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How to rebuild relationship with an aspie after shut down (I am NT)

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Lambee852

New Member
Hello I'm new to here nice to meet you guys, I'm a NT and would like to get help here on how to rebuild the relationship with an aspie after an argument (he ended up shut down)

cut the long story short - I started seeing this guy last year and 3 months later I got pregnant, I always found he is socially awkard but didn't think about he can be an aspie after a he shut down from an argument (I observe he has got a lot of triats which tick the ASD boxes). He wanted the baby and I decided to keep it, during my pregnancy he was showing cares althought communication and initiative from him did not meet my need. At my 7-month pregnancy, we had an argument due to change of the location of meeting, then when I tagged on a conversation about our relationship, he didn't take it well and he shut down after the conversation. Since then till my baby due we commuicated via emails plus limited messages. Somehow he emailed me about what 'space' means to him.

My baby was due 1 month earlier and at the morning when I was having contraction, he didn't answer my call but sent me message instead, at that critical moment I felt he left me out in this devsating state, I ended up went to the hospital alone and my bestie came over to be my birth partner, althought he called back after 6 hours and when he was on the way to the hospital, I sent him back home as I was still in rage that he wasn't there when I desperately needed help.

Since then our relationship even got worse, he hardly ever asks about the baby and after a month of birth, we started getting more contact as I need his support to look after the baby so I can rest, we did have agreement in the past re financial and other support from him to us, but now he doesn't do what he agreed.

I don't understand he reacts so detached to us (including the baby) and the sitatuion, is it because of all the resentment he received from me and he took the argument badly, he is still under recovery from the shut down? I'm very surprised he is even not close and excited about the baby, which is very different from the way he showed before the shut down, he was very engaged and excited to see my bump.

I'm trying to rebuild the relationship (not romantic one) with him for the sake of our child, but I don't know how I should speak to him now about co-parenting plan as I feel like no matter what I say to him now, he can easily take this as an attack. I feel like walking on the egg shell when I raise any need to him for child care, from my eyes these are all duties a father should do.

Do you have any suggestions to approach and rebuild relationship with an aspie after shut down? How to get back their trust so they are not defensive?

thank you. x
 
Do you know he's ASD, or did you "diagnose" him yourself?

This is important: NT's are not good at distinguishing between ASD1's and other kinds of people with some traits that appear similar (to an NT).
 
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If he is autistic, he possibly is unable to take the intensity of your anger, and is holding back from past experience with rejection.

Or I could be totally wrong.
 
@Lambee852

There are a lot of "IFs" here:
1. "IF" he is autistic, then do consider that due to low dopamine and serotonin (common in autism), he experiences varying degrees of depression. As such, little "slights" or rejections can be devastating and put him in a "funk" for a long time. In fact, tie an event with an emotion and he may never forget it.
2. "IF" he is autistic, he might not bond with you or the child. Again, neurochemistry. Low oxytocin and vasopressin (common in autism). However, beyond the autism component (which hasn't been established), males can struggle with bonding with their newborn infants. I see this daily working in the neonatal intensive care unit. We really have to push and coerce some fathers (especially first-time fathers) to even touch their newborn infants. It's a thing.
3. "IF" he is autistic, the idea of being responsible for a mother and child may be too much to mentally handle. There may be some degree of "demand avoidance" behavior. If he is struggling financially, by himself, there may be thoughts that you two might be better off without him because he's not going to be able to support two additional people. There may be some childhood trauma playing into it. For example, my wife and I were married for 8 years before I agreed to have a child, mainly because of some of the crap I went through with my parents. The list of "IFs" is long.

Keep in mind, autism effects everything from our sensory system to the fact that we often struggle with basic neurotypical human behavior and communication. We are often misunderstood ourselves, marginalized, isolated, perhaps even bullied and teased (especially as children). There's a lot of "baggage" to contend with.
 
It seems to me that he prefers writing as a medium of communication. I would try reconnect over email and attach pictures of the baby for him to connect with. Make copies of everything for documentation. I would not threaten him or tell him what to do, but I would get a lawyer if he refuses to help financially and settle it in court.
 
Get a lawyer to establish enforceable child support obligations and visitation rights. The two of you may or may not reach a mutual agreement about those things. You can't change him, nor would I even try under the circumstances you recite, but you do have a duty to your child to try to provide for the future.
 
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