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I Keep MESSING UP!

HelloDizzy

HelloDizzy

Bed-Cookie
V.I.P Member
Okay, I need help.

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months. We met on a Jewish dating site one year ago.
He is extremely normal other than bouts of depression about not being able to find a job (26 year old accountant.)
I even moved from Louisiana to New York to be with him. This is the person I want to be with. We live together with his family.


HOWEVER - we have some turbulence in the relationship. It's my fault. He doesn't want to marry someone who isn't emotionally stable - but I have just come from a very difficult life where many people I love have died, I've been shot at, I've had eating disorders, been very bullied, etc. Bigass sob story.
I am a self-injurer. I stopped for a long time, been going on since I was 12. Lately it's been happening again - I told him about one cut, but the past two times (all in the same week) I have kept secret.
I'm going to get found out when sex happens again.
So I have to pretend now, I realize, to be more okay than I am. I don't like not being totally open with my partner.

Another issue - he calls me a robot. He thinks I'm depressed all the time because I'm placid-faced, blank. Emotionless. I am not emotionless, I can actually be kind of needy in a relationship.
Last night we were watching South Park and at the same time I was on the computer, chatting and doing research. Multi-tasking. Suddenly he turns off the TV and starts talking about how rude I am, and I'm just now aware of how to be respectful, and it turned into a HUGE fight where, to keep me from leaving the room, he pulled my frog pillow (treasured stuffed animal my mom gave me, I carry it all over the house) and I took it as a hostile threat so I grabbed him by the arms and came across as very violent.

He threatened to call the asylum on me.

Things like this happen too often. I NEVER blame my behavior on my Aspergers but this is what causes a lot of it. I can NOT jeprodize this relationship. The other day my therapist called the asylum on me, saying I was suicidal, so I was taken away in an ambulance and my boyfriend came with me and we were there for over 5 hours. He got frustrated. Very.
It's my fault he's in these situations with me, being a psycho or whatever.

Any advice?
 
From what I understand is that he kinda knew what he was getting himself into with you... and I do not mean this by making you look bad or anything. You're just you. But in a way I think he's coming to realisation that you're more than he can handle. There's a lot of stuff that he at first has no problem with, and now kinda figures "I don't want this to be the rest of our life... I can deal with this for a few months, but not forever".

I can kinda relate to not being able to be open with a partner out of fear of losing him (or in my case her). That at some point is more and more of a problem and that somehow will end up in breaking up, especially if you know that either one of the partys is being judgmental and not just listen, help and think through for solutions, then I'm inclined to say it's not your problem, but rather his. Besides, I don't think you should put yourself in the vulnerable position... sure, you moved halfway the country and live with him, but that doesn't exclude you from having rights and liberties to speak your mind in your relationship... but it feels like you're kinda afraid that if the relationship ends you have to move back where you lived before. That, actually is quite realistic, but to be honest... you already figured this truth out yourself so that's a choice you have to make... are you willing to make a possible sacrifice in losing your current place of residence for the chance to have a comfy relationship.

As for the asylum deals... if you actually yourself think you are a hazard to yourself and that you might kill yourself, then yes... it's kinda "right" this happened. Yet, with your stories (and other stuff you posted on this forum), I can't justify that it's something "new".. if he's with you, he kinda knew this up front... unless of course you didn't tell him your "issues".

And as for the pillow thing.. that's just rude. Yes, I can see how he wants to have your attention, but (while I don't have a pillow/stuffed animal or such I cling to) I can see that for people that cling to it, it's the equivalent of punching one in the face/shoving someone to the floor. You (he) can't expect that you keep your cool, especially cause he sees/knows that you're attached to such things and kinda "need" them.

But yeah, like I said.. it kinda feels like he's at this point where he thinks/hopes "it's gonna change" but does see that that's not likely...

So, what should you do? I'd say, talk to him... or at least try to, in an orderly manner (I don't know your BF, and how laid back he is and how fast he gets upset if you wanna talk). At least try to clear everything that's a roadblock now... perhaps he'll tell you that it's all too much for him to be with you like this... that's an ugly truth, but at least, that's something you could work with... and consider what you both (or you alone) are going to do.
 
Well, first of all I have to stop acting like a baby and become more aware of what is acceptable behavior in a relationship.
I AM at fault.
No one should have to deal with someone who isn't attentive regardless of Aspergers. He has recently learned more about the condition so he doesn't get as mad as he normally would.


As far as the self-injury and whatnot...a hospital would only make me worse. And I did get found out. Like, an hour ago =/
*sigh*
No normal human being would out up with me the way I am now.
"Robot."
"Violent."
"Textbook."
"Blankfaced."
"Mentally unstable."
 
I still don't think you should blame yourself... what I'm actually wondering; why are you in a relationship? Is it something you really, really want? For the sake of being around someone? The reason I wonder is because I've had my short periods in the past year where I really was not interested in having a relationship because I kinda knew that being with someone would be kinda hard for that other person.

The fact that he's still getting mad... meh, I don't know. At some point I'd kinda figure "allright, this is how she wants to be, fine"... and if that would be way to much out of line for me, I'd tell you to either change or we'd be done.

Where you state that you feel you should behave "acceptable" and that you think no one should deal with someone who isn't attentive. Where do these ideas stem from? Do you really want to fit in the ideal? You're just you. I'm not saying you shouldn't try anything, but if the way you are is you, so be it. Does being yourself upset you, or does it upset you because you feel it upsets other people and therefore want to act more in line for them?

Unstable... you are on meds and all, from what I've read... seems kinda odd. Violent, meh... might depend on a cause more.

Srsly... I might look like an optimist who doesn't think you're wrong and all, but I don't think that being negative myself helps in giving out advice... so that's a "disclaimer" of sorts from my side if you think I'm taking it lightly.
 
I've just heard this song and it's made me think of you... sorry if you don't like it :)

 
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I do want to be in a relationship - which is why I joined Frumster (the dating site) last December to begin with. I also didn't realize how invasive my issues might be or that they would worsen after the murder of my best friends a few months ago from back in Louisiana.

If I expect someone to be attentive to me, I should also be attentive. I'm just not always aware that I'm being "rude."
He has accepted that I have Aspergers and that my high IQ can make me go into "genius madness" at times, which he actually seems to find to be an endearing quality. I have told him that if he wants some cackling idiot of a "normal" girlfriend, to dump me now because I'll never be that.
MY problem is that before meeting this person, everyone else would deal with ANY stupid thing I did, or ANY issue, and would jump through hoops to get/keep me. Of course, these people were also teenagers/early 20's, and this person is 26. So he isn't going to just put up with things that aren't what he prefers for the sake of infatuation.

For the most part, our relationship is good. I've worked on talking more, he's worked on paying more attention to me instead of staring at the Stock Market. Last night he just stated that he wants me to get better, for the anxiety to decrease, and that when I feel like self-injuring, to tell him so he can prevent it. I gave him my knife collection to hide from me.
The only reason I'm on meds is actually due to the extreme social anxiety. I don't need or take anti-depressants or anything else.
 
I like the song! It fits how I feel about all of this very well. I shall now download it lol
Thank you.
 
Hey Dizzy, me again. Alright, I think I might know a lot about what's going on here, and I think I can help you. First, you said you live with his family. In my experience, that is going to put pressure on your relationship [his parents may or may not want you in the house. I don't know what the rules in Jewish families are, but I imagine that having an extra person to take care of, especially one who isn't part of the family, pressures them in their relationship with both you and him. They'd probably also want you and him out of the house and on your own sooner or later, especially since he's 26, as you said. I have no idea if this is right or not, and its a complete guess, but its just what I foresee your situation would be like based on what I've seen both in my own life and on TV].

Now, first off, you need to stop saying that everything wrong here is your fault. Its not, and I can tell that from simply reading your description of the situation. For example, your boyfriend seems to be one of those people who tries to "fix" the person he's in a relationship with, and you seem to not like that, even though you're going along with it because of your desperate desire to stay with him. He seems very controlling, like he wants you to act the way he wants you to, and that you're wrong if you don't. This seems to be where the problem between you and him is coming from. He wants you to act a certain way, and although you're trying to go along with it, your attachment to your personality traits, mannerisms, and habits is making it difficult to change them. The thing both of you are forgetting is that a relationship is a two-way street. It doesn't work if you're the only one giving, and he's only taking. He needs to be doing more of his fair share in the relationship by backing off a bit on all the fixes he thinks he needs to make to you, and actually make some effort to fulfill some of your needs as well. I realize I was being a little overly absolutionist there, but its essentially true, at least to a degree.

Another thing is, that you say that he's essentially mocking you for the traits he knows full well are part of your mental conditions is something I think crosses a line. There's a point where joking and constructive criticism end and cut-downs and attacks begin. I think you need to make it very clear to him that it is completely unacceptable for him to insult you because of your conditions. Its going too far. Period. You cannot allow him to do that.

On the other hand though, part of the reason he thinks those things is because you are also not communicating enough with him. If you don't tell him what you're thinking and feeling, he won't know, and you can't expect him to. Therefore, when you act on those thoughts and feelings, if he doesn't know what they are, you might come across as nonsensical or "mentally unstable." Part of your end of the deal as someone in a relationship who has mental conditions, is that you need to communicate with your partner what's going on with you mentally, so that he can actually know how to help you. I think if you did that you'd find your relationship with him would improve a lot.

With the cutting thing, its not right for you to just hide it from him [I don't mean that morally, I mean that in the sense that lovers should be open with each other, and that ], and its not enough for him to just prevent you from doing it. As your partner, its his obligation to actually take on some responsibility for helping you through your problems, including cutting. You should explain to him why it is you cut yourself, and together the two of you, along with your therapist if you want, should work together in getting you through it. Or hell, if you actually like doing it, and as long as you're not endangering yourself, maybe you don't even have to stop at all. Do whatever provides you with the best quality of life, and if cutting yourself makes you happy, go for it. Just make sure not to get carried away and actually endanger your life.

And then, with him taking away your pillow, that was not okay for him to do. It was a dick move at the very least. I would have punched him if he did that to me with something I cared about. Then again, considering that you're young people in a relationship who are living together, this kind of stuff is to be expected. Real life romance isn't like the movies. It's not a perfect "happily ever after" life like the movies make us think it is. You and him are going to fight every now and again, and that's going to be true with anyone you get into a relationship with.

Then, like King_Oni said, don't conform to what you think is "acceptable" behavior. It won't work, and its not healthy to try it. Just be yourself, but just be what you think is the best version of yourself you can ["play to your better angels," as they say]. Actually going against your nature however is not something you should do [except maybe on occasion for a few minutes while you're dealing with authority figures like the cops or a bank]. If I haven't said this to you already, I'll say it now. You are a beautiful, wonderful, and kind person. You don't need to change yourself for someone to love you. Hell, I considered asking you out until I found out you had a boyfriend [one of my rules is that I will not ask out anyone who is already in a relationship. Its part of my ideal of living my life by my own code of honor].

I'm also really sorry to hear about all that stuff you had to go through. I've actually been going through the worst three months of my life lately, but even what I've been going through now doesn't seem all that bad when I hear about the stuff you've gone through. That you were able to come out of horrible things like that just shows how truly strong you are.

I apologize if that sounded like flirting, or if I was being too harsh on your boyfriend. I admit that I don't know the specifics of your situation with him, as all I really know is what you've said in these posts, and the others of yours I've seen. All I can do is filter that through my own knowledge, and tell you what conclusions I can make from that analysis. The reason I was complimenting you so much in that post is that, in addition to the fact that I really do believe those things, you are clearly being pessimistic about yourself and your situation, and you need someone to tell you how nice and good a person you are.

Sincerely, your friend. RavenSly.
 
RavenSly - It is an orthodox household so me being here is slightly "bending the religious rules" but no one seems to mind me being here except one person, who doesn't really matter. They would rather us live in the house with THEM than move out un-married together. However, as soon as financially possible, an apartment will be happening hopefully.

I do at times feel like it's a "fixing" issue, which I've brought up. To take one of my favorite lines from an Evanescence song, "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken." I refuse to be "fixed" in areas which aren't bad. Then again, to ME, nearly everything is subjective - I'll argue if cutting is really bad, I'll argue about my eating habits, I'll argue whether my violent nature is truly WRONG. And no Testament is going to sway my logistic approach to things. Not these days. I'm not willing to pretend to be what I'm not.
I don't feel like I ask for a lot, as if dealing with me isn't a lot. All I ask is not to provoke my severe jealousy, which has been deemed "unhealthy." I don't see it going away anytime soon but it's one of those things that will make me take a few extra valium and make a few extra slices on my leg.
I don't hide much. He's read all of my novels, even, which I don't let people in my waking life do - it's a gateway to my mind.
He knows about my weird interests (serial killers and whatnot) which I am often hesitant about mentioning.

When I posted "Do You Feel Like An Alien?" I let him read the post. I try my best to explain what it's like on my end. And why I self-injure. but I suppose unless you have dealt with it, you're not going to get it.
We have had DRASTICALLY different lives.

Thank you for your insight and support, and don't worry, it didn't come across as flirtatious haha I wouldn't know flirting if it punched me in the face seven times.
=)

Dizzy
 
You seem like you're trying to assign blame, mostly to yourself. Why, Dizzy? Relationships have ups and downs. Every couple fights. Its healthy, it resolves issues. But that doesnt sound like a lovers quarrel. It sounds like relentless insults. He knows about the Aspergers and other things so he should be so much more understanding. It'd be normal for him to get frustrated, but thats not frustration. Thats just trying to hurt you it seems like. I agree with RavenSly, the way he seems to talk to you is intolerable. Im not trying in any way to talk badly about your boyfriend. It's his actions that are unacceptable. You can find much better, Dizzy. Whether its a happier form of the current relationship or something in the future.
 
Sometimes I think he has an anger problem. He also "feels" more than he "thinks" and bases his actions and words on his feelings.
The past week or so has actually been pretty nice but I don't doubt it's a matter of time before I "mess up" again. It's Friday 13th so probably tonight lol.

I'm not really in the mood to alter myself for someone else. I've also been accused of being an alcoholic so I'm limited to drinking wine once a week on Shabbat. Then again, when I'm 21, I can buy whatever I want.
The most recent thing is me not brushing my teeth well enough or my mouth not smelling good all the time. Some of the medicine I'm on causes my mouth to be funky AND I brush my teeth 3-5 times a day. I don't need a parental figure.

=/
 
I am a ex self harmer. It started one day, out of the blue. I didn't feel loved in my relationship, went upstairs and got my razor and took it out on my legs. I didn't think my boyfriend would accept me. I thought he would dump me because I was unstable. One day, he asked what was wrong. I took him somewhere private, pulled up my trouser leg and showed him those gashes. Those seconds felt like years. Then he took me in his arms and held me. He accepted me. If this guy cannot accept your problem and support you through it, is he really worth it? The reason I stopped harming is because my boyfriend made me swear to never do it again. And I never picked up that razor again and considered doing it. You need to talk to him. His reaction is what you base your future with him on.
 
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