How should I deal with a controlling mother that doesn't respect my boundaries?

[Annaa]

I'm 16 and I still live with my mother, I seriously can't wait to turn 18 or I don't know how old I'll be when I get my degrees and get out of here, as far away as possible.
I feel like my mother doesn't see me as an individual, but just as an extension of her.
She keeps comparing me to others, she compares me in things like how I dress (because I dress immodest and I love y2k fashion and trashy makeup)
She hates that she wants me to wear less makeup and dress more basic and modest and keep my (normally not messy but like big because curls just are big I have like 3c hair so very curly and it can look like an afro sometimes) neat and like basic and a lot of gel and stuff.
And my stupid grades she wants me to do well in school and it's not like im stupid, but I'm also incredible exhausted for no reason I never have any motivation and I'm genuinely struggling, I had good grades at the beginning of the year but I just lost my energy and motivation and started just giving the tests back blank without writing anything and my grades are still okay, it's not like I'm failing.
But still "oh you're cousins are the first in class" wich isn't even true number one and second they go to private schools I'm morocco and in private schools in morocco their grades get pushed because they get paid and they need their students to have higher marks.
Than she keeps getting on my back about how I repeated a year and she acted like it didn't matter anymore for so long but of course it does she just snapped and started getting on me because of it again.
When I was literally genuinely depressed, because my parents got divorced my dad had a stroke the year before and I had endured so much abuse from her and I didn't even realize it until now so of course I didn't have the energy for school.
She keeps calling me dumb and stupid and telling me ill repeat another year and bla bla bla.
And than there is my room, she keeps telling me I haven't cleaned my room in years which is literally impossible because I clean it every few days or sometimes when I have no energy every few weeks so how the **** haven't I cleaned my room in weeks?
It's my space why does she care anyways as long as there is no mold growing.
And she keeps bringing up how much she paid for my room like I'll just give her back the money she spent raising me when I'm an adult and never talk to her again.
She keeps trying to change my room and get rid of my like books and stuff cause she says it's too much, she tries to make decisions without my consent but obviously I push back which causes arguments.
She says she has to change my room because our guests are coming which is stupid because those guests are first our close family and second it's my room? It's not her room it doesn't represent her.
I don't feel comfortable changing it
I don't mind letting them sleep in my room even tough I don't like it but I love them.
But i don't wanna change it, it's my space.
Than the worst is I have like 3 important tests at the end of the year which will determine if I get into 11th and 12th grade or have to do repeat a year and I told her like months ago please tell them to come after my stupid tests and she said yea of course but now she's telling me oh they might come before that? And I told you please let them come after I'll clean my room I'll prep everything but now that? And she called me selfish for not wanting my space to be disturbed while I had to prepare for important stuff.
I literally won't be able to get the same grade if my family is here because they're loud they stay up late and the thought of giving up my room overwhelms me and I'll be annoyed I can't deal with that stress because I'd have to sleep in the living room on top of that.
And I have only a month till my tests.
When I told her all this she just said should have studied before and bla bla and that I'm stupid and that I won't make it anyways.
Like wth? I'm using one month to study? I don't really need more, the stuff that I'm studying is not that hard and it's just three subjects?
She's so controlling and doesn't care about my boundaries.
When will she understand that I'm not her? I'm not an extension of her and I don't represent her.
I'm sorry I just had to vent somewhere.
And it's so confusing too one day she says that she hates me and wishes she had never given birth to me and than the next she buys me earrings randomly cause she thought I might like them.
I don't get it does she hate me or not?
Alright seriously I'm sorry this is a lot

 

[Hypnalis]

Some of this might be possible, but it definitely won't be easy.

One way or another, you need to confront some problems head-on. You don't have time to do this in a "stealthy" way. So there's a risk involved. And "ASD avoidance" isn't an option

Is that possible for you?

 

[Annaa]

Some of this might be possible, but it definitely won't be easy.

One way or another, you need to confront some problems head-on. You don't have time to do this in a "stealthy" way. So there's a risk involved. And "ASD avoidance" isn't an option

Is that possible for you?

I think so

 

[Hypnalis]

Ok

There are some simple first steps for something like this that don't involve interacting with anyone. I suggest you so this immediately:

1. Make a list, in priority order, of what you need to achieve
(a) Multi-layered goals often get a separate line for each one, but keep them together. In your case "get a reasonable environment to study" is connected to (under) "pass exams", but it's a separate objective for this kind of list
(b) Don't interlock goals and/or constraints. e.g. "quiet space to study" may be dependent on "manage relationship with your mother" but it's not a clean hierarchy, so keep them separate.
Note: this is very important. Constraints, and resolving them to achieve objectives, should not be intertwined with objectives, even if a constraint is an objective
(c) This is a technical process, not an emotional one. For this, your future in the world (education being a big part of that) is more important than your relationship with your mother.

2. Make a list of constraints, and for each one, a mini list (perhaps just one short point) covering why it's a constraint
(a) Start with the main reasons you can't just walk away and control your own life.
I could do this for you OFC, but that would be much less useful than you might think. It will help you with the rest of the list, including disentangling some points
(b) You are (not unreasonably) focused on your mother, but she's probably not the whole problem. Consider other family members (and perhaps other people) too
(c) You're on this list too Things you list here about your own skills and capabilities might find themselves on the Objectives list

Important (for both lists): This is an iterative process.
+ Do a relatively fast first draft, then review and improve. "rinse and repeat" until it seems ok
There's a speed/accuracy tradeoff OFC: - don't get caught early on a search for immediate perfection
+ For each cycle
++ Check for completeness (it's ok to miss something on earlier pass)
++ Keep the structure as clean as you can, so after each draft:
+++ Test for hierarchies (see 1a), independence (1b), completeness, and interactions between objectives and constraints
+++ Check for interactions between goals and constraints. They won't be independent. e.g. it's normal to find that deconstructing a constraint generates a new objective.

And don't overdo it: the purpose of this is to create a realistic plan, so ("lol e.g.") don't set a goal to add a new, soundproof study room to your current dwelling

 

[Vargo]

It's OK to cut contact with toxic family members. My wife considers her biological mother dead after becoming an alcoholic, thief and cheater who abandoned her two daughters under the age of 12. And even though she's tried to contact us, the only contact we've allowed was at my father in law's funeral. I understand if you can't just leave right now, but you have time to plan and prepare your departure. You can use that.

 

[Hypnalis]

It's OK to cut contact with toxic family members. My wife considers her biological mother dead after becoming an alcoholic, thief and cheater who abandoned her two daughters under the age of 12. And even though she's tried to contact us, the only contact we've allowed was at my father in law's funeral. I understand if you can't just leave right now, but you have time to plan and prepare your departure. You can use that.

At 16, still in education, casually cutting contact is risky at best, and perhaps impossible.

The sequence is:
1. Gather information (as opposed to raw data)
2. Analyze
3. Plan
4. Act

You first apply preferences and principles at "Plan".

BTW I get that there could be e.g. rich, independent, healthy, sympathetic grandparents who aren't too old to take responsibility. But these days, most of the stories with such convenient solutions in them are (obviously) written by AI's /lol.

 

[Vargo]

At 16, still in education, casually cutting contact is risky at best, and perhaps impossible.

The sequence us:

Gather information (as opposed to raw data)
Analyze
Plan
Act

You first apply preferences and principles at "Plan".

BTW I get that there could be e.g. rich, independent, healthy, sympathetic grandparents who aren't too old to take responsibility. But these days, most of the stories with such convenient solutions in them are (obviously) written by AI's /lol.

I agree it's risky and should be planned properly. But having time to do so might actually give some much needed hope of the future and motivation to go forward.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Annaa

A word of caution: Never start with assumptions.

You need to identify them late of course, but there's a potential trap if you get the sequence wrong: Assumptions limit what can get to the "Objectives" and "Constraints" lists.

Your thread title is an example. You might have noticed in my post above I (deliberately reinterpreted your question away from "Mother doesn't respect boundaries" to "What 'real world' things matter at the moment?".

It might come back to the thread title later, but what if the best way to address your tactical issues is to find somewhere else to study?

In that case, advice on how to deal with your mother and using the techniques would be counter-productive.
It would certainly consume time and energy better used to study. At worst it might get you to unnecessarily repeat a year at school, which is recoverable OFC, but a significant cost all the same.

 

[Aspychata]

First of all, you are in alot of emotional pain. I remember that pain well, as my mom is controlling. Second of all, you need to acknowledge your mother is emotionally abusive which screws up your life on so many different levels, mostly by draining your energy. I call that an emotional vampire. Now, it's time to think how can you better yourself to get the hell out of there. Bad moms and dads have driven alot of young girls into equally abusive relationships with men. I hope you don't go that route. Plan B, study, study, fall asleep and then study more. Doing well in school is your only ticket away from her.If your room looks unorganized, then tell her you need a bookshelf. Try to meet her halfway, but also realize that you well never be loved, just nickpicked to death, sadly like your poor father. So sorry for your loss. Right now you are attending the school of hard knocks, you will need to warrior up, stay strong, don't let your mom get you down, and have a goal laid out like go work abroad a year, anything to get you away for a bit of time. Do you have relatives that you can visit, and study there? Can you study in the library? My fingers are crossed for you, it's a bumpy road ahead, but l believe you will get thru this.

 

[Xinyta]

@Annaa I get it. Though she sounds way worse than my stepmother.

Narcissistic, controlling, people tend to be incapable of looking in the mirror and will typically disregard the feeling of others. "Either you do things my way, or your on your own". Basically 'my way or the highway'. There are reasons for it. Typically insecurities in thier own lives. So they seek control over others, to feel like they have some semblance of control over thier own life.

The bit at the end of your OP talking about her doing a 180, and buying you earrings you'll like. It's a tactic that controlling people use against thier targets. The idea of "see I am not all bad". Typically a way if getting you to back down so you will not fight back for a while. Pretty much like a bribe.

The constant reminders of past mistakes and that using mantras like "Why try? You'll just redo the year over anyway" and "you're stupid" are seeded in as much as possible in the intention to keep you down. But more importantly to keep a proverbial leash on you. You can't fight back if you lack confidence.

This is especially powerful, if they can keep you overwhelmed by expectations. Like she has with you.

Anyway. This is my thoughts on the matter, from what I read.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Your mother is right.

Pay attention to your studies. Don't wear immodest clothes. Clean your room and help with household chores. Focus on books, not friends or boys.

Listen to her.

Unless I missed something, these are not unreasonable things you have listed. This is how a responsible adult is molded.

Someday all you will have left of her are the lessons she taught you.

"Train your children up in the way that they should go, so that when they are old they will not depart from it."