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i need unbiased opinions...

C

chesh

Active Member
What i mean is i need opinions not from people in my personal life off the web. Ill explain later in the post....

Okay, so I've been watching my boyfriends 1 year old son for about 3 months straight now. We've been dating for 5 months and I already live with him. The reason why I'm watching/raising him is because the mother basically abandoned him with us after the court case to finalize joint custody. The last words she spoke to me where, "if you could watch him for a couple days that'd be cool." Of course because i love babies, i reluctantly said yes.
Now, the issue is that I am now the only person in charge of the infant. Meaning that I watch him 24/7, because my boyfriend works all nighters. My problem is that I feel like I regret taking in the infant to raise him. Ive heard nothing but negative things from everyone like, "you shouldn't be raising a baby that isn't yours" and "you need to dump him" but i really truly love him (i have loved him for 2 years previously but thought I was too unbearable and ugly for him). I don't want to leave him and I still want to be around the baby, but I also want to get a job and take care of myself...
I feel so torn and upset about this, i feel like there's nothing I can do. I would at least talk about this to someone to see what I could do...
Thank you if you read this
 
Wow chesh, that's a huge load to take on.

Are you part of the custody agreement? Because I would assume that the court would have assigned custody with the expectation that those parties could provide a safe home for the child??? If you are part of the agreement, then I can understand this arrangement. But if you aren't part of the agreement, then it is very unfair for your boyfriend to fight for custody and then leave the child with you. I guess we need a few more details to understand.

If you aren't working because you're babysitting, then how are you surviving? Is he paying you for your services so you can contribute to living expenses, or is he just paying for everything? This does not seem like a healthy arrangement so soon in your relationship.

I know you love him, but I would take a long hard look at who is benefitting from this arrangement. If he is getting free childcare and you are financially bound to him, then I would suggest there is something very wrong with this arrangement.

And there is most definitely something you can do, you can hand back the responsibility of raising that child to the people legally obliged to do so. I am always amazed how good some people are at making other people feel obliged to fulfil their responsibilities.
 
Make it legal, at least. So she can't just come back and take him. Have you considered working from home?
 
I'd think there would be one thing that would be central to everything else.

How you are ultimately treated by your boyfriend. Whether he sincerely treats you as a lover, or as a nanny. And be brutally honest with yourself about it.
 
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You have taken on a lot. There are many things I would encourage you to consider:
Do you believe that he loves you?
You may become very attached to this child, are you prepared for a break up, or to have mom come back and take the child, either way loosing it?
Is your growing feeling of resentment going to negatively impact the child?
Is the situation that this child is in, a fair and healthy one to be raised in?. Most people who perform 24 hour childcare suffer some degree of burnout, especially if it is not your child.
You should certainly be able to discuss your desire for self satisfaction in regard to school or employment. If you cannot, it is NOT a healthy environment for you, and you would be best served to look at changing your situation. Mom is likely to come back some day after she is "Partied Out" and want to take over after the hard work is done. You will have no legal claim to this child, and will be shoved aside. What others say is of little consequence, including myself. You should recognize "Why" you are doing this and decide if it is worth it. What you are doing is a great thing for the child, but it may not be for you.
One of the first and most important things that is taught in care giving and in emergency care is that the care giver must be healthy first, for you can only provide the level of care that you are capable of yourself.
Good luck and I hope that this man works toward a common goal for you both that satisfies everyone's needs.
 
You should have an honest discussion with the two of them.

If you decide something. Take your time deciding before giving your final agreement.
If something is agreed, it should be in legally binding form. It should be as detailed as reasonably possible, with clearly stated what are the responsibilities and obligations of all parties. Your attitude about it, should not be that you don't trust others, but to avoid misunderstandings. Its not for when every thing go well, but for when things go bad. Disputes about kids can get very ugly....

You also need to seriously think the possibility that you are been used....
 
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