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How do you resolve conflicts when there are issues with communication

Confused_NT_girl

Well-Known Member
Almost a year ago now, I posted about my (NT) ex (ASD) wanting to stay friends. Because I have no self-control, I texted him Happy Birthday a couple of weeks later and we've been in contact since then.

A lot has happened in the last 11 months. He had surgery and couldn't go out for a while, he got laid off, he had a bit of a cancer scare, we went on lots of trips, and I was there for him when these all happened. We were pretty much back to how it was before in terms of time spent together (minus overnights). There had been a lot of changes on his end as well -- efforts to get my needs into his schedule/routine, managing his moods, being more flexible, and I can see that he's tried to be more vulnerable by opening up to some topics that he'd normally not talk to me about etc. I know these took work on his end, and it's likely not easy, so I really appreciated that.

(Before somebody yells at me, this was more friendly on my end at the beginning, but after all things that happened, including caring for him when he needed it, my feelings grew)

There was also affection to some extent (or at least that's how I interpreted them). Hugs, foot rubs, back scratches, head scratches.. he didn't like being touched when we were dating and so physical intimacy was difficult, but in the last 11 months he seemed to be more open to it (albeit having hard boundaries on actual physical intimacy). So I really thought we were building something back up there, or at least I thought so, until he had a meltdown about 2 weeks ago. I have seen him have "mini-meltdowns" in private, but this meltdown was him screaming and cursing while we were in a parking garage with a few people around and cars waiting behind.

Long story short, he had a meltdown in public after a chain of events happened which started with me being late (when he was already on edge) and culminated in him hitting the car parked next to us while he was panicking. Right after this incident, he didn't talk to me for hours (some suggesting that he may have even gone non-verbal) except for a few sentences of him blaming me for being late. He didn't talk to me for days after this and he texted me that didn't want to talk about what happened. I didn't bring it up as suggested in another forum. At some point I texted him to ask when I'm seeing him again but he said he's slammed and stressed out so he needs quiet time (but is not angry). So I gave him that space. When he finally started talking to me (after almost a week), we started planning for when we're meeting next, but even after a week of not seeing each other, he still seemed on edge and was easy to get frustrated. I asked him if he could move his Sunday (whatever activity that was) so we could meet that day instead as I can't miss my Saturday plans but he was cagey about it. I asked him what he was doing that day and he was like "I already told you I'm busy and I can't do Sunday". This was never a problem before and something like "I can't make it, it's Superbowl Sunday" for example, was just easy for him to say and that was that. At this point I asked if he was going on a date and that's when he became very defensive and was like "I don't need to tell you my schedule" and "by the way we are allowed to date people, we are friends". That turned into a full blown argument, because I couldn't understand why he's being secretive about it, and when I was trying to explain to him that if he's going out on a date then it shouldn't be an issue if we're really just friends (though it honestly hurts to hear), but then he would shift it to, "I just don't want to have to tell you about my schedule, if I'm seeing friends or family" which was NEVER a problem before.

Up until this "incident" I have said things like I don't really want to keep traveling together if you are dating around, and he would say he's not. However, one incident happens and there's a drastic shift in his behavior and it seems so easy for him to have a way out and push me away. Why is he now all of a sudden very adamant about us being friends? Why is he so defensive about it, and if I'm really a friend, why is he being so defensive and secretive about going on dates?

That was long winded but basically I know the hurt that I'm feeling is mostly on me. In a typical relationship, you communicate with each other to avoid disappointments, and to help resolve conflicts. I would've done that except talks make him very anxious so this whole scenario has been very challenging to navigate. I never brought up the "what are we " talk because I know that these kinds of talks make him very anxious, so I didn't. At the same time, I assumed that we were rebuilding our relationship. I did not talk to him about the meltdown because he asked to not talk about it (and I was told in other forums that this is a sensitive subject, he's likely embarrassed so don't bring it up) but then I didn't realize that he was waiting for an apology. It wasn't until someone in another ND forum explained his likely thought process to me that I understood and then I apologized, but at this point we were already having intense discussions about the dating thing and being friends.

Right now, I don't even know if he's now pushing me away because he blamed me for what happened. He did say "you put me in a mood" at some point and he was likely blaming me for what happened, and meanwhile I was thinking to myself that my lateness doesn't justify him hitting the car. These thoughts festered in our heads (I shouldn't speak for him, but likely the case) for a few days because we didn't talk. This is the same feeling he has about talks about "our relationship". He said "when you pressure me, it actually pushes me away". So what does that mean, do I just not talk to him to prevent anxiety that may drive him to date other people?

I know there are different things going on here, but I am just just trying to piece things together and I cannot talk to my friends about this. I can't figure out which part of this is ASD, which part of this is him playing me and which part of this is him not knowing how to handle relationships/not knowing how relationships work. I never told him this but I love him and I'm willing to work through the challenges, but how can I even do that when I can't communicate with him? I can tell that he's made efforts to be more open to hard conversations in the last few months but there seems to be this fine line where if he gets pushed over that then he becomes closed up. It seems to me like there are these issues with me in his head, which I don't know about because they don't get communicated, and he just decides that it's not working for him. I asked him if he doesn't see any possibility of getting back together and he couldn't give me an answer, but instead got frustrated and said, "when you pressure me you're actually pushing me away".

If you read up until this part, thanks and I appreciate any input. For context, he's not diagnosed so it's even more challenging.
 
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That's a lot. Not sure if it will help, but I find written communication helps me. It's a lot easier when you can think and edit, rather than having to communicate in real time, verbally, which is hard.
 
You're certainly putting pressure on him. He doesn't like it, and he doesn't know how to handle it.

I suggest you ask yourself two yes/no questions, and share the answers here:

1. Are the two of you "officially in a "romantic relationship"?
2. Are you trying to change your status to/from a romantic relationship?

For now, I don't think more information than "yes" or "no" will add anything useful.
 
There are many threads on here about communication difficulties.

1. Most conflicts are due to communication issues.
2. Direct language vs indirect language styles.
3. Perspective and context. How accurate is your communication?
4. Any topic that is truly important, will have an emotional content, and you always risk offending another.

As a person with an ASD, I have learned the hard lessons, and am still learning those hard lessons about communication.

If you are one that isn't taking in ALL the verbal and non-verbal communication, you're missing much of the information being conveyed. It's one thing to be a great listener of what was said, but it's quite a higher level to also take in body language, emotional content, voice modulation, facial micro expressions, etc....how it was said. If you are self-aware of your deficits in this area, then it is upon you to pause for a moment and ask clarifying questions, gathering your information,...then respond.

Be conscious of "mirror neuron" activation. If someone confronts you with a high degree of emotion, without thinking, your mirror neuron system will often activate, and then you find yourself matching with similar emotion. This is especially destructive if that emotion is anger. Had you the wits about yourself, you would allow the other person to "vent", then pause,...then gather your thoughts and respond in a calm, respectful, thoughtful manner. That's a skill. It doesn't come natural, because you are fighting your natural instincts in this case. For example, in healthcare, we are often put into this position with patients and their family members.

If you have a difficult time with "hints" and rather broad, nebulous, non-specific language, then you have to remind the other person of this. "Just say it." Being accurate and to-the-point is something that many neurotypicals have been programmed to avoid, because this type of language is often viewed as "confrontational", "rude", "bullying", etc. However, if you have an ASD, this may actually be the way you take in and express yourself in language. Having that conversation is an important one to have with your "inner circle" of people.

Many people have their own personal truths and cognitive biases, so they may not understand yours, and you may not understand theirs. This fact has a huge potential for conflict, if statements on a topic are rather broad, and are not highly specific to perspective and context. Sometimes you hear people say things like "You have your facts, and I have mine." This statement is both true and false. Facts are highly specific to the perspective and context. If you have an understanding of science, then you understand that a particular experiment is highly specific, and the results of the experiment are also highly specific to a set of conditions. This is why it can take decades of study on a particular topic in order to narrow down a "truth". This is also why some people, who don't understand the scientific process, have distrust in doctors and scientists, because that "truth" is always changing. It's supposed to, and it's good that it does, but we only know what we know and we have to base decisions upon what appears to be "repeatable fact" in specific situations. So, with communication with others of different genders, races, cultures, political, and religious affiliations, understand that there will be those personal truths and cognitive biases. Their "truth" is specific to their experience, as is yours, but they are clearly not the same. Understanding and accepting that now forces you to be highly specific in your language, with respect to context and perspective, if you are going to have an intelligent conversation. If not, plan on offending and disagreeing.
 
That's a lot. Not sure if it will help, but I find written communication helps me. It's a lot easier when you can think and edit, rather than having to communicate in real time, verbally, which is hard.
Thanks! I did that and sent him an email but I guess he got overwhelmed by it and basically ignored everything that I said on there. He said the email was too complicated and whenever I'm ready to be friends again, I should reach out. It seems like he just didn't want to deal with the "issue"
 
You're certainly putting pressure on him. He doesn't like it, and he doesn't know how to handle it.

I suggest you ask yourself two yes/no questions, and share the answers here:

1. Are the two of you "officially in a "romantic relationship"?
2. Are you trying to change your status to/from a romantic relationship?

For now, I don't think more information than "yes" or "no" will add anything useful.
1. No
2. No, I'm not. But he's not treating me like a friend, and when he does that it gives me hope that maybe it can change

The problem is we're "friends", but he's not really treating me as a friend. He basically had the partner experience without the label and commitment, and when I start setting boundaries, he doesn't like that. But then he also doesn't want to talk about it. So I'm left here wondering what is going on in his mind and when something bad happens (like his meltdown or when he feels cornered), he pulls out the "we're friends" card. There's no reasoning with him because he gets overwhelmed when I explain the nuances of our "friendship" -- he wouldn't get foot rubs from his buddies, would he? No one friend of his would pick him up from surgery, take care of him post-surgery and spend time with him for months post-op, also, I don't think he would cover trip expenses if he's going on a trip with his buddies.. which he has been doing pre and post break up)

How do I address these with someone who easily feels pressured/gets overwhelmed? (If you were him how would you want me to approach you/talk to you if you're feeling pressured) He's like, I have so much on my to do list, I don't want this drama. But this "drama" is just me trying to have a conversation with him. All the changes on his end that I mentioned above are great, but they mostly didn't happen until we got in a fight first or argument first because he refuses to talk about them. Even then the change was gradual.
 
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There are many threads on here about communication difficulties.

1. Most conflicts are due to communication issues.
2. Direct language vs indirect language styles.
3. Perspective and context. How accurate is your communication?
4. Any topic that is truly important, will have an emotional content, and you always risk offending another.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am NT and he is ASD, he is the one who doesn't want to communicate and gets anxious about "talks" :(
 
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am NT and he is ASD, he is the one who doesn't want to communicate and gets anxious about "talks" :(
Probably for the above reasons. Understanding each other's communication styles and techniques are important. My wife is NT and I am ASD. We've been with each other for over 36 years. Flip what I said around, in your case, as a NT, and now you understand the anxiety. Communication is a 2-way street, so both of you probably have something to learn in terms of each other.
 
1. No
2. No, I'm not. But he's not treating me like a friend, and when he does that it gives me hope that maybe it can change

The problem is we're "friends", but he's not really treating me as a friend. He basically had the partner experience without the label and commitment, and when I start setting boundaries, he doesn't like that. But then he also doesn't want to talk about it. So I'm left here wondering what is going on in his mind and when something bad happens (like his meltdown or when he feels cornered), he pulls out the "we're friends" card. There's no reasoning with him because he gets overwhelmed when I explain the nuances of our "friendship" -- he wouldn't get foot rubs from his buddies, would he? No one friend of his would pick him up from surgery, take care of him post-surgery and spend time with him for months post-op, also, I don't think he would cover trip expenses if he's going on a trip with his buddies.. which he has been doing pre and post break up).
It seems to me like you two see the relationship in a different way. To me personally, I don't think it is a relationship unless both people are fully onboard. To respond to your points more specifically, yes, I totally think you can get foot rubs from your friends, travel with them and help them deal with severe personal problems if the friendship is close enough. I don't think a friendship automatically moves into the relationship category just based on what you do together. To me a relationship is about commitment, and as it seems, he isn't committed to you, and doesn't think he should be, while you seem committed to him, without him having asked you to be.

My mother has a similar friendship to you, and also with a guy she used to be in a relationship with who I'm almost certain is autistic, but they both give each other space and don't have any expectations of commitment in their private lives. To give you an idea of how close they are, my (much) younger siblings see him pretty much as another father, he spends time with us at Christmas, and my mother goes with him to see his family in another city on Easter. They traveled to Spain together last autumn, they often talk long into the night when together, he frequently babysits her children and she helped nurse him when he needed to get a surgery after an appendix infection. This all happened after they broke up, and they have been friends for the last two years. Despite all this, they still live in different houses, don't feel jealousy towards each other and if they don't feel like it, there isn't an obligation to talk or meet up.

I'm mentioning this, not to tell you that you should not feel jealous or that your friend has done everything right, but rather to point out that what might be completely "obvious" or "right" to you (like friends don't give each other foot massages) might not be as clear to someone on the spectrum. When I went into a relationship a few years ago, I had the opposite problem. I kept treating her exactly the same after we got together as when we had been friends, since I didn't see why things should change between us just because we were a "couple" rather than "friends". After about a week of that she explained that things had changed and we needed to set up some rules and develop the relationship further.

My suggestion to you is not to make assumptions and expect your friend to have the same idea due to cultural norms. If you don't feel comfortable giving or receiving foot massages from a friend, then make it clear beforehand that it makes you uncomfortable, or that you need some sort of commitment to go there. I would also be annoyed and frustrated if I had unknowingly entered into some pact where I was expected to show commitment to a friend without it having been agreed upon. Personally, I can't stand it when people treat me in a certain "nice" way, and then expect me to uphold that same standard towards them when I didn't ask to be treated that way to begin with. The golden rule doesn't work when people have different needs and objectives.
 
It seems to me like you two see the relationship in a different way. To me personally, I don't think it is a relationship unless both people are fully onboard. To respond to your points more specifically, yes, I totally think you can get foot rubs from your friends, travel with them and help them deal with severe personal problems if the friendship is close enough. I don't think a friendship automatically moves into the relationship category just based on what you do together. To me a relationship is about commitment, and as it seems, he isn't committed to you, and doesn't think he should be, while you seem committed to him, without him having asked you to be.

My mother has a similar friendship to you, and also with a guy she used to be in a relationship with who I'm almost certain is autistic, but they both give each other space and don't have any expectations of commitment in their private lives. To give you an idea of how close they are, my (much) younger siblings see him pretty much as another father, he spends time with us at Christmas, and my mother goes with him to see his family in another city on Easter. They traveled to Spain together last autumn, they often talk long into the night when together, he frequently babysits her children and she helped nurse him when he needed to get a surgery after an appendix infection. This all happened after they broke up, and they have been friends for the last two years. Despite all this, they still live in different houses, don't feel jealousy towards each other and if they don't feel like it, there isn't an obligation to talk or meet up.

I'm mentioning this, not to tell you that you should not feel jealous or that your friend has done everything right, but rather to point out that what might be completely "obvious" or "right" to you (like friends don't give each other foot massages) might not be as clear to someone on the spectrum. When I went into a relationship a few years ago, I had the opposite problem. I kept treating her exactly the same after we got together as when we had been friends, since I didn't see why things should change between us just because we were a "couple" rather than "friends". After about a week of that she explained that things had changed and we needed to set up some rules and develop the relationship further.

My suggestion to you is not to make assumptions and expect your friend to have the same idea due to cultural norms. If you don't feel comfortable giving or receiving foot massages from a friend, then make it clear beforehand that it makes you uncomfortable, or that you need some sort of commitment to go there. I would also be annoyed and frustrated if I had unknowingly entered into some pact where I was expected to show commitment to a friend without it having been agreed upon. Personally, I can't stand it when people treat me in a certain "nice" way, and then expect me to uphold that same standard towards them when I didn't ask to be treated that way to begin with. The golden rule doesn't work when people have different needs and objectives.
Thank you for your response.

I wanted to first caution that I might sound defensive with my reply, but I'm truly seeking to understand. And thanks for sharing that example with your mom and her friend. You don't need to answer this, as I understand that it may be private but I am curious about things like, how transparent they are with each other in terms of what they are looking to get out of this relationship, if they are transparent about dating people, do they openly communicate...etc.

By the way, I do not consider us being bf-gf, not at all. We are definitely "friends". Nowadays, there are terms such as situationships, orbiting, pocketing etc. which I'm not saying that we should label our interactions at all, but these are indicative of how complex relationships (in general) can be. The problem about my relationship with him is that when I start setting boundaries because we're friends, he obviously gets upset about them. When we're on trips (which we do a lot of) and I don't prioritize him because I choose to work from time to time (he's not my partner after all), he gets upset about them (and then denies it later even when he was pouting about it). I casually ask about whether he's going on a date, he gets very defensive about it (if we are friends, why is talking about this an issue?). This combined with the kinds of interactions we have make it seem not so friendly (to me). He even pays for trips (or covers majority of the expenses) Ideally, two people would talk about this to clear expectations but because talks make him nervous, I cannot clarify these with him. Instead, he says, "when you pressure me, you're pushing me away" when I get to a point of frustration, and I confront him about it. Or, he would say something like I am stressed out and I don't want this drama. I guess this is why I asked how can you resolve conflicts when there are issues with communication? In one of the responses

You're certainly putting pressure on him. He doesn't like it, and he doesn't know how to handle it.

Is having a conversation also a pressure on him? I asked him if he truly doesn't see a future anymore between him and I, and he couldn't give me an answer.

I am friends with guys I dated before, and these are not issues, because it's clear we're just friends and we've talked about this. It's clear that we have fundamental differences that are not conducive for a long term relationship. We talk to each other about our dating lives as well (not in depth, but I have no issue telling them I'm seeing someone or I met someone and vice versa).
 
It sounds like when you brought up the dating thing, that opened up a can of worms to cause a sense of distrust both ways. I think since you had to ask and since he got annoyed by your quirks, it's time to move on. It seems he's using non-verbal communication to say that he doesn't want contact anymore. Apologize for bothering him and wish him well.


Maybe you being late could possibly be intertwined indirectly with some behaviors you might have that might burden him to hang out in certain ways that add up to more than an annoyance.
For instance, I have a friend with whom we do not hang out as much as we used to. We both like anime, but she likes to watch anime dubbed sometimes and forgets I only like to watch it subbed. She tells me she wants to exercise, but we can't walk for more than about 2 city blocks- and then she might ask me to pick her up and give her a ride. Even though I'm okay with walking two city blocks, taking a break, and then walking again, she hasn't been okay even with this. She doesn't work full time and I do. So, these little annoyances that are so particular and take up time do add up and annoy me. One instance by itself might not be too bad, but when it happens more frequently, it really can add up.
 
It sounds like when you brought up the dating thing, that opened up a can of worms to cause a sense of distrust both ways.
Thank you.

Can you please help me understand how that might have caused distrust on his end?

It seems he's using non-verbal communication to say that he doesn't want contact anymore. Apologize for bothering him and wish him well.

I told him I'm going to distance myself from him in an email and we haven't talked in a week. I told him whenever he's ready to be friends (with boundaries, no more of the "partner benefits") feel free to reach out to me. OR IF he ever gets in a position where he feels he's capable of dating exclusively OR thinks he wants to date me then feel free to reach out. I just had to be direct with him. From our last talk about this he said he still wants to go on a trip with me (we had been talking about another international trip. We travel a lot), and is adamant that he's just there whenever I'm ready because he's happy with the status quo. "You reach out to me, not the other way around".
 
The long paragraph in your first post caught my attention.

Aspies aren't narcissists.

Narcissists enjoy acting out - they throw childish tantrums over trivial things, and they love having an audience.
In general Aspies don't like meltdowns, try to avoid rather than induce them, and don't like an audience.

(I suppose there can be Aspie narcissists, but I'd expect them to be rare).

So the meltdown you described seems unusual.

Two yes/no questions:
1. Have you been treating it as narcissistic rage (or have your other advisors been guiding you based on that assumption)?
2. Do you have any reason to believe your ex isn't ASD, or is ASD but also has something else that makes public drama likely?
 
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Thank you.

Can you please help me understand how that might have caused distrust on his end?



I told him I'm going to distance myself from him in an email and we haven't talked in a week. I told him whenever he's ready to be friends (with boundaries, no more of the "partner benefits") feel free to reach out to me. OR IF he ever gets in a position where he feels he's capable of dating exclusively OR thinks he wants to date me then feel free to reach out. I just had to be direct with him. From our last talk about this he said he still wants to go on a trip with me (we had been talking about another international trip. We travel a lot), and is adamant that he's just there whenever I'm ready because he's happy with the status quo. "You reach out to me, not the other way around".
Well, being that you dated before, he might feel it awkward to tell you something like that. He doesn't want to be that kind of friend and not everyone who dated other people before feels comfortable telling them about future people that they are dating. There are all these documentaries and such that show jealous ex-lovers killing new partners and such, and maybe this is unconsciously running in the back of your friend's mind.
Even as a friend, you don't necessarily need to know anything besides he's busy. At least he's being respectful of your time as long as he tries to include you in things every now and then.

It also sounds like your friendship is not or no longer strong if he doesn't want to be specific. If you have to ask him for specifics and that's his response, you need to move on.

If it feels more comfortable for you to officially break off the friendship (it would for me to avoid confusion personally), you can tell him that you don't appreciate the change in the quality of communication and that you want to be around people who can trust you. Tell him you will delete all his contact info and social media connections. You can add that you hope you can be friends later on, but don't initiate that and move on with the rest of your life.
 
The long paragraph in your first post caught my attention.

Aspies aren't narcissists.

Narcissists enjoy acting out - they throw childish tantrums over trivial things, and they love having an audience.
In general Aspies don't like meltdowns, try to avoid rather than induce them, and don't like an audience.

(I suppose there can be Aspie narcissists, but I'd expect them to be rare).

So the meltdown you described seems unusual.

Two yes/no questions:
1. Have you been treating it as narcissistic rage (or have your other advisors been guiding you based on that assumption)?
2. Do you have any reason to believe your ex isn't ASD, or is ASD but also has something else that makes public drama likely?

1. I have not. I have never thought of it as being narcissistic. This was the first time this has ever happened in the 2ish years I've been closely interacting with him. All the other mini-meltdowns he's had happened in private. He's not the attention-seeking type either.
2. "Do you have any reason to believe your ex isn't ASD?" No. So many recognizable traits -- special interests, stimming, unable to recognize instances when he's highly anxious, gets easily frustrated with schedule changes/changes in plans, shuts down/withdraws when overwhelmed, doesn't do small talk with me (but does that by masking when with other people), aversion to touch esp when anxious/stressed out.... etc.

I don't know of any "something else" that may make public drama likely.. he doesn't seem narcissistic to me based on what I've read. Alexithymia, PDA and RSD are possibilities though...
 

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