How To Overcome Avoidance?

[Robby]

How do some of you deal with the intense social anxiety & fear of unknown situations/people? Specifically jobs? I literally find it terrifying to begin working a semi-regular job & having to be around different people & environment. I have a major issue with avoidance, if I get scared, I just avoid situations and people. Usually I end up getting a job but then I just avoid it because I am so scared of being judged or ridiculed or that someone will make a comment that offends me. I just live in dread of the prospect of having to work. How can I ever overcome this? The slightest comment or look or gesture I see from someone as being negative towards me I just take it so personally & it makes me just want to hide. I was severely bullied in school & ridiculed for being gay, & my therapist thinks I have PTSD. But how can I get to a place where I don't care so much what others think of me? How did you?

 

[Kari Suttle]

But how can I get to a place where I don't care so much what others think of me? How did you?

It took everyone in my life that i care about betraying me in some way before i learned to stop basing everything i think about myself around what others think. Even then, im still bothered by it in a work situation because with how i was raised, i dont know how to have value for myself separate from my work performance and school grades.

So really, idk. You just have to learn somehow to take what people say, after the fact when your out of the situation and calmer, and consider if its just the person being a ***** or if its something you can take as constructive criticism and build it into how you do your job so you can do your job better next time. I used negative instances with customers when i first started my job as a cashier to build a script for how to communicate with them - mostly it consists of clarification based questions related to how they want their items bagged, the rest of it is simple pleasantries i picked up from other cashiers.

The general public can be really rude but there's also some super nice people too. I've had customers rant angrily at me about another cashier's bad job - interrogating really - but i've also had customers who were really friendly and nice. One man and his wife, when the man noticed i literally had just a few bags left on the carousel to bag his stuff with cause i was nearly out but it was too busy to go grab more, he flagged down a supervisor and got some bags for me from the supervisor and started helping the supervisor put them on for me.

And when you're new, people will know it. Its a library so i would imagine there's regulars who are there every week - they'll know you're a new face. If you appologize and tell them your new and you don't know where the item is, but you will flag down someone who does, that should help. Listen to what other people in your workplace are saying to customers you can develop your own script to use for customer interaction. I have sensitive hearing and i used it to my advantage my first week on the job to develop a script cause i had no job experience and didn't know how to interact with people. Customers typically give newbies a lot of slack, especially their first few days on the job. Supervisors as well. Everyone's been the new employee at one point or another. Sorry for the novel, i just know new jobs can be daunting lol ive been there done that.

 

[watersprite]

That's a tough one. I have not overcome it to any significant degree. Having said that - to force myself to carry out something - it depends on how important the event or job is, and if I am interested in what's happening. With jobs I have to want to do whatever the tasks are, or else I will completely focus on the negative (social) aspects. Once I'm up and running with tasks then the social can get off center stage so to speak. I cannot have jobs where I'm needed to constantly interact with people all day long. Some folks can, and enjoy the challenges therein. Hope your therapist helps with this. Also, AGXStarseed posted good links to mindfulness meditation that has already helped me a lot even though I just started.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps you might consider pondering being self-employed, if at all possible. For some of us, it's a godsend. Where you are mostly responsible only to yourself, without all the caveats and socialization issues of having to answer to someone else.

Some might say it's the ultimate manifestation of avoidance. However when it's empowering, I believe it becomes something else. What do others think of me in this capacity? They don't.

Just a thought, anyways. I have far less social anxiety now than I used to. And I suspect much of it has to do with this decision.

Sometimes WE are our best resource...and may not even know it.

 

[Robby]

It's really hard I feel like I get trapped in my own head. I'm constantly overanalyzing & overthinking & it's holding me back. I have a good therapist but I don't feel (yet) that I know how to stop avoiding situations. I literally am terrified of people I don't know & having to interact with the general public I don't think I could ever do a job like that. Have you ever heard of Greta Garbo's quote "I want to be alone"? That's pretty much me. The odd thing is once I know someone, & feel comfortable in a small group I feel ok with interaction. What terrifies me & why working a regular job scares me so much is having to deal with anyone in the general public.

 

[Robby]

I've thought about being self employed, & I know the things I am good at, writing, fashion advice, commentary, satire, etc etc. But I don't have a clue about how to practically start a business or make the things I am good at into something that would make income. Like how to implement it. I know what I am good at, I just don't know how to actually set up a business.

 

[Robby]

I'm really good at writing, commentary, satire, fashion advice, stylist, or even answering phones. I am not good at physically demanding tasks or working in high pressure situations around lots of people, or anything technical or dealing with math.

 

[Suzanne]

Robby, you have two choices.

One: in your over imaginative mind ( I am the same), you can and do have the ability to turn those thoughts around to being more positive. I had an enormous task to do today and was freaking out so much, but I reasoned with myself and succeeded in the target. You can try, for example, as I mentioned in your other thread: reasoning on the fact that they chose you, which means they liked something about you.

I suspect that working in a library will not be physically demanding on you! Basically you are imagining all sorts of horrors which is stunting you.

Two: we had a talk recently at our christian meeting and the question of modesty came up and the brother said: what does modesty really mean? Does it mean: not wearing shorts skirts etc etc? No, indeed, it means: KNOWING OUR LIMITATIONS which means, if you feel this is a bad move, you need to contact them and explain that you cannot take the post and that, you really did not expect to get the job and you are floundering because you see, I have aspergers. Don't do what I tend to do and that is doing their thinking for them. If they do not know what it is, they will ask? Wouldn't you be surprised if they said: yes, we know this and that is why we hired you!

In a library environment, I feel that those who work there, are less likely to be the vindictive kind, simply because of the very nature of the work.

Anyway, as for the second option: you are not tied to a rope and so, can back out!

 

[Nitro]

I worked for many employers over the years,but was mostly self-employed all of my life even when working for others. It takes lots of dedication to be your own keeper,but you get to make your own decisions about how things should work. Mistakes are often,but valuable if a lesson is learned that better steers the path you choose in future decisions you make. I happen to be one of the autistic extroverts who thrives on attention and rewards. I learned to overcome my fears as time went on and drew myself outside of the introverted person I was to be successful in the public sector. I have shared my past with a select few here that show how much of the gifts I received from the spectrum I shared with the world. You possibly have hidden talents you haven't discovered yet which may only surface in time. I am not a professional at understanding the human mind,but have lived a successful lifetime on the spectrum that may qualify me to offer advice to those who choose to listen. It is up to each individual to determine if the advice is something they want to explore and I can offer no guarantee that what worked for me will work for you. I will suggest that you place the fears of not being able to perform aside and concentrate on doing the job the best you can,no matter what the outcome is until you find your niche. Those I employed over the years were rewarded for performance and only dismissed if they were holding the company back months later. All new people were given a chance to show what they were worth,and not being up to speed was not a consideration early on when I expected a new hire to not be familiar with a task.
Go to work somewhere and try a job on while you are still young,if you are a good fit,stay at it and maybe you will gain enough experience to advance with the organization. Possibly you will learn from their mistakes and become an employer in the end. My best advice is to never give up no matter what challenges you face,especially before you begin

 

[BlueConundrum]

I wish I had some great advice or a solution for you, but I wanted to say that I relate. After similar problems with work environments, I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder (which is often caused by childhood bullying) as well as PTSD. I'm not a medical professional, but it sounds like you have symptoms similar to mine. In the past, I found myself drawn to jobs where I could be left alone (I was/am a writer). Unfortunately, that in and of itself is yet another form of avoidance and it doesn't confront the issue at hand.

All I can suggest is stick with therapy, positive self-talk, medication, and support from others if you can get it.

I have isolated myself over the past few years, and it has made my issues worse. The more I avoid people, the more "comfortable" I get being isolated, and the more afraid I get of exposing myself to potential criticism and ridicule.

 

[Judge]

In a library environment, I feel that those who work there, are less likely to be the vindictive kind, simply because of the very nature of the work.

Completely agree. Frankly I'd think that sort of work environment would be far more conducive to someone on the spectrum than to work at any job that inherently involves people. Libraries are about books- not people.

Sure there's a possibility that someone is going to approach you for help, but it's probably not often. And it's a relatively "neutral" issue. I'd expect that most people are in a good mood about being in a library.

It's a different dynamic than say someone angrily calling you about their insurance policy or malfunctioning computer. And worse perhaps, if you work in a care facility where it's exclusively a service for people inherently not in the best of health.

 

[DogwoodTree]

It took everyone in my life that i care about betraying me in some way before i learned to stop basing everything i think about myself around what others think. Even then, im still bothered by it in a work situation because with how i was raised, i dont know how to have value for myself separate from my work performance and school grades.

I just skimmed through the rest of the thread because this pretty much sums it up for me at the very start. I envision the worst (total rejection), find a place of accepting it as a possibility, and then everything above that is gravy. I know that's really pessimistic, and a lot of people would fuss about it, but it's really the only way I've found to keep from letting this kind of thing drive my life. It does give me a lot of freedom from being controlled by what I think other people think of me. But it also makes it difficult to enjoy people. I haven't really found a good middle ground yet between managing my expectations and leaving space for something better. Working on it...

 

[Harrison]

Most of my life was spent self employed or the 'owner/ceo/boss' and I employed someone to keep people away from me. Fiona was very good at that.

Now I work for someone, and my job involves meeting new people all day, every day. It's not always easy, usually there is just one person but occasionally I can get the max 6, of which, some will be children. Those situations can be stressfull, so I script my working life very extensively to reduce any alarming encounters. Luckily my job means 99.9% of people are happy to see me roll up, so I very rarely get anyone in a foul mood.

 

[Spiller]

I think the first step is recognising that you're avoiding situations in the first place and, specifically, the feelings and thoughts you get when you want to avoid - because I spent so many years by myself it's only been in the last 5 years and mainly in the last two, since I started self analysing in earnest after my breakdown, that I'm really aware I do this. It never occurred to me that I was avoiding unpleasant (for me) situations years ago, only when I realised I was virtually housebound did I really notice that I was acting very differently (much more so than usual) from other people I saw in the street and started trying to figure out why.
For me the feeling I get is Fear, which causes my mind to come up with a seemingly rational reason, a story, not to do whatever it is and so I unthinkingly avoid that situation. I've learned, lately, to have a discussion with myself, on recognising this emotion-thought-behaviour process, to determine if this really is something I should avoid, or if I'm just letting the Fear win.
I'm working on finding a few understanding people I can discuss my avoidance behaviour with to hear what they might do in a given situation so I can see what's 'normal', then I have a truly rational argument I can keep in mind to offset the fear I feel and the stories I start thinking.. AC is also great for asking such questions, no-one judges because we all go through this stuff.
An example for me is going into a pub for a beer - I've rarely done this in my life as I was rarely in company and saw no point by myself. But why not? When I analysed it, my Fear came up with - I'd look odd alone.. it would be a waste of money.. etc. I rationalised with - people do go in pubs alone.. one pint won't break the bank.. I just want to!
.. And I have!
I'm currently working toward getting back to work - I had my own business, which I lost with my breakdown and I'm aiming at getting back to that. A likely step along the way, though, is that I'll have to work for someone for a while and this is a serious concern for me, dealing with anxiety, lack of self-confidence and Aspergers, but it has to be a case of thinking of what I can do, not what might go wrong and I have to work on building myself up to that and keeping it in mind all the time - I'm thinking of it as a way to build up my confidence again.

 

[Judge]

Something I try to never lose sight of.

"The only thing to fear, is fear itself." -Franklin D. Roosevelt.

I can make myself nervous just thinking about being nervous. But I have to stop and question why I would want to do that in the first place. It's an easy "hole" to fall into, however it's sometimes just as easy to pull yourself out of it.

 

[Spiller]

Something I try to never lose sight of.

"The only thing to fear, is fear itself." -Franklin D. Roosevelt.

I can make myself nervous just thinking about being nervous. But I have to stop and question why I would want to do that in the first place. It's an easy "hole" to fall into, however it's sometimes just as easy to pull yourself out of it.

Totally agree about not fearing fear Judge.. except that I never find it easy to pull myself out of the hole, it's always a hard climb, with much slipping backwards - the result is worth the effort, but the deeper in you are, the harder it is to see that..
I hope it gets easier

 

[watersprite]

Something I try to never lose sight of.

"The only thing to fear, is fear itself." -Franklin D. Roosevelt.

I can make myself nervous just thinking about being nervous. But I have to stop and question why I would want to do that in the first place. It's an easy "hole" to fall into, however it's sometimes just as easy to pull yourself out of it.

Some situations are amenable to FDR's powerful statement, and some aren't - for me I mean. It's a great feeling when I can say to myself, oh! Cool, I'm just on auto-pilot here and then the anxiety can be soothed down.
But there are some circumstances, such as theatres, school gyms with crowds, and others, where my body is not able to handle the sensory overload. The fear is not conquerable until I'm outa there.

 

[DogwoodTree]

But there are some circumstances, such as theatres, school gyms with crowds, and others, where my body is not able to handle the sensory overload. The fear is not conquerable until I'm outa there.

For me, I can force my body to calm down in almost any situation especially if there are other people around, but do I still want to? I've spent my whole life so far forcing my body to act the way I thought it should...as a kid, it was too dangerous to show fear, and as an adult, I didn't want people to think badly of me.

Now, it's almost like...recognizing and acknowledging my fear would actually be an accomplishment...a step in the right direction. Allowing myself to feel what I actually feel...and show it...at the time that it's happening......haven't been able to do that yet even though I've tried.

To give myself permission to leave a room where I feel overwhelmed...it's so hard for me to do. Instead, I cover it up and pack it down, and then the fear and anxiety leak out in all kinds of other ways for a long time afterwards.

 

[Judge]

Some situations are amenable to FDR's powerful statement, and some aren't - for me I mean. It's a great feeling when I can say to myself, oh! Cool, I'm just on auto-pilot here and then the anxiety can be soothed down.
But there are some circumstances, such as theatres, school gyms with crowds, and others, where my body is not able to handle the sensory overload. The fear is not conquerable until I'm outa there.

Oh yes. Overcrowded spaces still have some ugly potential for me as well. Funny to look back on how I always gravitate to aisles or the complete rear part of any theater. Used to bug my brother to no end when we'd go to the movies. He always wanted to be in the precise center if possible. In the last few years I kind of solved that issue with pay-per-view.

Yes, true enough that not every fear or anxiety trigger can be "conquered". Some of my worst social anxiety symptoms have been subdued for various reasons, but never entirely eliminated.

Rationalizing all your fears is no absolute guarantee they can be overcome. Point taken. Yet I like to try when I can. I think that puts it into better perspective.

 

[Time of the Butterflies]

That completely sounds like something I would write. I feel the exact same way and am always wondering if there's a cure for this torture that many of us endure every single day. I can't even go to Meijer to pick up pictures without having a panic attack; I can't even get a haircut without feeling like I'm ready to scream.

Do you like books? Is that why you're working in a library? (If you're not working in a library, then I misread something. My apologies.) Maybe the positives will outweigh the negatives. Maybe you'll meet someone who shares a passion similar to you about a book or a series or an author, and that will make everything better. It helps to get to know your surroundings, too. After a few days of working, you'll get to know the library a lot better and will therefore feel much more comfortable working around people you don't know. That's what helps me.