I need help and I don't have real life friends to talk too!

[Undiagnosed]

I am in a bit of a scary situation right now. The kind which would call for advice/support from friends. I don' t have friends. So please help.

I am going to put this in breif fact as to not make it too long.
I am 44 years old, female. I have one son still at home with me. I (&son) live on a small SSI income of 710 pr month. My main disability is my vision. I also have cronic depression and avoidant personality disorder. I also beleive I have borderline personality disorder although I have never told anyone I know (other than a therapist) about that. And I beleive I have Asperger's. My house is mine that I am buying and maged to do on my own (another story).

Around two years ago I had just broken up with a boyfriend of about a year or so. My ex husband proposed that he move in with me. His reason at the time was becouse there was an issue with his electric bill at his place and he didn't want to go threw another winter with it and could help me out with my bills. At some point I agreed. At some point after he moved in we ended up in ed together... Anywya we started something that resembled some type of couple relationship.

To skip all the detailss let's just say there is nothing between us now. I have been feeling like one might toward a bad roommate, whishing he was not liveing with me and here are some of the reasons-
* he likes to leave messes and I end up haveing to clean them up
* he dose help with the bills but sometimes it's an issue or argument getting the money out of him
*sometimes he will eat whatever I bought at the grocery and now I want it and it's gone.
*Sometimes he is just very grouchy and hatefull and I just wish he wasnt here.
*I don't like the way he sometimes talkes to my son, and yes this is his son too.
*And I really would just like to have my house back includeing my bedroom which he has taken over and that leaves me on the couch when he is here.

He is a simi driver though and gone about half the time. I talk to him on the phone everyday when he is gone and we seem to get along ok when he's not here. At times now and in the past he has been the only person I can depend on in certain ways. Like when i first lost my drivers licence due to my vision he would be the one person who woulld come and offer to take me where I needed to go... even though I had family liveing all around. Now I have been trained to drive with a low vision system... but can't be sure how long my vision will hold out to be useable with this system. I have been thinking for a while about asking him to move out in the spring. I thought of putting it off ofr these reasone....
1. he has cronic depression and has went off his pills recently and with it being winter depression is always worse and change is harder to handle.
2. I have cronic depression and enen though I am still on my pills change is harder for me in the winter and if I were to bring up the issue and it lead into a fight I just don't deal with such tings well and enen worsse in the winter. and
3. with the weather I thought spring would be easier to move and he also wouldnt have the heat bill issue in spring like he wuld in winter......

Anyway... he just called me and asked me if I want him to move out. Apparentley he has sences it. I told him I was thinking about him moveing out like in the spring. He said "OK I will hen", He asked "why spring", I said "I just thought it would be easiier that way" I told him I didn't want us to be enemies or anything I just don't see why we should be living in the same house when there is nothing between us. He said...,"I guess I don't either".

The problem I have is I am sorta shaky as to my ability to make it on my own. He is sorta my security net in ways. Like if I really have a major issure and knowing he lives with me I know he will be there i.e. my furnace when out lasst winter and he found a guy to fix it and payed the guy. My central air goes out he is usually pretty handy and can fix things that I am clueless about. He has me on his cell phone account and on his car insurance. Now that this covversation has happened ,,, it is out in the open... it is real and not just a thought I had..... It is sorta scary.
I have told myself that it is just not ok to keep him around for such rreasons. Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I in a position, with my limitations and such, to really be stupid to send out the door the only support system I have??

I already know how stupid it can be to have an ex move back in and I really don't need to hear those arguments right now.... I am beyond that pooint.

I am jsut sorta scard right now as to my ability to handle life on my own and am wondering if I am doing the right thing or am I being really stupid?

 

[Undiagnosed]

O and just let me say one more thing to clarify the situation. This man is the kind who dosn't seem to need or want any type of clossness, affection, or connection. He could probably live the rest of his life in my house with nothing going on with us and be content with that. Even when we were married he was not 'normal' to me in any way . I felt that I was single when we were married. We lived like two seperate lives at times. There was times I never did come home and he never asked why. There was a long period I didn't even know his phone number ..... weird.

 

[Bay]

I think that, if it feels safe to do so, you should tell him of your ambivalence and why. Perhaps you will find him to be sympathetic; after all, you took him in when he faced hard times. It is not unheard of for formers spouses to continue to support each other in a variety of ways, financially or emotionally. Is he paying child support? Because he should be a safety net for your boy, if nothing else. Just my opinion.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Living on one's own and buying a house is scary, there is no question about it. The only advice I can give is that somehow, somewhere you have to find the strength within yourself. It's not easy. I live alone and don't have any real support system or safety net either. Two years ago the trailer park where I live went into bankruptcy and was foreclosed upon and I did not know from one day to the next whether I would come home and find a notice on my door saying I had 30 days to get out. Long story I won't go into here, I tried looking into other options--buy, rent--and there was nothing out there that fit my budget. Fortunately the situation seems to be stabilized now.

What I have learned from living on my own is that desperate people make desperate decisions that in the long run are not good decisions. They think they have no other choice but a bad choice. So they hang on to safety nets that really aren't safety nets. Only you can decide what to do about this situation. But I would advise you to look around and look at your own strengths.

One of the reasons I joined a church even though I am an agnostic (don't really believe in God) is that by being in a church I am part of a community as imperfect as it is. There are people I can call upon that have the skills to fix things or know people who do. So that I am not dependent on someone that I know is not going to be good for me in the long run.

Furthermore, you are a mother and you need to think about your son and what he may be witnessing or making of this situation. Kids don't always say what they are thinking but they observe a lot. If he sees that you are clinging to a bad relationship out of desperation, what is that teaching him about women and relationships?

 

[Undiagnosed]

True and my son is the number one factor. I considered that I don't like the way his Dad talks/deals with him and would rather not live with that. Then I think if he moves out my son will go stay with him at times and have his Dad to 'deal' with on his own. And my ex is an alchoholic, not drinking now for over a year. I am conserned if he goes back to living on his own he may start drinking again and then I will have that issue to deal with in regards to my son. Awhile back my son mentioned something to me that made me beleive he would rather his Dad not be living in our house. I asked him now how he felt about it and he said it dosnt matter to him either way ... He jsut dosn't want his Dad to go back to the trailer he was in before (for whatever reason). I don't know if my son says he dosn't care becouse he forgets now what it was like liveing without his Dad in the house or what?

Anyway thanks a lot Spinning and Bay. Just getting some input and haveing someone to bounce my thoughs off of helps so much. I don't always trush my decisions becouse I have made some really bad/stupid ones in the past and sometimes have to wonder if my disorders are twisting the process in my mind. so again thanks so much.

 

[Soup]

Seems like others have already shown up with some good advice. Here's my 2 cents' worth:

The problems you describe with your ex seem like they can be negotiated or worked out. You mention having an avoidant personality. Is it possible that, since you don't like conflict, you have avoided setting clear boundaries? You are the owner of the property & you aren't this guy's wife. You could draw up a living arrangement that stipulates clearly what is expected of him as a room mate & find a way to divvy up domestic/household tasks.

I don't think that there's a person on earth who hasn't made a few bad-even really dumb decisions so please stop calling yourself stupid. You are human & we humans tend to bungle things now & then. Your ex sounds like he may be an undiagnosed Aspie too- which may make it more difficult for him to realize that he isn't doing some things he ought to & is doing some things he ought not do. With you being avoidant & possibly an Aspie, you may not be setting clear boundaries & when you feel disrespected, react in not the most constructive ways.

Since you are ambivalent about showing him the door & living on your own, perhaps clearly defining the problems & working on solutions might be a compromise. As for how he speaks to your son, what specifically is the problem? I know teenagers can be a handful & some get mouthy too & not every parent has the skills or patience to manage them. This is a parenting issue that the 2 of you will have to negotiate.

As for real life friends, last I looked, I am a tangible real person living in a real home with 2 real dogs & a real cat (husband & elderly parents downstairs in the apartment we built for them). Think of us as friends who live out of state & whom you can access through this forum 24/7.

 

[Undiagnosed]

s for the offer of friendship Soup. I appreciate that. As for me being avoidant yes I have to a point avoided confronting him. Then there have been other times I have gotten to the point that an issue Had to be faced. In these instances I'v tried to approatch communitaceting with him in a better way than is my usual pattern. I am trying to look at my past and learn and do things differentley. I am quickley reminded of how impossable he is to workt with. Yes I think he may be Aspie and I' m sure I am. As a 53 year old He looks at it as 'it's the way he is and he likes it that way'. Talking to him about an issue can either go one of two ways 1. He ignores the whole thing as if it were never said. 2. (if a word or tone hits him wrong) He blows up curses and yells... then ignores the whole thing as if it were never said. Actually the conversation I described above about him asking if I want him to move out went pretty well considering I didn't end up getting cursed and yelled at. And what I put down there was about ALL there was to the conversation. (I find that strange as compaired to anyone other than him). I don't like to put in to a conversation any more than necessary with him becouse the wrong word will set off him blowing up and me being upset. I can only handlg so much stress befoe I end up pulled down into a bad depression. So you can see how us working out a negotiation just dosn't happen. It ends up being take the situation however it is or get away from it. He's just not open to hearing anything . (or talking about anything for that matter). I end up feeling that I have no say in my own house becouse whatever I say isn't heard anyway. Which brings me to where I am now I guess.... him going.

The way he is with my son is anything from ignoreing him even if it's a serious issue to blowing up at him for no reason at all. For instance the worst incodence I have ever had with my son the time he seemed to 'disapear'. It was the time he ended up haveing sex with the 19 y/o girl. I was running around, calling people, freekin out trying to find my son. His Dad went to bed for a nap. I went to the police station to report him missing. While I was there his Dad called me and told me my son had showed up at home. When I got home my son was there in the living room apparentley waiting for me to see what I had to say to him. He had a hicky on his neck and smelled of smoke. I was like compleatley freeked out...!!! This is my baby here don't know where he's been and with a hicky on his neck!!! OMG! I'm wantin to know what's goin on!! I start talkin to him and askin him questions... Then I say..."wher's your Dad?"... "in there", he says.... " what did he say to you", I asked, ..... "notin ,,, just ask where I been"...I go to my ex. He is in the other room on the computer. "You don't have anything to say to him?".... He shrugs his shoulders and keeps staring at the computer screen. And that's all there was too it from his part. The bad part is the times he dosne say something it's like..."quit actin stupid and get your ****in ass home when your Mom tells you too". Another time my son is standing in the halway and his Dad says something to him.... My son replys with something like..."hu", my son dosn't always catch things the first time and has to have them repeated....... His Dad goes off...."Why are you lookin ****in stupid at me...get into you ****in room and stay there.... Don't come out"....Huuuu? .... what the hell? I'm thinkin. I ask him..."what the hell was that about?"..."he acts ****in stupid ... It pisses me off!"... II'v tried to tell him over and over not to talk to him that way.... but like everything he dosnt listen. When my son is doing something troublsome and I ry to talk to his Dad about it he says..."****in little bastard"... I havn't heard him ever say that around my son. I hope he dosn't. I asked my son "dosn't it bother you how your Dad talkes to you?"... he says..."I'm pretty much used to it cuz he 's been that way all my life" I guess while we wern't living together I didn't see it and didn't know how it was. Now I know if we don't live together it will be that way for my son weather it's in my huse or his Dad's house.

OK I'v really said enough to rmemid myself of all the reasons I really do want him out of here.... A change is just scarry to start off with...... Like right now my basement is flooded cuz its been pouring rain and if the water gets too high in the basement the furnice will be runed. I thought my sump pump had gone out earlies ... the water was getting higher and my heat wasn't comeing on.... turns out my nephew went down there and pluged in the wrong plug instead of the pump sos it's all ok.... but stuff like that is what sorta scares me being on my own