saigetic
Member
I just had myself a good cry. Not my usual hidden cry i have, usually much too often, no.
This time, it was from something good.
As of the past week or so (in days), i have hit my lowest. I've been dazed, tired, my energy had been at practically an ATL, i considered relapsing after a year of being clean, and i had genuinely been planning my own elimination. Think the depressive episode i'd been having before, only it was getting much worse, very fast.
A part of my episode had been loneliness. I've mentioned this before, i am homeschooled (a minor) and live smack dab in the middle of nowhere in a very small town. I don't have any friends, or a support system, or even a school counselor i could go to. Isolation played a pretty big roll in why i felt the way i did.
Though, in a very unfortunate pairing, i also deal with self-worth issues.
Several months ago i removed every friend i had on the gaming platform Roblox, which is where my main source of socialization has been for a while. I was under the firm belief that i wasnt worth any of my friends' time, and while removing the inactive friends, i also removed some I'd actually spoken to before. I felt like resetting and finding people who wanted to talk to me, as opposed to doing so out of what i thought was pity, would maybe be the best option. (Also, some of these friends hadn't spoken to me in a while, or they'd spoken very few words to me, or we didn't talk period)
I was wrong.
With them, I probably would be a little bit better now. Sure, we hadn't spoken in a bit, but that only made me feel like the moments we did connect were faked or done from pity, especially since some of my online friends had spoken behind my back on different platforms (i saw the screenshots from another friend of mine who at the time was also in contact with them). I didn't really think i would ever get that sort of connection back, since i was so sure that no one really appreciated me beforehand, even if i appreciated them. It was very stupid of me to think that and i feel terrible knowing some of these people probably did care and i just left without saying anything, or explaining why i was doing it.
Recently, as of a couple days ago, though, something happened.
See, i had one of the friends in my list still. i won't say her name, but several months ago i added her back because i felt a bit bad since we were pretty close, though i hadn't spoken to her much after i friended her back. I didn't really wanna annoy her or anything.
i joined this game recently- a nostalgia snapshot of an older version of a game that since has been updated heavily, and one i used tp play in it's original days. I also happened to play a lot with this friend and her sister, whom i was also friends with, though i hadn't friended her back.
There wasn't anyone in the game, so i figured i'd just be alone exploring for the thousandth time, even if i knew what the entire map looked like. Then, she joined the game.
She was online, but i hadn't really expected her to join. It was really surprising to me, especially since she still seemed so familiar with me. So welcoming after so many months. We exchanced very enthusiastic "HELLO"'s and "HIIII"'s and starting chatting about our lives and how they were going. Obviously i'm not gonna deep dive on what she said, but she's actually grown about as much as i have and it turns out we have similar interests. We got to speaking about driving, bugs, what we wanna go to college for, a bunch of different random topics that didn't relate to one another but still we somehow managed to switch between them, which is a conversation style i end up having a lot if i am at all involved in one. after a while, her sister joined, and the enthusiasm and yapping only grew. I ended up telling them about my being groomed online (something i havent even told my parents about) and they were so supportive, saying that they'd do whatever they could to help, if they could, to find out more stuff about the guy or just support me, because the whole incident went on for years, while i was still a child (so it molded my brain to be dependent on very inappropriate things) and is still affecting me now. I do feel bad for the rambling i did, and while they did say it was fine i really feel like i should have let them speak more, even if they already had been speaking quite a bit.
After an hour or two, they said they had to leave, and they said I could join them whenever i wanted to and/or yap (since they love yapping), and i told them likewise, we said goodbyes which were equally as hyper as the hellos, and then they left.
It was actually very, very nice though, to have such a long conversation after what feels like forever of feeling like i don't deserve companionship. I could have just sat and listened to them talk without saying a word, honestly, and i probably would be equally as happy now. To have two people feel comfortable enough to spend that much time just talking with me, not even doing anything, and be happy with that?
It's quite stunning for me, honestly; i still haven't really comprehended it all. It's like whiplash, in a sense. I was so sure that i wouldn't ever have true friends, and all of a sudden these two people who i thought didn't care at all, ended up willingly talking to me like they.. actually want to.
Not out of pity.
Not to manipulate me.
Not because they wanted to use me for their own gain.
It was genuine.
And that, genuinely, made me cry.
I know it shouldn't, and i know it isn't a big deal. A couple of old friends reconnecting with someone really isn't that deep.
But this feels almost miraculous.
They came at the perfect time, when i was feeling my worst, and had a lovely conversation with me. I know it's simply coincidence, but the fact that i told them about one of my most secretive hardships that i'm very humiliated to even think about, and they still supported me? That isn't coincidence, that's choice. A choice i didn't think anyone would make towards me.
They could have ridiculed me, but they didn't. The fake friends i had did eventually do that directly to my face after a while, and i almost expected them to do the same since it had been virtually forever, but they were still so incredibly nice and genuine- to a shocking degree, for me.
Case in point, i feel a lot better now that two of my old friends came back and continued treating me like a person after so long. I'm sure it's on record that i'm not really used to that kind of friendship from people.
A pretty good chunk of my online friends turned out to be manipulative and/or flatout hated me, hence why i decided to purge everyone from my friends' list. Why waste anyone elses time if i've already been such a burden to people?
This entire encounter has definitely lifted my spirits, though. I don't know if it's selfish to need some kind of human connection to feel fulfilled, but i was lonely to a very painful degree, and i honestly wish i had more positive words to describe how kind they were and how happy I am now that i've spoken with them, but there simply aren't enough in the english language, so I'll say what i can.
I have an insane amount of gratitude towards the two of them. I've known them for a solid 3-4 years, and every moment with them has never failed to make me happy. For the first time in a while, i felt happy talking to someone. They're both genuinely so kind, and funny, and overall just incredibly pleasant human beings.
I couldn't be anymore grateful than i am now to have them, and though i honestly still feel like i don't deserve such wonderful people in my life, i just want to thank them as much as i can, and even then that probably wouldn't be enough.
I owe them both literally everything, for everything they've done for me.
I thank them, from the bottom of my very soul, for staying. Even just being with me, i feel like i owe them a thousand thanks
For once, I got up and showered.
For once, I anticipated waking up the next day, *wanting* to wake up, so I can talk to them again.
For once, things don't feel so painful anymore.
I can breathe again.
All thanks to them.
Because when I was just about to give up, they came back.
Genuinely, and not from pity or feigned care.
And that's something i didn't think i was deserving of. Something i hadn't thought for a while.
And if that happened anyways..
Maybe it'll keep getting better.
Maybe i'll be okay.
..I think i'll be okay.
This time, it was from something good.
As of the past week or so (in days), i have hit my lowest. I've been dazed, tired, my energy had been at practically an ATL, i considered relapsing after a year of being clean, and i had genuinely been planning my own elimination. Think the depressive episode i'd been having before, only it was getting much worse, very fast.
A part of my episode had been loneliness. I've mentioned this before, i am homeschooled (a minor) and live smack dab in the middle of nowhere in a very small town. I don't have any friends, or a support system, or even a school counselor i could go to. Isolation played a pretty big roll in why i felt the way i did.
Though, in a very unfortunate pairing, i also deal with self-worth issues.
Several months ago i removed every friend i had on the gaming platform Roblox, which is where my main source of socialization has been for a while. I was under the firm belief that i wasnt worth any of my friends' time, and while removing the inactive friends, i also removed some I'd actually spoken to before. I felt like resetting and finding people who wanted to talk to me, as opposed to doing so out of what i thought was pity, would maybe be the best option. (Also, some of these friends hadn't spoken to me in a while, or they'd spoken very few words to me, or we didn't talk period)
I was wrong.
With them, I probably would be a little bit better now. Sure, we hadn't spoken in a bit, but that only made me feel like the moments we did connect were faked or done from pity, especially since some of my online friends had spoken behind my back on different platforms (i saw the screenshots from another friend of mine who at the time was also in contact with them). I didn't really think i would ever get that sort of connection back, since i was so sure that no one really appreciated me beforehand, even if i appreciated them. It was very stupid of me to think that and i feel terrible knowing some of these people probably did care and i just left without saying anything, or explaining why i was doing it.
Recently, as of a couple days ago, though, something happened.
See, i had one of the friends in my list still. i won't say her name, but several months ago i added her back because i felt a bit bad since we were pretty close, though i hadn't spoken to her much after i friended her back. I didn't really wanna annoy her or anything.
i joined this game recently- a nostalgia snapshot of an older version of a game that since has been updated heavily, and one i used tp play in it's original days. I also happened to play a lot with this friend and her sister, whom i was also friends with, though i hadn't friended her back.
There wasn't anyone in the game, so i figured i'd just be alone exploring for the thousandth time, even if i knew what the entire map looked like. Then, she joined the game.
She was online, but i hadn't really expected her to join. It was really surprising to me, especially since she still seemed so familiar with me. So welcoming after so many months. We exchanced very enthusiastic "HELLO"'s and "HIIII"'s and starting chatting about our lives and how they were going. Obviously i'm not gonna deep dive on what she said, but she's actually grown about as much as i have and it turns out we have similar interests. We got to speaking about driving, bugs, what we wanna go to college for, a bunch of different random topics that didn't relate to one another but still we somehow managed to switch between them, which is a conversation style i end up having a lot if i am at all involved in one. after a while, her sister joined, and the enthusiasm and yapping only grew. I ended up telling them about my being groomed online (something i havent even told my parents about) and they were so supportive, saying that they'd do whatever they could to help, if they could, to find out more stuff about the guy or just support me, because the whole incident went on for years, while i was still a child (so it molded my brain to be dependent on very inappropriate things) and is still affecting me now. I do feel bad for the rambling i did, and while they did say it was fine i really feel like i should have let them speak more, even if they already had been speaking quite a bit.
After an hour or two, they said they had to leave, and they said I could join them whenever i wanted to and/or yap (since they love yapping), and i told them likewise, we said goodbyes which were equally as hyper as the hellos, and then they left.
It was actually very, very nice though, to have such a long conversation after what feels like forever of feeling like i don't deserve companionship. I could have just sat and listened to them talk without saying a word, honestly, and i probably would be equally as happy now. To have two people feel comfortable enough to spend that much time just talking with me, not even doing anything, and be happy with that?
It's quite stunning for me, honestly; i still haven't really comprehended it all. It's like whiplash, in a sense. I was so sure that i wouldn't ever have true friends, and all of a sudden these two people who i thought didn't care at all, ended up willingly talking to me like they.. actually want to.
Not out of pity.
Not to manipulate me.
Not because they wanted to use me for their own gain.
It was genuine.
And that, genuinely, made me cry.
I know it shouldn't, and i know it isn't a big deal. A couple of old friends reconnecting with someone really isn't that deep.
But this feels almost miraculous.
They came at the perfect time, when i was feeling my worst, and had a lovely conversation with me. I know it's simply coincidence, but the fact that i told them about one of my most secretive hardships that i'm very humiliated to even think about, and they still supported me? That isn't coincidence, that's choice. A choice i didn't think anyone would make towards me.
They could have ridiculed me, but they didn't. The fake friends i had did eventually do that directly to my face after a while, and i almost expected them to do the same since it had been virtually forever, but they were still so incredibly nice and genuine- to a shocking degree, for me.
Case in point, i feel a lot better now that two of my old friends came back and continued treating me like a person after so long. I'm sure it's on record that i'm not really used to that kind of friendship from people.
A pretty good chunk of my online friends turned out to be manipulative and/or flatout hated me, hence why i decided to purge everyone from my friends' list. Why waste anyone elses time if i've already been such a burden to people?
This entire encounter has definitely lifted my spirits, though. I don't know if it's selfish to need some kind of human connection to feel fulfilled, but i was lonely to a very painful degree, and i honestly wish i had more positive words to describe how kind they were and how happy I am now that i've spoken with them, but there simply aren't enough in the english language, so I'll say what i can.
I have an insane amount of gratitude towards the two of them. I've known them for a solid 3-4 years, and every moment with them has never failed to make me happy. For the first time in a while, i felt happy talking to someone. They're both genuinely so kind, and funny, and overall just incredibly pleasant human beings.
I couldn't be anymore grateful than i am now to have them, and though i honestly still feel like i don't deserve such wonderful people in my life, i just want to thank them as much as i can, and even then that probably wouldn't be enough.
I owe them both literally everything, for everything they've done for me.
I thank them, from the bottom of my very soul, for staying. Even just being with me, i feel like i owe them a thousand thanks
For once, I got up and showered.
For once, I anticipated waking up the next day, *wanting* to wake up, so I can talk to them again.
For once, things don't feel so painful anymore.
I can breathe again.
All thanks to them.
Because when I was just about to give up, they came back.
Genuinely, and not from pity or feigned care.
And that's something i didn't think i was deserving of. Something i hadn't thought for a while.
And if that happened anyways..
Maybe it'll keep getting better.
Maybe i'll be okay.
..I think i'll be okay.
