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I am Profoundly Depressed & Very Sorry

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It sounds complicated to know what to post there, you shouldn't have to feel bad about that. What were you hoping for when you posted there? Why do you feel bad?
 

Oren Franz

Well-Known Member
I am sorry for being pathologically afraid of police officers. I am sorry that I was too worried about this, I had Shared Delusional Disorder. Some people online told me misinformation about law enforcement officers. At first when the police officer talked to me a month ago, he asked me why I don't call 911 when I need help, and that I shouldn't be afraid to call 911 when I need help. I told him that it is, because I watched some videos of untrained police officers attacking mentally ill people and don't trust those types of police officers, and he told me that it's okay to be suspicious about some cops, but he also said that I need to learn how to trust people like him as he tried his best to help me.

He also explained to me that the way I interact with the police and they way they interact with me is going to be different than what most people say. I trusted him and listened to his advice, but due to my lack theory of mind, I didn't know whom to believe anymore, those people with more serious behavior issues than me, they told me that my school psychologist could have killed me, just because I have Bipolar Disorder. The most seriously disturbed people said that a lot of people with Bipolar Disorder get killed by police and that my school psychologist should have called EMS instead, because my life could have been in danger with the police. They told me nonsense about police officers and I stopped trusting the police officer and only trusted idiots on Facebook that don't even know me. But before I trusted those people on Facebook, I tried to explain to them that my interaction with police officers is not that bad and have much better social skills than them, but they didn't listen to me and scared me even more and I became more stressed out and had dissociative fugue for a little bit.

I also have Autism Spectrum Disorder.
 

Oren Franz

Well-Known Member
I feel overwhelming guilt and shame for what I have done in the past!
I feel ashamed and guilty for assaulting my former friends and being criminally insane. I am sorry! I just want my old friends back, but they will never forgive me and I don't know how to move on.

I hate myself!!!
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Just some advice from an old man,...

Not to come across without empathy,...but as they say, "Water under the bridge.", "That ship has sailed." and more importantly, you can't move forward with life by looking behind you.

It is life experience. Don't forget it. Use it to make yourself a better person in the future.
 
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Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It sounds like you were very unwell when this occurred. Yes, it could be they won't be willing or able to forgive this. You are sorry, and can now see what happened more clearly, and why? Are you better now in your mental health? Do you have help and support?
 
Unfortunately part of life is making mistakes, sometimes letting go of people even if they still matter and just trying to be even the faintest bit better today than we were yesterday..

I can’t comment on your past or your actions, nor’ whether you are right or wrong in your belief.. but don’t be so hard on yourself.. life is a storm to endure, learning and adapting to stay afloat with each changing wave.. we are all in it together but what isn’t usually in perspective is that we’re all remaining afloat by differing means.

Some people have titanic-class ships, some have designer or luxury yachts, some have bass boats, some in Carthiginian vessels, some in nautili constructs, some even still in simply dingy’s or aboard logs, coping with whatever they have available.

The chance of sinking changes by what they reside upon yet all are susceptible to drowning or going under.. Every growth is pre-faced by a growing stormfront and when we actively grow, adapt or build ourselves better we are very vulnerable to the storm until we have the loose ends tended and tied up once more, usually stronger than previously.. but not always the case..

Sometimes we sit and struggle in the turbulence, either fighting the change in weather or frustrated trying to build something strong enough to endure that we get drenched and choke with every attempt to survive the next one crashing down atop us..

I’m sorry, this is a poor and extensive analogy.. you may have been fighting with every grain to stay afloat, losing sight of others during the struggle. They may be lost in the wake or they may not, I don’t profess to know your situation; but you have to accept what’s done is done if you wish to keep going and keep growing..

You can search the wreckage for them seeing if they’ll answer the call knowing you didn’t intend to cast them adrift in your life, that you were just doing whatever you could to survive if you do believe that’s the case..

But you have to care for and mend your vessel first, either strengthening it’s bulkheads, improving the bilge, whatever you think needs work at the time..
You have to find how you can endure the storm before you can navigate it’s depths.

Work each day just to at least be a bit better for yourself today than you were for yourself yesterday.. it can be minuscule, insignificant or make absolutely no sense but as long as you’re always attempting to do better, to somehow weather the storm to the other side, better.. you’ll find other survivors like yourself who found their way through the same as you, compatriots in the venture and possibly finding others to endure the storm with once again..

Passion itself is like a lighthouse.. passion for life, for people, for existing, for hobbies, interests, history, diversity, equity.. in any form it entails.. Now it may not always be visibly seen or even known of but when it’s light breaches the ominous fog-ridden nights, others are sure to swarm to it’s waters to appreciate it’s resilience and comfort in.

Mistakes are life, making none is not fully living.. appreciate the ones you’ve made and will proceed to make, own them, remember them and move forward with the knowledge learned from..

Edison made 1000 incandescents that didn’t pan out, and eventually found a way to make his lightbulb work. When asked of him why he kept trying after so many failures he responded “I didn't fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,001 steps. Great success is built on failure, frustration, even catastrophy."

At a later date, in 1914 when the entirety of his factory burned down losing over 2 million at the time, he was quoted as saying upon rebuilding, without any change to how things were prior or even firing any workers now lacking work at the factory,

"To do great things, we need to be able to endure tragedy and setbacks. We've got to love what we do and all that it entails, good and bad. We have to learn to find joy in every single thing that happens."

Toxic positivity if you will and may be against some beliefs in saying, but I have lived through multiple epic disasters of my life ripe with self-sabotage and simply random occurrence alike and both less than and more than; what anyone else has experienced or knows of it.

Others may have relatable perspectives and insight, outlandish circumvention, reprieved penance or even satiety in suffering but no one knows it like the one who experienced it, the size, the extent, the challenge, the pitfall; no one knows except the one there looking through those same eyes and experiencing it no different than in that moment..

Because they haven’t, only I did.. only you did, only they did.. no one has experienced that outside of who it pertained to because it doesn’t exist outside of them. It didn’t happen in the same way for anyone else and no two will experience the same thing in the same manner..

So like stars in the night sky of that dreadful storm we spoke of earlier, if you always navigate by the stars you are taught to behold or the easy ones to see, eventually you’ll get lost when the sky is overcast.

It’s learning the ways you yourself need in order to navigate when you are without that guidance that will make a world of difference, for sometimes it’s the dimmer lesser known stars that still penetrate the cloud cover.. and that can mean the difference between sinking or sailing on the next dark and stormy night..

Not to be corny after such a salty tale.. but there will always be a lighthouse here in these forums somewhere, hopefully you can find some solace and comfort here while planning the course forward.. but as long as you can be accepting of the turbulence and work involved along the way, there are still many wondrous adventures to be had, lying in wait..

I know that life is hard, exponentially harder at times with additional challenges like ASD, BP and various others.. treat yourself with the same kindness you would afford a well-loved friend, stressing over the past will never allow you to take a step forward while still maintaining balance, so try to take the step..

And continue talking it out, without worrying yourself to be annoying to others.. my pages and pages of banter cause me anxiety.. and though I regret that it’s just how I do things right now and is probably a strain on others, if I remained silent like my anxiety pressures, I wouldn’t still be making progress while lying in wait of other possible avenues.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I know that life is hard, exponentially harder at times with additional challenges like ASD, BP and various others.. treat yourself with the same kindness you would afford a well-loved friend, stressing over the past will never allow you to take a step forward while still maintaining balance, so try to take the step..
I have learned that difficulty is part of life. I used to be too rigid until I broke and now recognize the value of flexibility, forgiveness, and moving foreward with lessons learned. To use your anology of watercraft, I paddle a solo whitewater canoe. You learn quickly that you can't fight the force of water, but you can use its features to control your path, though the unexpected will happen.

And though I have fewer years ahead than in back of me, I will continue to work on being a better person.
 

Oren Franz

Well-Known Member
It sounds like you were very unwell when this occurred. Yes, it could be they won't be willing or able to forgive this. You are sorry, and can now see what happened more clearly, and why? Are you better now in your mental health? Do you have help and support?
I became less psychotic, but my mind became more dark and violent. I got some people worry about my deranged dark thoughts, and I am so deranged that I called the FBI for help, as I was so upset and crying today.
 

Oren Franz

Well-Known Member
I am sorry, I had a mental health crisis and had a forensic examination, and had a business meeting to discuss what I did on Facebook. I have thoughts about killing my former bullies, but the police officer explained that I should never post such things online.
 

Oren Franz

Well-Known Member
I am very deranged with a history of delusions and mania, I am just looking for help and it's very hard to apply for one.
I want to commit suicide, but I can't take it anymore. I am sorry!
 

D'Andre

Well-Known Member
I am very deranged with a history of delusions and mania, I am just looking for help and it's very hard to apply for one.
I want to commit suicide, but I can't take it anymore. I am sorry!
Your life is worth living. I cannot articulate well, but I'm with you as we all are here. Get to a calm place, breathe, please don't give up. There is help out there. Praying for you.
 

huimaa

Well-Known Member
Please do not hurt yourself. If you feel that urge, do contact healthcare in some way. I send my best wishes to you
 

Yeshuasdaughter

You know, that one lady we met that one time.
V.I.P Member
Go to the Emergency Room and tell them what you've been experiencing. They will give you a room in the mental unit. That's the best part of the whole hospital. You get a vacation, with free food, arts and crafts, you get to sleep all the time, and there's great drugs. lol jk

You'll be so rested and happy when you finally get outta the hospital, with new skills, and resources.

Go to the hospital.
 

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