I Met a Boy and Would Like Understand Him

[FindingComfort]

Hi, I am new here. I have met the most lovely man online who almost right away admitted he is high functioning on the autism spectrum, this is my first engagement with anyone on the spectrum - but when he said it about a week in, our initial conversations and the way he spoke after that made sense. Thankful he told me right away so I could just have compassion and "overlook" how he says things, just him being him. Anyway...I have been told I am not on the spectrum and lean more with ADD/disorganized thoughts but BOY I never felt so relatable to anyone in all my life until I met him. The way he communicates and thinks and treats others, I don't know. I didn't know that after 31 years it would take meeting someone on the spectrum to finally feel less alone.

We have hit a few snags in our communications, mostly when we are struggling mentally - we both met each other at a time he was coming out of a low spell and I just got hit with one. I guess, I would like some help learning how to speak with him. Example: earlier this week my mentality wasn't well and I told him I needed some space (for us) so I don't say anything wrong to him. He thought I was ending things! *sad face* My situation is a tad more complicated than this, a little embarassing I suppose, so I don't want to write a long post. If anyone has advice for communicating please share here. For anyone who would like more of those details on our unique situation, please send me a private conversation and I would feel more comfortable sharing the rest of he and I's story there.

 

[Slightly]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum.

Advice for both of you.

IMO the trick will be to be very clear with each other. One major problem is misunderstandings. Both of you should always be honest, never assume the reason behind something, never read between the lines, especially never hide your hurt, and never 'play games' in your relationship.

Especially when it's hard and awkward, ask why, what was meant. If something hurts you, address it (as calmly as you can) and make sure to discuss it. Often what you hear won't be what was intended. Sometimes it'l like playing 'telephone' but with only two people.

Consider a communication tool like council with a peace stick. A really good and short manual can be found in 'Talking Stick: Peacemaking as a Spiritual Path' by Stephan Beyer.

Good luck!

 

[Hypnalis]

It's surprisingly difficult for an NT to learn to communicate with an Aspie.

Amusingly, the difficulty starts with denial that there is a fundamental difference

My current theory is that this has a real foundation in evolutionary psychology, and is related to the well-known differences between M and F communication styles. It's such a mess, it seems reasonable to assume there's an evolutionary purpose to it being as it is.

Either way, generally NT's reluctantly accept that M's and F's do communicate differently.
The NT-ND gap is about the same size, but the details are very different.

 

[Tom]

I think you need to talk to him about it. When a person says they need some space, it might just mean that or (frequently) it might be the candy coating preceding the break away. I can see why he might be unsure of what it meant.

 

[trustinnerwisdom]

There are a bunch of methods, concepts, books, websites and so on, but the smoothest for my couple clients have been to build their own version (maybe also out from a book/method they like).
And be clear about your/their needs, expectations, longings, wants and desires too - both for yourself and others.
What is it that makes you choose to feel less alone ?
What is it that you have been lacking for so long ?
In which ways may that person serves your journey forward? And opposite?

 

[FindingComfort]

I think you need to talk to him about it. When a person says they need some space, it might just mean that or (frequently) it might be the candy coating preceding the break away. I can see why he might be unsure of what it meant.

I did not see it that way and makes sense, I am not a games playing girl so I forget that things like “I need some space it’s me not you” could be a sugar coat nail on the coffin. My own disorganized social skills make me riddled with anxiety trying to put my feelings into words for him properly. And on the spectrum or not, modern dating just sucks so I mainly didn’t know if there was a specific way to have those “feelings on the table he may reject me anyway” conversation but knowing theres an extra layer of very detailed and clear communication so he isn’t left assuming or misunderstanding. I just want to explain myself to him in a way that may help clarify so I can try to backtrack what I initially said to him about needing space. Because him understanding me and how I am wired is just as important (I belive) for our friendship. I just clam up…

 

[FindingComfort]

There are a bunch of methods, concepts, books, websites and so on, but the smoothest for my couple clients have been to build their own version (maybe also out from a book/method they like).
And be clear about your/their needs, expectations, longings, wants and desires too - both for yourself and others.
What is it that makes you choose to feel less alone ?
What is it that you have been lacking for so long ?
In which ways may that person serves your journey forward? And opposite?

 

[FindingComfort]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum.

Advice for both of you.

IMO the trick will be to be very clear with each other. One major problem is misunderstandings. Both of you should always be honest, never assume the reason behind something, never read between the lines, especially never hide your hurt, and never 'play games' in your relationship.

Especially when it's hard and awkward, ask why, what was meant. If something hurts you, address it (as calmly as you can) and make sure to discuss it. Often what you hear won't be what was intended. Sometimes it'l like playing 'telephone' but with only two people.

Consider a communication tool like council with a peace stick. A really good and short manual can be found in 'Talking Stick: Peacemaking as a Spiritual Path' by Stephan Beyer.

Good luck!

That entire middle paragraph! We both feel like idiots when we realize it was miscommunication. Luckily it doesn’t take us long to. Also, he is British (I American) so we have a complicated layer of common words that have different meanings to our country.

It is hard! Especially the awkward conversations. I will look into your suggested material. Thank you!

 

[FindingComfort]

There are a bunch of methods, concepts, books, websites and so on, but the smoothest for my couple clients have been to build their own version (maybe also out from a book/method they like).
And be clear about your/their needs, expectations, longings, wants and desires too - both for yourself and others.
What is it that makes you choose to feel less alone ?
What is it that you have been lacking for so long ?
In which ways may that person serves your journey forward? And opposite?

I like these questions for me to ponder so I can relay my responses to him. Since you work with couples, I will ask: how do I navigate how modern dating is for me vs him? I know he will say things literally and take things literally, so how do I read up on what (to me) seems like mixed signals? He says we are good friends but the words he uses to express his appreciation/affection for me in his life sounds like more than friendly feelings. “My life is more fulfilled with you, you make me feel safe, you find something deeper in me no one else has.” Is that just a friend talking to a friend?

And yes I know I am directly asking you and not him. Patience with me

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am going to generalize and be brief here, so some of what I say here may or may not apply:
1. Many men and autistics tend to speak in "direct language" versus many women and neurotypicals tend to speak in "indirect language". Indirect language has somehow gotten interpreted as non-confrontational, nice, polite, etc. whereas direct language may be interpreted as blunt, to-the-point, rude, etc. If you want to confuse and frustrate an autistic individual, speak in indirect language by "dancing around" a question or topic in hopes he will understand the hints you are attempting him to understand. Epic fail ahead. You can be very nice, polite, and considerate and still use direct language with him. It goes both ways. He will likely use direct language with you, and your initial reaction might be that it was blunt or rude, but it just might be his way. DO NOT try to "read between the lines" when someone is being direct with you. "So, what you're saying is,..." STOP. "What do you mean by that?" STOP. He means exactly what he said, and don't take it as something else. It took my wife years to get used to it, now she is getting comfortable using it, as well.
2. Human communication is highly complex. There is a lot going on. Facial micro expressions, subtle body language, changes in the pitch of the voice and cadence, etc. that most neurotypicals and women tend to pick up and understand, even in early childhood. However, I am in my mid-50's, been married for 36 years, and I still struggle to understand how my wife thinks and what she means some times. If she is quietly upset or disappointed in me, I may never know. She can drop all the hints in the world, and I won't recognize them. I am forced to ask if I have a sense that something is "off". I know, I don't know, so that's handy information to operate on. Conversely, I often get the "Oh, I thought you would have done...." and I will commonly just look at her like she had three heads and respond with "What on Earth would make you think that?" Translation, SHE would have done "that" because she was operating on HER perspective, not mine. SHE was expecting me to do something, but when I didn't, comments like these are letting me know I should have. Again, indirect language that I don't understand in the moment. It may take me minutes or even days to understand these little miscommunications.
3. Many of the so-called "high-functioning"/Asperger's/ASD-1 autistics may be quite intelligent in some ways, even have special talents, and yet can be rather childlike in other ways. One the hallmarks of the condition is "asymmetrical intelligences". "How can you be so smart, and so dumb at the same time?" Many of us would like to find a partner that has similar interests and personalities as us, but I have realized that it may be quite the opposite. Find a partner, that in many ways, is opposite than you. Complement each other, divide and conquer tasks, use a team approach, "You do this, and I will do that." for the betterment of the relationship. She reigns me in on some things, and I do the same to her on other things. When she has a talent for something, I am the one pushing from the rear, and vice-versa. Team approach.

 

[FindingComfort]

I am going to generalize and be brief here, so some of what I say here may or may not apply:
1. Many men and autistics tend to speak in "direct language" versus many women and neurotypicals tend to speak in "indirect language". Indirect language has somehow gotten interpreted as non-confrontational, nice, polite, etc. whereas direct language may be interpreted as blunt, to-the-point, rude, etc. If you want to confuse and frustrate an autistic individual, speak in indirect language by "dancing around" a question or topic in hopes he will understand the hints you are attempting him to understand. Epic fail ahead. You can be very nice, polite, and considerate and still use direct language with him. It goes both ways. He will likely use direct language with you, and your initial reaction might be that it was blunt or rude, but it just might be his way. DO NOT try to "read between the lines" when someone is being direct with you. "So, what you're saying is,..." STOP. "What do you mean by that?" STOP. He means exactly what he said, and don't take it as something else. It took my wife years to get used to it, now she is getting comfortable using it, as well.
2. Human communication is highly complex. There is a lot going on. Facial micro expressions, subtle body language, changes in the pitch of the voice and cadence, etc. that most neurotypicals and women tend to pick up and understand, even in early childhood. However, I am in my mid-50's, been married for 36 years, and I still struggle to understand how my wife thinks and what she means some times. If she is quietly upset or disappointed in me, I may never know. She can drop all the hints in the world, and I won't recognize them. I am forced to ask if I have a sense that something is "off". I know, I don't know, so that's handy information to operate on. Conversely, I often get the "Oh, I thought you would have done...." and I will commonly just look at her like she had three heads and respond with "What on Earth would make you think that?" Translation, SHE would have done "that" because she was operating on HER perspective, not mine. SHE was expecting me to do something, but when I didn't, comments like these are letting me know I should have. Again, indirect language that I don't understand in the moment. It may take me minutes or even days to understand these little miscommunications.
3. Many of the so-called "high-functioning"/Asperger's/ASD-1 autistics may be quite intelligent in some ways, even have special talents, and yet can be rather childlike in other ways. One the hallmarks of the condition is "asymmetrical intelligences". "How can you be so smart, and so dumb at the same time?" Many of us would like to find a partner that has similar interests and personalities as us, but I have realized that it may be quite the opposite. Find a partner, that in many ways, is opposite than you. Complement each other, divide and conquer tasks, use a team approach, "You do this, and I will do that." for the betterment of the relationship. She reigns me in on some things, and I do the same to her on other things. When she has a talent for something, I am the one pushing from the rear, and vice-versa. Team approach.

I like this and I agree with #1. It's one of the reasons I finally feel less alone with him. I still struggle with my own direct communication because of my own reasons for stunted social development, but I always knew I needed a person who would be literal with me. I get so confused when people make me read between the lines, so I love how he communicates. And I think it takes me time to know that even though texting in my NT modern dating world isn't considered good because you can't convey everything properly and things can get lost in translation, it helps him because in HIS world it's how he can say things effectively/comfortably. I guess? Again, new with him

So for #2, I think I just need to work on my personal insecurities with awkward conversations. Because it won't be beneficial to either of us. Honestly, I think he just wants to be friends which is a downer for me but I don't want to let him go because we both haven't met anyone who we relate to so much. I say that because I mentioned mixed signals in another comment on this post and I just need to keep reminding myself that that's not what Aspies do.

100% agree with #3, that's all I want in any relationship for it to be healthy.

 

[Tom]

I know it's going off topic, but some other thread made me realize how complicated human relationships can be. I was reading up on my favorite spider and read that in many spider species the female is bigger then the male and may try to eat the male after mating. I had thought it was just the Black Widow spider which is how it got it's name. And as horrible as it sounds it does make sense in a way as the male is providing for his future young. Not that the males see it that way as they often instinctivly run for dear life after making.... but now that I think about it, some human males do the same. Nature is funny sometimes.

 

[FindingComfort]

I know it's going off topic, but some other thread made me realize how complicated human relationships can be. I was reading up on my favorite spider and read that in many spider species the female is bigger then the male and may try to eat the male after mating. I had thought it was just the Black Widow spider which is how it got it's name. And as horrible as it sounds it does make sense in a way as the male is providing for his future young. Not that the males see it that way as they often instinctivly run for dear life after making.... but now that I think about it, some human males do the same. Nature is funny sometimes.

Nature and human relationships UGH such a puzzle to figure out no matter where we are developmentally. I just want to love everyone as best I can