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I do not understand and no one can see my pain

lovely_darlingprettybaby

lovely_darlingprettybaby

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I do not understand why someone who would love me unconditionally would use all my pain against me and deceive me?
And force me to get along with narcissists I do not get along with who are self absorbed and expect me to fit a box I am unhappy that I am hurting myself so badly because it hurts do much and I want to get out of it.
And use all my pain and trauma against me and somehow make it look like my fault.
If seems abusive.
And when I had endometriosis try to deny everything I had and numb out my emotions and sensitivities and use people I always had a good opinion about who are self centred and arrogant against me.
And then try to deny my truths when he is already hurting me anyway.
And does things that seem irrational to me.
And force me to get along with people I struggle to who are overwhelmingly negative and have a truckload of problems when I am unwell anx just want to be free to be me again.
What would it matter anyway my issues and Illness is so big.
 
Couldn’t help noticing you want to be free to be you again. Makes me wonder when you were free to be yourself and what happened to cause that to end. Lived my life not knowing I’m autistic, so wonder what that must have been like for you.
 
First of all, there is a saying that "only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally" and that "men are only loved under the condition that they provide for women, children, and dogs". In fact, it was paraphrased recently by comedian, Chris Rock.

Of course, that statement is not accurate, even though there is some degree of truth in it. Relationships are a two-way street. The moment it becomes imbalanced, there's "trouble in paradise". I completely agree, given the description from @lovely_darlingprettybaby that this is an abusive relationship. This is not love. This is controlling and abusive behaviors from someone with some serious psychological issues, if not psychopathy, certainly narcissistic sociopathy. This is the type of person, who, as a kid, loved to torture and kill small animals, birds, and insects, just for the pure enjoyment of it. Now, he's all grown up and you're his play thing. He's a parasite just sucking the life out of you, hoping your co-dependency will keep you around long enough until he doesn't have any more use for you. As long as he has fooled you into thinking he loves you and you love him, the abuse will continue. He's likely manipulating your fear of being alone against you, but really, he's afraid of being alone himself. It doesn't sound like he's physically abusing you, at least that you've admitted, but certainly, there is a lot of mental abuse going on. I repeat, this is not love, nor anything close to it.

If there is anything that gets me deeply and viscerally angry, it's these weak, pathetic, beta males that ooze all the "toxic" in "toxic masculinity". My sisters went through this "death by a thousand cuts" mental abuse, and the damage that was done is permanent, it literally destroyed them in many ways. Both these guys eventually walked out on my sisters and abandoned the children, shacking up with other women, but then proceeded to leave them deeply in loan and credit card debt, forcing both my sisters into bankruptcy, destroying their credit ratings, and then had the balls to never pay any child support and still create havoc every time they could with the divorce lawyers and court system. Worst of all, it destroyed their self-image and self-confidence. These are women with multiple advanced degrees in business and medicine, smart, beautiful, should be knocking down 6-figure incomes, yet are now settling for minimum-wage jobs, living like peasants, don't see themselves as worthy to even apply for the jobs they are more than qualified for, are angry, sad, depressed, deeply in financial debt. I swear to God if I ever lay eyes on these men, I will be a happy man to go to jail for the crimes I would commit against them. The amount of dark, black, evil I would unleash against them would make Satan, himself cringe. Yeah, I've got some serious issues with men like this.

My advice. Run. Run away as fast as your little legs can carry you.
 
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I am quite aware of the significant level of dysphoria some women have regarding what they think they deserve or what they are looking for in a man. These average to below average women with little to offer that won't even consider a man who isn't 6'2" or more, handsome, muscular Adonis's, making at least $200K a year, as if they somehow deserve the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Good luck with that, those men are already taken, by above average women. Women who also have a lot to offer. Alphas seek out other alphas.

On the other hand, and this is important, do not have an opposite level of dysphoria. @lovely_darlingprettybaby, you DO deserve better and you should have the courage to seek it out.
 
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Neonatal RRT said:
I am quite aware of the significant level of dysphoria some women have regarding what they think they deserve or what they are looking for in a man. These average to below average women with little to offer that won't even consider a man who isn't 6'2" or more, handsome, muscular Adonis's, making at least $200K a year, as if they somehow deserve the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Good luck with that, those men are already taken, by above average women. Women who also have a lot to offer. Alphas seek out other alphas.

On the other hand, and this is important, do not have an opposite level of dysphoria. @lovely_darlingprettybaby, you DO deserve better and you should have the courage to seek it out.
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You are right because looks do not matter, it is the inside that counts.

And a person with a nice inside will be gold however
I like them to be attractive to me but they do not need to be any brad Pitt some of those guys can be really perfectionists and mean too and have very high standards for a woman.
But if they are not even nice with bad views then I do deserve more. Sometimes though if someone really cares about me and is nice to me I'm willing to give them a chance.
But yes trauma has been very difficult for me as well as illness.
 
I
Neonatal RRT said:
First of all, there is a saying that "only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally" and that "men are only loved under the condition that they provide for women, children, and dogs". In fact, it was paraphrased recently by comedian, Chris Rock.

Of course, that statement is not accurate, even though there is some degree of truth in it. Relationships are a two-way street. The moment it becomes imbalanced, there's "trouble in paradise". I completely agree, given the description from @lovely_darlingprettybaby that this is an abusive relationship. This is not love. This is controlling and abusive behaviors from someone with some serious psychological issues, if not psychopathy, certainly narcissistic sociopathy. This is the type of person, who, as a kid, loved to torture and kill small animals, birds, and insects, just for the pure enjoyment of it. Now, he's all grown up and you're his play thing. He's a parasite just sucking the life out of you, hoping your co-dependency will keep you around long enough until he doesn't have any more use for you. As long as he has fooled you into thinking he loves you and you love him, the abuse will continue. He's likely manipulating your fear of being alone against you, but really, he's afraid of being alone himself. It doesn't sound like he's physically abusing you, at least that you've admitted, but certainly, there is a lot of mental abuse going on. I repeat, this is not love, nor anything close to it.

If there is anything that gets me deeply and viscerally angry, it's these weak, pathetic, beta males that ooze all the "toxic" in "toxic masculinity". My sisters went through this "death by a thousand cuts" mental abuse, and the damage that was done is permanent, it literally destroyed them in many ways. Both these guys eventually walked out on my sisters and abandoned the children, shacking up with other women, but then proceeded to leave them deeply in loan and credit card debt, forcing both my sisters into bankruptcy, destroying their credit ratings, and then had the balls to never pay any child support and still create havoc every time they could with the divorce lawyers and court system. Worst of all, it destroyed their self-image and self-confidence. These are women with multiple advanced degrees in business and medicine, smart, beautiful, should be knocking down 6-figure incomes, yet are now settling for minimum-wage jobs, living like peasants, don't see themselves as worthy to even apply for the jobs they are more than qualified for, are angry, sad, depressed, deeply in financial debt. I swear to God if I ever lay eyes on these men, I will be a happy man to go to jail for the crimes I would commit against them. The amount of dark, black, evil I would unleash against them would make Satan, himself cringe. Yeah, I've got some serious issues with men like this.

My advice. Run. Run away as fast as your little legs can carry you.
Click to expand...
I cannot help my rage and trauma.
So therefore i do deserve to feel beautiful and with trauma and illness you often do not.
 
Neri said:
Are you in an unhappy relationship @lovely_darlingprettybaby?
Click to expand...
I am just finding faith hard in terms of I have found it a bit rigid and confusing lately.
And a lot of people and faith values annoying but not everyone and people some people and a vast number do not want a bar of faith in a Christian God.
I believe in one God and creator and that is a Christian God.
Though it is people's issues too where they get so much but have no gratitude for good things and a greedy and probably self centred world that has lost the true meaning of life which for me is the heavenly Father God who created us
Though I am aware faith can be a journey for some.
Just seems like faith is a bigger burden for me than ever before and wonder if smartphone are helping or hindering the world
 
tree said:
REMINDER

For faith based discussions, please use the Religion area.
Click to expand...
Ok sorry you can delete it
Or do you want me too.

I have trauma and if my posts get too annoying and trauma based you can delete them too.
I understand, it is hard I trauma dump everywhere a lot.
Because my trauma feelings are bad and I'm struggling to overcome them .
I am trying to get help.
 
No one can see my pain but I know when someone manipulated abd deceived me and I do not deserve the blame because I have disabilities and it takes two to tango
I do not have to crack open my skull because I know the truth.
and I know emotional regression is not just autistic or normal
It is a deep psychological issue.
So no one can not try to tell me before that I was doing better.
For me I never felt like playing barbies or barbie sets like a little child..it just happened when my trauma became too much and I had a breakdown.
 
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