How do you feel about mobiles (vs. landlines & e-mail) ?

[ZaphodsCloset]

Asking because an aspie friend has a thousand excuses not to get a simple mobile and pre-paid SIM. When pushed, he says maybe he'll get one during ___ sale or after ____. Then he doesn't.

Money isn't an issue (except for him being generally cheap), but even if it were, it doesn't cost anything to ping someone to let them know you've arrived.

To arrange times to meet, he uses landline and/or e-mail. Which is fine for work and medical appointments, but in my social life I'm accustomed to being more flexible and spontaneous. With him, there's no way to say "I'll be done X, Y and Z around 2, so let's plan to meet up around __ neighborhood and go get coffee." He says he's fine with waiting for an hour at a cafe. But let's say one of my errands takes me somewhere else. He's sitting at that cafe, and I have no way of contacting him to offer to have an uber pick him up so we can meet somewhere else. So I have to rush to wherever he is, or drop it and leave him sitting there until he gives up. Neither of which feels like a reasonable option to me. Even though he says it's no problem. It *is* a problem for me, and I haven't been able to explain what a royal pain he's making himself.

The only argument he's brought against mobiles is that people are so dependent on this technology now, even though things worked fine without it for decades. But by not getting one, he's making interaction with him a lot more "expensive" cognitively and logistically than he (in my perception) has social "capital" to afford. Sorry to phrase this in such crassly economic terms. This guy expects everyone else to bend over backward to accommodate his refusal to communicate in a flexible manner. That's the sort of thing a rock star could pull off, I guess. This guy isn't.

So, what am I missing? What does it "cost" you socially and cognitively (etc) to use a mobile/cellular telephone?

If a friend (and her boyfriend) had mostly quit making plans with you because they were getting sick of the practical hassle involved, would you want to know? And how could they get through to you? Or would you need them to just accept you as-is, or else not bother with the friendship?

Thanks!

 

[The Penguin]

Well, someone I use to date didn't have a cell phone. She is hearing impaired, but she does have hearing aids. On top of this, she didn't have a landline. The only way I can reach her by email which is fine as I have that on my phone.

I'm taking classes in a business program and one person doesn't have a cell phone, but does have a land line.

I can value people that don't have a cell phone. Two decades ago very few people had them. I find it bloody annoying many people don't put their phone on vibrate during class, the movies, etc. Also being in public transit, hearing too many bloody alerts when someone gets a message. Then the Blackberry is preventing people having peace during lunch time.

Anyhow, I think worth respecting people don't want to depend on technology for their lives.

 

[zurb]

I hate phones; cell phones more so. But I do have one.

Imho, this is just one example of how society is increasingly becoming more aspie unfriendly, which is why more are coming out of the woodwork.

Make plans and be true to your word.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Cell reception is still crappy and understanding disembodied communication is hard enough without it being garbled. With a cell phone, there is also a constant chance for unwanted harassment short of leaving the evil thing on silent 24/7. Being caught off guard can be physically painful on a bad day, and since with cell phones you are expected to talk right now or the world will come to an end it can be even more physically painful. Not to mention it's getting increasingly impossible to buy a CELL PHONE and everything is turning into a pad computer with a complete lack of proper buttons. (Yes, pad. A real tablet is an art tool and does NOT have an operating system!!) And people everywhere are slowly losing brain processing capabilities because more and more of their functions are stored in that stupid little "phone". And they are a huge security risk! Your door locks, your toaster, your pacemaker, and your car all ran by a few ounces of plastic and motherboard that's easily lost and often misplaced? What idiot thought that up? While the built-in tracking device has saved lives, I really hate the thought of being constantly watched. And given what an old buddy of mine that worked a decent rank in the government told me that some people like to do with the "features" to spy on you, I'm half tempted to just take the battery out altogether until I need to get off a quick message.

At least with land lines and email, I have greater control over when and how I'm harassed, and I've got a stationary location set so minimize the chance of somebody following me around.

 

[King_Oni]

I think your friend is overlooking a big flaw. The amount of dependency for him personally ultimately comes down to himself. I mean, he's not having a phone now and he's not depending on it socially, so I don't know how he'd be more "dependent" on technology if he owned it. However, he is making everything awfully inconvenient for himself, but most importantly, others around him since he's hard to reach as it seems. So a phone could just serve the purpose of an alternate way to be available for people and change plans if you're on the move. I mean... even if he's fine waiting for an hour somewhere to meet up, if, for instance, my bus doesn't show up and I run late, it's hardly my fault he's hard to reach at the coffeeshop he's waiting at.

I remember back in the day, when I was dating and my then girlfriend didn't have a cell either. I used to call her on the landline to ask if she wanted to come over (that's the "back in the day" when people didn't have a 24/7 internet connection either) but eventually she caught up and realized it's a bit more convenient to have a phone of her own.

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

@penguin respect yes. Interact-with with ease, not so much.

@zurb "Make plans and be true" is this guy's thinking; he doesn't comprehend the stress caused to the other party with unforeseen, unavoidable events necessitate a change in plans and s/he knows that this guy is going to be just sitting somewhere. From the NT side, if they're decent people, it's called empathy. You can't ask them/us to math that concern away.

@ashe my own mobile is off (or sound off) most of the time.

@king_oni any tips on explaining to the guy how inconvenient he's making himself to others? Some of it's small(ish) in any individual situation, but adds up to a LOT of annoyance. His constant retorts of "I don't mind waiting" come across as demanding to be disregarded. That's not something I can do to a friend. (He has a lot of stories of getting disregarded socially and remains mystified by that, but if something like this is pointed out, he insists that's not it.) BF is even less able to let-someone-wait than I am, so we've started tag-teaming meetups, e.g. when BF and this guy have plans after BF's work, I'll meet up with the guy beforehand so that BF can notify him (via my mobile) if BF is stuck in traffic.

I've gone so far as to tell him he's "spending social capital" by not getting a phone. Social hierarchy makes me bristle, but it's unfortunately a real thing; the person who needs the contact/interaction more generally should do more to make it happen. None of this resonates with him.

I'm almost to the point of telling him I'm not going to make any more plans until he's gotten a mobile, but I detest ultimatums and this sounds too close to that. Whenever I consider planning something with him, the logistics feel like a pain in the neck; his meet-up methods feel way too much like work or the dentist.

 

[wyverary]

Actually, the great thing about cell phones vs. land lines, and this is a bit ironic...you can actually CHOOSE whether to make yourself available, when and where. For me, I see a number calling and don't recognize it? Into mute it goes, and you'd better leave a voicemail (and thank goodness for visual voucemail, too)! It's a lot easier these days to delay conversation to your convenience, and at least speaking for myself, smartphone technology had only helped in that regard.

 

[wyverary]

I guess I should clarify...this technology allows me to be more selective about my communications, which is the biggest advantage as an Aspie

 

[DogwoodTree]

Me personally, I can't stand being apart from my cell phone. I keep it on vibrate most of the time and I rarely answer a phone call. But I check voice messages, texts, and email frequently, and respond as needed.

That said, assuming your friend is an adult, it's really up to him whether he wants a cell phone or not. If he says it's not a problem for him to wait for you if you're running late, or to sit there alone and eventually give up if your plans change, then that's his prerogative. Lower the demands you're placing on yourself to enable his technology-avoidance, and he might come around. Or he might not. But you don't have to stress yourself out over this. Put a reasonable amount of effort into keeping him informed as plans are made or changed, but don't go so far out of your way to make up for his choices about his technology non-use.

Ironically, it's probably all the effort you're putting into enabling his avoidance that keeps him putting this off. But again, if he gets left waiting for an hour or two a few times and still chooses not to get a phone, that's his choice. He'll just miss out on up-to-the-minute plans for get-togethers. Maybe that really doesn't bother him.

 

[DogwoodTree]

From the NT side, if they're decent people, it's called empathy. You can't ask them/us to math that concern away.

It's really only true "empathy" if you connect with his feelings about the situation. If all you're considering is how you would feel in that same situation, that's not really empathy...it's just focusing on your own perspective.

I really appreciate the effort you're going through to try to connect with this guy. I hope he can recognize how committed you are. But maybe he's not actually expecting you to "bend over backwards", as you say. Maybe he really is okay with being left out of the loop sometimes.

Either way, as I said in my previous post...if you stop enabling his technology avoidance, he might come around. But if he doesn't, you choose how much effort you are freely willing to put into the communication efforts, and stop there. Then he can choose whether to make the effort to close the gap further or not.

 

[The Penguin]

Maybe he really is okay with being left out of the loop sometimes.

This would also apply for me but Facebook wise. I did wrote my post https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/i-dont-like-facebook.9096/ 4 months ago. Many people I met want me to connect with Facebook but I don't like it. Yes I don't get a chance to see family photos so I would be out of the loop. My case is a little different as I don't have a strong bond with family. But even people who do have a strong bond with family, there still be some have no interest using it.

But any how, back to what DogwoodTree said, she is completely dead on right for this thread.

 

[zurb]

@zurb "Make plans and be true" is this guy's thinking; he doesn't comprehend the stress caused to the other party with unforeseen, unavoidable events necessitate a change in plans and s/he knows that this guy is going to be just sitting somewhere.

And I think most NTs don't comprehend how much stress is involved in 'being flexible' and changes of plan at the last minute. The smile as he says its ok is because he values the relationship, but the stress is still there.
If you wouldn't be late for an appointment with your boss, then don't be late with your aspie friend - if you actually value the relationship enough. We do of course realise that sometimes delays outside your control happen, and its one of the consequences of the choice of not having a cellphone. It seems that he is happy to live with that. If its happening regularly, you need to remember to allow more buffer time.

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

Ironically, it's probably all the effort you're putting into enabling his avoidance that keeps him putting this off.

Not what I expected to hear, but this is brilliant.

I tend to be protective of BF's time, especially from originally-my-friends' impact. (To the point where there are people I haven't introduced bc I know they'd make requests he'd have a hard time declining, bc he wants to be nice to my friends.) In this guy's case, I'm going to stop that ...and let BF's frustration build up its own head.

Many people I met want me to connect with Facebook but I don't like it.

I'm not on Facebook, and don't feel I'm missing out on anything of substance.

If you wouldn't be late for an appointment with your boss, then don't be late with your aspie friend - if you actually value the relationship enough.

If this were the *only* thing he required accommodation on, that might be ok. (Except that he's not as important as my boss, and my free time is limited so it's really not fair to ask me to treat it like work.) But interactions with him demand a LOT of understanding and acceptance in almost every area. He smells bad most of the time, and his conversational style is aggressively boring, and a few other things. Overall, spending time with him is pretty taxing.

He has lots of traits I value, to be sure. He works SO hard to adapt to my communication style (I really can't deal with nonstop talkers) and is someone I trust deeply.




When I was first getting to know BF, this guy had a birthday coming up and had made some requests. In explaining to BF who this guy was and why I was trying to work with his wishes and be diplomatic about those I couldn't fulfill, I shared this song

and said that I, too, had gone through times of dark isolation, where the smallest gesture would have made a huge difference if someone had been there. So if I can be that small presence for someone else, I'd like to be. A lot of the time, I'm not much of a positive presence for this guy. I certainly don't delude myself that I'm the "one" person who's going to make a real difference. But isolation is a dangerous, so I try to make an effort.

BF and I would both make plans a lot more, both individually and together, if this guy had a mobile. Right now, things have built up so much that we both keep putting him off.
I told BF what DogwoodTree said about not enabling the avoidance. We'll figure out a way to implement that.

FWIW, it's not that I run late; it's that when I'm off the clock, I'm off the #$%! clock. I have chronic pain issues and a lot of challenge coordinating relatively simple physical tasks.

 

[Suzanne]

I was rather like him, at one time. I refused POINT BLANK to own one of those bizarre things. Mainly because, I honestly did not want to join the throngs of people who walked with their hand up to their face and every one, getting to know their private lives ie because of talking too loud.

My husband had one and that was fine, since I could use our land line cheaply and then, we moved to France and he tried once more to get me own a mobile. Finally I agreed, because I had to admit, they seemed more practical here in France, so off I went with him and found myself in a shop full of people and so wanted to escape. When my turn came along, I just said I wanted a simple one, after all, it is supposed to be a phone. The only "simple" one, was a Nokia and still had a camera

I grew to love it, but became frustrated that after 4 years, I could not print up photos and so, I got another one, same model and last in the stock, but a slightly more upgraded one, which meant, I could print up photos and store on my laptop (see, not that archaic lol).

Well, discovered the art of texting and enjoyed it, until, after 5 year's of owning it, I was washing up and trying to text (where was my brain) and it inevitably slipped into the water and I tried to work with it, but knew it was hopeless and my husband said that to be fair, I had had it for years and so, got the one I have now, which is lol till an "old fashioned" one, compared to what is on the market.

I wouldn't be without my phone now.

Just a note about fractions of time. Goes to show how different, even apsies are, for you would have to specify the time in wholes for me lol

To be fair, this seems more YOUR issue than his. It his complete right to decide not to own a mobile. Goodness me, there was a time, when they did not exist.

The trouble with the modern world is that we are so used to quick methods, that we get angry fast.

 

[Suzanne]

Well, someone I use to date didn't have a cell phone. She is hearing impaired, but she does have hearing aids. On top of this, she didn't have a landline. The only way I can reach her by email which is fine as I have that on my phone.

I'm taking classes in a business program and one person doesn't have a cell phone, but does have a land line.

I can value people that don't have a cell phone. Two decades ago very few people had them. I find it bloody annoying many people don't put their phone on vibrate during class, the movies, etc. Also being in public transit, hearing too many bloody alerts when someone gets a message. Then the Blackberry is preventing people having peace during lunch time.

Anyhow, I think worth respecting people don't want to depend on technology for their lives.

My phone is on silent when I am in a spiritual meeting. A friend said she tried to phone me and lol threw out the accusing: why put it on silence now? Because I flipping want to lol

My tablet is always on silence and never get alerts because I have disabled them.

 

[Ste11aeres]

A lot of Aspies prefer to know plans in advance, have things planned out in advance, and not experience last minute changes. It seems that the only reason for him having a cell phone is in order to make plans last minute, and make last minute changes. Both of which would probably be stressful for him.

Maybe you need to be more dependable in your social life? Even with a cell phone, it could be annoying for some people to get a phone call last minute telling them that all of the sudden one of your errands took you someplace else.

 

[Judge]

Whatever offers infinite call blocking seems preferable at the moment. Just too much caller id spoofing, scams and spammers all violating the federal no-call law.

Caller ID for me is all about who is NOT calling me these days. Can't rely on it at all now.

 

[Progster]

I have a mobile phone, but I have it for emergencies and don't use it very often. If I've arranged to meet someone and for some reason they couldn't make it, I would want to know about the change as soon as possible - I certainly wouldn't want to wait in a cafe for an hour for the person to turn up, that would really stress me out. But if the person phoned or texted me in advance to tell me that they were running late, then I wouldn't mind so much - it would be the most considerate thing to do under the circumstances and I would appreciate it, apart from being convenient for the other person to be able to contact me.

 

[AsheSkyler]

And I think most NTs don't comprehend how much stress is involved in 'being flexible' and changes of plan at the last minute.

No, some of them indeed do not. I recently banned a couple from the house because she couldn't even give me so much as a phone call on her way out the door when she planned to drop by unannounced. Well, what got them banned was them saying I had to let them come whenever they wanted and I had a psychological issue if I didn't let them. My house, my rules. No comply, no welcome.

 

[The Penguin]

I'm not on Facebook, and don't feel I'm missing out on anything of substance.

I see. I only reference Facebook as another example people being left out the loop for those that don't use it.