I told my dad everything I've kept inside. Why does it hurt?

[Reedstorm17]

Today, I was going to my horseback riding lesson, and in the car, my dad told me that they're considering switching my instructor for the next two years before I go to college because of my "inability to speak to my instructor." That my parents and my instructor think it's best. He said if I didn't talk to my instructor during my lesson today, then my instructor was going to get changed.

The thing is, I desperately want to be able to talk to my instructor. But it's just so hard. I can't say most things unprompted. And when I know what to say, I don't know when to say it. But no one seems to understand.

My dad said I need to learn how to connect with people, because when I go off to college, my roommate and friends will think I don't like them if I don't express interest in their lives. And I'm just so tired of it. I try so hard to do these things I'm supposed to do, but I can never get it right. It's taking a huge toll on my mental health, thinking about all the pain I cause other people because I'm so terrible at expressing things, and I just can't do it anymore.

On the way home, I finally broke down and told my dad what I've felt inside for more than I year now. I told him that I don't want to change. That whenever I try to be who everyone else wants me to be, I feel fake. That I don't want to be fake. That I just want to exist, to be somebody, to be me, and not have to shape myself into "who I'm supposed to be." That trying to improve myself has caused me to forget who I really am inside, has caused everything to get all mixed up to the point where I can't recognize who I really am.

I realized all of this a year ago, when I caught sight of my real self, caged somewhere deep inside, struggling to show itself again. I didn't say anything about it then. I just grabbed onto my real self, took it out of the cage, brought it within reach. All year, I have been finding a way to bring myself back.

But I can't keep faking myself. And when I told my dad this, he was very hurt by it. He talked about how he was now questioning whether he's done the right thing for me all these years.

Why does it hurt so much? To know that I basically just told my dad that he and my mom did everything wrong? The worst part is that I'm not completely sure that I didn't mean it. I suddenly feel so free now that I've said it.

But they did everything right, so how could they have done everything wrong? All they wanted was to give me a chance in life. Where would I be without them? They could decided right from the start, after my diagnosis fourteen years ago, that I was a lost cause. They could have just given up on me then, let me do whatever I wanted. But they didn't. Instead, they did everything they could to make sure I learned essential social skills. To show me how I needed to act in society. And while I'm so grateful for it, so lucky, I also hate them for it. Because there are still some things I just can't do, and trying just makes me want to turn on myself.

It's not like I want to undo all these years of therapy. I just don't want to keep going. I just want to keep things where they are now. I've made these barriers between myself and society a lot flimsier over the course of my life, but they are never going to break, and I just want people to accept that.

Why does it have to hurt so much to tell my parents this? The last thing I ever want to do is cause them pain. Yet, sonehow, inevitably, cauing others pain is what I always do.

 

[mw2530]

It is not your fault or your parents. Like every other problem in the world, every one is a little bit guilty for not understanding ASD. Teaching social skills to those with ASD generally fails unless other underlying issues are dealt with. Aspergersexperts.com is a good resource. Someone who has aspergers provides knowledge about the condition and the underlying causes and provides solutions. It is for both parents and for those with aspergers. I've learned some things and although some of their products cost money, the money was well spent when compared to going to see a therapist for me. I went to college and didn't fit in with most people. But did find a group of friends through my main interests. Some people today probably don't like me, most don't understand, but I care less and less about others opinions as I get older. I still have plenty of problems and it has been a tough road, but I have hope things will improve with time. Don't let ASD get in the way of your dreams and goals. Don't be fake. Easier said than done, as I still am often fake in social situations to a certain extent. Being fake is the death of those with ASD.

 

[Mia]

But you were speaking the truth for yourself, it is your truth. It may cause others pain, for a time, they will get used to knowing how and why you are you. That's important that you get to say what you really think and feel. Only in that way will they begin to understand and work with you in a way that suits your needs.
Realize that they want you to fit into the world, but they can only imagine what they know and understand. And not everyone you meet will be hurt by your not communicating with them. If they understand that you don't do that. Maybe there can be a little of what they want, and more of what you want your life to be.

 

[Calibar]

You have done nothing wrong Reedstorm. You have been honest with yourself and your parents. You owe them that even if the truth is unpleasant. We are hurt when reality is much different than we perceive it to be but it is always better to embrace truth than to bury one's head in the sand. I felt much as you do when I tried to fit in by trying to be someone other than who I am. I have not done that in a long time. I now have no friends and have little desire to make any. I can still make some friends by begin myself but I just recognized that I would rather not. I am at peace with myself and I do have tranquility but I have no joy. In high school I was more social and more emotional. I did not have tranquility and my emotions came in all shades, from very pleasant to very unpleasant. Sometimes I miss that state. Even in my tranquility, something very important is missing, and that is emotional fulfillment. I feel like my soul has died, not that I believe in souls, just speaking metaphorically. I think emotional fulfillment can only come from sources outside of ourselves, i.e. interacting with others in meaningful ways.

When things seem too bleak to you know that you can also reach a state of tranquility and inner peace, mostly by becoming self sufficient and isolated. But there may be better out there even for our kind. You must not do anything about your condition in order to please your parents, only do it if it is good for you, but still recognize that your parents only want what is best for you. You are lucky to have such devoted parents and should be grateful. That said, your parents, while not fully understanding what you are facing, may not be completely wrong. Practicing in social situations will likely lead to some improvement and will ease anxiety a bit. I guess the point of all I have said is that if you can avoid it, do not become like me. Try hard to find emotional fulfillment, but do so while still being yourself. It will do you no good to be fake or to deceive yourself. You should try to find people who will accept you as you are.

Since you will go to college soon I will give you some advice. Take some philosophy courses. Wisdom (being able to recognize and infer the truth) is skill like any other that requires practice. You can learn this in philosophy, especially analytic philosophy. Do not make philosophy your main subject because it is unlikely to lead to a job, but on a personal level, there is nothing I cherish more from university than the philosophy courses I took. They changed me as person, made better and much more confident (to the point of arrogance ). For your main subject I recommend something that you at least find acceptable but that has job prospects. I realize I have gone off topic, but I wish someone had told me this before I went to uni. Know that it will end at 4 years and the future will look a lot brighter if you choose well.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Based on what you said, we feel your parents likely felt they had only one choice at that time, by putting forth lots of efforts and assuming teaching life skills and getting you ready to be an adult was best, but in hindsight, it was not the only choice, or best choice; I agree.

Whether this was because of assumptions or misunderstandings from lack of communications, or just some vision by them of you being successful against the odds, with that being their dreams, or because of pressure placed on them from society or the medical and educational establishments, I do not know.

The past you cannot change. The present and the future is what matters now, and it is great now that you told your parents those feelings before college, about not wanting to change who you are. You had a right to tell them, and they had a right to know. Your fathers hurt by your words is temporary, and it will go away. As a Dad of two Autistic sons, I know I would want to know.

Before I can give further input, I would ask if you could share your feelings about certain issues. Is college something you want, or do you feel pressure to do that? If you want college, do you want or feel you could handle roommates? What are your needs as an adult besides being yourself? How do you define success? Is there a certain job you envision yourself at one day, or is that too stressful to think about?

Do you envision living on your own, living with parents, or one day dating and being in a relationship? How do you tolerate criticism and rejection? What things in life are the scariest for you? What are your interests and any talents? I am sorry for asking so many, and if it too stressful to answer, or with difficulty do not worry. I would understand. The reason I ask these questions is because it would be important to know how much functioning and life skills you even need.

Too often society assumes that those with conditions or certain personalities want to be bettered or changed, if that is even possible at all. So, the educational and medical establishment and others try to put pressure on those persons to get better or to fit in. But, they fail to realize not everyone wants to be really social, an extrovert, or to hang out with lots of people. Not everyone wants a great education, a career, or can handle that. Some prefer and need a very simple life, and being themselves, and finding happiness doing their own things. Some want just acceptance.

Why would some want to fit in, and change anyway, if they thought that was impossible or if they knew it would cause them more depression, anxiety or stress? Not everyone wants to compete with others in this world, or to follow like sheep trying to impress with money, fame or status. Some want to just do things their own reasonable way, and not feel all that pressure to try to be someone else. What good is striving to be like others, if one is not happy being that way, and if one feels that they can never be like that or be comfortable like that?

As my wife and I define our own rules for happiness and success, so we will let our sons choose too what it is they will want out of life an an adult. In the meantime, we are following their interests, and we are aware of their preferences and teaching needs, in ways best for each. If they want or can handle a career later, that is fine, but if they do not want that or cannot handle that, we would love them the same. I hope your parents too will support you in your desires and needs. Their happiness should be based on your happiness, and not on societal expectations.

 

[Streetwise]

such.a beautiful cat its a wonderful colour

 

[SusanLR]

Even in my tranquility, something very important is missing, and that is emotional fulfillment. I feel like my soul has died, not that I believe in souls, just speaking metaphorically

There is a lot of good advice here on doing what you want and being yourself. I know that faking and putting on an act to please someone else's ideals is too mentally tiring and as I've grown older I've learned not to care so much either how others react to just being me.
As far as money at this stage of life, I need a bit more to enable me to try things on my own to see if I can find that missing emotional fulfillment without the need of others.
It certainly isn't to impress or feel powerful.
I've always needed someone else to feel that emotional fulfillment and now I don't have that someone, I would love to find the way to find fulfillment by myself and not feel I need others to obtain it.

 

[Bella Pines]

To come to terms with the real you at such a young age is amazing. Seriously, I was in my mid thirties when I reached the kind of emotional maturity that you have reached now.

So before you start to move on to the next challenge in your life, pat yourself on the back, you've achieved a lot on a short time.

Then next. I am 40 something mum with sons and an aspie. There are many like me on this forum. It's a haven to me because I can speak freely, can drop the social act and am genuinely fascinated with some of the posts.

But there is no way to tell that. At the end of the day I am a stranger on the internet so do please proceed with caution. Do not give out location details or your real name. Take any advice at face value and always make your own decisions independently to ANYTHING you read on the internet.

Okay, mum nag complete.

Now you've sorted you out and know who you are. Your parents want you to be able to successfully function (or at least survive) in an NT (neurotypical) society. Unfortunately both sides are correct but don't QUITE align. Hence the conflict.

No one but you has control of your life, so no one will be able to tell you what to do, but working through the questions might give you some ideas that will allow you the freedom you crave, whist still being able to function in society:

I would ask if you could share your feelings about certain issues. Is college something you want, or do you feel pressure to do that? If you want college, do you want or feel you could handle roommates? What are your needs as an adult besides being yourself? How do you define success? Is there a certain job you envision yourself at one day, or is that too stressful to think about?

Do you envision living on your own, living with parents, or one day dating and being in a relationship? How do you tolerate criticism and rejection? What things in life are the scariest for you? What are your interests and any talents? I am sorry for asking so many, and if it too stressful to answer, or with difficulty do not worry. I would understand. The reason I ask these questions is because it would be important to know how much functioning and life skills you even need.

 

[WereBear]

You do not exist to make everyone else feel good about themselves. Honesty comes very naturally to us; but it is a very good policy, too!

You could never do what they wanted. And ultimatums just make us panic.

You can acknowledge they did they best they could while still pointing out it wasn't the best thing for you. Turn that energy into figuring out what the best things are.

 

[Reedstorm17]

Thank you for all these responses. They're been very helpful.

Now, to answer the questions:

Is college something you want, or do you feel pressure to do that?

Yes, I do want to go to college. I want to have the experience and it's a good way to see how well I do living on my own. I plan to stay close to home.

If you want college, do you want or feel you could handle roommates?

I'm not really sure. I haven't really put much thought into roommates. I feel like having a roommate might be very stressful, but if getting a single dorm isn't a choice then I guess I'll have to find a way to handle it.

What are your needs as an adult besides being yourself?

I don't exactly want to be anti-social. I like being around people and talking to them when I don't feel required to do so. I actually enjoy hanging out with people as long as I don't feel I'm reading off a script, or like they all just look past me and only pay attention to me if I say something and sometimes not even then. I only have two close friends, one who I don't see often but we call each other a lot, the other who is an aspie and we see each other all the time at school and always text about random stuff. I feel more pressure with the friend I don't see often, but she understands, and I always make a lot of effort to reach out to her about her life to the point that it's become natural. Having only two close friends is actually pretty good. I like having other friends such as the people in marching band that I don't hang out with or text outside of school. I'm usually not fake around these people because I don't have much pressure around them. They are the people who see most of the real me, because in some ways whether they decide to accept or reject me doesn't really matter.

So, as an adult, I'll try not to throw myself into social situations, but when need be I'll talk to and hang out with people. My main requirement is to have time for myself. Whenever I'm home alone, I just wander around the house and give myself some time to do what I feel like without worrying about being watched. As long as I still have that time when I'm older, I should be okay.

How do you define success?

That is a hard question. I guess I'd say success is when you feel good about something you've achieved, when you complete something you set out to do and you feel like it went well.

Is there a certain job you envision yourself at one day, or is that too stressful to think about?

I'm probably going to major in math and find some job related to math or computer science, but I don't really think about it too much because it's still pretty far off in the future. I also like writing, so I'm going to continue writing novels in my down time. At some point, I plan to start finding a publisher, but for now I'm just focusing on writing the stories and getting through the self-editing drafts. When I'm not writing novels, I put my inner thoughts and struggles into words in my Notes app, kind of poem-like. It helps.

Do you envision living on your own, living with parents, or one day dating and being in a relationship?

I do want to be in relationships and get married someday, but I also want to take some time for myself first. There is probably a lot I still have to discover about myself.

How do you tolerate criticism and rejection?

I hate it, especially when it is put right to my face. When people explain to me what I'm doing wrong, I usually fake a smile and laugh every once in a while like "yeah, I see, I'll try to improve." When people look at my stories and want to give me feedback, I usually ask them to write it down and let me look at it in my own time. It helps a lot.

What things in life are the scariest for you?

The scariest things are unknown threats. Like when I feel like I'm being watched. Although my biggest fear is the fact that I'm going to die someday. I've been afraid of death ever since I was really little.

What are your interests and any talents?

They vary. I have a lot less now than I used to, but at the moment I'd say one of my biggest interests is song lyrics and music, mainly by bands such as Three Days Grace and Thousand Foot Krutch. One of my talents that's stuck around is my memory, but my long-term memory is insanely better than my short-term.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Thank you for all these responses. They're been very helpful.

Now, to answer the questions:

Is college something you want, or do you feel pressure to do that?

Yes, I do want to go to college. I want to have the experience and it's a good way to see how well I do living on my own. I plan to stay close to home.

If you want college, do you want or feel you could handle roommates?

I'm not really sure. I haven't really put much thought into roommates. I feel like having a roommate might be very stressful, but if getting a single dorm isn't a choice then I guess I'll have to find a way to handle it.

What are your needs as an adult besides being yourself?

I don't exactly want to be anti-social. I like being around people and talking to them when I don't feel required to do so. I actually enjoy hanging out with people as long as I don't feel I'm reading off a script, or like they all just look past me and only pay attention to me if I say something and sometimes not even then. I only have two close friends, one who I don't see often but we call each other a lot, the other who is an aspie and we see each other all the time at school and always text about random stuff. I feel more pressure with the friend I don't see often, but she understands, and I always make a lot of effort to reach out to her about her life to the point that it's become natural. Having only two close friends is actually pretty good. I like having other friends such as the people in marching band that I don't hang out with or text outside of school. I'm usually not fake around these people because I don't have much pressure around them. They are the people who see most of the real me, because in some ways whether they decide to accept or reject me doesn't really matter.

So, as an adult, I'll try not to throw myself into social situations, but when need be I'll talk to and hang out with people. My main requirement is to have time for myself. Whenever I'm home alone, I just wander around the house and give myself some time to do what I feel like without worrying about being watched. As long as I still have that time when I'm older, I should be okay.

How do you define success?

That is a hard question. I guess I'd say success is when you feel good about something you've achieved, when you complete something you set out to do and you feel like it went well.

Is there a certain job you envision yourself at one day, or is that too stressful to think about?

I'm probably going to major in math and find some job related to math or computer science, but I don't really think about it too much because it's still pretty far off in the future. I also like writing, so I'm going to continue writing novels in my down time. At some point, I plan to start finding a publisher, but for now I'm just focusing on writing the stories and getting through the self-editing drafts. When I'm not writing novels, I put my inner thoughts and struggles into words in my Notes app, kind of poem-like. It helps.

Do you envision living on your own, living with parents, or one day dating and being in a relationship?

I do want to be in relationships and get married someday, but I also want to take some time for myself first. There is probably a lot I still have to discover about myself.

How do you tolerate criticism and rejection?

I hate it, especially when it is put right to my face. When people explain to me what I'm doing wrong, I usually fake a smile and laugh every once in a while like "yeah, I see, I'll try to improve." When people look at my stories and want to give me feedback, I usually ask them to write it down and let me look at it in my own time. It helps a lot.

What things in life are the scariest for you?

The scariest things are unknown threats. Like when I feel like I'm being watched. Although my biggest fear is the fact that I'm going to die someday. I've been afraid of death ever since I was really little.

What are your interests and any talents?

They vary. I have a lot less now than I used to, but at the moment I'd say one of my biggest interests is song lyrics and music, mainly by bands such as Three Days Grace and Thousand Foot Krutch. One of my talents that's stuck around is my memory, but my long-term memory is insanely better than my short-term.

Thank you for replying to those questions. Based on your desires, abilities, limitations, interests and needs, it looks like your parents were right in at least trying to get you "some" basic life skills, as many of the things you mentioned will require sometimes being more proper to accomplish those things and not cause more problems. Like it or not, society will be harsher towards anyone who is not politically correct for certain things. Most everyone has to alter their desires or themselves a little, to fit a situation. That is different than changing who you are though.

So, maybe your parental attempts to get you to fit in in some ways through getting life skills was needed, as it could have given you more abilities and confidence to want to try some of those things you mentioned you want as an adult. In other cases, their advice or teachings could cause more stress, if for those upcoming adult situations you would have desired to be more yourself instead of acting your parents preferred ways based on their teachings. But, I think they cared, and were just trying to get you to be your best, and have less societal criticism towards you as an Aspie, knowing how mean NTs can be.

But, this does not mean you cannot be yourself in many ways, too, as an adult, and go against some or many things they said, if you would feel more stress and anxiety by following their rules. As adults, we can pick and choose what advice we were given earlier to act on or not act on. Soon it will be you having to make more decisions by following your head and heart. Your thoughts and feelings now may change by your upcoming new experiences, or stay the same. We learn through our mistakes, failures and accomplishments, too.

So, although more experiences and time will be needed before you know how things will turn out for you in your desires, and to further understand yourself, abilities and needs more, your answers you gave were a huge start to figuring out things. I am wishing you all the best there. It is good to have any parental support though if you need further direction as an adult, now that they know at least a little more about you preferring to be more you, too. So, keep the communication open with them, if you feel this helps.

 

[Calibar]

Money is always good. I could be much happier if I had money and could study what I like. Money is freedom.

I wish you success in trying to find fulfillment by yourself but for me personally I doubt it would work. If I had more freedom I would much better off than I am now, but I don't think it could replace passion. I haven't had passion in a decade. It was wonderful...

Why not try to find that someone again?

There is a lot of good advice here on doing what you want and being yourself. I know that faking and putting on an act to please someone else's ideals is too mentally tiring and as I've grown older I've learned not to care so much either how others react to just being me.
As far as money at this stage of life, I need a bit more to enable me to try things on my own to see if I can find that missing emotional fulfillment without the need of others.
It certainly isn't to impress or feel powerful.
I've always needed someone else to feel that emotional fulfillment and now I don't have that someone, I would love to find the way to find fulfillment by myself and not feel I need others to obtain it.

 

[Calibar]

Reedstorm, I would pick comp sci over math in terms of job prospects, easier too. In most programming jobs though you do mundane coding not algorithmically very complex. I do not enjoy such work but it sure beats unemployment... If you get a chance at co-ops or one year of work experience through your school I highly would recommend it.

 

[Reedstorm17]

Reedstorm, I would pick comp sci over math in terms of job prospects, easier too. In most programming jobs though you do mundane coding not algorithmically very complex. I do not enjoy such work but it sure beats unemployment... If you get a chance at co-ops or one year of work experience through your school I highly would recommend it.

That's what I'm considering so far. I'm going to take computer science at school this year to get an idea.

 

[Bella Pines]

Thank you for the context.

It's quite clear to me that you are going to turn out just fine.

You are doing everything right. It sounds like going to college is the right thing to do and also you have chosen well in the subject areas and I'll tell you why. It is very easy for us to hide away, to lock ourselves in a room with a laptop or a notebook and work on some special project. But this is self perpetuating and if you get into this cycle it is harder and harder to break out. Learning to function (or at least survive) in society is an essential skill. It gives you options. You can then get into a comfortable position whereby you have a salary, can exist in society and can retreat on your own terms. However, learning to function in society will always be an uphill struggle.

The subject is perfect. I do suspect a lot of aspies go into science, maths or computers. There are a lot of gifts that come with aspergers and visualizing algorithms, working with large datasets and breaking down problems are amongst them. I have in the past worked as a perl developer, then java, then databases, then into enterprise architecture and it worked well because it was a job whereby I could talk to people briefly but then go into my own world. I would spend a few days in the office being sociable, then work from home for the rest of the week. Computer science is almost a stock skill and you can go many places from here.

Why does it hurt so much? To know that I basically just told my dad that he and my mom did everything wrong

My husband and I both took a quiz recently and he came out completely on the neurotypical end and I came out completely on the neurodiverse end.

Aspie Quiz

If your parents are neurotypical (NT) and you are neurodiverse, then there is a big yawning gap between you. Unfortunately I am not convinced that they will ever fully understand you and vice versa. But one day, hopefully you will simply accept each other for who each of you are.

The struggle could be arising from them trying to do what is best for you (train you to survive in an NT society) and you trying too hard to be neurotypical. This won't happen overnight and you both need to take it each incident at a time. Also, redefine "success". Success for now sounds like you acting like everyone else. Which is not happening. Try redefining success as simply saying "hello" and smiling at someone. Leave it there and congratulate yourself on small victories as they happen.

I try so hard to do these things I'm supposed to do, but I can never get it right.

There is no right. No one "gets it right". We simply find ourselves and tread the tightrope between being our real selves and reading from a script. As you get older you will find that you can be yourself more of the time and if you are lucky you will find a job and friends whereby you can be yourself all of the time.

But even NTs have to put on an act sometimes. I mean look at job interviews. We turn up clean and smart (which is not my natural state), we smile (which is really not my natural state) and we say "but of course I am the perfect employee and will dedicate my heart and soul to this company" (which we've probably forgotten the name of).

Then we step out the interview and revert once again to ourselves. And everyone does this, aspie and NT alike.

But don't let your polite self consume you, use it where appropriate but see it as just "being polite". Don't try to completely change or be someone else, just be aware of your surroundings and polish your edges.

But also, if you are going to function in NT society, be self aware. Try to recognize when your meltdowns will occur and take yourself off to a quiet place.

I actually enjoy hanging out with people as long as I don't feel I'm reading off a script

And if you do surround yourselves with comp sci graduates then you may find that you never feel like you are reading off a script. But I'm sorry to say that this is part of life. Even if you get a job and have friends/girlfriends that understand you, you will still have to ask the person in the supermarket questions, you will still go for job interviews, you will still have to interact with your family.

Society is dominated with NTs and we have to learn to speak their language. Think of it as living in a foreign country. When I go to Paris I speak french. I am not pretending to be french, I don't think I'm french, I just briefly talk in another language because everyone else talks like that.

So you see, it doesn't mean you are faking it, it just means you are talking their language for a short time before returning to who you really are. And french can in some cases be a beautiful language.