanently removing myself from a relationship by either active (having a conversation to end the relationship) or passive (ghosting) means, then if I still loved them it would be because I had realised that the relationship was in some way unhealthy for me. I don't believe that "all you need is love", no amount of love is going to make an unhealthy or unhappy relationship magically good.

The only situation I could envision where I physically pushed someone away was if they were assaulting me, or not respecting my request for physical space.
 
Bronzelincolns said:
How is he pushing you away?
Click to expand...
We used to see each other most days. He would call everyday. Now he’s busy (which he is) but he doesn’t bother to contact me to say hello. It’s been 3-4 weeks now and I’ve seen him twice properly. I have various thoughts on why he is being like this, but have a tendency to always think the worse. Friends and family think the opposite and that he does love me etc.

Before you ask, I have asked him. He will not answer about his feelings.
 
I push people away because I don't want to show them my vulnerability.
When a relationship comes to a certain level intimacy arises and with it many fears pop up.
 
Things people do that can push me away from them:
  • Constant negativity and complaining
  • Refusal to take some responsibility for their lives
  • Inability to talk about anything other than a certain topic
  • Ignoring my clearly set boundaries
  • Mean & manipulative behavior
 
When someone NEEDS me, it scares me and I withdraw. I’m not good at meeting other people’s needs, especially emotional needs, so I will ignore them.
Physical needs are ok, like giving a massage, feeding, monitoring medications...these I can do for a few weeks but it’s still exhausting.
If someone needs some kind of emotional closeness that I’m not already giving naturally, I don’t know how to do that and I hate to let someone down or not fill their needs so it’s just too overwhelming to deal with it.
If I’m sitting in a room with someone then it counts as spending together but I’ve been told it doesn’t count if we aren’t sharing deep personal feelings.
I don’t do deep personal feelings. I just want to watch a movie, groom the dog or Google interesting things.
Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t know how he feels or can’t express his feelings. This is something that is fairly common with some of us on the spectrum.
 
PetraTAYLOR said:
Good point. Both?
Click to expand...

Things I do that have given the impression of pushing away but were not:

Taking time alone to recharge from the stresses of the world;
Being unable to find words to communicate things;
Not properly understanding partner's communication to me and as a result not responding in an expected/acceptable-to-them/appropriate-to-the-situation way.
(There are probably many, many more things, I just don't know what they are.)

Reasons I would push someone away on purpose:

Feel suffocated and controlled;
Feel frightened and unsafe;
Feel hurt and disrespected/silenced;
Uncertain about the relationship - something wrong -- need to process it;
Don't want to be in a relationship with the person anymore for whatever reason.
 
Last edited:
PetraTAYLOR said:
We used to see each other most days. He would call everyday. Now he’s busy (which he is) but he doesn’t bother to contact me to say hello. It’s been 3-4 weeks now and I’ve seen him twice properly. I have various thoughts on why he is being like this, but have a tendency to always think the worse. Friends and family think the opposite and that he does love me etc.

Before you ask, I have asked him. He will not answer about his feelings.
Click to expand...

how long have you been seeing each other?
 
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