How to deal with loneliness and feeling empty?

[AspieDenmark]

Hello my name is Aleksander. I am 18 years old and i have Asperger's Syndrome.

for a year now ive been talking to this guy from England called Jerret and he sort of became my best friend.
Every day i think about when he comes online and almost my hole life is dependent on him to function and ive sort of fallen in love with him, as crazy as that sounds, but he's been starting to see his real life friends more and more and ive been starting to feel lonelier and lonelier every day because he rarely comes online anymore.

What do i do? Im embarresed that my whole life is dependent on him to be online, to function.
I just feel lonely and empty every day.

Any tips?

-Aleksander

 

[AspieDenmark]

sorry for my terrible english by the way

 

[Ereth]

Well, there's your problem. You need to work on being able to function on your own. Relationships come and go, but you have to learn to be strong enough to live for yourself and not just for somebody else.

 

[King_Oni]

I agree with Ereth; I think it's important to understand that you need to function on your own. You can't let people have this much influence on how you live and how happy you are.

It's nice to have friends, and even better if you have good friends with whom you share a lot, but it shouldn't become an obsession that needs to be answered.

The problem that I can see is that considering he's been online less and less over time, in hindsight you might've tried and adapt from that. Slowly turn down the dial and accept that you won't speak with him that often anymore and slowly work on your own life more. But that's pretty much a "you could've done this..." type of story.

Perhaps you need a break from ruminating on these thoughts and get more involved with any hobbies. Hobbies can often mitigate the feeling of lonelineness (aside from mostly being a nice contribution to personal development).

 

[Ereth]

Hindsight is twenty/twenty, as they say.

Denmark, you remind me very much of someone I used to know online, though without certain toxic behaviors. He was a few years younger than I and took to calling me his big sister because I tried to support him as a friend. He was incredibly depressed and alone and didn't seem to be doing too well in spite of his treatment. I wasn't in a position to help him, though---I'm not a professional psychologist, and he was in a different country.

Eventually the friendship became obsession. My increasingly busy life meant I was online less frequently, and when I would return to the computer I would receive messages from him demanding where I was and why I wasn't online. I tried to explain to him that I was in high school at the time and that my workload was steadily increasing, but it didn't help. I told him over and over again that I wasn't abandoning him. I just had other things in life to deal with at the same time.

The messages got worse, and they made me feel terribly depressed. I was trying to help someone I considered a friend, but apparently nothing I could do could help him. In the end, I had to cut off contact because it was just too much. He even got himself banned from the forum we were both on because he kept harassing me. The last message I received from him was that I would be responsible for his suicide since I cut off contact, and that he hoped I would be miserable for the rest of my life because of it.

Long story short, you absolutely have to learn to function on your own. There's no other way to say it. I don't know what's going on with your friend, but it's likely he's busy with other life things, just as I was. It happens.

 

[Judge]

Long story short, you absolutely have to learn to function on your own. There's no other way to say it.

Yes. I've always thought that children's author Shel Silverstein explained this in a remarkably simple, yet profound way:

 

[Ereth]

Yup! I really miss Shel Silverstein. I grew up reading his books.

 

[Atay]

I would recommend 4 things:
--a. Connect with a local gaming or tech community in-person. You're more likely to find Aspies there, and that could be very rewarding. If you are shy or have trouble communicating, I would hire a therapist that would with Aspergers to help you. Note: If you don't like the therapist, make sure to try a different one.
--b. Connect more with us here! That's part of the purpose. By the way, your English is amazing - very impressive.
--c. Give yourself hugs either in reality or in your imagination. This may sound silly, but it has a major impact if you give yourself that connection. It also can help to stave off loneliness and depression.
--d. Make sure you're avoiding self-criticism, shame, and guilt. These are your enemies, and they only make life more difficult. It is completely understandable what you're going through. Instead, use that energy to focus upon finding new outlets to meet people, and giving yourself support.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[gonzerd]

When you have trouble socializing, not just feeling lonely but actually being alone, and then you finally do meet someone and have some good interaction, it's easy to put too much focus on that one person and become too dependent. If you live with nothing and all of a sudden there's something, it becomes everything.

I know the feeling of meeting someone and that interaction basically taking up all your time from that point on, partly because the actual communication takes up a lot of time (aspieness, but also because I wouldn't be used to it so I'd have to figure out how to communicate at the same time, with a lot of (positive) anxiety as a result) and partly because it's just exciting, so it's easy to become obsessive about it and neglect everything else. This can be a very destructive pattern in a relationship.
I try to remind myself every now and then that whoever is in my life now, might not to be there in the future. People change, people move. Sometimes they even die. Bastards. But I'm people too, so I should probably do my own moving and changing. If other people have life's of their own, I should see I have a life of my own too. Sometimes I will not go online or answer a message straight away (I rarely do anyway, but I'd start fretting about what to say right after receiving one, so it would be on my mind), just because I get a feeling I'm spending too much time and attention to it and not enough on other activities. In a way it will give me more to talk about next time. Maybe I have to watch out that this doesn't make me too detached by now. It's all about finding some balance, you'll learn this with time and practice.

Take from it that you've already been able to make a friend, so you can as well make another one. This wouldn't mean you're not friends with Jerret anymore. And always make sure you have your own activities to fall back on. If there's nothing, find something to do, something that you like. This will only help you into finding more people and possible friends who share your interests, who you can relate to in some way. That's how friends are made. Think about how you got to know Jerret and what you were doing before. It most likely wasn't worrying about when Jerret comes online again. It's ok to feel empty and lonely, but the only way to get out of it is by actually getting out there, or online and do something. Or if that's too much of a task for now, clean out your sock drawer and read a book, just something that brings you back into connection with yourself.

And your english isn't terrible at all. I'm not a native speakers, so maybe it's not up to me to say, but I don't think there's a need to apologize for it at all.

 

[Sander]

There was a period when I was so lonely, and still all my family was around me and loving me. But that didn't let the loneliness disappear.
There even was a point a thought about suicide, as for me it would solve all of my problems. I couldn't though, it would hurt my family too much.
That's really what kept me from doing it.
And a little later I got to the point of being happy on my own, it is a mental state I go in whenever I feel lonely for too long. I'm just happy with what I have at that point, just the little things, like being able to see children playing. And a big factor, not willing to miss out on what was waiting for me in the future.

In bed I started fantasizing about how happy I would be if I was normal, how it would be when I would have friends, when I would have a wife and kids. It was all so amazing! I wanted to live for it!

This was all before I was even in contact with a psychiatrist, before even a slight suspicion that I have Aspergers.
After my diagnosis I was happy, I knew what was wrong, what always had felt out of place.
It didn't keep me from dreaming about having a great family though.
I am thankful that it kept me alive.
Because I have so much to look forward to.
So do you!

 

[AspieDenmark]

Thank you so much for your nice answers. You cannot imagine how much your sweet words has helped me. You have my deepest respect.

 

[paulb]

Hello my name is Aleksander. I am 18 years old and i have Asperger's Syndrome.

for a year now ive been talking to this guy from England called Jerret and he sort of became my best friend.
Every day i think about when he comes online and almost my hole life is dependent on him to function and ive sort of fallen in love with him, as crazy as that sounds, but he's been starting to see his real life friends more and more and ive been starting to feel lonelier and lonelier every day because he rarely comes online anymore.

What do i do? Im embarresed that my whole life is dependent on him to be online, to function.
I just feel lonely and empty every day.

Any tips?

-Aleksander

This almost always happens with online relationships, especially if it starts to become more one sided. Your imagination gets carried away and as others have said, it Becomes an obsession.
Did you hope on eventually meeting this Jerret? Not necessarily a good idea.
We Aspies can have real problems meeting others as you know yourself.
A better idea is to take advantage of what Denmark has to offer and get out and meet other guys. Not as easy as online chatting as you can't correct what you just said but it's the most hopeful way to keep yourself from being miserable.
Rejection, as your realizing, will happen from time to time, AND will happen the rest of your life. Got to get use to it.
As I recall that amusement park in Copenhagen is a blast. A good place to start.
Cheers.

 

[Dwayne]

I am new here also and I would like to thank all of the people who replied to this, as the same thing happens to me all the time. There is a lot of good information here. And thank you Judge for that video, it really made sense to me.

Aleksander, know that you aren't alone in this. There are a lot of people here who understand and want to help.