I feel awful... But I can't handle other aspies

[Spencer Carr]

I feel so typical in this way because while it's hard for me to understand others all the time, other aspies or autistic folks unnerve me.

Typical people are weird because I can't ever trust what they're saying is how they feel. I take it at face value, but I know that I should be reading for other cues I've learned.

Emotional people are easier because they are hyper expressive. I can understand how to respond to them because they are loud, with body language if not actually being loud.

Aspies and other autistic people... Especially higher on the spectrum, make me straight up defensive. I'm looking for an out of the interaction immediately. They do not follow the rules, they do not behave how they're supposed to, and I can't help but feel uncomfortable.

Part of this is due to early childhood trauma with the daughter of my mom's friend. She is very high spectrum autistic and prone to violent outbursts. She dislocated my thumbs when I was 4, because I wouldn't play "Itsy-bitsy spider." Obviously some of that trauma has been burned into my survival instincts like a phobia, but no matter how much I try, how much I disconnect my emotions from thought, I cannot feel comfortable around the sort of people. I feel awful, like I'm a Jew affraid of Hasidic people (I was raised Jewish).

Is there anyone who also feels this? Any helpful suggestions? Do you think it's the early trauma that I just can't escape without therapy?

 

[CyborgSpaceKitten]

I feel so typical in this way because while it's hard for me to understand others all the time, other aspies or autistic folks unnerve me.

Typical people are weird because I can't ever trust what they're saying is how they feel. I take it at face value, but I know that I should be reading for other cues I've learned.

Emotional people are easier because they are hyper expressive. I can understand how to respond to them because they are loud, with body language if not actually being loud.

Aspies and other autistic people... Especially higher on the spectrum, make me straight up defensive. I'm looking for an out of the interaction immediately. They do not follow the rules, they do not behave how they're supposed to, and I can't help but feel uncomfortable.

Part of this is due to early childhood trauma with the daughter of my mom's friend. She is very high spectrum autistic and prone to violent outbursts. She dislocated my thumbs when I was 4, because I wouldn't play "Itsy-bitsy spider." Obviously some of that trauma has been burned into my survival instincts like a phobia, but no matter how much I try, how much I disconnect my emotions from thought, I cannot feel comfortable around the sort of people. I feel awful, like I'm a Jew affraid of Hasidic people (I was raised Jewish).

Is there anyone who also feels this? Any helpful suggestions? Do you think it's the early trauma that I just can't escape without therapy?

That sounds like a very traumatic experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Are you in a situation where you have to deal with a lot of other Autistic people?

 

[Spencer Carr]

That sounds like a very traumatic experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Are you in a situation where you have to deal with a lot of other Autistic people?

Not particularly, but I have regulars at my store who bring in autistic siblings. I try to be professional and cordial but they make me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm blunt, knowing that sometimes I need that, but that doesn't work and makes me feel like an asshole for being rude.

 

[CyborgSpaceKitten]

That's hard for me to say because as an autistic person I feel like I get along better with people on the Spectrum, but maybe you just need to have more positive experiences with Autistic people. Just try to keep an open mind to other autistic people, because not all of them are going to be violent towards you and dislocate your thumbs. I myself have never encountered a violent autistic person to the point where they actually physically hurt me.

 

[CyborgSpaceKitten]

^^sorry, forgot to quote you.

Not particularly, but I have regulars at my store who bring in autistic siblings. I try to be professional and cordial but they make me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm blunt, knowing that sometimes I need that, but that doesn't work and makes me feel like an asshole for being rude.

 

[Spencer Carr]

That's hard for me to say because as an autistic person I feel like I get along better with people on the Spectrum, but maybe you just need to have more positive experiences with Autistic people. Just try to keep an open mind to other autistic people, because not all of them are going to be violent towards you and dislocate your thumbs. I myself have never encountered a violent autistic person to the point where they actually physically hurt me.

I don't think that all of them have a violent side. Thing is that I can't predict their behavior properly. The parts about them that are symptomatic of being autistic make me unnerved. Tone and pitch, body language, all of it is off from the neurotypicals and it makes me wary, like dealing with an animal you aren't used to. I've gotten along with many spectrum people aspergers and autistic, but just cause I get on doesn't mean I'm not uncomfortable.

I volunteered for Big Brothers in highschool where I ate lunch with kids that have Downs. Hell, I work for an anime convention and Lord knows 90% of my staff and most of the attendies are somewhere on the spectrum if not socially inept.

Maybe it's just that. I'm used to being the one who is at the low end of the curve, so when someone I interact with is even more so, I can't handle it. I've tried for years to expand myself and understand more ways to view a situation, but I can't get over the fact that if I'm honest with myself, I'm immediately uncomfortable.

 

[Gracey]

Could you subconsciously be expecting a surprise outburst? Like you experienced at 4 years old?
With little or no indication coming from the person your watching as to whether or not it's likely to happened is putting you on your guard?

If you're used to watching those that aren't on the spectrum and can work with and around that you'll be picking up information that let's you know all is well. (Body language, intonation)
Take that information away and it's difficult to assess or anticipate what may happen. No clues. You feel uncomfortable?

 

[Spencer Carr]

Could you subconsciously be expecting a surprise outburst? Like you experienced at 4 years old?
With little or no indication coming from the person your watching as to whether or not it's likely to happened is putting you on your guard?

If you're used to watching those that aren't on the spectrum and can work with and around that you'll be picking up information that let's you know all is well. (Body language, intonation)
Take that information away and it's difficult to assess or anticipate what may happen. No clues. You feel uncomfortable?

I think that's the issue. I've had to build this catalogue of how people behave, or at least potential predictable patterns. I mean it's not like I'm some perfect person reader, I don't know how, but I know and am used to certain perameters of response. So, a person who behaves so extremely outside that norm makes me defensive (a good word for it).

It's not that I'm expecting an outburst or meltdown, but that the interaction makes me feel unbalanced. A good example is "choose your dialogue" videogames as well. If I have character knowledge I can respond appropriately, but most times, because I'm not getting body language or other key factors, just voice acting if I'm lucky, I have no idea what to pick and have to use a guide.

It's odd because in a crisis I can control the situation, help redirect a meltdown or situation, and keep people safe and or pacify the person. I've trained myself for de-escalation but not day to day interaction.

 

[Gracey]

I'm just thinking aloud Spencer and am in no way qualified to state with absolute certainty but if one of your most powerful associations or memories of interacting with someone on the spectrum is having your thumbs dislocated at an age where trying to understand why it happened would be difficult, would it stand to reason that until you built up some additional positive associations with very similar people (to that young girl) your memory is all you've got, in the absence of any other clues?

It's the only information you have to date and biased toward the negative possibly triggering awkwardness or feeling uncomfortable?
In my opinion I would see that as a natural response.
Until you have experience or memories that contradict that incident? balance out the associations? One possibly shocking negative against many positives?

 

[MrSpock]

I've not heard of this, and am new to the idea of autism even though I've had it for nearly fifty years now. I've been aware for less than a year. I could easily imagine that you could get better information from someone else, but can also easily imagine that it would be very difficult to find any information that applies, so like Gracey I shall think out loud.

You say that you cannot trust NT's to speak truthfully about their feelings, and it's the fact that people on the spectrum don't display their feelings that (in part at least) makes you feel uncomfortable around them. What if you were to ask us autistic people what we are feeling? Perhaps you could trust the answers and this would help ease your discomfort.

 

[SusanLR]

I find it difficult to trust what anyone says to be truthful and displays of emotions can be an act.
So I find it uncomfortable to be close on a day to day basis with anyone. Whether NT or Asperger.
I've seen too much of this out of people. But, I'm new to being diagnosed and have had little experience with people on the spectrum.

 

[Bella Pines]

Do you think it's the early trauma that I just can't escape without therapy?

There will be a lot of things that you can attest to the trauma. Probably emotional unavailability, lack of trust, anxiety etc. So therapy is more often than not, a very positive thing.

Not being able to handle other aspies, however, is absolutely and completely normal! I am the most aspie of anyone I have ever met to the point that my husband genuinely suspects that I was built in a laboratory somewhere. He jokes about me shorting out when we are swimming.

But I am so uncomfortable around other aspies! There are 3 of us at work and we joke that we would be excellent friends if we didn't all have aspergers!

I don't know why, many reasons I suppose. Firstly they remind me of myself. Things they do make me cringe. Secondly I can't read them. NTs are so simplistic, like keeping pets. But the aspies are very difficult to read. Thirdly I am not used to them. I grew up amongst NTs, my family are NTs, the aspies are different. They are my kind of different, but different nonetheless. I have a theory that the day I accept them is the day that I fully accept myself. But the good news is that I kind of like them now and am no longer scared or repulsed by them!!

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Just because you have the same neurodivergence as someone doesn't mean you have to like/relate to them. Personally I have met a few other autistic people and have found them to be either incredibly whiney or just generally irritating, and I don't even have the valid reason of childhood trauma for disliking them.

 

[Alaska]

I feel so typical in this way because while it's hard for me to understand others all the time, other aspies or autistic folks unnerve me.

Typical people are weird because I can't ever trust what they're saying is how they feel. I take it at face value, but I know that I should be reading for other cues I've learned.

Emotional people are easier because they are hyper expressive. I can understand how to respond to them because they are loud, with body language if not actually being loud.

Aspies and other autistic people... Especially higher on the spectrum, make me straight up defensive. I'm looking for an out of the interaction immediately. They do not follow the rules, they do not behave how they're supposed to, and I can't help but feel uncomfortable.

Part of this is due to early childhood trauma with the daughter of my mom's friend. She is very high spectrum autistic and prone to violent outbursts. She dislocated my thumbs when I was 4, because I wouldn't play "Itsy-bitsy spider." Obviously some of that trauma has been burned into my survival instincts like a phobia, but no matter how much I try, how much I disconnect my emotions from thought, I cannot feel comfortable around the sort of people. I feel awful, like I'm a Jew affraid of Hasidic people (I was raised Jewish).

Is there anyone who also feels this? Any helpful suggestions? Do you think it's the early trauma that I just can't escape without therapy?

It is hard to say if therapy is essential. If I were you, I would go to a good hypnotist for that. One incident is easier to deal with that way.

Just frequenting this site might be a way to recover somewhat or even mostly. You are doing rather well in dealing with us and communicting here so far.

 

[ZebraAutismo]

Their is other aspires and auties who infuriate me but most I get.

 

[Spencer Carr]

I'm just thinking aloud Spencer and am in no way qualified to state with absolute certainty but if one of your most powerful associations or memories of interacting with someone on the spectrum is having your thumbs dislocated at an age where trying to understand why it happened would be difficult, would it stand to reason that until you built up some additional positive associations with very similar people (to that young girl) your memory is all you've got, in the absence of any other clues?

It's the only information you have to date and biased toward the negative possibly triggering awkwardness or feeling uncomfortable?
In my opinion I would see that as a natural response.
Until you have experience or memories that contradict that incident? balance out the associations? One possibly shocking negative against many positives?

I should also state that in highschool I volunteered for a.sort of big brother role with some of our "special needs" kids. It wasn't something I did for credit, never signed paperwork, it's not in my school history, but it was just something I did. I would go during lunch or in the morning during home period, and help or hang out with kids that ranged from high spectrum autistic to downs kids. Tony was like my adopted brother at school. He'd come see me at gymnastics practice, we talked, and years later when I saw him at a grocery store we chatted again. I had tons of interactions with him and the other kids that were fantastic and positive.

That's why this eats at me so much, I know better. I have the knowledge, the experience, and shouldn't feel so immediately defensive. However, as has been pointed out it could be that now with adults and adult peers, I'm thrown off by their inability to follow the sort of wide guidelines I have for social interaction. It's such a huge break in a non-controlled environment, that I get defensive.

Though I still do think the mental scarring will play a roll

 

[Gracey]

It is what it is Spencer.
There's no law stating you have to feel comfortable around those with fewer socially accepted behaviours.
If anything you've learned something about yourself (that's always a good thing)

Don't give yourself a hard time over it. You had expectations of yourself, due to your wealth of experience and something turned up that doesn't fit into what you know or expect. Maybe you've surprised yourself? Feel out of your depth or temporarily wrong footed?

If you want to feel comfortable, get curious and learn. If you don't that's fine too. The choice will always be yours.
We're not born with the knowledge, it's something we have to learn as we're going along. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[OlLiE]

i'm an equal opportunities misanthrope

 

[Judge]

Under the circumstances I think Spencer needs to cut himself a little slack.

After all, a psychological "trigger" whatever it may be is STILL a potential trigger. Whether it reflects traits and behaviors of NTs or Aspies. Unfortunate if it impacts your fellow person on the spectrum, but IMO "it is what it is".

 

[Spencer Carr]

Thank you all very much. I expect a lot of myself, especially being accepting of all peoples, so this was just a sore spot.

My partner also brought up that if I interact with intoxicated people, it's very similar. I'm not sure how they will react so I'm somewhat guarded in my behavior. Where as other people might just be amused, I'm nervous. So I think it very much is the social interaction peppered with the trauma as just something I have to learn about. Learn more about myself and others.

Thank you all