I don't like giving attention to people who demand or expect it

[Dias]

Hi.
Don't know how to explain this but I get extremely annoyed when people silently expect that we give them attention that they assume they should have.
I give an example:
I am eating in the dinning hall in the place where I work and someone sits in the same table. Of course that out of politeness I greet the person but when I feel that the person is craving for attention and wants to engage in a conversation I just feel a sudden rush to repel the person and completly ignore.
This is very rude but I can not bring myself to do better. Saying a simple Hello to the person would be quite easy but because the person is expecting me to do it I do the opposite which is ignore.
I know this behaviour is immature and rude but I don't know the cause if it and therefore can not change it. I need to understand why I do this.
Maybe you guys can help?

 

[LadyBird84]

I'm not sure how to help but I do feel this a lot. It's like I resent people for their unspoken social expectations. Sometimes I get over it and talk to them but it's never a good conversation.

 

[All-Rounder]

Maybe if its 'forced' encounter with strangers it doesn't come easy to do and you can't warm up in such conditions. I wonder if you approach others it still is the same. Maybe people disturb your thoughts and silence. Maybe you want to be alone, or maybe you look down on ppl who supposedly can't thrive alone like you do. Maybe you feel uncomfortable because they are trying to take something from you, affection, conversation, or just defensive because youve been hurt.

 

[Aspychata]

l am annoyed if l am asked personal questions at my job, but instead of reacting, l now say : "hey, that's off limits". Are you upset because you feel they will become intrusive?

 

[Dias]

All you said is true.
Sometimes I don't want my routine to be interrupted.
Sometimes I am afraid that a conversation might happen and I feel awkward and don't really know what to say.
Sometimes I am afraid that if I speak with someone today the person will come back for more the next day and I am not interested in that.
I have to admit that when I read the part of looking down at people that don't strive alone like I do, I felt that I do that; I am not proud of thinking like this but it is the reality and I was not aware of it until now.
And yes, I do feel that they are trying to take something from me, something I am not willing to give.
I tried in the past to open up and give myself more to the people but I get exhausted very quickly and then I crash and it makes me feel so scared that I just don't want to do it anymore.
I don't know how to brake this cicle.

 

[Peter Morrison]

If this person is needy, do everything possible to thwart their control. Some people like an audience while they babble. Others are nosey. Some people thrive on being in other people's business. Your rejection of these types of people is seen as rude, while the perpetrator doesn't understand that they are also being rude by assuming you want to talk to them during your personal down time. I don't think there is any polite way to excuse yourself from interaction. You have to be blunt so that the message sinks in. You can still say "hello" and be cordial. Make it clear that you prefer to eat your lunch in peace without conversation. Lunchtime is usually my personal thinking time. Free thinking time is important for mental health.

 

[Gracey]

It’s in no way immature to want to protect your only time to recharge.
Gather yourself ready for the afternoon onslaught.

At the same time, an unspoken expectation that all get along together in the workplace also,

A colleague sat alone at lunch time must need company, right ?

How better to fill those awkward gaps in conversation than to keep on talking ? (Perhaps a non asd habit?)

It can be tricky to balance expectations and protect your own time politely.

Props? Engrossed in Book, phone.

Be honest? - “I was just having 10 minutes to myself”

Finish lunch and find somewhere else?

 

[Aspychata]

Think that where l live, older people are prey. l have already encountered a employee at one of my jobs that felt it was okay to hit up this older person for money, she is now gone. Think surival depends on keeping your inner circle safe, maybe empty, depending where you live. Don't make excuses for staying safe, don't beat yourself up.

 

[tlc]

If someone starts a conversation with me, then some sort of reply I think is proper, even if I say thanks but I've got some things I'm working on. But if they don't talk, and if I start a conversation, it will start a precedent and make me appear as the social one when I'm not. Then they will want to start making small talk all the time. So I can see why you would not want to start talking to them.

I think if someone wants to start a conversation, then they should do that. You shouldn't have to feel bad about not starting one. It's not like a therapist/patient or salesperson/customer relationship where it's your job to say something.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I resent forced social communication, to the point where I won't go out of the house when I see my neighbour in the garden and will be expected to greet her. It's not that I have anything against her, I just like my privacy, I'm in my head, in my own world, and it feels very intrusive to me. It's also an effort to switch from my internal world to engage with the external one. I'm not very sociable and prefer to keep myself to myself.

 

[Dias]

Yes.
This is how I feel. How Progster explained.
But inside I am always thinking that I must be a terrible person to avoid people like this.
I can't avoid thinking that there must be something wrong with me.

 

[Gracey]

But inside I am always thinking that I must be a terrible person to avoid people like this.

Don’t judge yourself. It’s unfair to you.
Accept this is what’s comfortable for you.



I’ve found that some people like talking about themselves.

All I have to do is throw in a few leading questions at certain points.
(when I can’t avoid them or wasn’t quick enough to feign interest in something else)

They do all of the work. Keep on redirecting the conversation back onto them with certain questions.

I’ve met the social expectation, they’ve done all the work.

 

[Judge]

I'd be more concerned as to whether this is just a one-time occurrence, or something that predictably occurs quite frequently. There's a difference between being momentarily demanding and being a perpetual "diva".

Also it may depend on what their relationship may be to you in the first place. If they are a co-worker, that certainly complicates things. A blood relative? Perhaps the same considerations, but potentially with more latitude. If it's a one-time happening, perhaps it's best to just overlook it all.

Everyone else? If they are a "high-maintenance personality" or "energy vampire", I will shun them in my own best interest. The worst being those who actually describe themselves in such a manner. Poof! I'm already gone. For them, I offer no apologies and take no prisoners.

 

[Kirsty]

Don’t judge yourself. It’s unfair to you.
Accept this is what’s comfortable for you.



I’ve found that some people like talking about themselves.

All I have to do is throw in a few leading questions at certain points.
(when I can’t avoid them or wasn’t quick enough to feign interest in something else)

They do all of the work. Keep on redirecting the conversation back onto them with certain questions.

I’ve met the social expectation, they’ve done all the work.

Yeah, then eventually they go off you because you don’t talk much about yourself?

 

[Fiona]

Craving for attention can be really annoying so I understand why you don't like doing this. If the person isn't someone you care about (family/friend) then I don't see the problem at all. Unless you're forced to be with that person frequently (like a cooworker). If you care about them, well, then it can be slightly rude or something.

I tend to act the same way. Sometimes I don't even realize that I do. But if I do I feel terrible and I'm overthinking the situation ("I should say something, what should I say, why he doesn't say anything, what's wrong with me, I'm boring, omg I should say something already..." and so on) and from outside it seems like I'm ignoring someone. I don't know if this is understandable explanation ;3

 

[Fino]

Oh wow... I don't think I've ever sensed someone's demand or expectation for attention. People have done similar things with the sitting and such, but I never really responded. I guess my obliviousness helped me out on this one!

 

[Dias]

The most difficult person for me to handle right now is a superior in my work, woman.
She is a good person but in my opinion she needs attention, she needs to be heard, she needs recognition as a superior.
I respect her but I think she would like some flattering and attention and that's something I can not give her.
In the end she thinks I don't like her, takes everything personally, and I get scared of losing my job.

 

[tducey]

Me either. I don't mind people but I don't like those who are clingy.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

seems you don't enjoy social interaction. i'm the same. when at work I just do my job, mind my own business, and go home. I wouldn't look down on someone for desiring social interaction as such is the way we as human beings are even here, but don't feel guilty about your desire for social solitude.

some people are outgoing social butterflies and other are not. it is what it is.

 

[BraidedPony]

Bosses should go eat somewhere by themselves. I don’t want to pretend I like them during my lunch break.
Doesn’t she have a cell phone and someone to call?
I know what you mean when someone sits down near you and they sigh or mumble to themselves loud enough where you know they want you to ask what is wrong.
Nothing wrong with you for not liking this, who would??