How should I deal with another aspie who refuses to take on any accountability

[Bolletje]

Ok, thanks. I've deleted him from my Whatsapp and will leave it to him to contact me, I am not running after him.

I do still feel a guilty though. I know how it feels to be rejected.

No need to feel guilty, the two of you just don’t make a good match. It happens.

 

[Sid Delicious]

"I feel guilty leaving him alone as he doesn’t have any friends at all."
"I do still feel guilty though. I know how it feels to be rejected."

There is a difference between being rejected for no fault of your own and being rejected because of your own bad behaviour that you refuse to change or even acknowledge. You can be a complete social moron, but if someone points it out and you apologise and are willing to listen to suggestions on how to improve then that is very different. It isn't his intial behaviour that is unworthy of your time, but his reaction to it.

This guy just sounds like an narcissist. That isn't an autistic trait as far as I'm aware, although the two sometimes get confused. I've met several people with autism/aspergers and they may be clueless, but they aren't nasty people and are generally remorseful when they realise they've messed up. If I've ever unintentionally hurt people in the past, I've felt like absolute dirt for weeks even after they've forgiven me. A narcissist doesn't experience remorse. They won't care if they upset you, expect every other human to follow whatever command they give (and are genuinely shocked if they don't), will react with anger and outrage if you dare question their behaviour and basically view other people as servants. I grew up with one and what you've described was very typical behaviour. If they give an instruction, they expect perfect obedience. If you give an instruction, they can ignore it at will and no one can fault them (even if they agree to it). Nothing is ever their fault. I would strongly suggest you move on and not waste any time feeling guilty. Narcissists do not change unless they want to and that rarely happens. A therapist one told me 'autism is unaware, narcissism doesn't care'.

Edit: I would also add that the above therapist told me that narcissists end up with those on the spectrum fairly often, as they are the only people that are willing to put up with that sort of behaviour and will question their own actions/interpretation before they actually see narcissism for what it is. Someone with good social awareness will automatically seperate themselves from such an individual, whereas someone with ASD will respond the same way you did initially.

 

[Frostee]

I thought he was a Narcissist myself, don’t know why someone who is rejected so much would be. There you go.

 

[PokemonManiac]

You shouldn't feel guilty for dropping him has a friend

From what I said I can see why he has no friends, he doesn't deserve friendships if that's how he is, I certainly wouldn't be his friend

 

[OlLiE]

ignore, forget, move on

 

[Frostee]

Yeah, thanks, everybody. I'm kinda confused with what he wants Friendship wise anyway. As I said my Mentor connected me up with him because she said that he was lonely and requested to have someone to hang out with.

Now, he never really messages me or initiates contact, aside from maybe once a week. But he is on Facebook for hours every day and will respond to my messages within seconds. For someone who is supposedly lonely, he doesn't do much initiating.

This does make me question if my idea of a Friendship is wrong, or if I was the one who should've been doing the initiating for the short while that we were talking to one another. This does happen to me quite often with Autistic 'Friendships'. Some would say that he does not want to socialise and is an Introvert, but him being on Facebook constantly puts that to bed, so to speak.

 

[55853]

Yeah, thanks, everybody. I'm kinda confused with what he wants Friendship wise anyway. As I said my Mentor connected me up with him because she said that he was lonely and requested to have someone to hang out with.

Now, he never really messages me or initiates contact, aside from maybe once a week. But he is on Facebook for hours every day and will respond to my messages within seconds. For someone who is supposedly lonely, he doesn't do much initiating.

This does make me question if my idea of a Friendship is wrong, or if I was the one who should've been doing the initiating for the short while that we were talking to one another. This does happen to me quite often with Autistic 'Friendships'. Some would say that he does not want to socialise and is an Introvert, but him being on Facebook constantly puts that to bed, so to speak.

Are you sure he's on Facebook constantly? I respond to messages instantly because I've got Messenger on my phone.

It sounds like he needs to be made aware of what he's doing wrong and what he can do about it, using as much tact as possible so he doesn't get defensive. I don't know how you'd do that - does the Mentor have any advice?

 

[Frostee]

I talked with her about it and she said that he did not know that he was being rude and is really insecure and anxious. His behaviour in public is very obnoxious and arrogant.

I am going to let him contact me, but at a loss really. He is confusing. I don’t know what he wanted from me.

I don’t have a lot of experience with people like this, so i’m struggling to deal and know what to do!

 

[Full Steam]

You've done a great job and should be proud of yourself.

I think you're being much too hard on yourself, and you have no reason to feel guilty.

In my experience guilt is an emotion that can be squashed without come back. I used to deal with a lot of unfounded guilt, but I found the root cause and squashed it, and then squash it if comes back.

 

[55853]

I talked with her about it and she said that he did not know that he was being rude and is really insecure and anxious. His behaviour in public is very obnoxious and arrogant.

I am going to let him contact me, but at a loss really. He is confusing. I don’t know what he wanted from me.

I don’t have a lot of experience with people like this, so i’m struggling to deal and know what to do!

You are under no obligation to be friends with him, and honestly he doesn't sound like he's in a position to have friends unless his behaviour is addressed. You've been incredibly patient with him, but please don't feel the need to continue to talk to someone who stresses you out.

I think the best thing you can do is communicate with the Mentor what specifically he is doing that is rude, and hope that they think of a way to get him to learn basic social skills. His tendency to correct you, his lack of flexibility, him abandoning you, him not understanding why someone would phone, him stopping when walking, his texts, his defensiveness, his lack of initiation. That you can't cope with him, that the way he talks to you hurts you. He probably isn't aware, but he needs to learn to be to have any chance of a friendship.

I think you need to specifically mention these things, which hopefully means the Mentor can think of what to do. At that point you'd have done the absolute best you could have done, which hopefully would help with the guilt you're feeling.

 

[Frostee]

Ok thanks, i’ll consider it!

 

[Frostee]

This guy is so confusing. I have stopped talking with him and I have not heard a word from him in a week.

He originally wanted someone to hang out with to go to Cinema but is not forth coming in arranging this or meeting up.

He is on FB constantly, so he has room to chat to me, he also has my number. (He reads my status as he mentions them, so definitely online)

Don’t know what he wants or why he is distant despite wanting social contacts. Yet when given the opportunity there is radio silence.

I don’t understand this.