How to find a same-sex partner

[buckyboy14]

I apologize if this thread is a little too touchy. I wasn't quite sure if this is the correct section to put it in.

I am bisexual and have never been in a relationship, male or female. While I feel I may be able to have a relationship with a female at some point, I have no idea how to develop a relationship with another male. How am I supposed to even find a suitable person? Because it's not as if I can just go up to boys asking, "Are you gay?" It's like I need to somehow figure out their sexual orientation myself. But I have no idea how to do that other than with the ones that flaunt their sexuality and make it glaringly obvious. If anybody here is or has been in a same-sex relationship: How did you find a person with whom you knew you could develop a relationship?

 

[AdamR]

Hi, buckyboy.

I'll take a crack at this, as my Aspie partner (Nadador on AC) and I are both bisexual. Because of his difficulties with social cues, Nadador has a very hard time determining if a man is gay/bi, or interested in him, so you're not alone in your dilemma. The story of our own meeting is quite long and complicated, so we wouldn't make for a good example, but I do have a few other suggestions for you.

Of course the easy answer is to go to a venue where you know all of the men around you will be gay/bi. I see you're only 18, so a gay pub or club probably won't work for you. If you're a university student, most campuses have GLBT groups that meet at least monthly, and there's also the option of joining a local GLBT community centre, if there's one in your area. Even if you don't meet anyone special at these, you can get a better feel for being around other gay/bi men, and a better sense of GLBT culture. The GLBT community does love throwing events, so either of these options may offer specific singles gatherings periodically. That might seem very intimidating, but you can always just go and quietly observe, which could be very instructive. Who knows, perhaps Mr. Right would approach YOU whilst you're gathering intel!

Another option is a dating site. Don't underestimate the value of these! By posting a profile on a dating site, you can let prospective partners know what you're about right up front, and what you're looking for. You would have the ability to read about others before introducing yourself, and also to weed out people who contact you, by reviewing their own profiles. If you're feeling shy, meeting someone online also allows you the option of exchanging a few emails before meeting in person, so you can get to know someone a bit better ahead of time. This could be especially helpful for an Aspie with no experience, I would think.

Otherwise, it's just not very easy, honestly, unless you happen to meet someone at work or school. Most gay/bi men aren't readily spottable, contrary to what some people might think. You may not be easy to pick out for your orientation, either. There is no "trick" to it, sorry to say.

If you do decide to post a profile on a dating site, I'd be happy to help you put it together, if you would like to message me privately. I've helped other friends write successful profiles before. Feel free to message me with any other questions you might have about GLBT issues as well. I was in your shoes, once. I know what it's like.

Adam

 

[buckyboy14]

I'm probably not ready for a dating site just yet, but I'll keep you in mind if I ever decide to try one. That was very helpful advice. Thank you very much!

 

[AdamR]

I meant to ask you--are you openly bi? Do you live in a community where you are free to be so?

I wonder because there is an easy way to make yourself approachable, if you are comfortable with the general public knowing you're potentially a member of the GLBT community. You may have heard of the HRC--they are a prominent American gay rights organisation. They have a very good shop on their website, where you can get clothing and apparel bearing the symbol of the marriage rights movement, which you have probably seen:

An American friend of mine is very active with the HRC, and bought me a baseball cap with a small version of this symbol (about 3/4" square) on the front. I wore it last time I was in the States, and I was surprised how many men smiled and said, "Nice hat". Little signals like that can give you a pretty good clue of who you're dealing with. It may also encourage a gay/bi man to speak to you just in general.

Here's the link to the shop, in case you're interested in looking around.

HRC | Human Rights Campaign Nonprofit Store

 

[buckyboy14]

I suppose you could call me semi-open. If I get to know people well enough, I'll tell them. When I was in high school (it was a small school, and everyone was close to one another), everybody in my grade knew I was bi. It might be a little harder to open up myself more fully in college, but if I do want a chance, you're right; I should probably make it a little more known that I am bi. I don't know if I'm quite willing to wear any apparel that shows that quite yet, but I'll try to get out there a little more.

 

[Amethyst]

I know it was mentioned by AdamR but definitely check out an LGBTQ center. My partner is a director at the rainbow center in our city, and they're the most accepting and lovely group of people I've been around. There's a lot of groups, like film clubs, book clubs, board game clubs, etc that are less party-like and more quiet and easier(for me) to be in.

For my partner and I, we met with through an online dating site. We met 3 years ago and have been living common-law for 2
All the best.

 

[AdamR]

I suppose you could call me semi-open. If I get to know people well enough, I'll tell them. When I was in high school (it was a small school, and everyone was close to one another), everybody in my grade knew I was bi. It might be a little harder to open up myself more fully in college, but if I do want a chance, you're right; I should probably make it a little more known that I am bi. I don't know if I'm quite willing to wear any apparel that shows that quite yet, but I'll try to get out there a little more.

It's always so hard to know how you'll be received, as a bisexual. I've always thought we had much more in common with Transgendered people than we do with gays and lesbians. Some of them will embrace us with no problem, but some tend to see us as a threat, as they do with Trans people, or as fence-sitters or frauds. Some gays and lesbians are afraid to get involved with a bisexual person, because they fear we'll leave them for the opposite sex. Some assume we're promiscuous, and have to have everything, all of the time. If a new person I meet assumes I'm just gay, I generally leave it be until I know them a bit, so they will have a better sense of who I am in terms of trust. You may find that may work for you as well. Welcome to the Middle Ground.

People in your age group, though, tend to handle bisexuality much better. In many cities, it's very nearly fashionable, like it says something about how open-minded a person is.

I can understand not being ready to wear identifying apparel. Even I was glad that my hat doesn't say anything, but rather only bears the equal sign. I'm not at all ashamed of who I am. It can just feel a risk to wear a mark that could attract the wrong people's attention. I also have a small black woven bracelet, with a rainbow section in the middle. It's very unassuming, but the right people notice it. I wouldn't likely wear anything more obvious than the two small things I already have.

 

[AdamR]

I know it was mentioned by AdamR but definitely check out an LGBTQ center. My partner is a director at the rainbow center in our city, and they're the most accepting and lovely group of people I've been around. There's a lot of groups, like film clubs, book clubs, board game clubs, etc that are less party-like and more quiet and easier(for me) to be in.

For my partner and I, we met with through an online dating site. We met 3 years ago and have been living common-law for 2
All the best.

Congratulations on your successful partnership! I haven't belonged to a centre myself, though I donate to one nearby me, and my son has joined one at university. He and his boyfriend often go to film club there. They also do a coffee night, which I know he really enjoys. I'm so happy that my son's experience of being young and gay has been worlds better than mine was. Back when I was in my late teens and twenties, there were only gay bars, and it was all very quiet and shameful. I did get into all of that for a while, but it was murder on my self-esteem. Seeing my son and his boyfriend hold hands in public nearly makes me want to cry for how far we've come.