How to stay motivated?

[TempeFan]

I found the old adage "life begins at 40" to be motivating.

I'm 47. Still no closer. I have thrown in the towel now though and bought a dog instead.

Ya have ta kiss a lot of frogs (or badgers) ta find a prince. Congrats on finding a good wingman. Dogs are real mate magnets. You're young yet. You'll get there if you don't give up. The worse you can do is settle for less than you deserve. I spent way too much time trying to prove myself worthy and didn't pay enough attention to whether the other person had the qualities to be a good spouse in return. Know what you have to offer and what you are looking for so when you find it, you will know.

Don't mean to brag but I found my soulmate (online BTW almost two decades ago) and it's worth the effort.

 

[DCA]

Don't mean to brag but I found my soulmate (online BTW almost two decades ago) and it's worth the effort.

Every time I see a statement l like the above from an aspie it gives me hope that I, too, can have that again one day...

 

[Amanda241]

Me neither, but I do have a Klingon one of my own

Cool, man.

Are you just hoping to meet someone online, DCA? I went to a neurodiverse/aspie meetup in Manc recently, felt quite comfortable and was a small group. I've set up my own meetup now actually; eating out with others who own dogs in doggie friendly places in Manc. It's filling up faster than I thought, tbh!

I found the old adage "life begins at 40" to be motivating. Ya have ta kiss a lot of frogs (or badgers) ta find a prince. Congrats on finding a good wingman. Dogs are real mate magnets. You're young yet. You'll get there if you don't give up... Know what you have to offer and what you are looking for so when you find it, you will know.

That's very kind of you and good advice. I will give it some thought.

DCA! Pick me! Pick meeeee! What I would advise is that if you're hoping to meet someone online, are you on several different sites? A mix of paid and free? It's a good idea to take a break at times for a few weeks - it gets exhausting and demoralising.

 

[Autistamatic]

I have to echo @TempeFan above. I was 35 when I eventually met my wife after almost 20 years of dating and relationships and I consider myself lucky to have found someone so well tuned to my personality so early in life.
When unlucky in love, I always think it's worth remembering the ChumbaWumba strategy...

"I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're not ever going to keep me down!"

(The vodka drink, cider drink, whisky drink etc. are, of course, optional )

 

[DCA]

Are you just hoping to meet someone online, DCA? I went to a neurodiverse/aspie meetup in Manc recently, felt quite comfortable and was a small group. I've set up my own meetup now actually; eating out with others who own dogs in doggie friendly places in Manc. It's filling up faster than I thought, tbh!

Yes. I do ALL my dating on-line. I am taking that class to learn social skills so maybe I can do real-world approaches. But that still fills me with a little trepidation for a number of reasons. But I'm sure it can help in other areas not related to dating.

I dated one woman so far that I suspect was on the spectrum. That didn't end well for me. It broke my heart. She said it wasn't about me, but because of her son (also HFA) & the need to tightly control his behavior. So at least I had that. I think if I met another aspie I would definitely give it a go. I don't know of any sites that are aspie specific.

As an aside, I dated a woman for a few weeks & we talked about autism. I told her about the AQ test & she scored on the spectrum.

DCA! Pick me! Pick meeeee!

Ah if only you were in Pennsylvania...

What I would advise is that if you're hoping to meet someone online, are you on several different sites? A mix of paid and free? It's a good idea to take a break at times for a few weeks - it gets exhausting and demoralising.

This is what I do. I know what you mean about demoralizing though. But I guess dating & finding someone has become a special interest to me, in a way. But that's probably good advice.

I do have a date this weekend, with a woman with a doctorate in psychology. I'm not going to mention the autism. We'll see what happens...!

 

[Autistamatic]

I do have a date this weekend, with a woman with a doctorate in psychology. I'm not going to mention the autism. We'll see what happens...!

You might end up with another diagnosis!

Joking aside - I hope it goes well mate

I've often wondered about the whole "dating an aspie" thing. I never have (to my knowledge) but I can't help thinking if it might have it's own set of difficulties. In my own experience with NT women, their comparably better social skills and understanding have been a great help to me in navigating the world. I'd come home stewing about something and their perspective has helped me gain some insight my AS brain can't see. If I was with another Aspie, I wouldn't benefit from that, but I can also see life might be much quieter and my peculiarities would seem less.... well - peculiar!

 

[DCA]

Joking aside - I hope it goes well mate

Thanks!

I've often wondered about the whole "dating an aspie" thing. I never have (to my knowledge) but I can't help thinking if it might have it's own set of difficulties. In my own experience with NT women, their comparably better social skills and understanding have been a great help to me in navigating the world. I'd come home stewing about something and their perspective has helped me gain some insight my AS brain can't see. If I was with another Aspie, I wouldn't benefit from that, but I can also see life might be much quieter and my peculiarities would seem less.... well - peculiar!

Well I think like a lot of things...it depends. I think it depends on how exactly & how much each person is impacted by their autism. The woman I talked about above didn't have issues with nonverbal communication (she would often ask me "what's wrong?" before I even knew what was wrong...), but there were other issues she had. I think if it wasn't for her need to tightly control her son it would have worked out.

But I also definitely see the advantages of an aspie with an NT. Relationships are supposed to be mutually supporting. And while being on the spectrum can be a drag, as you point out in your videos we have certain gifts that sometimes we need to discover & exploit, in such a way that an NT might appreciate them.

 

[Autistamatic]

When it works well, as it does now, it provides a good balance. She helps me make sense of the things that frustrate me about people and their illogical, counter productive behaviours. I help her with rationally evaluating situations and (almost) always keeping calm in a crisis.
The phrase "Are you OK?" comes out of both of our mouths frequently - from me because I just want to check I'm not missing something, from her because I often give off odd signals. Most of the time the answer is "Yeah, fine" but on the odd occasions it's not, we talk it out civilly (if it's a misunderstanding) or face the external problem together.
I will always say I am lucky to be in this position. I've been in a few long term relationships, and they've all been tempestuous and confusing, but this one, to quote Todd Howard - "Just Works."

 

[TempeFan]

I do have a date this weekend, with a woman with a doctorate in psychology. I'm not going to mention the autism. We'll see what happens...!

With her psych credentials she should at least be able to see you and not just your label. If she's not the one, maybe she knows who is and will be your cupid.

I'm not sure exactly when is the best time to reveal you're an Aspy, but definitely before you get too attached. My best friend of 38 years dumped me like a hot rock right after I revealed my diagnosis. That broke my heart worse than any divorce or romantic break up.

A little luck wouldn't hurt, but like I say when people tell me how lucky I was to find my hubby. Luck had nothing to do with it. I searched like crazy for decades to find him.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

JUST!... DO IT!

 

[megacomic]

Unless you want children I would say just stick to women your age or older. They're generally more mature and straightforward. They know want they want and tend to know a good man when they see one. That way you won't waste alot of time with silly confusing games. But I can only speak from my personal experiences.

 

[DCA]

I already have kids so meeting someone to have more is not an interest for me, Haha!

I did have my date tonite & it went well. Talked about getting together again next week. So we'll see how things go...

 

[Fade2black]

I don't have a goood answer to the original post. I can only say from my experience with love that I have a long list of failed relationships. My motivation seems to be at it's limits once the relationship is at the year and a half mark. I know an Aspie woman who has the same limit. However, I am three years into my current relationship with a very understanding woman and we are still going strong, so there is hope.

 

[Theta.G]

In my experience if you make a promise to yourself to to work on [ whatever ] daily without fail motivation will remain intact. Problem is you can get pretty sick from being overworked but... it does work for maintaining motivation.

A couple days off and your mind begins to snap out of that trance. focus. It wanders. and may become infatuated with something else.