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How to demisexual? (new to this...)

cberg

cberg

probably elsewhere
Having told someone she's one of very few people I'm comfortable enough with to be attracted to, are there any good ways I can help her understand the importance of her presence in my life? I'm trying to make myself more approachable despite being a very guarded person. I'd say we're very intense people but nonetheless sensitive & we have some very strong anxieties around relationships that need resolving. Awkwardness be damned I'm a seeker of wisdom so I've got to figure someone on here has navigated this kind of thing before.

Have a nice day forum folks ~
 
Wow, sadly... I had to look up "demisexual"...
When I did I found it may be correlated with Asexual which I understand on a more personal level.

I fully understand what your saying, but how to explain a situation that involves 1.1% of the population according to a 2004 UK study (which might or might not be right)... Still "demisexual," or even Asexual people which is more how I would describe myself are very rare on the social landscape.

When I was younger I had the energy to overcome the obstacles of touch and other sensory stuff and I maybe had more drive to satisfy those urges... As I got a little older I no longer wanted to deal with all the awkwardness to even mess with it. However, I do very much want to have a person, or people around me that are deeply connecting...

I have no idea how to explain what I want so bad to say. Its just that to connect at a deep mental level might even be better than sex for me. Yet, I think I have a better chance at selling a unicorn to a magi than ever finding someone who could connect with me at the mental level I seek in other people most times.

Maybe she could grasp something like what I just read, and she can connect the dots.
Heres the link. Maybe it might help, but you need to be the judge of that. : )
https://www.dailydot.com/irl/demisexual-definition/
 
I think she probably knows it, more or less. I'm more focused on helping her reconcile someone as shy as me having any sexual inclination at all.

I'm optimistic but I've always known this would take time...
 
Is this really a thing? Are you sure you don't just have what I have... which is... "Disgusted at the idea of exchanging bodily fluids with a stranger"?

Well either she likes you or she doesn't. Why would she be confused by you having any sort of sexual inclination? If she is then either you said something like you are asexual... or you think she's not attracted to you.

How close are you really (from a romantic standpoint)? You can't go from 0 to 100. That will freak her out. This is why the "I love you Jenny!" never works.

Keep hanging out and casually mention things that you like about her, show her that you enjoy her presence. Continue to figure out how she is feeling and try to get more information on whether she's a good match for you. Ask her how she feels if you are unable to gauge how she feels about you. If she feels the same then it's easy from there, just keep in mind no 0 to 100. It's better to build a bit of tension and control yourself.
 
A little of column a & a little of column b. For now we're not so close having been really busy in our work lives & dealing with some tough situations at home. There's no dislike on her part from what she's told me, I'm more attracted than she is but I know she was moreso before. I agree that I should be more casually inviting. Perhaps its best if now that I've given her some new ideas I should give her time to run with those.
 
Being romantic asexual it is difficult to find someone else like yourself.
As @Chance said, we are a real minority.
For myself the mental connection is the most important part of feeling a romantically inclined attraction.
If someone shares common interests that we are fascinated in talking about and other things in common start to become known, then I might start to feel the romantic part beginning.
Be kind, not dominating, be caring in your words, not critical.
Make her feel equal.
I know I don't like a man that thinks he's the manly man and should treat me like his caveman woman, expecting me to be obedient to him. Making me feel like I should keep my ideas to myself and be
silent while he barks out orders or talks in a demeaning way is the biggest turn off.
I want a sensitive man.
 
I imagine in you a calm Tibetan monk on the outside with so much supressed male energies on the inside.

I don’t know what professional tip I can give you. Being demisexual is a concept that hasnt fully sunk into my mind.

Send her random yet friendly messages before you get to bed. She will look forward to it. Be spontaneous when you are with her. Planning out every detail on what you have to say or do will just make you frustrated. Enjoy each moment with her and let a beautiful relationship unfold.
 
I have to admit I get very frustrated with all these alternative terms and complicated strategies. Tbh I think it all so much silliness.

Nature is very simple. Throw a dirt clod or mango at her and smile. If she smiles and throws it back, your good to go. :D
 
Vitamin Sea said:
I imagine in you a calm Tibetan monk on the outside with so much supressed male energies on the inside.

I don’t know what professional tip I can give you. Being demisexual is a concept that hasnt fully sunk into my mind.

Send her random yet friendly messages before you get to bed. She will look forward to it. Be spontaneous when you are with her. Planning out every detail on what you have to say or do will just make you frustrated. Enjoy each moment with her and let a beautiful relationship unfold.
Click to expand...

I think you're spot on with this. I would probably literally be that monastic if it weren't for people like her in my life. I know she needs more positive energy surrounding relationships & even though we're not at all in a serious one perhaps I'm in a good spot to impart that.
 
Tom said:
I have to admit I get very frustrated with all these alternative terms and complicated strategies. Tbh I think it all so much silliness.

Nature is very simple. Throw a dirt clod or mango at her and smile. If she smiles and throws it back, your good to go. :D
Click to expand...

You have a solid point too, none of this needs to make any sense to just be a good thing. We're both more or less equally jaded & need to be shaken out of our normal frames of mind. You're right that we need to unpack a lot of modernist anxieties.
 
Loren said:
^I'm demisexual. It is a sexual orientation, just like heterosexual, bisexual, asexual and others. How are you so easily able to judge and demean a member who has mustered the courage to ask for support, and is clearly trying to work through a serious and personal matter?
Click to expand...

I try not to split hairs on this point, if we were all just that easily understood, we wouldn't need Q&A forums anyway. I think m'lady was really surprised by the disclosure that I'm not just asexual & it's going to be a while before she can make heads or tails of this. As such I'm just thankful for anyone & everyone who bothers to read & reply, no matter how simply. For what it's worth everyone on this forum has been considerably cooler than those on that other autism site.

May I ask, how have you gone about reconciling this identity with more conventionally-minded others?
 
Last edited:
SusanLR said:
Being romantic asexual it is difficult to find someone else like yourself.
As @Chance said, we are a real minority.
For myself the mental connection is the most important part of feeling a romantically inclined attraction.
If someone shares common interests that we are fascinated in talking about and other things in common start to become known, then I might start to feel the romantic part beginning.
Be kind, not dominating, be caring in your words, not critical.
Make her feel equal.
I know I don't like a man that thinks he's the manly man and should treat me like his caveman woman, expecting me to be obedient to him. Making me feel like I should keep my ideas to myself and be
silent while he barks out orders or talks in a demeaning way is the biggest turn off.
I want a sensitive man.
Click to expand...

I'm afraid I'm one of few people in her life who really do tend towards positivity when talking to her. What troubles me is that it seems to make her skeptical but I suppose the more I keep up the positivity, the more she might really believe at least some of it. Still I don't want to be too intense about this...
 
cberg said:
I think you're spot on with this. I would probably literally be that monastic if it weren't for people like her in my life. I know she needs more positive energy surrounding relationships & even though we're not at all in a serious one perhaps I'm in a good spot to impart that.
Click to expand...

I hope this demisexual thing of yours is just periodic, just like the moon has different phases. We all change as time goes by.

You still have a chance to explore the world and overcome your anxiety. You may meet/date some girls or hang out with female friends in a safe and friendly way. You also need positive energy too. Forget about awkwardness. I got myself into so many socially awkward situations especially in dating but I laugh at them nowadays.
 
I guess I can remember developing some attractions faster in the past, mostly before my 20s; nevertheless I'd say most of those were infatuations rather than love per se, what's different here is that I've known her for ages & nothing either of us do ever changes how I feel. It's pretty rare for anyone else to really get past my shyness - she accomplishes that without lifting a finger. I'm simply hoping to make that a more rewarding process.
 
Oh you're cool I do the same thing sometimes. Thanks everybody for the mental floss, it's kind of a big deal to a guy who just communes with machines all the time.
 
Thanks for being cool everybody, I hope this thread helps us share more thoughts & stories on this topic considering it gets so little exposure elsewhere. We can work this out I believe.

Also spare a thought for my friend, she puts up with this weirdo quite gracefully & has her own different troubles.
 
Thanks for sharing this. I've always known that I take far longer than normal to become attracted to someone. The eyes-meeting-across-a-crowded-room scenario is so not me. And yet the few occasions when I have become attracted - pow!! - I still remember to this day.
 
What's weird is that's how this happened way back when. Normally I'm the same as you just described but I knew instantly she was someone special in one way or another.
 
Has anyone else been in this situation when annoying people (typically female colleagues or relatives) ask you what film stars you fancy, and your honest response is that "I can't and don't form an attraction to images on a screen"?
 
I guess I always shrugged that question off. The only 'celebrity' crushes I can recall have all been female athletes & hackers. Makes me curious to know how much others associate this with being sapiosexual.
 
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