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I cant understand how I feel about this

Misery

Amalga Heart
V.I.P Member
Alright, I gotta talk about something here.

Memories of being bullied in highschool, those experiences, the feelings I thought I'd finally left behind, all of that. It's been so long, but abruptly, it all caught up to me again.

It came out of nowhere, and took a form I could never have guessed at. I'd heard that a reunion was being planned, for next year... that'd be the 25th, I graduated in 2000. Obviously I've no intention on going to it. But that got me thinking, and, well... curiosity and the cat. I wondered, what would happen if I tried searching for that? The class of 2000, for my highschool? What might I find? Would I find anything? Once I got that into my head, eventually I had to do it.

And what I found was, well... I found a Facebook page, being run by a couple of people from that class. It was mostly normal, but I scrolled down a bit, and suddenly it got bad all at once. A link. An obituary. This wasnt just any random student though, not some name I'd not recognize. Let's call him Bob, for now, as I dont use real names on the Net. I knew Bob, back then. I knew him well. But he wasnt a friend, no. He was the opposite of that. Bob was the original source of so much of what I went through. The sort of bullying that I doubt I have to explain in detail here. Many of you already have experiences with that, after all. Well, for me, it was Bob. And here he was again, on the screen. The name I knew, the face I hadnt seen in decades. Older, of course, but 100% recognizable.

According to the page, he passed away unexpectedly, a little over 2 years ago. I... did not take this well. I had a total breakdown. It was a bad one. I hadnt gotten that mentally and emotionally messed up in years. Geez, what a miserable night that was. Well, still is, really. The more I write about it here, the more messed up I'm getting.

Alright, I've calmed down a bit here. I cant understand this. Logically, I really shouldnt feel anything. Yes, it's tragic, but... this is someone I've no connection to, and what connection had been there originally wasnt a good one. Though at the same time, I understand that he likely became a very different person after highschool. As I did. Even in that photo, that constant bitterness that had always been in his eyes every time I saw him back then was just gone. He'd started a family, too, said the obituary. Has a kid. Normal guy, not the same as I'd known back then, at least based on everything I was reading.

Hearing about the passing of a classmate would be sad and all, but really, I had connections to only a couple of them. Some names I recognize of course, faces I saw each day, but I have zero feelings about them one way or another. And it's been 24 years in any case!

So why does this hurt so much? This question has been driving me mad for days now. It makes no sense. I just... I dont get it.


That wasnt the only thing I found on that Facebook page, either. There was talk of the reunion planning on there, sort of trying to get the word out or something, but while most people responding to it were quite enthusiastic about it, there was someone else who really wasnt. This person, I definitely recognized, a name that had never left my memory, though again, it's been 24 years. Back then, I'd thought she was one of the popular kids. As best as I could tell, anyway. But no. Her post there wasnt anything happy, it was pure vitriolic anger. She had been bullied too. By whom, I have no idea, but apparently it happened a lot. And I recognized the tone of that, too. How she sounded there, was exactly how I used to sound all the bloody time, 15 years ago (as at that time, I'd not gotten over my own experiences either, and was just so incredibly negative, constantly).

I was stunned, really. I never would have expected that. Her, of all people, having gone through so much of the same stuff I did, and still carrying the pain and anger from it 24 years later. I dont know how to feel about THAT, either, but it too has been on my mind a lot since then.

And then of course with all of that comes a million buried memories flooding back, so... ugh.


So, yeah, that's that. Had to write about it, trying to just keep it purely to myself hasnt been doing me any favors. I really dont know what to think here.
 
I got a message once about a school reunion, many years ago now, but it didn't trigger my curiosity. I never responded to the email and I never bothered to check the facebook link. I wonder if part of my mind knew I'd have similar reactions to you.
 
I am sorry this is so hard on you. I think it's never an easy thing to realize we're all 3D human beings in the end.
 
Alright, I gotta talk about something here.

Memories of being bullied in highschool, those experiences, the feelings I thought I'd finally left behind, all of that. It's been so long, but abruptly, it all caught up to me again.

It came out of nowhere, and took a form I could never have guessed at. I'd heard that a reunion was being planned, for next year... that'd be the 25th, I graduated in 2000. Obviously I've no intention on going to it. But that got me thinking, and, well... curiosity and the cat. I wondered, what would happen if I tried searching for that? The class of 2000, for my highschool? What might I find? Would I find anything? Once I got that into my head, eventually I had to do it.

And what I found was, well... I found a Facebook page, being run by a couple of people from that class. It was mostly normal, but I scrolled down a bit, and suddenly it got bad all at once. A link. An obituary. This wasnt just any random student though, not some name I'd not recognize. Let's call him Bob, for now, as I dont use real names on the Net. I knew Bob, back then. I knew him well. But he wasnt a friend, no. He was the opposite of that. Bob was the original source of so much of what I went through. The sort of bullying that I doubt I have to explain in detail here. Many of you already have experiences with that, after all. Well, for me, it was Bob. And here he was again, on the screen. The name I knew, the face I hadnt seen in decades. Older, of course, but 100% recognizable.

According to the page, he passed away unexpectedly, a little over 2 years ago. I... did not take this well. I had a total breakdown. It was a bad one. I hadnt gotten that mentally and emotionally messed up in years. Geez, what a miserable night that was. Well, still is, really. The more I write about it here, the more messed up I'm getting.

Alright, I've calmed down a bit here. I cant understand this. Logically, I really shouldnt feel anything. Yes, it's tragic, but... this is someone I've no connection to, and what connection had been there originally wasnt a good one. Though at the same time, I understand that he likely became a very different person after highschool. As I did. Even in that photo, that constant bitterness that had always been in his eyes every time I saw him back then was just gone. He'd started a family, too, said the obituary. Has a kid. Normal guy, not the same as I'd known back then, at least based on everything I was reading.

Hearing about the passing of a classmate would be sad and all, but really, I had connections to only a couple of them. Some names I recognize of course, faces I saw each day, but I have zero feelings about them one way or another. And it's been 24 years in any case!

So why does this hurt so much? This question has been driving me mad for days now. It makes no sense. I just... I dont get it.


That wasnt the only thing I found on that Facebook page, either. There was talk of the reunion planning on there, sort of trying to get the word out or something, but while most people responding to it were quite enthusiastic about it, there was someone else who really wasnt. This person, I definitely recognized, a name that had never left my memory, though again, it's been 24 years. Back then, I'd thought she was one of the popular kids. As best as I could tell, anyway. But no. Her post there wasnt anything happy, it was pure vitriolic anger. She had been bullied too. By whom, I have no idea, but apparently it happened a lot. And I recognized the tone of that, too. How she sounded there, was exactly how I used to sound all the bloody time, 15 years ago (as at that time, I'd not gotten over my own experiences either, and was just so incredibly negative, constantly).

I was stunned, really. I never would have expected that. Her, of all people, having gone through so much of the same stuff I did, and still carrying the pain and anger from it 24 years later. I dont know how to feel about THAT, either, but it too has been on my mind a lot since then.

And then of course with all of that comes a million buried memories flooding back, so... ugh.


So, yeah, that's that. Had to write about it, trying to just keep it purely to myself hasnt been doing me any favors. I really dont know what to think here.
Years ago, I went to a high school reunion. None of the tormentors were there, at least not the worst. The others (the ones who simply laughed at the bullying and (im)practical jokes) were welcoming and friendly, as if nothing had happened. I realized I still had nothing in common with them, and didn't really want anything to do with them. Almost everywhere I looked, there was an image of them pointing and laughing at me superimposed over their friendliness. It was not pleasant, and I never went to another one. I have always had these image memories popping up, but this was bad. Were there others like me? I don't know, I was selfish, and focused on my own survival, and it appears you may have been the same. I've got the buried memories under control, so I can pop them up when I want, instead of intruding at inopportune times. It took a lot of work to accomplish though.

Good luck in working through it. Maybe you can contact this other girl, and work out commonalities. The worst she can do is say "Misery who?"
 
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It's school, often middle school, where we find out what our lifetime social lottery numbers are. For the socially dysfunctional people, there isn't much hope. If people capitalize on that and crawl up your back to find more popularity with the in-crowd, it leaves a taste that could last a hundred years. It's been 53 years since I graduated from high school. I recall the final walk out the door very well. It felt then and it seems now like it would be to get release from prison after a sentence of 20 years.
I... did not take this well. I had a total breakdown. It was a bad one. I hadnt gotten that mentally and emotionally messed up in years. Geez, what a miserable night that was. Well, still is, really. The more I write about it here, the more messed up I'm getting.
Normally I take some comfort in the passing of people who intentionally subtracted more in high school life than they added, but at my age this is not a vengeful satisfaction. It's a validation that studying, not becoming an alcoholic at 18 or getting thrown in a real prison was a payoff for working hard. That in the social world there really is a "buy now pay later" penalty. High school was the high point of their lives; it was the low point of mine. There would be later, better times for me but for them it was their best time.

I found a Facebook page, being run by a couple of people from that class. It was mostly normal, but I scrolled down a bit, and suddenly it got bad all at once.
I try not to stalk the worst portions of my past but I take care not to forget them either. I'll confess that I have looked back sometimes when I have not much to do and life seemed to be a dwindling proposition. I hope like me you found that at the end, there really was nothing to be jealous of. For most, it really was the high point of their lives. In some cases, I found that a few of the misfits went on to quite a lot of success, defying the condemnation of their supposedly better peers. Then again too many of the misfits met an early end, often from drug addiction or self-destructive behaviors.

Unlike a lot of people when I ruminate about the past, a time when I wasn't solely responsible for my own upkeep and well being, I actually have a positive view of it. You couldn't pay me to go back to a public school. It was painful and expensive to send my daughter to a public school and it was clear that her very first teacher despised me. It reminded me that schools probably were designed to crush autistic people and spit them out. But there were things about the times then when I wasn't attending school that were positive and give me comfort, a time of increasing self-sufficiency because I couldn't ask anyone else to help. But the experience of the time I spent in school did ruin my social confidence.

The school memories aren't pleasant, I'll agree. But they can't touch me very easily now. What does stay with me is that the people who were capable of then of such atrocities are my neighbors and aquaintances right now and...it's not entirely clear that they aren't capable of similar behavior, today as before.
 
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, that we even can feel bad about something that happened so long ago. I cant imagine being interested in anyone from my past, but I have had situations come up that trigger old stuff unexpectedly. Very unpleasant to say the least and it sounds like it hit you especially hard.

I don't know why you got triggered. I've stopped looking for the why. I try to use whatever tools I have to find my way back to the present. I hope you can put these to rest.
 
I had a similar experience a few months ago. This girl I knew well, she lived across the street from me in elementary school, we played together quite often. Very good friends. Well, in 5th grade, our family moved out of the state for a few years, and then moved back to the same area. Now, it was 8th grade. All those kids I went to elementary school are now in middle school, with different little friends, and we all know was little jerks we were at that age. Well, this girl got in with the wrong crowd, smoking, drugs, drinking,...yes, in 8th grade. We never spoke much, even though a part of me wanted to. We weren't in the same little social cliques. Same with high school. Then I moved away to go to the university. We lost touch with each other for many years. We contacted each other through Facebook and PM'd each other back and forth for a few years. Then, I got sick of the Facebook environment, not her, but that whole platform. So, I had a very vivid dream about her one night. Later that day, I tried to find her. Found her Facebook page only to find out she had died a few years back. I just burst out in tears. Her family was nice enough to leave the FB page open in her memory, and I left a rather lengthy letter to her family. A bit of survivor's guilt. All the should have, would have, and could have's but I was a stupid kid at the time, and never rekindled that friendship when we were young, wild, and free.

At my age, quite a few of my classmates have passed away over the years. I even had a handful not make it to our 5- year class reunion, which was quite sad.

I can empathize with your situation, for sure.
 
Sorry to read about you facing these triggers, and feeling lost. It's disturbing to read of all the issues kids face these days in school.
 
I de-socialized myself in middle school (we called it Jr High), so by highschool I was pretty much immune to all that crap. I had 2 solid friends, and they were good enough company for me.

I was notified of my 25th highschool reunion. They were going to have it in 3 parts: a formal dinner at an extremely expensive restaurant, a dance, and an informal picnic at a local park with a nice swimming area, lots of trees, etc.
Of course I had no intention of going to a pricey restaurant or a dance, but I thought the park would be good, and if it was too much for me, I would just leave.

So I went to the park. I got there about an hour before the posted time. I sat around waiting. I swam a bit, keeping an eye on the picnic area. The day passed, and I went home, having seen no one from school all day. I called a classmate who I knew would not have skipped the reunion to see what had happened. He said that at the dance it had been announced that the organizers had decided to dispense with the picnic. They made no attempt to notify anyone who wasn't at the dance.

Outsider in school - outsider at the 25th reunion. Used to it.
 
Thanks, everyone, for the responses. There's a lot to ponder here.

For the time being, I've decided that the thing to do is to just sorta focus on positive stuff today, and just, you know, do things. Instead of letting myself sink into the blasted Youtube routine again. That bad habit aint doing my mood any favors and just leads to time spent focusing on negative things.
 
I was bullied quite a bit as well. Did my best to let go of the anger but, I understand human nature better for the experience and I am very much changed for the worse from it. To the point where I have no feelings or emotions towards people in general. I just don’t care. It was scoured out of me brutally for years.
Current state is a little better but, I don’t involve emotions with people.

Misery as to what you’re specifically feeling regarding this. I think it’s remorse that your bully never apologized for treating you that way. My guess of course.
 
That sounds so much like the complex PTSD from my social isolation as a teen and young adult, 56 years ago. When triggered it caused me to inhabit the mind of that struggling younger me. It has taken me three years to rewrite my internal dialogue.

I too, had a bad reaction to an obituary of a HS acquaintance. He was a manipulative user of girls/women who had gotten two pregnant, abandoned them, and he was never held accountable. He knew that I had no chance at a relationship and would go out of his way to try to brag to me about his sexual exploits. That made me feel damaged, unwanted, undesirable. I was shocked at how positive his obituary was though he contributed nothing in his life and his degenerate behavior was swept under the rug. Happily, while it made me sad about my confusions that prevented connection and vulnerability to girls/women, I refused to dwell on it because every second I am in the past is time taken out of my valuable present.
 
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I also had a strange reaction to discovering one of my bullies had died not too long ago. At first I was elated...but as it all set in it brought back all the grief this guy caused me over a period of years. Going from a friend to a cruel enemy. Memories I didn't need to recall.

Mixed feelings, best left behind that in reality are always lingering somewhere in my brain.
 
I just got the word about my 50th reunion. I've never gone to a reunion. Never been invited to one. Perhaps the internet made me easy to find. I'm debating going to it.

I had a lot bad things happen in high school. That and my first semester of college left me close to suicide more times than I care to think. But I've accepted it; the memories no longer hurt. In the process of accepting, I started to remember a few moments that were pretty cool.

When all the bad things still hurt, the memories of the (rare) good times got repressed - as if they interfered with the narrative.
 
Alright, I've calmed down a bit here. I cant understand this. Logically, I really shouldnt feel anything.
I live in fear of a sense of loss.
It is debilitating for me.
This doesn't apply here to you, but helplessness is the common denometer.
 
So why does this hurt so much? This question has been driving me mad for days now. It makes no sense. I just... I dont get it.
Maybe it is a loss of part of your history.

At my age, this has happened a lot to me lately.
Most of my connections such as doctors, vets, dentists, and psychiatrists, have retired causing me a great sense of loss.
That surprised me.
We weren't actual friends.

Damn, I hate that feeling.
Give me sadness any day of the week.
 
I got a message once about a school reunion, many years ago now, but it didn't trigger my curiosity. I never responded to the email and I never bothered to check the facebook link. I wonder if part of my mind knew I'd have similar reactions to you.
I did too.
There was never a chance of my going to a class reunion.
I was the odd friendless guy who ppl talked and laughed about behind his back.

No, I don't have any unresolved resentment, btw. :cool:
 

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