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I need an advice...about living life

BlackCubeIsI said:
I don't know how to live my autistic life. I feel everything got broken. Me too. And I need something new, but I don't know what it is. Maybe you were going through something similar and maybe you can give me an advice.
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BlackCubeIsI said:
I had some behavior pattern and now I need another one
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I'm having trouble figuring out what you want to achieve.
It's clear you want to change, but that's too broad for someone else to make specific suggestions.

Life Goals? Personal Resilience? Understanding NT's? Being understood by NTs? Developing NT-compatible communication and social skills? New relationship? Getting over the old relationship? ...

Those are all very big topics.
 
Hypnalis said:
Life Goals? Personal Resilience? Understanding NT's? Being understood by NTs? Developing NT-compatible communication and social skills? New relationship? Getting over the old relationship? ...
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Personal Resilience I think.
Mostly I want to know how other autistic people make their resilience. And mostly I'm interested in their actions. What do you all do to prevent bad conditions? What does your self-protecting behavior include? How do you resist things you don't like? What consequences do you notice?
 
That's still a lot. I don't think all of them can be addressed via forum posts

This is a possible starting point, because it can be discussed in a forum.
BlackCubeIsI said:
How do you resist things you don't like? What consequences do you notice?
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The briefest possible answers:
1. Learn to say "no".
2. Most of the time refusals are accepted, or you can have a civilized negotiation.
A small proportion of the times you refuse someone, they will become upset. Relationships can be negatively affected or destroyed.

If you can't accept the downsides of (2), forget about (1). You will meet pushback IRL.
(It's actually a key technique that when you refuse you leave space for a balanced negotiation.

I can't figure out the personal dynamics of the relationship you described in your first post, but perhaps this came up. Now, given that the relationship is over, ask yourself of you would have been better off if you'd been more assertive.

I knew someone (long ago) who went to 'Assertiveness Training". There are probably books, online information, and classes readily available.
As she described it, it covered this kind of thing. So "saying no", suggesting or asking for something, negotiating for a compromise, walking something back after "over-asking", etc.

The common thread is politely saying what you want/need in good time, and negotiating to something the other person can also agree to.

Of course there's more to it (e.g. reacting when a Narc is over-stepping, and negotiation isn't working). But I imagine the training starts with polite interactions :)
 
When you are resisting pain, that resistance makes it worse. You are feeling pain and you want it to end NOW. But grief ends fastest when you aren't looking at the pain so much. So, when you resist the pain you keep looking at it over and over again.

Think of it like a bandaid ghat you keep ripping off in hopes that the scab is gone. But every time you rip off the bandaid you are ripping off the scap exposing the wound all over again.

It just takes time to heal. Try not focusing on your grief for a little while. Do something you enjoy, even if you aren't taking pleasure in the activity right now. Do it anyway and simply focus on that thing. Repeat. Over time new thoughts about the events that led to grief will emerge. Those new thoughts may offer relief or even solutions but you have to give you heart, mind, and psyche to heal for the new thoughts to emerge.
 
Captain Caveman said:
Can you make up a new pattern?
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I don't know what is the pattern...that's the problem
Suzette said:
When you are resisting pain, that resistance makes it worse. You are feeling pain and you want it to end NOW. But grief ends fastest when you aren't looking at the pain so much. So, when you resist the pain you keep looking at it over and over again.

Think of it like a bandaid ghat you keep ripping off in hopes that the scab is gone. But every time you rip off the bandaid you are ripping off the scap exposing the wound all over again.

It just takes time to heal. Try not focusing on your grief for a little while. Do something you enjoy, even if you aren't taking pleasure in the activity right now. Do it anyway and simply focus on that thing. Repeat. Over time new thoughts about the events that led to grief will emerge. Those new thoughts may offer relief or even solutions but you have to give you heart, mind, and psyche to heal for the new thoughts to emerge.
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Thank you... That's helpful - I'll try
Maybe I really shouldn't think over and over
The most difficult is to focus
But maybe I should redirect all my efforts to it, not to figuring out how to fix everything)
 
Don't think of your actions as "focus." That action is big to think about. Just think "I am doing this thing now." That's an easier thought.
Honestly, some of the best advice I have ever heard: when all else fails, pet a cat.
That means to just do something pleasurable. Just do something that you don't have to effort at. Petting a cat, or dog or your birds or lizard is effortless.

But when you need to take action, don't worry about being focused or efficient or doing it right. Assume that whatever you are doing is right. Yes, it is good and right to break a few eggs before cracking one easily. This "failure" is practice getting better, that's all.
 
Suzette said:
When you are resisting pain, that resistance makes it worse. You are feeling pain and you want it to end NOW. But grief ends fastest when you aren't looking at the pain so much. So, when you resist the pain you keep looking at it over and over again.

Think of it like a bandaid ghat you keep ripping off in hopes that the scab is gone. But every time you rip off the bandaid you are ripping off the scap exposing the wound all over again.

It just takes time to heal. Try not focusing on your grief for a little while. Do something you enjoy, even if you aren't taking pleasure in the activity right now. Do it anyway and simply focus on that thing. Repeat. Over time new thoughts about the events that led to grief will emerge. Those new thoughts may offer relief or even solutions but you have to give you heart, mind, and psyche to heal for the new thoughts to emerge.
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Think this is a reslly good piece of advise above...maybe think of the healing time as taking some for youself / healing .Maybe find or goto a place that has alittle bit of a long veiw .
Preferably of a nature veiw .. no matter where it is ,go and have a few cups of tea or coffee.
And let your mind drift. if it drifts to the things you have concerns about , Then let it, if not overwelmed just recover repeat as needed but do not attach a urgent schedule to doing this .
Then let your mind start mulling over various courses of action that might fit for you. if you have any older relatives, that may have passed on . Perhaps dwell on them for a few moments, ( think what they might have advised you ,had they still been alive . And weird as it sounds think of being grateful to them for having been in your life .Whilst being in that spot ,where nature appears lovely to you. And your brain is drifting.
These are just suggestions ,things I used to do once a week on Sundays, Whilst having
a coffee to go and a scone,while at a car park that had a excellent but not too high veiw over a heavily wooden residential area. Ovelooking the treetops and the horizon. While dwelling on old friends that had gone before,me and eventually feeling grateful for them having existed. ( Perhaps better to veiw things from a position of Gratefulness then a position of stress .)
 
@BlackCubeIsI

Just listening to the U2 song, thought of your thread, and I'm wondering if you found what you're looking for?.

From my perspective you seem to be more interested in the tactical goal of "getting over" your ex.
It seems that would be a good place to start (not to wait until its complete OFC, but the process can be faster or slower).

FWIW:
* Don't "look back" - it slows things down
* Don't seek vengeance. That harms you
* Time heals.

If you're on "time heals", a good thing to do is start on item 2 on your list :)
 
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