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I am a mess

SlowDave

New Member
I am a mess and even at age 70 I am still trying to understand it all. I have been dealing with CPTSD and doing therapy. The trauma was child abuse, my mother’s suicide and multiple attempts. I spent years in a sadistic boarding school starting at age 9. I started running away at 9 too which lead to many stays in juvenile hall. I have always felt like I was wandering around in an insane asylum. I never fit in. I was slow to learn the alphabet, reading and writing. My speech has never been right. When I was 7 (1964) some testing was done and they said I was smart, 134 IQ. The woman I have been dating told me I should read about ASD, she was diagnosed as an adult. I did and I was amazed. All the things I do are symptoms. Even things I did not know were things are there. Amazing. I am in the process of getting a full evaluation scheduled.

Sometimes I wonder if this crazy world is worth the effort of living in it. I have worked hard at life, I went to law school and practiced law for a while. I have been a complete failure as a father. I just freeze when everyone talks at once and I just have to get away and be alone. Obviously my family didn’t understand and I am an outcast. I live alone with my dog. I pass the time reading and riding mountain bikes and motorcycles in the desert. That is about it, my meaningful life.
 
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear how much you have been through. Hopefully you can find some friends here on the forum.
 
Greetings!

You are a year older than me. I was only diagnosed 2 years ago.

Messes are pretty normal here, so make yourself at home and lizaed 2.webp
 
Think l stopped judging myself years ago. l have learned to accept my limitations, and as a result l have stronger boundaries. l think having a furry friend, reading books, and cruising the desert sounds pretty nice. Sometimes my life seems very productive, at other times l am taking care of me, which actually is just as important. Welcome to the forum.
 
Another case showing that it's never too late to discover who and what one actually is. The relief of solving one of our deepest mysteries- ourselves.

No better way in such a discovery to be here and mingle with your own kind.

Welcome to the Autism Forums.
 
Hi @SlowDave and welcome here ... we are a group, and my job is to fight them, we don't talk so well together. But i can tell you they are nice people. I've blocked many. ...but some people here work for Healthdepartment, they want to Heal.

A few days ago i saw this Poem from arabic litterature:

اذا كنت في قومٍ فصاحب خيارهم
و لا تصاحب الاردى فتردى مع الردي
عن المراء لا تسال و اسال عن قرينه
فكل قرينٍ بالمقارن يقتدي

Google Translate:

If you are among a people, befriend the best of them.
Do not befriend the worst, for you will fall with the worst.
Do not ask about a person, but ask about his companion, for every companion follows the example of his companion.
 
I am a mess and even at age 70 I am still trying to understand it all. I have been dealing with CPTSD and doing therapy. The trauma was child abuse, my mother’s suicide and multiple attempts. I spent years in a sadistic boarding school starting at age 9. I started running away at 9 too which lead to many stays in juvenile hall. I have always felt like I was wandering around in an insane asylum. I never fit in. I was slow to learn the alphabet, reading and writing. My speech has never been right. When I was 7 (1964) some testing was done and they said I was smart, 134 IQ. The woman I have been dating told me I should read about ASD, she was diagnosed as an adult. I did and I was amazed. All the things I do are symptoms. Even things I did not know were things are there. Amazing. I am in the process of getting a full evaluation scheduled.

Sometimes I wonder if this crazy world is worth the effort of living in it. I have worked hard at life, I went to law school and practiced law for a while. I have been a complete failure as a father. I just freeze when everyone talks at once and I just have to get away and be alone. Obviously my family didn’t understand and I am an outcast. I live alone with my dog. I pass the time reading and riding mountain bikes and motorcycles in the desert. That is about it, my meaningful life.
You will have a hard time finding more than a handful of people around here without a similar story. Welcome to your new home.
 

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