I hit rock bottom (this is a dark post)

[Dreadful Dante]

I shy away from those who say they love me because I was brainwashed to believe love includes being relentlessly cruel to the target (aka person loved).
I cannot handle anyone coming into my life giving me unconditional love because when younger (childhood and teens) I was severely psychologically tortured into thinking I'm unlovable garbage.

Now this is all piling up inside me like poison and I spill it on whomever comes close. I'm alone, lonely, nobody loves me, I have two friends that I keep in touch with through the web, but it's not enough.

Last year I had a dozen women after me and I simply avoided them after the carnal events, because I wanted more, better, hotter, smarter, women became trophies, no longer people with complexity. I cannot accept I'm a lovable human being, I cannot accept I'm even a human being worthy of attention.

I thought of going back to therapy with the only person who has ever met the dark side of me and wasn't absolutely freaked out, but I don't feel like I'm worthy of her time. Even if I pay a large sum of money to go there once a week, I still think I'd be a waste of her time.

I hit rock bottom. My family has travelled, some have moved to another state, I'm glad those pricks can get out of my face even if it's only for a week.

I'm unworthy of love, unworthy of even a drunk man's attention. I've learned from childhood I was supposed to better myself to deserve love and attention. Now I exercise every day, skip rope like Rocky Balboa, speak four languages, do mental math well, I'm fun to hang out with because I've become a conversational wizard, but it all comes down to me trying to be worthy of love. I always want more, I always want to be more, to sleep with hotter women, to seek out the best courses, the best certificates, I'm relentlessly determined and that has become my biggest weakness, because I never stop, people started to notice that and have now gotten out of my way so I don't crush them with my cold-hearted straight-forward objective answers as if they were just one more puny obstacle in the way of my achievements.

Who have I become? Something, not someone.

I don't have the strength to climb up this well I'm in.

 

[Joel's Hear]

Have you ever thought about writing dramatic one-act plays?

Therapists are trained to pretend to understand you.

You are worthy of a drunk man's attention, and (IMDO) so much more.

It IS impossible to climb out of the well of self pity, loathing, superiority/inferiority feelings that aren't your fault (the world has been fd a lot longer than you've been alive). Resign yourself to your clear and present doom and something or someone will pull you out.

 

[Dreadful Dante]

Have you ever thought about writing dramatic one-act plays?

Therapists are trained to pretend to understand you.

You are worthy of a drunk man's attention, and (IMDO) so much more.

It IS impossible to climb out of the well of self pity, loathing, superiority/inferiority feelings that aren't your fault (the world has been fd a lot longer than you've been alive). Resign yourself to your clear and present doom and something or someone will pull you out.

I've written poetry since I was a kid. Just now I turned my misery into a poem, if it wasn't in my mother tongue, I could put a section of it in here.

About the therapist, I've been to many, this one was different, more human, more personal, she'd actually throw in some things about herself in the talks we had and didn't keep the dreaded pokerface throughout the entire thing.

There was no fear, no confusion, she genuinely cared for me and still do. My mommy projection made it weird for me, though.

Thanks for your kind words, I do appreaciate them an indefinite ammount.

 

[Jane Smith]

Therapists aren't really "pretending" to understand you. They DO understand you. They have medical degrees and have had to have years of education to prove it.

I suggest you keep going! I was in a pretty dark place in my life, and therapy helped a lot. It's hard, but you're not alone!

 

[Dreadful Dante]

Therapists aren't really "pretending" to understand you. They DO understand you. They have medical degrees and have had to have years of education to prove it.

I suggest you keep going! I was in a pretty dark place in my life, and therapy helped a lot. It's hard, but you're not alone!

College is taking up the time I'd be working to pay for therapy, it's also taking up the time I should be living at all.

As soon as I graduate, I will be back

Edit: I agree with your affirmation about therapists' understanding of patients.

 

[Joel's Hear]

Therapists aren't really "pretending" to understand you. They DO understand you. They have medical degrees and have had to have years of education to prove it.

I suggest you keep going! I was in a pretty dark place in my life, and therapy helped a lot. It's hard, but you're not alone!

I have met mental health professionals who care nothing for the patient at all, and are in the field for entirely personal (selfish) reasons. I have also met professionals who toil tirelessly to better the lives of those who seek their aid. Both types have had paper degrees hanging in their offices

 

[Dreadful Dante]

I have met mental health professionals who care nothing for the patient at all, and are in the field for entirely personal (selfish) reasons. I have also met professionals who toil tirelessly to better the lives of those who seek their aid. Both types have had paper degrees hanging in their offices

I believe you are correct as well, I've seen it happen more than I would like.

 

[SusanLR]

Getting better, hotter women and the best that life has to offer doesn't make you more worthy of love
and if it makes you feel better about yourself it's only for a while.
I don't see the world as a place where someone will come along and pull you out of that well of self loathing.

I'm the opposite of you.
I see myself as worthy. No problem with thinking I am less than others.
Just reverse it. I see the world as fickle and unable to trust their sincerity.
That equals lonliness also.

As far as therapists, I've seen some fall asleep while talking to them and others
really seem to be attentive and work with ideas to try to help.
I won't open up to people in general about things that trouble me.
Only talk it out with therapists, because whether they care or are just putting in time for money,
they are at least someone to talk about troubles with.
After all, I've hired them to do so.

 

[onlything]

Too bad you can't show us your poetry due to language barrier. Some of the most beautiful pieces come from most painful experiences.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Too bad you can't show us your poetry due to language barrier. Some of the most beautiful pieces come from most painful experiences.

Only a flower asleep to her beauty can be beautiful.
Every moment which blossoms must die
And,this peace of mind,that I'm trying to find
Is like lying back to question the sky

 

[MrSpock]

You may be right. I don't know you. It sounds like you had a devastating childhood the likes of which many people have, yet none deserve. I know a lady who has had a similar childhood from which she's learned similar 'lessons'. A little about that...

This is not a topic which we've discussed lately, I hope that she's changed her mind a bit. She has in the past told me that although she's a registered nurse and a mother of two wonderful boys she is a failure. She has said that she's undeserving of love, and seems to think that there must be something wrong with me or my perception because I love her.

She has suffered greatly, and has believed that she cannot offer love properly in spite of the fact that she does obviously love her children and expresses this easily and often.

I do love her, and she is so very wrong. I have been after this woman for years now, it has not been a smooth ride. I'm not at all sure that I will succeed in having the relationship I want with her. I don't regret any of the effort I've put forth, and won't even if it never works out. She is worth all that and more. She believes herself to be weak, however she has been carrying a great weight for a very long time, she is not weak but very tired. She is incredibly strong, has to be to be where she is in spite of her past. There is amazing beauty inside her which she does not see, she even refuses to see the outer beauty which is easily seen by others.

There are times when I don't know if I can keep the effort up, when I think that my lack of skill in social relationships dooms me to failure. I have never doubted that she is worth everything. She is wrong, wrong, so very wrong to think that she's not worthy.

I don't know you, maybe you're right. She is wrong. So very, very wrong.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

There are times when I don't know if I can keep the effort up, when I think that my lack of skill in social relationships dooms me to failure. I have never doubted that she is worth everything. She is wrong, wrong, so very wrong to think that she's not worthy.

I don't know you, maybe you're right. She is wrong. So very, very wrong.

Have you ever tried reverse psychology?

Yeh. Agree with her.

High risk perhaps.

Sometimes it's trying to go beyond peoples expectations to give them a shock.
To stop the habit.

I'm sure you've tried many things.

Ultimately she has to decide for herself.

People are the weight they want.

They also have the self image they want .

Often through self choice . It's just hard to see that sometimes.

" I'm Mr Spock and I'm far worse than you. I'm hopeless,the worst of everything."

You tried that one?

Karpman drama triangle..?

 

[Dreadful Dante]

You may be right. I don't know you. It sounds like you had a devastating childhood the likes of which many people have, yet none deserve. I know a lady who has had a similar childhood from which she's learned similar 'lessons'. A little about that...

This is not a topic which we've discussed lately, I hope that she's changed her mind a bit. She has in the past told me that although she's a registered nurse and a mother of two wonderful boys she is a failure. She has said that she's undeserving of love, and seems to think that there must be something wrong with me or my perception because I love her.

She has suffered greatly, and has believed that she cannot offer love properly in spite of the fact that she does obviously love her children and expresses this easily and often.

I do love her, and she is so very wrong. I have been after this woman for years now, it has not been a smooth ride. I'm not at all sure that I will succeed in having the relationship I want with her. I don't regret any of the effort I've put forth, and won't even if it never works out. She is worth all that and more. She believes herself to be weak, however she has been carrying a great weight for a very long time, she is not weak but very tired. She is incredibly strong, has to be to be where she is in spite of her past. There is amazing beauty inside her which she does not see, she even refuses to see the outer beauty which is easily seen by others.

There are times when I don't know if I can keep the effort up, when I think that my lack of skill in social relationships dooms me to failure. I have never doubted that she is worth everything. She is wrong, wrong, so very wrong to think that she's not worthy.

I don't know you, maybe you're right. She is wrong. So very, very wrong.

Powerful words, hit close to home, as I've seen it happen a few times before. I used to have a friend who I can safely say is one of the hottest women I have ever seen walk on this Earth in the history of humanity, she won the genetic lottery of the genetic lotteries. She's 41, face looks 23 with a 17yo perfect hour-glass body shape and fitness of a phisically active teen. People literally park their cars just to stare at her, that made her think she's some kind of freak and now firmly believes she's ugly as all hell. Weird world we live in, I'll make sure to do what I have to do ir order to improve.

See? Here I am talking about improving myself again, never ceases to amaze me how I manage to fit that ideal into everything I do, I need a chillpill.

 

[Dreadful Dante]

Have you ever tried reverse psychology?

Yeh. Agree with her.

High risk perhaps.

Sometimes it's trying to go beyond peoples expectations to give them a shock.
To stop the habit.

I'm sure you've tried many things.

Ultimately she has to decide for herself.

People are the weight they want.

They also have the self image they want .

Often through self choice . It's just hard to see that sometimes.

" I'm Mr Spock and I'm far worse than you. I'm hopeless,the worst of everything."

You tried that one?

Karpman drama triangle..?

Been there, done that. My mom has done that since I was born. She'd respond with "YOU'RE GOING TO EAT, there's someone starving to death outside if you don't want it" to my "I'm full". Or "Ok if you don't wanna go to school, but don't complain when they lock you up and drug you in a mental hospital, because only insane and stupid people behave like you're behaving".

She'd fight a trauma with another trauma! Nowadays she is so proud of how well it worked! How oblivious

 

[LucyPurrs]

You may be right. I don't know you. It sounds like you had a devastating childhood the likes of which many people have, yet none deserve. I know a lady who has had a similar childhood from which she's learned similar 'lessons'. A little about that...

This is not a topic which we've discussed lately, I hope that she's changed her mind a bit. She has in the past told me that although she's a registered nurse and a mother of two wonderful boys she is a failure. She has said that she's undeserving of love, and seems to think that there must be something wrong with me or my perception because I love her.

She has suffered greatly, and has believed that she cannot offer love properly in spite of the fact that she does obviously love her children and expresses this easily and often.

I do love her, and she is so very wrong. I have been after this woman for years now, it has not been a smooth ride. I'm not at all sure that I will succeed in having the relationship I want with her. I don't regret any of the effort I've put forth, and won't even if it never works out. She is worth all that and more. She believes herself to be weak, however she has been carrying a great weight for a very long time, she is not weak but very tired. She is incredibly strong, has to be to be where she is in spite of her past. There is amazing beauty inside her which she does not see, she even refuses to see the outer beauty which is easily seen by others.

There are times when I don't know if I can keep the effort up, when I think that my lack of skill in social relationships dooms me to failure. I have never doubted that she is worth everything. She is wrong, wrong, so very wrong to think that she's not worthy.

I don't know you, maybe you're right. She is wrong. So very, very wrong.

What a beautiful and moving post Mr. Spock. I hope you will show it to her.

 

[AO1501]

@MrSpock: You could have been describing my partner, someone so damaged by abuse and diminishment from a lifetime of family and previous partners, that she sees herself as valueless and truly unlovable.

She has been treated with such distain and disparagement than at the first point of a problem, she blames herself and tries to run and hide.

I have known her for a few years, albeit a little distantly, but have got together in the last few months. It's a hard battle sometimes, and it has sometimes been a struggle so far, but well worth it as she begins to discover the part of herself that is strong and capable, and that can love and be loved.

Good people who have been beaten down can always be rescued by those who care deeply enough to stick with them.

Good luck to you!

 

[ksheehan88]

You don't seem dark, you seem lost. I wish I had better things to say, but really I'm stuck in the same kind of loop

 

[Dreadful Dante]

You don't seem dark, you seem lost. I wish I had better things to say, but really I'm stuck in the same kind of loop

You relate to my experience.
Sounds enough to me.

 

[Chance]

You relate to my experience.
Sounds enough to me.

People say that a mass of our lives is formed in the first 6 years of our lives... IF that is true, my greatest hope for all of humanity would be for people to give kids a chance...

ASD is already hard. When a kid is not diagnosed with it (like me) they often are seem as irrational, stubborn, stupid, retarded, and in that can come a mass of abuse. I know, I lived it.

HOWEVER... on a good day I have to realize that I did make it through it, people made a lot of mistakes, some gave up on me, some tried to beat the stupid out of me, BUT I still have CHOICES today.

We are the choices we make, not the choices made for us as kids. Yes, I (we) battle bad memories, but when we let those memories become our PRESENT then we are RELIVING a past event that is no longer actually here... Once I finally got that through my thick head, things got better.

Your not dark... Your hurt and it messed you up, BUT you don't have to be messed up. I strive to find reasonable goals that keep me pointed away from my past, but I also have to be honest and notice that IF I allow it, that nasty past will affect my present and my future.

IF I hate it so bad (which I do) why in a devils hell would I want to ALLOW it to be in today or tomorrow, or ten years from now. I don't want that, and the best way to have that is to not relive it.

Yes we need to get stuff out of us, but once its out put a lock on that mental door. You may have to lock it 50 times a day, but eventually that subconscious programming will start looking for better options since the old memories are no longer being relived.

Its not easy, but with ASD... Nothing is easy. However, maybe with us living life unfiltered 24/7 we actually notice more of LIFE, and about LIFE, than those who just waste it harming other people, and destroying themselves.

I hope you get better soon... There are always choices that turn things in different directions. You are the master of your fate, just take control of what you are thinking about.

This is something I have been working very hard on... I will just STOP and think on what my last thought was, and I am often surprised to find out how often I am (was) reliving a very messed up childhood that I needed answers to why???? There are no answers. Its the past, it is over, and I just feel lucky I'm not in a casket somewhere. Trip up your own mind... Ask it what am I thinking about right now and search it out. You will be surprised at what you find and how useless it is for this present LIFE. : )