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How to stop masking?

LadyS

LadyS

One eye permanently raised it seems...
I've realized not masking is harder now than masking itself. I've done it for so long and impulsively out of social survival. Before every social encounter I try to tell myself, ok don't do it this time, just be yourself! Over and over again. But then as soon as someone appears the mask goes on and then it's impossible to go back.

The thing is, I never realized how exhausting it was up until the diagnosis. It's like holding my breathe and letting it out when I'm finally alone. My head rings and I just want to lie down.

It's become second nature now which I'm sure it is for many.

Anyone else have this issue?

One way I've dealt with it is avoiding as much social contact as possible, but not always possible. Sometimes I do wonder though what part of my mask is truly me or not me. Very confusing.
 
Somebody-Stop-Me-The-Mask.webp


On a lighter note, if things continue I can always channel Jim Carrey :p
 
I've been wandering the same thing recently. One thing that I've noticed is that what I'm saying I want is to not mask but to get basically the same outcomes as if I was masking. I'm now wondering if that is a "have your cake and eat it" sort if expectation. So in this sense perhaps part of the reason you can't drop the mask is that although you want to be yourself you also want to avoid negative outcomes even more and are therefore finding that balance subconsciously and the net outcome is you continuing to mask? I think in order to drop the mask you have to be okay with the idea of people seeing the real you and the possibility of them not liking what they see. Not to say that they won't, they may really like you, but if you aren't okay with the idea of seeing and not liking you then you won't let it down to begin with and we'll never know either way.
I appreciate that is more a philosophical stance rather than practical advice on how to drop the mask. In terms of something that can be more put into practice I would say figure out what your core values are and make sure your masked persona sticks to those values. You can slowly make those values more prominent and only mask what you feel is necessary.
 
Ban said:
I've been wandering the same thing recently. One thing that I've noticed is that what I'm saying I want is to not mask but to get basically the same outcomes as if I was masking. I'm now wondering if that is a "have your cake and eat it" sort if expectation. So in this sense perhaps part of the reason you can't drop the mask is that although you want to be yourself you also want to avoid negative outcomes even more and are therefore finding that balance subconsciously and the net outcome is you continuing to mask? I think in order to drop the mask you have to be okay with the idea of people seeing the real you and the possibility of them not liking what they see. Not to say that they won't, they may really like you, but if you aren't okay with the idea of seeing and not liking you then you won't let it down to begin with and we'll never know either way.
I appreciate that is more a philosophical stance rather than practical advice on how to drop the mask. In terms of something that can be more put into practice I would say figure out what your core values are and make sure your masked persona sticks to those values. You can slowly make those values more prominent and only mask what you feel is necessary.
Click to expand...
See, the thing is, I'm completely fine with myself and who I am and have accepted my diagnosis. It's been a great relief since then. Even revealed it to a close friend. But it's almost as if my body and my heart are out of sync. My body does what it wants and my mind doesn't even have time to catch up. I'm guessing something like an anxiety attack? It's weird.

Appreciate your insights though, because you are partially right, especially when it comes to all the small talk I have pushed myself to do in the past. I've had to do it due to being in a very social situation and to just escape alive.
 
I have been skeptical when I hear someone say "I am going to stop masking". Do they know what masking behaviors they will stop? Here is a study on autistic masking:
https://molecularautism.biomedcentral.com/track/pdf/10.1186/s13229-019-0308-y.pdf

And a file listing masking type behaviors:
https://static-content.springer.com...y/MediaObjects/13229_2019_308_MOESM1_ESM.docx

For example:
5. Superficial assimilation. Never did this much, certainly not going to start now.

6. Basic social etiquette. I enjoy doing this even though it doesn't come natural to me.

7. Plan and rehearse. Always done this and don't plan to stop. Getting it right is less stressful than being misunderstood. I recently took this concept to a new level. I was meeting friends that only see once in a while, and wanted to avoid dumping my special interest on them, since I had already done that the last time I met with them. So I actually studied up on more socially acceptable topics before meeting with them. I pulled it off great. These were topics I have a minor interest in anyway.

9. Eye Contact. I just learned how to do near-eye-contact, and another technique of wearing sunglasses, just a few years ago. No way I would give those up, they don't have much "cost" and work great.

15. Use props. Works great, but I never did it as masking. It's not stressful and may even align with a special interest.

16. Play a false role. I could see how this would be stressful. I have never tried to do it except for maybe a short term prank.

27. Be helpful, liked. This is one of the more stressful ones I suppose. We have to work at this twice as hard at this than an NT and still won't be as liked as much. I don't think I will ever stop doing this though.

28. Seek ‘atypical’ others. Always have, and that's why we're here on AF.
 
I mask because l had a giant fear of being found out. I use to feel bad because l couldn't see the point in small talk. Now l see that l am not a bad person and maybe even a good friend so l mask because society demands that we show appropriate behavior when in public. So then l have my public persona. In private, l have my private persona which doesn't mask much. I need to mask because my mouth knows no filters, so l don't wish upset people just because. I can say completely absurd things because l am busy writing mini vignettes in my brain like a special interest. I think well what if l had said this, or should l have said that? But l actually held jobs so l guess l play well with others.
 
You know, I was never diagnosed and I couldn't get any help for my anxiety or CPTSD so I had to come up with a ton of coping skills on my own. But all the while growing up I was laboring under the impression there was something wrong with me. When I figured some coping skill out, and my life became a tiny bit better because of it, I simply felt proud of myself because I thought I had figured out how to be normal. I never considered any of it "masking", though much of it is. So now those skills are just me. Like knowing how to ride a bike. I have no need to forget how to ride a bike even though I wasn't born knowing how.

The only exception to this is that I had a number of learning issues and I worked hard to hide. But even there, now these things have just become skills I use.
 
I guess I am a little out of step, in that I like the ability to mask and so don't mind doing it usually.

75k1.webp


But I do know the fatigue that can occur. For me it feels like the character Odo in Star Trek Deep Space Nine. He's some kind of changling/shapeshifter but if he goes too long in an assumed form without resting, he turns into his natural form of a pile of goo.

Htk0.webp


;)
 
LadyS said:
I've realized not masking is harder now than masking itself. I've done it for so long and impulsively out of social survival. Before every social encounter I try to tell myself, ok don't do it this time, just be yourself! Over and over again. But then as soon as someone appears the mask goes on and then it's impossible to go back.

The thing is, I never realized how exhausting it was up until the diagnosis. It's like holding my breathe and letting it out when I'm finally alone. My head rings and I just want to lie down.

It's become second nature now which I'm sure it is for many.

Anyone else have this issue?

One way I've dealt with it is avoiding as much social contact as possible, but not always possible. Sometimes I do wonder though what part of my mask is truly me or not me. Very confusing.
Click to expand...

This is a very big problem in my life. You do it all your life so it becomes natural or very hard not to do it. I also have isolated myself. When I can be myself it is the best feeling I have had. I feel better about myself and like I am free. The need to be my honest self is getting stronger and stronger. For me, masking feels like lying and that makes me feel awful about myself. Being myself means being honest and I finally feel okay. I am working on it but I do not know how well I will be able to do.
 
Tom said:
I guess I am a little out of step, in that I like the ability to mask and so don't mind doing it usually.

View attachment 77305

But I do know the fatigue that can occur. For me it feels like the character Odo in Star Trek Deep Space Nine. He's some kind of changling/shapeshifter but if he goes too long in an assumed form without resting, he turns into his natural form of a pile of goo.

View attachment 77309

;)
Click to expand...
Can't deny that masking has it's social benefits. However, it's when you finally do it right and really well, they want more social interaction ... and I'm over here like, sorry guys.. I've used up my quota for the week :D

Such as today.. still recovering from a get together last Saturday :eek: and past Monday.
 
grommet said:
This is a very big problem in my life. You do it all your life so it becomes natural or very hard not to do it. I also have isolated myself. When I can be myself it is the best feeling I have had. I feel better about myself and like I am free. The need to be my honest self is getting stronger and stronger. For me, masking feels like lying and that makes me feel awful about myself. Being myself means being honest and I finally feel okay. I am working on it but I do not know how well I will be able to do.
Click to expand...
I feel ya. For me the masking isn't exactly lying but more speaking up about what I usually don't communicate. NTs need all that small talk in order to feel validated and present I guess. For me to be myself, skip all that BS (especially if we've known each other for so long) and let's talk about life and the bigger picture. But everyone else can't think beyond themselves.
 
Tom said:
I guess I am a little out of step, in that I like the ability to mask and so don't mind doing it usually.

View attachment 77305

But I do know the fatigue that can occur. For me it feels like the character Odo in Star Trek Deep Space Nine. He's some kind of changling/shapeshifter but if he goes too long in an assumed form without resting, he turns into his natural form of a pile of goo.

View attachment 77309

;)
Click to expand...

I would really like to be a pile of goo. I think when people make a comment like that after you mention the idea, they are making a joke, but I am not trying to be funny. I know I cannot really be a pile of goo but being able to be around people in a form that they would not notice and so would never get angry with, that would be .. it just seems better.
 
My mask is something I live with everyday. With those I don't know, I tend to be aloof to the point of being considered a snob. (Discetning feline has been used to describe me, and it's not wrong.) I watch and listen. I do not engage and if I can, I find a corner, pull out a book, and turn my music up.

Friends and family consider me shy, overly smart, and geeky. I have enough privileges in appearance and social should dos that I can pass for neurotypical, until someone brings up a topic I know something about and then all bets are off. My mask cracks and the information dump escapes. I tend to sound like I swallowed an entire set of encyclopedias and it is not an endearing characteristic unless one is engaged in trivia. (Trivial Pursuit is a blood sport with my family.)

It's a sign of my autism, but most of the time I can sweep it under the rug by making a joke out of knowing such weird information. e.g. Queen Elizabeth the II has reigned longer than Rameses the Great but not as long as Louis the XVI. Humour is one of my biggest deflection tools, even if it is of a Vulcan influence.

Very few people know of my obsession with swings, (yes, the playground type), and bouncing. My desk chair has been a yoga ball since grade school. When I put my headphones in and turn my music up, I get lost in the motion. No one knews about these stims. It is an endorphine high that can level me out when I'm close to meltdown.

Meltdowns that I have had around others have been attributed to migraines, which were in turn triggered by sensory overload. Migraines run in my family on both sides so people are prone to believe the more obvious reason, rather than the actual reason. Too much stimuli and a broken mask.

And as much as I resent my mask; it has protected me for decades. It has been honed to pleasing luster and I feel exposed without it.
 
We have swings a couple blocks from our house, but I only go after dark. I take Rue Dog with, so if anyone sees me, they see him, and Rue is protective of me.

He knows I don't people well and he makes an effective deterrent. He is not aggressive, but he is assertive and big enough to make people pay attention. He's used to going out in the dark and in cold, blustery weather because other people are tucked sensibly in their homes. We try to actively avoid others because I do not want to engage and in some cases cannot engage.
 
Darkkin said:
We have swings a couple blocks from our house, but I only go after dark.
Click to expand...
Exactly... :catface:

Just came back from a bike ride, and of course couldn't miss nice big swing... Can barely see anything since only terrible bicycle light, but figured I will document my evil deed just for the heck of it... Now I'm curious how many others use swings after dark... :smileycat:
 
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